1. Laments the home without the beautiful wife.
2. Counts the hours until her return, and decides to soldier on.
3. Pours a yummy Guinness Draught.
4. Rearranges the den so that the recliner takes its deserved prominence before the television.
5. Procures a folding table to hold the remote, the aforementioned yummy Guinness Draught, and the reading material (Barron's, Harper's, The Atlantic Monthly, Esquire, and so on).
6. Inserts The Long Goodbyeinto the PlayStation 2 DVD player.
7. Tries to struggle through the lingering close-ups and extraneous emoting Altman demands.

• Elliot Gould as Philip Marlowe. Of course, Gould's done a lot of the audiobook versions of Chandler's novels, so I am used to his narration.
• Speaking of which, Marlowe does a lot of talking-to-himself asides (when wandering out of earshot of other characters), and these asides are properly in the voice I would expect from the Chandler detective.
• As a viewer from 30 years in the future, I was interested in the contemporary settings into which Altman placed the (then) 30-year-old Marlowe. The depiction of L.A. in 1973 was interesting in itself.

• Running a Chandler plot through an Altman prism? Double plus ungood.
• Lingering about six beats too many on plot points or conversations that do not advance the script.
• Marlowe never finds out about his cat.
• The ending, in which Marlowe....well, it would never fly today as it flew then. Not in a blockbuster which appealed to the unwashed masses for whom Chandler was actually writing. It was too abrupt, as though Altman knew he'd expended two hours on irrelevant closeups and repeated renditions of the title song and had to cut something like "plot."

• When meeting your Internet pen pal for the first time in person, select a neutral, out of the way spot to meet.
  We met at a commuter lot off of Interstate 70. Somewhere out of sight will comfort your date, ensuring her that no one will see you and her together in case you're a dweeb.
  
  
• Be patient while waiting for your date.
  When you're anticipating a single woman with auburn hair in a white Ford Tempo, do not peel out of your parking spot in reverse when a white sedan bearing a woman with auburn hair and THREE CHILDREN parks in the spot RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Instead, gallantly remain patient and think of all the ways you can end the date very early. That way, if it turns out that this family were really meeting some guy in a monster SUV, you have not sacrificed your chance to snare a hot conservative chick on a bicycle.
  
  
• Dress appropriately.
  Remember, a black fedora is the way to say "creepy," and the added touch of a 1-inch stump of a ponytail says "but dorky."
  
  
• Listen to what she has to say.
  By "Listen to what she has to say," I mean don't say a freaking word. She'll think you're interested in her, and you don't volunteer that you're a geek who thinks a good Saturday night involves sitting around playing Ataris, drinking beer, and passing around laddie magazines.
  
  
• Show no emotion.
  Don't smile at all. Lead her to wonder why you're so mysterious, even though you're just really afraid you're going to blow it.
  
  
• She doesn't drink coffee or like cigarette smoke? Take her to the Grind!
  Nothing shows your sophistication like a European-style coffeehouse where all the au pairs have nicotine breath and the coffee is expensive.
  
  

But does it really cause headaches or, worse, seizures, lupus and multiple sclerosis?

Most experts and studies say no.

• The health benefits of blooding.
• World is round, Earth not center of universe.
• Disco rocks the house.
• No aether in space.
• They don't actually live, it was just a movie, learn and obey, citizen.

Play Jurism

• Information regarding mating rituals from the male point of view, including technique modification and standardized communication approaches to use during social events.
  
  
• Aesthetically-pleasing but not norm-challenging visual depictions of anatomy one might uncover during a mating ritual.
  
  
• Deliberative investigations into the technological or plumage accoutrements to enhance one's social standing and mating potential as well as increase revenue streams for the information sources' advertisers.
  
  
• Dietary instructions and recommendations for brewed wheat products.

• FHM, the experimental information source whose properties are outlined above.
  
  
• Barron's, a control information source. This information source contains information that a more mature and slightly older member of the GwG class might find interesting if his or her interests lie in increasing material holdings to provide for the product of successful, or inadequately protected, mating rituals.
  
  
• Spin, a control information source that explores the aesthetics of contemporary aural art forms which some people call "music."
  
  
• Skeptic, a control information source that investigates and often debunks paranormal phenomena and junk science.
  
  
• Java Developer's Journal, a control information source that contains standard geek fare that feeds the 733t skillz that comprise the elaborate dance geeks do at the workplace to show dominance over coworkers.
  
  
• Harper's, a control information source that higher social order GwG, and other humans in general, or those who aspire to higher social position as alphas in the herd utilize to determine what alphas should think about the nuanced social structure of humanity, those poor bastards.
  
  

• Presenting the experiment information source in other incongruous locations, such as medical offices, church lobbies, and EEOC cubicles.
  
  
• Obscuring the cover of the experiment information source more completely, to determine whether the title of the information source and its reputation yield the expected behavior, or if the aesthetically-pleasing but not norm-challenging visual depictions of anatomy drive the behavior.