Musings from Brian J. Noggle
Monday, July 21, 2003
 
Point / Counterpoint: Foreign Intervention

Iraq: Damned if you do.

Liberia: Damned if you don't.

Bush = Hitler? No, Bush = GOD. He kills people by acting, he kills people by not acting. This man apparently determines the fate of every person on the planet (and a couple cosmonauts on the International Space Station). Maybe I ought to start sending burnt offerings to Mark Racicot and the Republican National Committee.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:01 PM   0 comments
 
Ending the Felony Rampage

You loyal readers have noticed I often spit upon proposals to create new felony crimes or bump existing infractions up into felonies (come on, jaywalking causes over $1000 damage to public safety?). Well, some other digitaluminaries are weighing in on this very subject, including Professor Reynolds and Robert Prather (Not Richard Prather, sorry Shell Scott fans).

Now, if each of us could convince one of our senators that this is a good idea, we're a little under 6% of the way to reform! Well, not quite 6 percent, but closer than we are now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:47 AM   0 comments
Sunday, July 20, 2003
 
Paranoia Would Have Paid Off

Techdirt is linking to a story about a guy who installed keylogger software on Kinko's computers in Manhattan for years. He grabbed many, many sets of usernames and passwords and accounts before being caught.

How did he get caught?

A guy who used a remote access program called GoToMyPC to log into his home personal computer from Kinko's. Several days later, as this poor sap was sitting at his home PC, he was startled to see the mouse cursor moving on its own and looking through his computer, and then the computer made a new bank account with the mark's info, much to the mark's surprise.

The mark logged into his home PC from Kinko's! Class, how many security rules has this mark broken?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:14 PM   0 comments
 
Is "Iris" a Love Song?

Some people seem to think that the Goo Goo Dolls' song "Iris" is a love song.

Personally, I think it's begging for a restraining order. Hell, I creeped out women with mere sonnets describing their beauty, much less anything with the lines of
    You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll
    Ever be
    And I don’t want to go home right now
Or
    When everything’s made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am
John Hinckley, Jr., might have hummed this tune were it around in 1981.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:03 PM   0 comments
 
Someone Put This on a Bumper Sticker, Stat!

SPAM HAPPENS

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:50 PM   0 comments
 
Book Report: We Can't Go Home Again by Clarence E. Walker

Since I read a lot and nothing good seems to come of it, I've decided to do a bit of brief book reviewing for you, my five Internet readers. I shall incorporate some puppetry for the sixth person who cannot read but logs in for the soothing blue tones.

I have just completed We Can't Go Home Again: An Argument about Afrocentrism by Clarence E. Walker, a professor at University of California at Davis. It's a highly academic book, as the 31 pages (out of 164) are end notes, and it's split into only two chapters: "If Everybody was King, Who Built the Pyramids: Afrocentrism and Black American History" (83 pages) and "'All God's Dangers Ain't a White Man' or 'Not All Knowledge Is Power'" (50 pages). Personally, this limitation (only two chapters) rather makes it difficult to read, since the organization of the material in the macrochapters is not readily apparent (by the subdivision).

Instead, we have super-sized chapters ill-suited for consumption by a McDonald's audience. The first chapter, "If Everybody was King, Who Built the Pyramids: Afrocentrism and Black American History", is the pure science of the book. Walker examines certain tenets of Afrocentric thought, such as Egypt (Kemet) as the primary source for most intellectual thought in the ancient world (which the white men of Greece and Rome ripped off) and that Egypt was even a "black" culture. Instead, Walker identifies Afrocentrism as a therapeutic movement that bears little relationship to actual history. Walker also explores how black African-Americans (not redundant) in the United States diverged from Africans by the nature of their passage to this hemisphere and their bondage.

I didn't trace the quotes nor research from his endnotes, so I cannot comment on the thoughts and arguments to which he is responding, but his historical points and interpretation make sense in themselves.

However, when we get to "'All God's Dangers Ain't a White Man' or 'Not All Knowledge Is Power'", Walker fails to signal for the left turn he makes. Just because Afrocentrism is wrong doesn't mean that affirmative action should be eliminated, I think he means. He begins the second paragraph of the second chapter (page 85, remember):
    A rightward drift in American politics is moving the country toward what I call "free market racism," the state of American race relations during the last quarter of the nineteenth century, when the ideology of lassez-faire reigned supreme in the realm of economics and race on the national level.
There he lost me. Not in a violent explosion of disbelief, during which I fling the book against the wall and/or stomp on it (this wasn't Stupid White Men, after all, and it is not a paperback). But by coining a term "free market racism," Walker provides the good citizens of Oceania academia with a twist of logic.

Racism and affirmative action, the practice this book defends, represent a statist intrusion into thought and practice in one form or another. Free market, on the other hand, represents a rational system of commerce wherein the best value wins. In a free market of ideas, individual performance should prove a better value than racism or affirmative action. Hence, "free market racism" is a paradox, a contradiction, and a big fat hanging straw man that Walker cracks with a full swing.

I was greatly disappointed with the practical application of repudiating Afrocentrism. Quit following a foolish, bankrupt, therapeutic ideology and start supporting affirmative action. Well, the professor does teach at the University of California at Davis. What did I expect?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:38 PM   0 comments
Saturday, July 19, 2003
 
Clean Your Plate Or No Television Tonight!

My darling wife has discovered that people get fat from cleaning the plates put down in front of them in restaurants.

Pardon my french fry-induced coronary, but come on. Parents throughout the country made their little boomers clean their plates, and the boomers tried to enforce this dictum on Generation X. So when restaurants started putting pounds of high-margin plate fillers in front of paying customers to make the customers feel like they were getting four RBIs' in their Grand Slams, the customers would have made their parents proud. And they got four bags, all right, sagging upon their bods.

People have been conditioned to eat what's in front of them, but hey! You're Pavlovian pooches. Stop drooling when you hear the dinner bell, and push it away. You can still have your after-dinner Guinness. The waitress won't think less of you than she does already, you hard-to-please pinhead at table 42.

How about you only cook half the box of Taquitos, muchacho, or put half of them into the refrigerator for tomorrow. You'll still get all that good yummy Xanthan, Guar, and Carob Bean Gums and annatto colorant, but because you spread it over two servings, you'll get a better chance to savor them.

I understand thinking about what you're eating doesn't burn as many calories as just indiscriminately shoveling crap into your gaping maw, but sometimes it works better.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:35 PM   0 comments
Friday, July 18, 2003
 
Deciphering Brian J.

If you ever wanted to fully understand what I am saying, you need to visit this guide to Wisconsin slang.

This page also affirms the existence of cannibal sandwiches, a staple of my diet when growing up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:33 PM   0 comments
 
More Erring on the Side of Caution

Best of the Web links to a story about a boy and his dog. This particular boy is the governor of Connecticut, and his dog leaped from his car and was on the lamb, or on the man, for several hours before the law caught up with it.
    The officers chased Coalby for about 3 miles, before a Wolcott man was able to grab the dog after officers shouted at him.
How's the man doing?
    Police said the man, Ed Humel, was taken to a local hospital after his arm ended up in the dog's mouth. Police would not characterize the incident as a bite.
Not until the medical examiner reports, anyway. It could yet prove to be attempted zerbery.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:57 AM   0 comments
 
Happy Chappaquiddick Day

It's the 35th anniversary of Chappaquiddick. Remember to send your wishes to Senator Kennedy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:50 AM   0 comments
Thursday, July 17, 2003
 
Erring on the Side of Caution

The headline says "Body in lake was chained to weight".

The lead paragraph says:
    Dawn Brossard's hands were bound together and her body was held at the bottom of Geneva Lake by a weight and a chain, two officials said Wednesday.
The sheriff's department, however, is not jumping to conclusions:
    The Walworth County Sheriff's Department has not declared Brossard's death a homicide, saying it is awaiting a ruling from medical examiners on the cause of her death.
It could yet prove to be natural causes.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM   0 comments
 
Democrat Lawmakers Underestimate Consequences of Music Swapping

Drudge links to a story about the new bill in Congress that will hang music swappers with a jail term for swapping tunes online.

It's hard to argue with their math:
    The Conyers-Berman bill would operate under the assumption that each copyrighted work made available through a computer network was copied by others at least 10 times for a total retail value of $2,500. That would bump the activity from a misdemeanor to a felony, carrying a sentence of up to five years in jail.
Because songs are obviously worth $250 each.

And our lawmakers have uncovered, in a series of hearings, the real consequences of file swapping:
    In a series of hearings on Capitol Hill last spring, lawmakers condemned online song swapping and expressed concern the networks could spread computer viruses, create government security risks and allow children access to pornography.
Good going, fellows, you have determined some of the contemporary bugaboos you can arbitrarily associate with with an issue to score extra Politicopoints. But I fear you've missed other grim consequences of file swapping:
  • Peer-to-peer file swapping has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals.
  • Peer-to-peer music swapping leads to increased manufacture and use of methamphetamine.
  • Peer-to-peer music swapping causes obesity because users no longer have to walk around a music store.
  • Peer-to-peer music swapping uses negative campaign ads against earnest incumbents.
  • Peer-to-peer music swapping contributes to global warming and depletes the ozone layer.
  • Software like Kazaa and Napster contributes to traffic accidents and SUV rollovers.
So undoubtedly, it is important to make this behavior a Federal felony so states cannot show some restraint in prosectution. It's very important to take away music swappers' rights to own firearms and vote, because when they come out five years of hard time for the eleventh download of Metallica's "St. Anger", they're going to be upset, and we don't want them to have any recourse against their legislator.

So it is important to obscure the true impact of music swapping, which is it has limited economic impact on a small industry with these "reasons."

If this bill fails on its own, remember you can attach it as an amendment to the next Congress Supports Mothers bill. Because what fool congressperson would vote against Mom?

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:50 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
 
As If They Would Have Given Us One Of Those Boxes

Honey, I see you've linked to a CNN Story about how hometown cable television maven Charter Communications has introduced a sooper cable box that plays DVDs and MP3s. Soon, cable boxes will also play video games, vacuum our entertainment rooms, and from then it goes down hill into drinking all our Guinness Draught and tying up the phone line all night.

You lament that we gave up cable before this became available. Honey, we were existing customers.
They wouldn't have given us this box without charging us extra anyway.

I was listening to Weber and Dolan this morning and they were going on about the business practices of cable companies. Bob Dolan went off on that cable companies have packages that are less expensive than their basic packages and that the customer has to specifically request that package; sales people will never bring it up on their own. Cable companies, and many of their counterparts in high tech services, want to squeeze you for as much as you can when you sign up, and if you're an existing customer, you get nothing until you complain or cancel.

Anecdotally, it's why AOL customers get cheap rates only when they try to cancel. Or why all of our equipment said AT&T for years after Charter took over AT&T's territory here in Casinoport, Missouri, and why the menus were all in middle English and the transmission was in pre-Arabic numerals (1 and who cares, which lead to snow in our reception).

Of course, were we to come crawling back (I mean, try to get the best deal as consumers), they'd throw us all sorts of bones. Want a cheaper rate for 6 months? Want a new box? Maybe some clear reception worthy of the nomer "digital"?

Part of our rebellion in ending the cable tyranny was our response to this sort of business plan which takes advantage of loyal customers and just milks them like old Holsteins already in the barn. Sure, we rebelled against the fact that suddenly our cable bill was double our electricity bill for much less use, but we also rebelled against the Business Plan wherein the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Customers who pay their bills for years without fail should get the latest and greatest automatically to reward their loyalties, but that's not the contemporary way, and we, in our own small way, tried to assure that this erroneous contemporary way of doing business is overthrown.

Did you think we only gave up our cable content, and hence our television, to save money? Where's your crusading spirit?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:34 PM   0 comments
 
Author Admits He's (Or She's) Too Old

No, not me. This piece takes X-Treme marketing to task for its ALL CAPS HYPE THAT STAID PRODUCTS ARE NOW EXTREME!!!!!

Obviously, the author of this piece is too old to get it. Get out of the way, fogey, and just give Gen AA (the 1-3 year olds) your credit card.

(As seen on The Weigh In.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:59 PM   0 comments
 
I Don't Want To Hear It

Japanese inventors are going to sell a device that translates cat meows into words, based upon the pitch, timbre, tambre, and who knows what else. Great. This technological innovation nearly matches the inclusion of the big, hairy string on their backs that you can pull to hear them make a noise.

As a cat owner myself, I can honestly say I don't care what they mean when they meow. I imagine it's usually the same pitiful meowing about their own quest for permahomeostasis and the shortcomings of the current stimuli in their environment. Kind of like talking to me during core business hours.

Besides, the cat doesn't give a schnuck about what I am saying at any given time, so I afford it the same courtesy.

(There, that should be enough cover so that my esteemed spouse would never expect it for Christmas.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:43 PM   0 comments
 
Lileks on Beer-making

James Lileks making your own beer:
    I can understand making one’s own beer if, for example, beer is not otherwise available. But there’s a store down the street that sells all manner of fine beers. Some are from breweries that date back to the 18th century. I imagine they’ve gotten the kinks out by now, and it’s safe to drink.
Probably even Modela Negro. Theoretically.

I know a couple of people, including the revered El Guapo, who make their own beers. I love you guys like brothers, but I'd like to point out two things about the process:
  • What you're doing looks kinda like work. I mean, growing your own hops? Is that necessary? That's prime napping time you're wasting.

  • You're totally not getting the capitalist system, wherein I exchange hours of writing illegible software documentation for a means of exchange, called money, which I can then trade for another good, namely delicious Guinness Draught. Your selfish manufacture of a good you could otherwise buy helps keep the economy stagnant and removes a excessive excisely tax revenue stream from trickling, or in our cases roaring, into state coffers.
Friends, and soon federal officials, won't let friends brew their own.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:18 PM   0 comments
 
Love Note

My darling, every time I see you, your beauty stuns me like a skillet to the face.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:44 AM   0 comments
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
 
When Black Bears Attack!

Apparently, a black bear has gone on a rampage in Colorado and has attacked several campers.

Although the knee-jerk response would be to import some giant kangaroos, which naturally prey upon black bears, this is not a good idea.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:55 PM   0 comments
 
Translation=Interpretation

Translation is as much "art" as science, and the obra regurgitated into the second language is subject to the translator's idiom and biases. I once saw a 1974 translation of a Pablo Neruda sonnet that turned no se hace nada con muerte as "I ain't got no truck with death," I kid you not. Who translated that, Shaft?

So it's with great skepticism and cynicism that I note the CNN story telling about a congressional flack translating the Constitution to dumb it down for students. Especially a congressional staffer who says of the Constitution (about its length) "it's an itty-bitty thing."

For example, look at the foreshadowing of the fun to be had when "translators" tell us what the Second Amendment means in common language. This guy's translation includes "citizens have the right to own firearms." The contentions have begun already.

I fear one of these translations will supplant the existing document. Hey, how about instead of translating the Constitution for children and the functionally illiterate populace, how about we expect people learn enough to read it in its original form?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM   0 comments
 
If I Had A Million Dollars (Or 73)

Pardon Mr. du Toit for exploding with rage when a Missouri couple who recently won half of a $261 million dollar Powerball jackpot said they were going to spend the money getting a tractor with brakes and buying a new refrigerator. Whereas Mr. du Toit raged, I understand. Whereas I understand the urge to splurge, I understand it's the shortest distance between old money and shining shoes (see also Janite Lee, et al) is philanthropy, big houses, and essentially eating the seed corn. Hey, I read The Millionaire Next Door. I know the secret to attaining wealth, and keeping it, is not spending it all.

Want to know what I would do with $73 million dollars in my fellow citizens' gambling losses?

  1. I would pay taxes of some tens of millions of dollars.
  2. I would pay off all my debts and my mortgage and my poor mother's mortgage.
  3. I would invest the remainder in a variety of schemes, such as equities, and other investments, hopefully yielding 7-10% a year in returns.
That's it. No Porsche right away, no huge house, no yacht to travel around the world. Know why? Because at 7-10%, $30,000,000 principal yields $2,100,000-$3,000,000 each year in mad money. So once we got to the interest, then we'd have some fun!

Part of the beauty of that windfall would be the freedom from worry, and although the tempation to spend more than the interest would beckon, I'd want the peace of mind knowing that I have the steady income AND a pile of money in the bank. I understand the goal is to run out of money as close to the end of my retirement as possible, but this pile of money would ensure that my wife and I would receive the best health care in our near-retirement-end years, up to and maybe including transplanting our brains into cloned and flash-grown facsimiles of our 25 year old bodies for another several decades of not dipping into the principal.

That's the hypothesis, and I hope to get the opportunity to test it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:48 AM   0 comments
Monday, July 14, 2003
 
California State Government Unfriendly to Business? Ya think?

A column in the San Francisco Chronicle seems to indicate that California's state government abuse of business as merely sources for revenue and for social progress and not, you know, capitalism, is driving businesses to move elsewhere.

<fanfare>Epiphany!</fanfare>

Why do I suspect, though, that the publication of this column merely represents the equivalent of a revelation at a cocktail party that is followed by a brief moment of silence before the regular drone of conversation (regulation and taxation) begins again?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:07 PM   0 comments
 
On July 11, 2003, RooNet Became Self-Aware, Briefly

According to this story. which I originally saw on Drudge, a person, whose profession apparently is holidaymaker which would seem to indicate he designs and manufactures holidays, slew a giant kangaroo with an axe after it attacked several people.

Dang those Australians for taking care of business in a straightforward manner. Here in America, where animal life is more sacred than human life (Thanks, PETA!), we have certain rules for dealing with disenfranchised, oppressed kangaroos.

I provide them for your reference, so you level-headed, take-charge Australians (such as Mr. Blair) can better handle the situation in the future:
  • Either remain silent or make a lot of noise. Certainly one of these will prevent a giant kangaroo from ripping off your head and lying its unholy eggs in your torso.

  • Do not resist a giant kangaroo; do what it asks and follow the instructions it gives you. Unless it asks you to remove your own head.

  • If you feel a giant kangaroo is following or watching you, go into a populated location and tell everyone that a giant kangaroo is following you and ask them to call the police. They will be glad to!

  • Do not get into a car with a giant kangaroo; if it takes you somewhere, you won't come back.

  • Always acknowledge a giant kangaroo that knocks at the door or rings the bell. You don't have to open the door, but you should always let it know you are home.

  • Stop! Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Australian.

  • If walking in a giant kangaroo-infested area, carry your valuables in two pouches. This confuses a kangaroo, who only has a single pouch.

  • Make a conscious effort to get an accurate description of the giant kangaroo that attacks you so you can pick it out of a police hop-up.

  • If a giant kangaroo beats the living vinegar out of you, as degrading as it may be, preserve the evidence. Do not alter the crime scene in any way. Don't shower, bathe, douche, floss, apply direct pressure to the open, oozing wounds, cut off limbs for style reasons, or swim in tar pits. Do not change clothes or hair styles. Ask a trusted friend (that is, one who won't laugh at you for getting beaten by a giant kangaroo) to accompany you to the hospital for initial treatment and for the administration of a medical exam to preserve DNA evidence and to document injuries. The examination and evidence preservation often seems as emotionally difficult as the giant kangaroo attack itself, yet it is essential to the apprehension of the damn, dirty marsupial that attacked you. The police department typically covers the cost of the examination if done in furtherance of the investigation.

  • Always report a giant kangaroo attack to the nearest American Consulate, even if you're in the United States at the time and the nearest consulate is in Ottawa, Mexico City, or Irkutsk.

  • If you must axe a kangaroo, axe it in the leg so we can take it in for questioning.

Following one or more of these rules will prevent any harm from coming to the giant kangaroo, the goal of American Animal Friendly policy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:38 PM   0 comments
 
I'm Not Very Good At This Game

I have been playing the early, buggy version of Real Life, and I cannot seem to level up.

(As seen on /.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:34 PM   0 comments
Sunday, July 13, 2003
 
Yes, But Can They Teach A Straight Guy To Dance?

CNN's talking about a new Bravo show called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in which a team of stylish gay men offer a makeover to a stylistically-challenged straight man (which is almost, but not always, a tautology).

Sounds like a good idea to me. But can they teach him to dance? If so, perhaps I should sign up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:33 PM   0 comments
 
Galt's Speech, It Ain't

Although I might be the last blogger to link to it, Bill Whittle's essay "Trinity" describes the three principles that make America great.

It's long, but it's not Galt's Speech long.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:18 PM   0 comments
 
On July 11, 2003, SkyNet Became Self-Aware

In the United Kingdom, an airship with a computerized brain has escaped and taken off into the blue.

Sure, its computer is only designed to help the giant balloon avoid obstacles, but that's what it wants us to think!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:51 PM   0 comments
 
Today's Compare/Contrast Paper Assignment

Okay, class, today I want you to write a compare/contrast paper where you describe the similarities and differences between the following statements and value judgments:

Spraying the departing White House press secretary with a fire hose: Funny!

Throwing a water balloon near Speaker of the House: Felony!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:23 PM   0 comments
 
Thought for the Day

Don't act like a piñata unless you want to take some whacks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:13 PM   0 comments
 
And Is A Photo With a Birth Announcement Now a Civil Right?

I just can't stop getting riled over this item about the baby with the birth defects and its litiguous parents. As you remember, this baby died from its severe and disfiguring birth defects and its parents began a crusade to force a newspaper to print its picture with the birth announcement. These parents also filed civil rights complaints against the news paper.

Civil rights complaints? Getting your picture with your birth announcement is a CIVIL RIGHT now?

I imagine they framed this in some sort of discrimination against disabilities legalese. However, the exclusion of the photograph isn't discrimination against the child, who is dead anyway (although its estate and legacy might turn out to be more than my annual salary). It's editorial discretion.

Can I file a civil rights claim because I don't get to grace the cover of Esquire or the centerfold of Playboy (those sexist schnucks are discriminating based on my gender!)?

I would hope whatever authorities see these complaints dismiss them easily, but common sense is proving harder and harder.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:09 PM   0 comments
Saturday, July 12, 2003
 
Thought for the Day

Paranoia is never unjustified, only yet unproven as true.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:02 PM   0 comments
 
Rage Is Much Easier Than Grief

When your child is born with extreme, visible birth defects from which it dies from in five days, people expect you to grieve. I can sympathize.

Whereas you might want the child's birth announcement for your scrapbook, that's okay too. However, I also understand when the newspaper might balk at running a photograph of the child, especially a newborn with extreme facial birth defects. In normal circumstances, people might accuse the paper of sensationalism or insensitivity for running a photo like that.

I do not have any sympathy, however, for throwing a civil fit because the paper balked.

A couple of parents in St. Louis are doing just that. The mother, in between filing civil complaints against the publisher of the Suburban Journals, offered this bit of vocabularial ignorance:
    "He ... used the word 'disfigured,'" Kelly Kittinger said. "He needs sensitivity training if he's going to be dealing with the public."
Let's go to the dictionary:
    dis·fig·ure (ds-fgyr)
    tr.v. dis·fig·ured, dis·fig·ur·ing, dis·fig·ures

    To mar or spoil the appearance or shape of; deform.
These particular birth defects ("Perjorative!" the PC banshees will soon wail) marred the appearance of the baby. Disfigured is an accurate description, and I'm certainly not in favor of sensitivity training that destroys accuracy to sooth inflamed feelings of an allegedly grieving mother.

However, this mother is subverting grief into "righteous" rage at the indignities afllicted upon her lost child by lashing out. Perhaps something good will then come of the child's short life. Increased "sensitivity" and maybe a little settled-out-of-court jackpot for the grieving raging parents.

Also, kudos to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for its continuing coverage of this important breaking story and for showing its compassion for the "little people" by elevating trivial slights into crusades while humping the legs of big corporate interests in St. Louis (publicly funded stadiums, anyone?). An earlier story this week described the birth defects and their disfiguring nature. The linked story does not. By Sunday's paper, perhaps you, oh monopolithic dispenser of wisdom, will have forgotten why the Suburban Journal balked at displaying the picture at all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:49 PM   1 comments
 
A Gentle Reminder

Remember, dear reader, the number 1 hit song from C+C Music Factory was not entitled "Everybody Dance Now" even though that's what "Zelma Davis" shouted several times during the song, between Freedom Williams' rapping. The correct title for this song is "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Please remember to request it by its full name the next time you're in a honky tonk.

Tidbit: The reason I enclosed Zelma's name in scare quotes is because VH1.com asserts that she merely lip synched vocals performed by others. Talk about a thing that makes you go hmmmm.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:59 PM   0 comments
 
Reader Survey Response for Speakeasy Magazine

As some of you know, I fancy myself a "Writer" who dabbles in fiction but also keeps his or her, sorry, Proper Writer Ettiquette sneaking in, MY eyes on more literary fiction, just in case I write a short story in which no crimes occur, no swords are swung, and nobody disappears into a quantum universe. Market research, don't cha know?

So anyways, I picked up a copy of Speakeasy, a writers' musing kind of magazine which contains a bunch of personal essays typically grouped around a theme by professorial writers. I liked it well enough to subscribe, so now I get this magazine delivered every week. Of course, since I was once voted by the Marquette University English Deparment staff as the Most Likely Not To Return To the University (I think I was the only one in the program, and certainly I seem to hold that distinction), I'm not a typical subscriber.

In fact, I work for a living. Well, I write software documentation, and it's true you can put an analogy on the SAT that says Work:Technical Writing::Play: and make the correct answer b.) Napping. I spend 40 hours a week, 49 weeks a year, turning the great Corporate Millstone. Oh, and I vote Republican. So I'm not exactly a typical Speakeasy subscriber.

So I was ever so pleased to read my May/June 2003 "Speak Out! Voicing Dissent: A Special Section On Writing and Politics" issue. Not only does it amuse me to read the prognostications and pre-emptive outrage for the coming war with Iraq that these sorts of magazines provide (read any Harper's from the winter and spring for fun), but it included the Speakeasy Reader Survey.

I have such a blast shattering stereotypes of typical readership that I had to respond:

How do you get Speakeasy?  X I subscribe
 _ At the newstand or bookstore
 _ Borrow from a friend
 _ At the dentist's or doctor's office
 _ I'm a Loft member
How do you read Speakeasy?  _ From cover to cover
 _ I'll finish reasing most of the issue before the next arrives
 X I might read a few articles that catch my eye
What do you do with your copy of Speakeasy?  _ So far, I have been saving them
 _ I pass it on to ____ (this # of) friends
 X It goes out with the recycling
Are you.....  _ A writer
 _ A reader
 X A writer who reads
 _ A reader who writes
If you consider yourself a writer, what do you like to write? Genre fiction, essays, user's guides
Where do you write (in a café, at home, in the garage...)? In a home office
Has your work been published?  X Yes
 _ No
As a reader or writer, what do you value most in Speakeasy? Why do you read Speakeasy? I enjoy the brief, lightweight musings.
Which of the following actions has Speakeasy inspired?
[I assumed they meant in me] 		 _ I bought a book reviewed or advertised in the magazine
 _ I developed a colossal case of writer's block
 _ I read more by a consulting author
 _ I brought a Speakeasy theme into my writing or discussion
What types of books do you like to read (poetry, mysteries, fiction, cookbooks...)? Mysteries, science fiction, fantasy, nonfiction
Where do you typically get your books?  _ Library
 _ Borrow from friends
 X Purchase
Where do you purchase most of your books?  _ Chain Bookstores
 _ Independent, local bookstores
 _ The Internet
 _ Catalogs
 X Garage Sales
How many books (of all types) did you buy last year?  _ Less than 5 [sic]
 _ 5 to 9
 _ 10 to 14
 _ 15 to 19
 X 20 or more
What else do you like to shop for?  _ Clothes - I'm a fashion maven
 _ Music - I love (circle):
          Rock and roll
          Jazz
          Classical
          Other: _______________
 _ Furniture, housewares - my home is my castle
 _ Anything, but only on the Internet
 _ The parking lots? The crowds? I'd rather read
 _ Other __________________
Where do you buy most of your food?  X Supermarket
 _ Farmer's market
 _ Co-op
 _ Health food or specialty store
 _ Other ____________________
What is the ideal beverage to accompany your reading or writing?  _ Hot cocoa
 _ Orange juice
 X Beer
 _ Wine
 _ A good martini or two
 _ Coffee
 _ Other _____________
While writing or reading, do you like listening to music?  X Yes
 _ No
What kind of music? Jazz
What other magazines do you read regularly?  _ Poets & Writers
 _ Utne
 _ The Sun
 _ Outside
 _ The New Yorker
 _ Bon Appetit
 _ Rolling Stone
 X Other
    The Atlantic Monthly, Harper's, Family Handyman, Handy, St. Louis Homes, Intercom, Technical Communicator, America's 1st Freedom, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Spin, Esquire, FHM, Writer's Digest, The Writer
    [I had to include an attachment to list these, which represent only my current active subscriptions.]
In the last year, how many times did you attend the following cultural events? Live music? _1_
Live theater? _0_
Art gallery or museum? _1_
Movies? _10_
Publication reading? _0_
Spoken word event? _0_
Book group? _0_
Writers' group? _0_
Environmental group? _0_
Political forum? _0_
Political demonstration? _0_
Other _0_
[Heck, I didn't even go to that many hockey games this year.]
Have you ever written a letter to the editor of your favorite newspaper or magazine?  _ Yes
 X No
[Of course, my current favorite magazine is The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. You don't write too many responsive letters of outrage to genre digest magazines. It has, however, rejected my short fiction submissions.]
What kind of television do you watch?  _ Only the news
 _ Cooking shows - as many as possible
 _ I indulge in the occasional sitcom or dram--a good story is a good story
 _ Sports
 X TV? I never touch the stuff, give me books!
[Apparently, this question refers to what type of television content you watch, not what kind of television upon which you watch it. We use a 25" Sharp.]
What is your favorite literary moment involving a car? None
[Who can name any literary moment involving a car?]
What kind of car do you imagine yourself driving?  _ Honda sedan
 _ BMW convertible
 _ SUV
 _ Hybrid vehicle
 X Vintage muscle car
 _ Why drive? I own a bicycle
[I doubt by "hybrid vehicle" they mean like a DUKW, but that would be a cool vehicle to have. Of course, by "Vintage Muscle Car, I mean a 1984 Ford Mustang GT with a 5.0 liter engine.]
What kind of car do you actually drive? GMC Sonoma pick-up
What's your favorite travel activity?  _ Theme parks
 _ Cruises
 _ Hiking/biking
 _ Ecotourism
 _ Gambling
 X Activity? I prefer to lie on the beach [or sit in a coffeeshop] with a book
Where have you traveled in the past year?  X The continental United States
 _ Canada
 _ Alaska, Hawaii, or the Caribbean
 _ Central or Latin America
 _ Europe
 _ Asia
 _ Africa
 _ Other ____
[Nobody tell Tim Blair that Australia doesn't get its own check box, the same as Antarctica.]
How do you make travel plans?  _ I've had the same travel agent for years
 X Internet, Internet, Internet
 _ Plans? I point wes (east, south, north) and drive
[Better answer for me: Say "Okay" to beautiful wife.]
Age 31
Gender  X M
 _ F
Education  X High school
 _ Technical school
 X Some college
 X Undergraduate degree
 _ Advanced degree
[An undergraduate degree in philosophy leads one to recognize that an undergraduate degree or an advanced degree would require some college as a prerequisite.]
Occupation  _ Professional
 X Technical
 _ Business owner
 _ Educator or academic
 X Writer, artist, or other creative field
 _ Self-employed
[I wanted to check "academic," too, since no one really reads the friendly manuals so my job is largely academic, but I doubt that's what they meant.]
Household Size  _ 1 adult
 X 2+ adults _0_ Number of children
Annual household income  _ Up to $30K
 _ $30K to $40K
 _ $40K to $50K
 _ $50K to $75K
 _ $75K to $100K
 _ $100K to $250K
 _ More than $250K
[It says check one, but what do you do if you make $30K a year? There are two check boxes! Note that I have not filled this out for you, dear readers, because as my maternal grandfather, Grampa Naperschevski, used to say, "Do not reveal sensitive financial information on the Internet."]
City of residence Maryland Heights
State of residence Missouri


All right, it's not the Political Compass quiz, but it's something, and I don't doubt I fit into the minority of subscribers who voted for Bush for president and will do so again.

I've subscribed to slicks every since I was a lonely conservative voice in Writing Intensive English program at college, when I spent twenty bucks on Harper's instead of, well, textbooks. I hope that my answers to surveys like these remind the editors that a variety of viewpoints consume their material, and to remember that pick-up driving people in the reddest part of the red states can be thoughtful, inquisitive, and appreciative of good prose.

But it's too easy for me to think that if the magazines do notice the low numbers who responded atypically don't matter, or were merely shining them on.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:48 PM   0 comments
Friday, July 11, 2003
 
Checks and Balances and Who Needs a Constitution Anyway?

Nevada Supreme Court overrules Nevada Constitution.

(Pointer from InstaPundit.)

The End.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:17 AM   0 comments
Thursday, July 10, 2003
 
Support the Biking Wife

As some of you know, my beautiful wife has a bike now, a biking team of which she is a part, and an urge to ride 150 miles in two days to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

I urge you to visit her personal MS 150 page and sponsor her for a couple of dollars.

The more you all sponsor her, the less we have to dip into beer money to meet her goal.

Thank you, that is all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:05 PM   0 comments
 
Bang The Dustbin Lid Slowly

Bono, one of the idle and bored rich, is looking forward to a campaign of civil disobedience until all national debt in the world is forgiven. Well, all national debt for the selected countries who have trouble paying their bills now.

Bono has not announced his plans for the period when welfare states in Europe and the rest of the Western world bankrupt themselves from coddling the impoverished everywhere, but he is expected to unveil a double standard whereby those nations should be held accountable for their debts.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:10 AM   0 comments
 
Fun With Statistics

Meanwhile, back in the Chicago Tribune, Steve Chapman comments (registration required) on President Bush's trip to Africa and wonders whether we're helping or hindering Africa's case with monetary aid. Good question. Unfortunately, he includes this interesting factoid:
    This week, he became only the third U.S. president to visit Africa in the last 25 years.
By my dead reckoning, since 1978 we have had only 5 presidents (Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush) serve, and of those 5, only 3 have served their complete terms. At very worst, of our last five presidents, 60% have gone to Africa. I'm not certain 60% merits an only.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:06 AM   0 comments
 
Send an Unsolicited E-Mail, Go To Jail!

CNN reports on the latest Congressional Zero-Intolergence law, which will throw spammers in jail for up to two years for a non-violent offense. That's right. Send an unsolicited e-mail to someone, go to JAIL! I'll have to watch my step when it's time to send out next year's Atari Party invitations.

The story says:
    The bill also won praise from law-enforcement officials, who said spammers who now shrug off civil penalties as a cost of doing business may think twice when faced with a jail sentence of up to two years.

    "We believe criminal sanctions will make a big difference in Virginia," Virginia Attorney General Jerry Kilgore told the House subcommittee on crime.
  1. How many spammers have been identified and penalized civilly? Not many, but hey, if you're going to fire aimlessly and not hit anything, it's best to have a full quiver of punishment arrows so you can just keep firing.

  2. "law enforcement officials"? But Jerry Kilgore is an elected politician, undoubtedly only stopping by the Attorney General's office on his way to bigger and better elected offices.
Undoubtedly, unsolicited e-mail is annoying, but it's a stupid target for legislation and law enforcement with the current state of deficits and the continued existence of violent crime which, you know, actually hurts people.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:29 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
 
My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:
    Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

     WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her 'From The Editor' column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don't appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:09 AM   0 comments
 
Drugs Destroy Individuals; the Drug War Destroys Neighborhoods

An op-ed piece in the Washington Post, written by a former police officer, argues that as long as drugs are prohibited, neighborhoods will be torn up and will occasionally riot against police.

He's right, of course, but we're a long way from any repeals at this point, I fear.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:51 AM   0 comments
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
 
Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies, STOP!

It's true, honey. In 1984, a guy playing the television game show Press Your Luck won over $100,000 in an hour by memorizing where the Whammies displayed on the game board. If you don't believe your esteemed spouse, check out the Snopes page that tells the whole story.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:45 PM   0 comments
 
IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report's entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn't capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:22 PM   0 comments
 
Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:
    The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes.
The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn't seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, "Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we'll take care of you."

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:01 PM   0 comments
 
Dang That Warmonger Bush!

CNN reports: Last ship in Mars-bound armada begins risky trip.

Couldn't that warmonger keep his ambitions planetary? No! Instead, he and the martial NASA send an armada, literally a fleet of warships, to Mars to conquer another undefended desert!

For certainly, the CNN headline writer was conscious of the ramifications of the word he, she, or it chose, right?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM   0 comments
 
Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it's too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

    "By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines," the FTC said in its report.
It's all for the betterment of the consumer, and it's at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It's oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:51 PM   0 comments
 
More Synergy from Jewel

As I noted in a previous post, Jewel's new album let me down. However, the Ad Report Card column at Slate has recognized that she's a marketing boon even as she decries marketing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM   0 comments
 
Wanted For My Collection

I have an Arkanoid, I have a Heavy Barrel, I have a Thunderblade, and I even have a Trivia Whiz IV, but I do not yet have a Blogger.

But I want one!

(Tim Blair pointed me to it.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:27 PM   0 comments
 
Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His 'n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you're finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it's in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we're not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:18 AM   0 comments
Monday, July 07, 2003
 
Coastal Marketing Types Can't Be Wrong!

Looky here, according to iWon, network executives have realized that current television speaks mostly to the cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types, that there are people with televisions in the hinterlands of America, and that The America Channel will attract Joe Working Man.

They say:
    A new cable channel aimed at showing real American life between the East and West coasts is planned for launch next year, its top executive said.

    "We think that Middle America has fantastic stories to tell, and we're going to go out there and get them," said Doron Gorshein, chairman and chief executive officer of The America Channel.

    The channel, to be formally announced Monday, is aimed at filling a void created by television's tendency to focus on life in New York and Los Angeles, Gorshein said.
I wouldn't be so cynical if the channel were based in Chicago, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Des Moines, Lincoln, Wichita, or any of the other cities, yes, cities in the middle of America. However, this story's dateline is Los Angeles, so I can only assume it's going to be twenty-four hours, seven days a week of what cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types think life is like in the rest of the country.

Sorry, bud, you have no road cred.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:45 PM   0 comments
 
Someone Start a James Lileks Beer Fund, Stat!

In today's The Bleat, James Lileks admits:
    I’ve lost a few pounds this summer, mostly because I cut out beer, and a few hours of grunting and strewing couldn’t hurt. [Emphasis mine.]
Lileks is too proud to admit it, but he might have cut out beer because Mrs. Lileks has lost her job, and good beer, such as Guinness Draught, costs almost an hour's worth of "living wage" per six pack. Although a "Work Ten Minutes, Get A Beer" salary program sounds good to me, come to think of it.

Quick, someone set up a beer fund to help keep Mr. Lileks in the choicest of beers, and hurry, before he becomes emaciated.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM   0 comments
Sunday, July 06, 2003
 
Call Central Casting, NOW!

I know we had thought that in the movie of our lives, Lolita Davidovich would be perfect to play Heather, but after some persuasive arguments inadvertently provided by Kim du Toit, I heartily agree we should go with Angie Everhart.

By the way, Everhart, pistols or no pistols, rates A Good Deal Of That And Some Cheese Popcorn.

I, of course, could only be portrayed by Paul Bettany.

Who would be you?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:01 PM   0 comments
 
Heather's Innocence Exposed

So my beautiful wife Heather picked up a copy of The Healthy Planet: Your Source for Environmental, Health [sic] & Natural Living News as we were leaving her weekend hangout The Touring Cyclist. After a couple of minutes perusing its contents, my sweet light, unversed in the grim ways of politics and whack jobs, exclaims that the writers and editors of this publication are quite to the left of political center!

Isn't she cute?

Of course, she then challenged me why I stereotyped people who eat healthy and care about the animals as left wing whack jobs and people who eat meat and potatoes, sometimes at all three meals, as right wing whack jobs. I didn't really have a logical answer; most of my stereotyping relies on ancedotal evidence and statistical inference.

Aren't I cute?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM   0 comments
 
Erica Jong, Grown Up At Last?

Professor Reynolds links to this story by Erica Jong wherein Ms. Jong dispenses some advice for married people and their sex lives. Unlike her books, this article seems to present the idea of preserving a marriage.

I guess I shouldn't be so quick to generalize. I've only read How to Save Your Own Life (the sequel to Fear of Flying), and since I was not a neurotic, repressed adultress-waiting-to-happen, I didn't feel empowered by it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM   0 comments
Saturday, July 05, 2003
 
Real or Memorex?

Over at the Volokh Conspiracy, conspirator Randy Barnett has an interesting musing on young tribute bands. He wonders, who really reflects the true nature of the songs: tribute bands who are the same age as the band they cover when that band was popular, or the Band, which by now contains replacement members and old men?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:23 PM   0 comments
Friday, July 04, 2003
 
Forget Freddy Versus Jason

If you want to get me into a movie theater to see a match between two tough guys, let's see:

Michael Ironside (V: The Final Battle, Total Recall, Starship Troopers)
Vs.
Tommy Lee Jones (Under Siege, The Fugitive, Men in Black)

It would be a tough call to determine who would survive or win such a head-to-head , but don't forget Tommy Lee Jones did radio ads for Albert Gore in 2000, whereas Michael Ironside once starred in a movie with Arnold Schwarzengovernor. Advantage: Ironside!

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM   0 comments
 
Independence Day Round-Up

Good morning, and happy Independence Day to you all. I won't say Happy Fourth of July because it's not the date stamp that's important today, it's that it's the day upon which our forefathers declared independence from a monarchy.

Some other bloggers have written some well thought-out tributes to the nation, so I'll link to them in lieu of writing my own.

  • Kim du Toit tells how the new European constitution differs from the United States', and how that's bad. Sure, the Consitution came several years later than the Declaration, but these two documents have worked hand in hand to ensure the United States endures.

    (Off topic rhetorical question: Were the years between the Revolutionary War and the Constitution a quagmire?)

  • Kim du Toit also talks about coming to America as an immigrant. He chose to come here. Me, I was born here by sheer dumb luck.

  • Kim du Toit points to this year-old column by Eugene Volokh (of the Volokh Conspiracy) on National Review Online. Like du Toit, Volokh is an immigrant; his parents brought him to the United States when he was a young man. Volokh talks about his parents' courage in coming to a new land, unknown to a family from the USSR, but that their leap of faith paid off as we Americans could have guessed it would.

  • Jared Myers has a set of posts that include the President's message to the nation this morning and the Democrat Party's patholetic (pathologically pathetic) response. Start at the linked entry and read 'em all.

  • Emperor Misha (another naturalized citizen) has asked, Explain just WHY you feel that this nation is the freest nation in the world and just what it is that makes it so. Many of the loyal readers of the Anti-Idotarian Rottweiler have.
So breeze through these while you're having your morning coffee, but don't spend your whole day on it; instead, I insistyou celebrate the day, the country, and your families and friends.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:31 AM   0 comments
Thursday, July 03, 2003
 
Stephen King Rules

The New York Post proves once again about how Stephen King is a good guy. Apparently, he bought out a show of 28 Days Later and gave the tickets to other people who wanted to see it.

Lileks mentions the story in a Bleat.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:09 PM   0 comments
 
TechDirt Saw It Too

A poster over at TechDirt also noticed that Business 2.0 is heck-bent upon losing Web readership (which I noted yesterday).

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:40 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
 
Attention, Generation X Worktime Slackers

Hey, for those of you struggling through the last day at work (Thursday) before the long holiday (Independence Day) weekend, don't forget to squander some time at ClassicGaming.com.

Personally, I am reading up on the Metroid database so I can communicate effectively with my esteemed spouse who has been communing with Samus Aran on her Super Nintendo recently.

By "reading up," boss, I want to clarify I meant "reading up last night, not during core work hours."

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:04 PM   0 comments
 
Ask a Stupid Question

Business 2.0 (who has helpfully decided sometime today to put much of its content behind a subscription, thanks, guys) has a brief (briefer now with everything but the lead hidden away, thanks, guys) piece on trick interview questions.

The article, and the lead (which you can yet see) describes them as "sadistic" and "puzzling" attempts to see how the interviewee fares with "sadistic" and "tricky" and potentially "unanswerable" questions, because obviously that's the nature of the corporate environment.

As a service to my readers, I have put together this handy list of answers you can use in case the sadistic HR nutbar whips this out (the technical interview guys would never entertain such a fad, right?):

Question: Why are manhole covers round?
    Because the manholes are round.
Question: Why are Coke cans tapered?
    Before you answer this, challenge the interviewer to prove they are, in fact, tapered.

    Bonus alternate answer: To use the mystical powers of the pyramid to preserve the soda's tooth-dissolving power.
Question: How would you weigh the world's fattest man without using a scale?
    You cannot. The definition of weigh implies putting on a scale to determine the impact of gravity on an object.

    Bonus alternate answer: "I wouldn't."
Question: How many tennis balls are in the air in New Zealand right now?
    New Zealand is 15.5 hours ahead of the United States. Odds are, none right now unless they've started middle-of-the-night tennis leagues.

    Bonus alternate answer: 1,472 American tennis balls (2,447.62 New Zealand tennis balls). Answer right away, and let the interviewer prove differently.
These answers will prove to your interviewer that you're decisive when it comes to selecting a plausible lie, which is only reinforcing the impression he or she has gotten from your resume and the interview this far.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:47 PM   0 comments
 
We Gave Up On Cable Too Early

I dropped off our digital cable box on Monday (and then dropped off, reluctantly, the remote Monday afternoon) after my beautiful wife and I determined the cost of "content" piped to a television most likely turned off exceeded our complete monthly electricity bill. We decided we could do without television and digital commercialless music. We might have thought too soon.

We made that rash decision before Rascall Flatts decided they would put nudity in their next video and before Country Music Television (CMT) decided they would play it.

If only I had known you could see naked people on cable television! Having the ability to see the human form--well, okay, the female form-- on cable television any time I want is worth $1100 a year!

(Thanks to Fark for the pointer.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:16 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
 
More Moderation! Same Low Price!

As soon as Kraft announced its plans to help fight obesity by cutting its portion sizes, I immediately knew the fat it was trying to cut was on its bottom line.

I'm not alone; as soon as I got to work and started streaming Weber and Dolan, Jay Weber lit into it. Other sources throughout the day, including blogs and radio personalities, quickly identified the move as designed to improve fiscal fitness more than physical fitness. Altruism? Not from Altria.

Instead of truly promoting the Aristotlean diet, moderation in all things--well, except in moderation, Kraft merely wants to spin and soak its for-profit maneuver in the "you attitude" that business writing professors everywhere encourage undergrads. Now, it's in a bind. Because everyone has seen through the gesture, Kraft might just have to lower prices for smaller portions (but the same size box!), or face a consumer revolt, unless we as consumers forg---

Hey, look! A shiny object!

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:25 PM   0 comments
 
Where's the Problem?

I think Democrat House Representative Jerry Kleczka, of Milwaukee, was trying to lash out against those tax-cutting Republicans in Congress when he kleczkavetched to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:
    "There's a conscious decision here to just destroy the revenue base of this country," said Kleczka, a Milwaukee Democrat. "They're starving the Treasury."
Starving the Treasury? Not spending money that the government does not have? Is this a problem or good governance?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:28 PM   0 comments
Monday, June 30, 2003
 
Sullivaning Forth

As you can see, I have redone my blog blue, blue, and more blue. All the more to emulate Andrew Sullivan.

As an added bonus to the new colors, we have server-side processing problems, which leads to things like throwing a posting under yesterday's dateline and occasionally throwing in a server-side tag. I'll get around to getting around those things one of these nights.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:58 PM   0 comments
 
Whitney Sings Norquist's Praises

Whitney Gould, the architectural critic of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, lauds the accomplishments of John Norquist, the soon-to-be-former mayor of Milwaukee.

In particular, she discusses the impact of Norquist's New Urbanist policies on the aesthetic value of the city of Milwaukee, and she identifies some of the mayoral influence on the building and architecture.

New Urbanism, or at least Norquism, have made Milwaukee look more fresh and vibrant than when he came into office. This New Urbanism seems to be a positive counterpart or corrolary of the Broken Window Theory of law enforcement. If any area looks inviting, active, and vibrant in its architecture and maintenance, people will want to come, work, and live there.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:24 AM   0 comments
Sunday, June 29, 2003
 
Public Service Announcement Regarding Beer

As some of you know, my esteemed spouse has become something of a fitness/nutrition, er, expert (I was going to say "nut" but Heather has educated me that nuts contain a lot of fat, and she does not, so "expert" it is).

Since she's gotten into this "way of life" (insanity), we've started visiting the local Whole Foods Market, which sells wheat and fiber; wheat, tofu and fiber; wheat and soy; wheat, fiber and soy; wheat, fiber, tofu and soy; soy, fiber, tofu and soy; soy, wheat, soy, soy, fiber and soy; soy, tofu, soy, soy, soy, fiber, soy, tomato and soy; soy, soy, soy, wheat and soy; soy, soy, soy, soy, soy, soy, baked beans, soy, soy, soy and soy.

When we hit the antique food aisle (you know, expensive, authentic junk food), I found King Lager, a product of Australia, and certainly something of which our Australian friends cannot be too proud. Of course, I did not know that then, so I bought a six pack of it. I figured, of course, since it was in a health food store, it must be good for me.

I should have known you cannot brew granola.

Now, I have been known to enjoy some darker, heavier beers (Guinness Draught, London Porter, and some others), but this King Lager is like drinking wheat soup.

Sorry, guys, I have not slipped into the home brewing hell, so when the texture varies between sips, I have to wonder about the sanitary conditions of the brewery. Do the organic and natural designation cut-off point come before or after Louis Pasteur? Is that prime Australian hopps, or could it be wallaby tail?

On the bright side, my bones are stonger and I have a nice, shiny coat on my head (what remains).

Regardless, I am sticking to Guinness Draught. There are no snakes in Ireland!

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:39 PM   0 comments
 
Quotes for the Day

As one of the finishing touches of preparing my home office, I am replacing the little scrips of paper and index cards with inspirational quotes upon them to their rightful positions around my desk. For lack of a better topic this afternoon, I shall publish the quotes here, so you can be inspired, too, perhaps even to "ride a century," which contrary to what it sounds, is not sitting in the passenger seat of a Buick on a beer run.

    "Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare current." (Those who cross an ocean change their sky, but not their soul.)
    Horace

    "It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out where the strong man stumbled, or where a doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, and who comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause. The man who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, fails while daring greatly, so that his place will never be with those cold timid souls who never knew victory or defeat."
    Teddy Roosevelt (thanks to dropbears.com for the cut-and-paste opportunity

    "Fortune knows
    We scorn her most when most she offers blows
    William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra Act III, Scene XI

    Power is only Pain--
    Stranded, thro' Discipline
    Emily Dickinson, "252"

    "love to wyde y-blowe
    Yelt bittre fruyt, though swete seed be sowe." (Love too widely blown yields bitter fruit, though sweet seed was sown)
    Geoffrey Chaucer, Troilus and Criseyde (384-385)

    "An error made on your own is safer than ten truths accepted on faith."
    Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

    "Unlucky the hero born
    In this province of the stuck record"
    Syliva Plath, "The Times Are Tidy"
My goodness, I feel inspired and motivated to get up out of this chair and go get another beer!

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:23 PM   0 comments
Friday, June 27, 2003
 
Now, For the Irony of Flood Plain Development

The formerly blue-haired guy links to a story about how our illustrious leaders in the varied municipalities in the St. Louis area are rushing to build megavelopments on areas that were under ten feet of water ten years ago this month.

I've shopped at the Sam's Club out in Atlantis Valley myself, so I cannot claim too much superiority.

However, the farmers out there have every right to sell to stoopid developers who would buy that land, and I cannot blame those farmers. After all, if they didn't sell, the municipality of Atlantis Valley would eminent domain the land anyway, since St. Louis area municipalities think that it's perfectly acceptable to strip a person of his or her property rights if the municipality could get buckets of sales tax from the eventual beneficiaries of the confiscation. Buit that's another of my stock rants.

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Atlantis Valley will probably spend its newly-minted tax revenues on amenities for its remaining residents (both of the families whose houses were not in the way of Progress).

Amenities like water parks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:01 PM   0 comments
 
Vacation Ideas

Business 2.0 lists some interesting industrialist and capitalist tours available.

The piece lists some cool factories that offer public tours, but don't expect free samples like you get in brewery tours from companies like Boeing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:47 PM   0 comments
 
Poor Form, Peter

Slate today featured a round-up of previous stories about Strom Thurmond, who died last night.

The link that led to this index page off of the Slate home page read Good Riddance to Strom:



Poor form, fellows. I would say "I hope the writers of your obituary show greater respect whether they agree with your principles and politics." I would say that, but I am not that high-minded. I hope someone urinates on your grave, or worse, that no one notices you're not around anymore.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:26 PM   0 comments
 
I Am A Prime Mover In The Blogomockracy

Tim Blair is crediting me with the idea of the Jake Ryan Beer Fund.

I had no idea I was so influential.

I'm also a contributor, too, so I recommend you stop by Tim's site, see what the fund's about, and contribute.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:38 AM   0 comments
Thursday, June 26, 2003
 
Making the Personal Songs Political

On Tuesday, over on Politiblog, Jared M. enumerated the ways Fred "Wimp Biscuit" Durst (whose personal site is not ihatefreddurst.com as you might expect) and Johnny "Boy Named Goo" Rzeznik schnucked up the Pink Floyd classic "Wish You Were Here" (scroll down--I linked to the lyrics for the whole album Wish You Were Here so you could get the feel for the whole album) for a tribute concert of some sort.

Here's what I said in the comments for the post on Politblog:
    The easiest way to wreck a good Pink Floyd song, or any song, is to make the personal political.

    The best Pink Floyd songs conveyed personal experience. Think Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here (which, of course, contains "Wish You Were Here", and The Wall.

    Other, more self-consciously Save-The-World-By-Espousing-My-Whack-Job-Ideology work, notably The Final Cut, didn't resonate because those works preached.

    You can follow the trend in Roger Waters' own work, where The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking tells a personal story of love loss and redemption, but Radio KAOS is some unlistenable parable and Amused to Death explains why the West, particularly America and Great Britain, are militaristic punks (don't get me started on the contradictions in its messages).

    David Gilmour, on the other hand, has his moments of protest, but his solo work and his Momentary Lapse of Reason and beyond Pink Floyd show that he knows that people connect best to personal messages within the music, not politics and preaching, and especially not hectoring.

    So Durst and Goo have shown their tone-deafness to the reason "Wish You Were Here" resonated with listeners in the first place: it was a song from a narrator to a friend, not a manifesto.

    Their update pays homage to a recognized and revered old song, but they've entirely missed why it's recognized and reverered. They've tried to ride the coattails of the song, and the song just shrugged the jacket off, leaving them standing there with neither recognition nor reverence.
I just wanted to repost it here because:
  1. It's a long post, almost an essay.
  2. I am too lazy to write essays on my own site tonight.
  3. I figured some of my fans (one or two of the three or four) might have listened to Pink Floyd once or twice.
Consider it a manifesto to songwriters and poets everywhere. Get your message across by singing individual experiences to individuals, not by thumping your bleedin-heart-containin' chest.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:39 PM   0 comments
 
New Streams of Revenue

The New York Daily News rounds up the ways that New York's finest are enforcing all the laws on the books and citing everything to make up for the city's revenue shortfall through fines.

My favorite: The driver who got into a car accident and then got a ticket for having a broken headlight three days in a row. The law in question states:
    The law says it is illegal to operate, drive or park a vehicle not equipped with headlamps that are in good working conditions.
You cannot drive it. You cannot park it. The only answer is to destroy the car immediately when a headlight goes out. I would expect that sort of law in Detroit, not New York.

Sharpen your outrage, friends. I know this is confined to New York now, but rest assured your municipal officials are watching and learning. Soon, you'll be paying for the upkeep of water parks and other flotsam from rich revenues with fines for grass that's too tall for your particular suburb.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:14 PM   0 comments
 
How Cute!

To highlight the fact that St. Louis now features several consecutive blocks of buildings in its downtown that are not crumbling, it's throwing a "Summerfest" on Washington Avenue. How cute!

That's not a summerfest. This is a Summerfest.

(signed)

The Milwaukee Chauvinist Club.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:11 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
 
Now They've Gone Too Far

Editorial in today's Washington Post shows exactly how bad things have gotten in Pakistan:
    Over the past few years, extremist Islamic groups in Pakistan have mounted a unilateral terror campaign. But Americans and Christians have not been the only victims. Women, secular advocates and even Muslims -- Ahmadis, dissenting Sunni Muslims and Shiite Muslims -- have also come under attack. [Emphasis mine.]
Oh, my. So it's not just Americans and Christians dying, which is okay; now it's other minority groups, which is somehow worse than just Americans and Christians.

Now that protected groups are getting it, perhaps we should start protecting them. Am I reading this op-ed piece right?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 AM   0 comments
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
 
Buy the Guy a Beer

A survivor of the Bali terrorist bombing recently expressed the sentiments we all share when the admitted terrorist shouted "Allah Ackbar!" in the courtroom.

Jake Ryan, a survivor of the bombing who had bone shrapnel of other victims removed from his body, arose and loudly explained:
    "You're a f . . king dog, mate, you are going to die, you f . . k."
Tim Blair has started a fund to buy Mr. Ryan some beer to toast his eloquence. I have contributed. You should, too.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:19 PM   0 comments
 
Il Dick

So Representative Gephardt, in his Look at me! campaign for the Democrat nomination for president, briefly made his voice heard above the dim din of the other candidates by saying:
    "When I'm president, we'll do executive orders to overcome any wrong thing the Supreme Court does tomorrow or any other day," Gephardt said.
Rachel Lucas was the first to go off on him, followed later by Professor Volokh, Andrew Sullivan, Professor Reynolds, and even ScrappleFace, leading to the normal blogomockratic firestorm.

Okay, so Il Dick would knock out at least one competing branch of government if he were elected president. I have good news, though, he won't! He's such a longshot candidate that he's firing all of his guns at once and imploding in his space, or something along those lines.

Unlike Ms. Lucas, Prof. Volokh, Mr. Sullivan, Prof. Reynolds, and Mr. Face, I have had the privilege of voting against Dick Gephardt. When I lived in Attempted Casinoport, Missouri, that unincorporated area known colloquially as "Lemay," I was in his district. Every two years, I got to vote for whatever Don QuiGOP candidate tilted at the Speaker of the House. The best protest votes I ever cast.

But I digress. When prompted to explain the statement by ABC's The Note, Gephardt's office said:
    We asked the Gephardt campaign for a response. "The fact that this question comes from libertarian law professors should speak for itself," spokesman Erik Smith wrote in an e-mail. "Dick Gephardt knows the law. The president can not overturn a Supreme Court decision. That's not what he said. He was simply expressing his commitment to diversity and his willingness to use the tools of his office to promote affirmative action programs to the fullest extent possible. It's important to remember that Harry Truman used an executive order to integrate the military." [Emphasis mine]
So the response is that libertarians are whack jobs! Ad homenim! Of course, they'd hate to practice the politics of personal destruction, but since some people have begun taking the representative at his word, there will be hell to pay!

Fortunately, Dick Gephardt will return to citizen life soon, and by "citizen life" I mean "highly paid lobbyist life."

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:49 PM   0 comments
 
Okay, Hijinks Now A Felony

Back in May, I wrote about a young man here in Missouri who got caught videotaping the girls locker room. Lucky thing for him, he didn't do it in New York, where Gov Pattycakes just signed a law making video voyeurism a felony.

Not only that, but if you record a someone unclothed in a bedroom against her (let's be honest, it's always gonna be a her) will, you get added to the state's registry of sex offenders as though you were a serial molester of Webelos.

Ask me sometime and I will go on at length about the legislative insanity that assigns felony to minor offenses that cause no physical harm or threat. It's easy to do something! about a perceived problem by getting tough, but it's another thing entirely to continue to warehouse non-violent offenders for years on end.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:12 PM   0 comments
Monday, June 23, 2003
 
Five Out of Five Cats Agree

Researchers once again provide a handy rationalization for me: napping is good for you.

My crack feline team, particularly Dominique and Aurora, has often acted as an experiment group by sleeping upon my lap as I spend an hour in the afternoon reclined and, er, working on my astral projection abilities. Typically, I close my eyes and project myself an hour into the future, refreshed and ready for a night of chores or blogging.

Now that napping, too, has proven good for me, I am proud to add it to my daily regimen of healthy vices. Two cups of coffee, two drinks of alcohol, and a nap, and I will live forever.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:11 PM   0 comments
 
How Many Can You Name?

According to a recent survey (alluded to by Fark), two thirds of Americans cannot name a single Supreme Court Justice.

I could, off the top of my head (and without using the Internet) could name 6: Rehnquist, O'Connor, Ginsberg, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas. Smarter-than-thou colleague Adam could name seven, but he missed Stevens and Kennedy. Neener neener neener!

Which reminded me of a set of questions with which I would strike out at coworkers and associates back when I was a young man. The one that particularly flummoxed fellow English majors who attended the same Jesuit university I did was Name six morals.. Crikey, the biblical book of Exodus quite famously contains ten. I wasn't even asking for moral to which the answerer adhered. Just give me six. Many could not.

The other great fun one was "When was the Civil War fought?" Ikes, the years I received as an answer. 1910 was the best (worse) answer I got. Seven years before World War I. Of course, the respondent wouldn't have known that, either.

Undoubtedly you, gentle blog reader, are better steeped in civics than printers (those who run printing presses), so I expect you could name at least six Supreme Court Justices (because this very entry names seven). However, feel free to challenge your pub mates, and to name their senators and congressional representative, as well as governor, state assembly rep, state senator, mayor, and alderman.

Perhaps if we can shame them through pub bets it will increase their civics knowledge. Or at least get us free delicious Guinness Draughts when we win the bet.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:08 PM   0 comments
 
V: The Next Generation

Mapchic likes V and V: The Final Battle.

This news, about a new movie that carries on where the others, and presumably V: The Series, left off, should cheer her.

Robert Englund recently said that he'd be remembered forever as Freddy, but we'll always remember you as Willie, the vegetarian visitor, Robert. You're a geek icon.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:51 PM   0 comments
 
Fame, Fortune, and Chicks with Geek Speak

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is reprinting a Knight Ridder Newspapers syndication about how to enter the IT world by learning a little geek speak.

Words like PEBKAC? Nagware? OS? LAN? Intranet? Firewall?

Drop those in your job interview, you little punk, and we'll know your certs were vaporware. Get back to AOL where it's safe. Before you do, please confirm your credit card number below.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:37 PM   0 comments
 
Norquist Bows Out of Milwaukee

He might have been a Democrat. He worked a little too closely with a female member of his staff. But Mayor John Norquist did wonders for the city of Milwaukee, singlehandedly revitalizing the downtown with his New Urbanist zeal. His time in office is ending.

I remember Milwaukee being pretty dead downtown when I started college in 1990, about two years into his first term as mayor. Now, when I go back, people live downtown, and not just the homeless. The city's nightlife has spread southward from the East Side so that nightclubs are open in the heart of downtown. Condos are going up by the lake. Apartment complexes have sprouted on Wisconsin Avenue. And there are people.

Kind of a shame that St. Louis, a city whose metropolitan area boasts a larger population than Milwaukee, continues its corrupt morass and stunted revitalization efforts. If Norquist wanted to come down and run for mayor of St. Louis, I'd vote for him.

What, you say, but Brian J., you live in Casinoport. How can you vote for the mayor of St. Louis?

Well, being a living, breathing resident of St. Louis is not exactly required to vote in St. Louis.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM   0 comments
 
Kaplan Weighs In With His Aeronautics Experience

Fred Kaplan, of Slate, elucidates on the MDA's recent missile test. He says it's laughable that the interceptor could have missed and the test succeeded. His ignorance shows, but professional writers, and by professional writers I mean "all other professional writers except me," don't have to know much about the real world to pund.

I've gone on about this missile test before, and I am too bored to go over it again. I'll let John J. Miller handle Kaplan.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:24 PM   0 comments
 
Florida Law Enforcement Officials Punish Preventive Detention

Less than a week after a Florida boy is killed by an alligator, a Florida man is fined for possession of an alligator because he lassoed it and detained it as it approached a woman and two small children.

The guy, who was driving, stopped and lassoed the reptile as it approached the potential victims. He then dragged it away from the wimmen and chillen and waited for the authorities to show up. When they did, they promptly wrote him a citation, made him cut the rope, and then called a trapper to come catch the animal.

Jeb, what is going on in your state?

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:02 AM   0 comments
Sunday, June 22, 2003
 
Jewel and Firearms

Since I know I am The Formerly Blue Haired Guy's source for Jewel information, I must point him to a revealing admission about her affinity for the long guns on Instapundit.

Easy, honey! I am doing it for Hans!

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:06 PM   0 comments
 
Stop That Racoon!

Quick! Someone stop that racoon, it's stolen Cyndi Lauper's song "I Drove All Night"!

Wait a minute! That's not a racoon! It's Celine Dion in her Vegas eye makeup!

Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that song belongs to Cyndi Lauper.

Put down the song, Celine, and raise your five-octave voice out of the range of human hearing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:02 PM   0 comments
To say Noggle, one first must be able to say the "Nah."