Musings from Brian J. Noggle

Tips for the First Date

MSN's running a list of five tips for an effective first date. It looks like a pretty good list, undoubtedly compiled by a trained therapist or whatnot (all right, I did not Google "Jim Sulski" to find out, dear reader; I leave the in-depth show prep to Rush Limbaugh).

Instead, dear reader, I offer my tips for a first date. I think I am qualified, since my last first date worked out okay. So here's the StLBrianJ tips:

When meeting your Internet pen pal for the first time in person, select a neutral, out of the way spot to meet.
We met at a commuter lot off of Interstate 70. Somewhere out of sight will comfort your date, ensuring her that no one will see you and her together in case you're a dweeb.
Be patient while waiting for your date.
When you're anticipating a single woman with auburn hair in a white Ford Tempo, do not peel out of your parking spot in reverse when a white sedan bearing a woman with auburn hair and THREE CHILDREN parks in the spot RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Instead, gallantly remain patient and think of all the ways you can end the date very early. That way, if it turns out that this family were really meeting some guy in a monster SUV, you have not sacrificed your chance to snare a hot conservative chick on a bicycle.
Dress appropriately.
Remember, a black fedora is the way to say "creepy," and the added touch of a 1-inch stump of a ponytail says "but dorky."
Listen to what she has to say.
By "Listen to what she has to say," I mean don't say a freaking word. She'll think you're interested in her, and you don't volunteer that you're a geek who thinks a good Saturday night involves sitting around playing Ataris, drinking beer, and passing around laddie magazines.
Show no emotion.
Don't smile at all. Lead her to wonder why you're so mysterious, even though you're just really afraid you're going to blow it.
She doesn't drink coffee or like cigarette smoke? Take her to the Grind!
Nothing shows your sophistication like a European-style coffeehouse where all the au pairs have nicotine breath and the coffee is expensive.

In other words, I had no idea what I was doing or why it went so swimmingly.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:15 AM