Musings from Brian J. Noggle: MfBJN's Water Conserving Tips

MfBJN's Water Conserving Tips

Instapundit linked to a list of Top 10 Great Ways to Save Water. This list was useless to me for the most part because it was geared to water wastrels in the first place. Criminey, here's the list:

Apply no more than 1 in. of water per week to your lawn in two applications.
For Pete's sake, if I water the lawn, I will have to mow the lawn. If Mother Nature wants me to have a pristine lawn, it will rain nicely to support it, and Mother Nature will make sure that the poison ivy that invades the yet-unnamed Noggle homestead in Old Trees needs the disappearing honeybees for pollination.
Use a sprinkler timer to avoid over watering.
I have never owned a sprinkler in my life.
Use drip irrigation hoses in flower beds, covered by a thick layer of mulch.
Great Caesar's ghost! How does one get a thick layer of mulch to adhere to drip irrigation hoses in the first place?
Replace deteriorated flapper valves in toilets.
I could do this because I actually have toilets, but I also have a poorly-constructed drain system in my house that could use an extra goosing from some additional clean water flow from time to time. Also, I'm lazy and don't want to get into it.
Use a solar cover on the swimming pool when it's not in use.
A swimming pool? Lords of London, I don't have a swimming pool. Who does in these days where you're liable not only for drowning, but for the cases of West Nile disease that could have been borne by mosquitos bred in your pool?
Repair dripping faucets.
Always a good plan, but my relatively new faucets don't drip.
When possible, relocate indoor potted plants outside on a deck if a gentle rain is expected.
A deck? Brother, I moved to a neighborhood that has traffic and have put a front porch swing on my home to ensure I wouldn't become one of those deck-dwelling creatures segregated to their own family units in the suburban zoo, so I don't have a deck, thank you very much, and I am not going to construct one because Gaia whispered it in your ear. Also, a number of semi-feral cats have taken residence here, and they look at indoor plants as a salad bar whose contents should be retched upon the rug. So we don't have indoor plants, either. If we want to talk to flora, we engage the poison ivy in witty banter.
Cover vegetable gardens with a layer of straw mulch to reduce soil evaporation.
A good idea. I'll keep this in mind when President Bush encourages victory gardens. Until then, I'll get my fresh produce the normal way: putting on a bunny costume and raiding the neighbor's yard.
Replace shower heads with low-flow types.
That's easy advice for office-job types, but some people need the flow to get real grime off of themselves. Not that I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm too lazy to do that myself and too cheap to hire a plumber.
Conserve water while car washing.
I don't have a car, thankyouverymuch, I have a truck. Also, I don't wash it, for crying out loud; the dirt is an extra buffer between me and that BMW whose driver is arguing on a cell phone with a soon-to-be ex-husband.

Holy cannoli, that's a lot of advice for the hoity-toity types with swimming pools and landscaping and/or water features on their grounds.

You want to conserve water? Here's the MfBJN list for you, short form:

Drink more beer.
Sure, you'll flush the toilet more, but you're adding water to the local system. Yeah, far away someone wasted water brewing it, but that's not your fault. You're only trying to rectify the mistake.
Stop bathing.
Personal hygiene uses a lot of water. Stop shaving and brushing, too.
Club a baby seal.
Do you know how much those things drink? Also, the pelt makes a nice mulch for your vegetable garden or flower bed, preventing premature evaporation.
Creative car maintenance.
To quote the ever wise Jed Eckhart: "Well, when you grow up... then you'll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator."

Now that's advice the rest of us can effectively ignore.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:19 PM