Musings from Brian J. Noggle: July 2003

On July 11, 2003, RooNet Became Self-Aware, Briefly

According to this story. which I originally saw on Drudge, a person, whose profession apparently is holidaymaker which would seem to indicate he designs and manufactures holidays, slew a giant kangaroo with an axe after it attacked several people.

Dang those Australians for taking care of business in a straightforward manner. Here in America, where animal life is more sacred than human life (Thanks, PETA!), we have certain rules for dealing with disenfranchised, oppressed kangaroos.

I provide them for your reference, so you level-headed, take-charge Australians (such as Mr. Blair) can better handle the situation in the future:

Either remain silent or make a lot of noise. Certainly one of these will prevent a giant kangaroo from ripping off your head and lying its unholy eggs in your torso.
Do not resist a giant kangaroo; do what it asks and follow the instructions it gives you. Unless it asks you to remove your own head.
If you feel a giant kangaroo is following or watching you, go into a populated location and tell everyone that a giant kangaroo is following you and ask them to call the police. They will be glad to!
Do not get into a car with a giant kangaroo; if it takes you somewhere, you won't come back.
Always acknowledge a giant kangaroo that knocks at the door or rings the bell. You don't have to open the door, but you should always let it know you are home.
Stop! Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Australian.
If walking in a giant kangaroo-infested area, carry your valuables in two pouches. This confuses a kangaroo, who only has a single pouch.
Make a conscious effort to get an accurate description of the giant kangaroo that attacks you so you can pick it out of a police hop-up.
If a giant kangaroo beats the living vinegar out of you, as degrading as it may be, preserve the evidence. Do not alter the crime scene in any way. Don't shower, bathe, douche, floss, apply direct pressure to the open, oozing wounds, cut off limbs for style reasons, or swim in tar pits. Do not change clothes or hair styles. Ask a trusted friend (that is, one who won't laugh at you for getting beaten by a giant kangaroo) to accompany you to the hospital for initial treatment and for the administration of a medical exam to preserve DNA evidence and to document injuries. The examination and evidence preservation often seems as emotionally difficult as the giant kangaroo attack itself, yet it is essential to the apprehension of the damn, dirty marsupial that attacked you. The police department typically covers the cost of the examination if done in furtherance of the investigation.
Always report a giant kangaroo attack to the nearest American Consulate, even if you're in the United States at the time and the nearest consulate is in Ottawa, Mexico City, or Irkutsk.
If you must axe a kangaroo, axe it in the leg so we can take it in for questioning.

Following one or more of these rules will prevent any harm from coming to the giant kangaroo, the goal of American Animal Friendly policy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:38 PM 0 comments

I'm Not Very Good At This Game

I have been playing the early, buggy version of Real Life, and I cannot seem to level up.

(As seen on /.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:34 PM 0 comments

Yes, But Can They Teach A Straight Guy To Dance?

CNN's talking about a new Bravo show called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in which a team of stylish gay men offer a makeover to a stylistically-challenged straight man (which is almost, but not always, a tautology).

Sounds like a good idea to me. But can they teach him to dance? If so, perhaps I should sign up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:33 PM 0 comments

Galt's Speech, It Ain't

Although I might be the last blogger to link to it, Bill Whittle's essay "Trinity" describes the three principles that make America great.

It's long, but it's not Galt's Speech long.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:18 PM 0 comments

On July 11, 2003, SkyNet Became Self-Aware

In the United Kingdom, an airship with a computerized brain has escaped and taken off into the blue.

Sure, its computer is only designed to help the giant balloon avoid obstacles, but that's what it wants us to think!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:51 PM 0 comments

Today's Compare/Contrast Paper Assignment

Okay, class, today I want you to write a compare/contrast paper where you describe the similarities and differences between the following statements and value judgments:

Spraying the departing White House press secretary with a fire hose: Funny!

Throwing a water balloon near Speaker of the House: Felony!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:23 PM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Don't act like a piñata unless you want to take some whacks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:13 PM 0 comments

And Is A Photo With a Birth Announcement Now a Civil Right?

I just can't stop getting riled over this item about the baby with the birth defects and its litiguous parents. As you remember, this baby died from its severe and disfiguring birth defects and its parents began a crusade to force a newspaper to print its picture with the birth announcement. These parents also filed civil rights complaints against the news paper.

Civil rights complaints? Getting your picture with your birth announcement is a CIVIL RIGHT now?

I imagine they framed this in some sort of discrimination against disabilities legalese. However, the exclusion of the photograph isn't discrimination against the child, who is dead anyway (although its estate and legacy might turn out to be more than my annual salary). It's editorial discretion.

Can I file a civil rights claim because I don't get to grace the cover of Esquire or the centerfold of Playboy (those sexist schnucks are discriminating based on my gender!)?

I would hope whatever authorities see these complaints dismiss them easily, but common sense is proving harder and harder.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:09 PM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Paranoia is never unjustified, only yet unproven as true.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:02 PM 0 comments

Rage Is Much Easier Than Grief

When your child is born with extreme, visible birth defects from which it dies from in five days, people expect you to grieve. I can sympathize.

Whereas you might want the child's birth announcement for your scrapbook, that's okay too. However, I also understand when the newspaper might balk at running a photograph of the child, especially a newborn with extreme facial birth defects. In normal circumstances, people might accuse the paper of sensationalism or insensitivity for running a photo like that.

I do not have any sympathy, however, for throwing a civil fit because the paper balked.

A couple of parents in St. Louis are doing just that. The mother, in between filing civil complaints against the publisher of the Suburban Journals, offered this bit of vocabularial ignorance:

"He ... used the word 'disfigured,'" Kelly Kittinger said. "He needs sensitivity training if he's going to be dealing with the public." Let's go to the dictionary:

dis·fig·ure

tr.v. dis·fig·ured, dis·fig·ur·ing, dis·fig·ures

These particular birth defects ("Perjorative!" the PC banshees will soon wail) marred the appearance of the baby. Disfigured is an accurate description, and I'm certainly not in favor of sensitivity training that destroys accuracy to sooth inflamed feelings of an allegedly grieving mother.

However, this mother is subverting grief into "righteous" rage at the indignities afllicted upon her lost child by lashing out. Perhaps something good will then come of the child's short life. Increased "sensitivity" and maybe a little settled-out-of-court jackpot for the ~~grieving~~ raging parents.

Also, kudos to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for its continuing coverage of this important breaking story and for showing its compassion for the "little people" by elevating trivial slights into crusades while humping the legs of big corporate interests in St. Louis (publicly funded stadiums, anyone?). An earlier story this week described the birth defects and their disfiguring nature. The linked story does not. By Sunday's paper, perhaps you, oh monopolithic dispenser of wisdom, will have forgotten why the Suburban Journal balked at displaying the picture at all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:49 PM 1 comments

A Gentle Reminder

Remember, dear reader, the number 1 hit song from C+C Music Factory was not entitled "Everybody Dance Now" even though that's what "Zelma Davis" shouted several times during the song, between Freedom Williams' rapping. The correct title for this song is "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Please remember to request it by its full name the next time you're in a honky tonk.

Tidbit: The reason I enclosed Zelma's name in scare quotes is because VH1.com asserts that she merely lip synched vocals performed by others. Talk about a thing that makes you go hmmmm.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:59 PM 0 comments

Reader Survey Response for Speakeasy Magazine

As some of you know, I fancy myself a "Writer" who dabbles in fiction but also keeps his or her, sorry, Proper Writer Ettiquette sneaking in, MY eyes on more literary fiction, just in case I write a short story in which no crimes occur, no swords are swung, and nobody disappears into a quantum universe. Market research, don't cha know?

So anyways, I picked up a copy of Speakeasy, a writers' musing kind of magazine which contains a bunch of personal essays typically grouped around a theme by professorial writers. I liked it well enough to subscribe, so now I get this magazine delivered every week. Of course, since I was once voted by the Marquette University English Deparment staff as the Most Likely Not To Return To the University (I think I was the only one in the program, and certainly I seem to hold that distinction), I'm not a typical subscriber.

In fact, I work for a living. Well, I write software documentation, and it's true you can put an analogy on the SAT that says Work:Technical Writing::Play: and make the correct answer b.) Napping. I spend 40 hours a week, 49 weeks a year, turning the great Corporate Millstone. Oh, and I vote Republican. So I'm not exactly a typical Speakeasy subscriber.

So I was ever so pleased to read my May/June 2003 "Speak Out! Voicing Dissent: A Special Section On Writing and Politics" issue. Not only does it amuse me to read the prognostications and pre-emptive outrage for the coming war with Iraq that these sorts of magazines provide (read any Harper's from the winter and spring for fun), but it included the Speakeasy Reader Survey.

I have such a blast shattering stereotypes of typical readership that I had to respond:

How do you get Speakeasy?	X I subscribe _ At the newstand or bookstore _ Borrow from a friend _ At the dentist's or doctor's office _ I'm a Loft member
How do you read Speakeasy?	_ From cover to cover _ I'll finish reasing most of the issue before the next arrives X I might read a few articles that catch my eye
What do you do with your copy of Speakeasy?	_ So far, I have been saving them _ I pass it on to ____ (this # of) friends X It goes out with the recycling
Are you.....	_ A writer _ A reader X A writer who reads _ A reader who writes
If you consider yourself a writer, what do you like to write?	Genre fiction, essays, user's guides
Where do you write (in a café, at home, in the garage...)?	In a home office
Has your work been published?	X Yes _ No
As a reader or writer, what do you value most in Speakeasy? Why do you read Speakeasy?	I enjoy the brief, lightweight musings.
Which of the following actions has Speakeasy inspired? [I assumed they meant in me]	_ I bought a book reviewed or advertised in the magazine _ I developed a colossal case of writer's block _ I read more by a consulting author _ I brought a Speakeasy theme into my writing or discussion
What types of books do you like to read (poetry, mysteries, fiction, cookbooks...)?	Mysteries, science fiction, fantasy, nonfiction
Where do you typically get your books?	_ Library _ Borrow from friends X Purchase
Where do you purchase most of your books?	_ Chain Bookstores _ Independent, local bookstores _ The Internet _ Catalogs X Garage Sales
How many books (of all types) did you buy last year?	_ Less than 5 [sic] _ 5 to 9 _ 10 to 14 _ 15 to 19 X 20 or more
What else do you like to shop for?	_ Clothes - I'm a fashion maven _ Music - I love (circle): Rock and roll Jazz Classical Other: _______________ _ Furniture, housewares - my home is my castle _ Anything, but only on the Internet _ The parking lots? The crowds? I'd rather read _ Other __________________
Where do you buy most of your food?	X Supermarket _ Farmer's market _ Co-op _ Health food or specialty store _ Other ____________________
What is the ideal beverage to accompany your reading or writing?	_ Hot cocoa _ Orange juice X Beer _ Wine _ A good martini or two _ Coffee _ Other _____________
While writing or reading, do you like listening to music?	X Yes _ No
What kind of music?	Jazz
What other magazines do you read regularly?	_ Poets & Writers _ Utne _ The Sun _ Outside _ The New Yorker _ Bon Appetit _ Rolling Stone X Other The Atlantic Monthly, Harper's, Family Handyman, Handy, St. Louis Homes, Intercom, Technical Communicator, America's 1st Freedom, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Spin, Esquire, FHM, Writer's Digest, The Writer [I had to include an attachment to list these, which represent only my current active subscriptions.]
In the last year, how many times did you attend the following cultural events?	Live music? _1_ Live theater? _0_ Art gallery or museum? _1_ Movies? _10_ Publication reading? _0_ Spoken word event? _0_ Book group? _0_ Writers' group? _0_ Environmental group? _0_ Political forum? _0_ Political demonstration? _0_ Other _0_ [Heck, I didn't even go to that many hockey games this year.]
Have you ever written a letter to the editor of your favorite newspaper or magazine?	_ Yes X No [Of course, my current favorite magazine is The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. You don't write too many responsive letters of outrage to genre digest magazines. It has, however, rejected my short fiction submissions.]
What kind of television do you watch?	_ Only the news _ Cooking shows - as many as possible _ I indulge in the occasional sitcom or dram--a good story is a good story _ Sports X TV? I never touch the stuff, give me books! [Apparently, this question refers to what type of television content* you watch, not what kind of television upon which you watch it. We use a 25" Sharp.]*
What is your favorite literary moment involving a car?	None [Who can name any* literary moment involving a car?]*
What kind of car do you imagine yourself driving?	_ Honda sedan _ BMW convertible _ SUV _ Hybrid vehicle X Vintage muscle car _ Why drive? I own a bicycle [I doubt by "hybrid vehicle" they mean like a DUKW, but that would be a cool vehicle to have. Of course, by "Vintage Muscle Car, I mean a 1984 Ford Mustang GT with a 5.0 liter engine.]
What kind of car do you actually drive?	GMC Sonoma pick-up
What's your favorite travel activity?	_ Theme parks _ Cruises _ Hiking/biking _ Ecotourism _ Gambling X Activity? I prefer to lie on the beach [or sit in a coffeeshop] with a book
Where have you traveled in the past year?	X The continental United States _ Canada _ Alaska, Hawaii, or the Caribbean _ Central or Latin America _ Europe _ Asia _ Africa _ Other ____ [Nobody tell Tim Blair that Australia doesn't get its own check box, the same as Antarctica.]
How do you make travel plans?	_ I've had the same travel agent for years X Internet, Internet, Internet _ Plans? I point wes (east, south, north) and drive [Better answer for me: Say "Okay" to beautiful wife.]
Age	31
Gender	X M _ F
Education	X High school _ Technical school X Some college X Undergraduate degree _ Advanced degree [An undergraduate degree in philosophy leads one to recognize that an undergraduate degree or an advanced degree would require some college as a prerequisite.]
Occupation	_ Professional X Technical _ Business owner _ Educator or academic X Writer, artist, or other creative field _ Self-employed [I wanted to check "academic," too, since no one really reads the friendly manuals so my job is largely academic, but I doubt that's what they meant.]
Household Size	_ 1 adult X 2+ adults _0_ Number of children
Annual household income	_ Up to $30K _ $30K to $40K _ $40K to $50K _ $50K to $75K _ $75K to $100K _ $100K to $250K _ More than $250K [It says check one, but what do you do if you make $30K a year? There are two check boxes! Note that I have not filled this out for you, dear readers, because as my maternal grandfather, Grampa Naperschevski, used to say, "Do not reveal sensitive financial information on the Internet."]
City of residence	Maryland Heights
State of residence	Missouri

All right, it's not the Political Compass quiz, but it's something, and I don't doubt I fit into the minority of subscribers who voted for Bush for president and will do so again.

I've subscribed to slicks every since I was a lonely conservative voice in Writing Intensive English program at college, when I spent twenty bucks on Harper's instead of, well, textbooks. I hope that my answers to surveys like these remind the editors that a variety of viewpoints consume their material, and to remember that pick-up driving people in the reddest part of the red states can be thoughtful, inquisitive, and appreciative of good prose.

But it's too easy for me to think that if the magazines do notice the low numbers who responded atypically don't matter, or were merely shining them on.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:48 PM 0 comments

Checks and Balances and Who Needs a Constitution Anyway?

Nevada Supreme Court overrules Nevada Constitution.

(Pointer from InstaPundit.)

The End.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:17 AM 0 comments

Support the Biking Wife

As some of you know, my beautiful wife has a bike now, a biking team of which she is a part, and an urge to ride 150 miles in two days to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

I urge you to visit her personal MS 150 page and sponsor her for a couple of dollars.

The more you all sponsor her, the less we have to dip into beer money to meet her goal.

Thank you, that is all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:05 PM 0 comments

Bang The Dustbin Lid Slowly

Bono, one of the idle and bored rich, is looking forward to a campaign of civil disobedience until all national debt in the world is forgiven. Well, all national debt for the selected countries who have trouble paying their bills now.

Bono has not announced his plans for the period when welfare states in Europe and the rest of the Western world bankrupt themselves from coddling the impoverished everywhere, but he is expected to unveil a double standard whereby those nations should be held accountable for their debts.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:10 AM 0 comments

Fun With Statistics

Meanwhile, back in the Chicago Tribune, Steve Chapman comments (registration required) on President Bush's trip to Africa and wonders whether we're helping or hindering Africa's case with monetary aid. Good question. Unfortunately, he includes this interesting factoid:

This week, he became only the third U.S. president to visit Africa in the last 25 years. By my dead reckoning, since 1978 we have had only 5 presidents (Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush) serve, and of those 5, only 3 have served their complete terms. At very worst, of our last five presidents, 60% have gone to Africa. I'm not certain 60% merits an only.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:06 AM 0 comments

Send an Unsolicited E-Mail, Go To Jail!

CNN reports on the latest Congressional Zero-Intolergence law, which will throw spammers in jail for up to two years for a non-violent offense. That's right. Send an unsolicited e-mail to someone, go to JAIL! I'll have to watch my step when it's time to send out next year's Atari Party invitations.

The story says:

How many spammers have been identified and penalized civilly? Not many, but hey, if you're going to fire aimlessly and not hit anything, it's best to have a full quiver of punishment arrows so you can just keep firing.
"law enforcement officials"? But Jerry Kilgore is an elected politician, undoubtedly only stopping by the Attorney General's office on his way to bigger and better elected offices.

Undoubtedly, unsolicited e-mail is annoying, but it's a stupid target for legislation and law enforcement with the current state of deficits and the continued existence of violent crime which, you know, actually hurts people.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:29 AM 0 comments

My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:

Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

Shape

By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don't appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:09 AM 0 comments

Drugs Destroy Individuals; the Drug War Destroys Neighborhoods

An op-ed piece in the Washington Post, written by a former police officer, argues that as long as drugs are prohibited, neighborhoods will be torn up and will occasionally riot against police.

He's right, of course, but we're a long way from any repeals at this point, I fear.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:51 AM 0 comments

Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies, STOP!

It's true, honey. In 1984, a guy playing the television game show Press Your Luck won over $100,000 in an hour by memorizing where the Whammies displayed on the game board. If you don't believe your esteemed spouse, check out the Snopes page that tells the whole story.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:45 PM 0 comments

IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report's entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn't capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:22 PM 0 comments

Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:

The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes. The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn't seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, "Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we'll take care of you."

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:01 PM 0 comments

Dang That Warmonger Bush!

CNN reports: Last ship in Mars-bound armada begins risky trip.

Couldn't that warmonger keep his ambitions planetary? No! Instead, he and the martial NASA send an armada, literally a fleet of warships, to Mars to conquer another undefended desert!

For certainly, the CNN headline writer was conscious of the ramifications of the word he, she, or it chose, right?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM 0 comments

Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it's too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

"By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines," the FTC said in its report. It's all for the betterment of the consumer, and it's at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It's oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:51 PM 0 comments

More Synergy from Jewel

As I noted in a previous post, Jewel's new album let me down. However, the Ad Report Card column at Slate has recognized that she's a marketing boon even as she decries marketing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Wanted For My Collection

I have an Arkanoid, I have a Heavy Barrel, I have a Thunderblade, and I even have a Trivia Whiz IV, but I do not yet have a Blogger.

But I want one!

(Tim Blair pointed me to it.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:27 PM 0 comments

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His 'n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you're finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it's in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we're not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:18 AM 0 comments

Coastal Marketing Types Can't Be Wrong!

Looky here, according to iWon, network executives have realized that current television speaks mostly to the cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types, that there are people with televisions in the hinterlands of America, and that The America Channel will attract Joe Working Man.

They say:

I wouldn't be so cynical if the channel were based in Chicago, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Des Moines, Lincoln, Wichita, or any of the other cities, yes, cities in the middle of America. However, this story's dateline is Los Angeles, so I can only assume it's going to be twenty-four hours, seven days a week of what cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types think life is like in the rest of the country.

Sorry, bud, you have no road cred.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:45 PM 0 comments

Someone Start a James Lileks Beer Fund, Stat!

In today's The Bleat, James Lileks admits:

I cut out beer

Lileks is too proud to admit it, but he might have cut out beer because Mrs. Lileks has lost her job, and good beer, such as Guinness Draught, costs almost an hour's worth of "living wage" per six pack. Although a "Work Ten Minutes, Get A Beer" salary program sounds good to me, come to think of it.

Quick, someone set up a beer fund to help keep Mr. Lileks in the choicest of beers, and hurry, before he becomes emaciated.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Call Central Casting, NOW!

I know we had thought that in the movie of our lives, Lolita Davidovich would be perfect to play Heather, but after some persuasive arguments inadvertently provided by Kim du Toit, I heartily agree we should go with Angie Everhart.

By the way, Everhart, pistols or no pistols, rates A Good Deal Of That And Some Cheese Popcorn.

I, of course, could only be portrayed by Paul Bettany.

Who would be you?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:01 PM 0 comments

Heather's Innocence Exposed

So my beautiful wife Heather picked up a copy of The Healthy Planet: Your Source for Environmental, Health [sic] & Natural Living News as we were leaving her weekend hangout The Touring Cyclist. After a couple of minutes perusing its contents, my sweet light, unversed in the grim ways of politics and whack jobs, exclaims that the writers and editors of this publication are quite to the left of political center!

Isn't she cute?

Of course, she then challenged me why I stereotyped people who eat healthy and care about the animals as left wing whack jobs and people who eat meat and potatoes, sometimes at all three meals, as right wing whack jobs. I didn't really have a logical answer; most of my stereotyping relies on ancedotal evidence and statistical inference.

Aren't I cute?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

Erica Jong, Grown Up At Last?

Professor Reynolds links to this story by Erica Jong wherein Ms. Jong dispenses some advice for married people and their sex lives. Unlike her books, this article seems to present the idea of preserving a marriage.

I guess I shouldn't be so quick to generalize. I've only read How to Save Your Own Life (the sequel to Fear of Flying), and since I was not a neurotic, repressed adultress-waiting-to-happen, I didn't feel empowered by it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM 0 comments

Real or Memorex?

Over at the Volokh Conspiracy, conspirator Randy Barnett has an interesting musing on young tribute bands. He wonders, who really reflects the true nature of the songs: tribute bands who are the same age as the band they cover when that band was popular, or the Band, which by now contains replacement members and old men?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:23 PM 0 comments

Forget Freddy Versus Jason

If you want to get me into a movie theater to see a match between two tough guys, let's see:

Michael Ironside (V: The Final Battle, Total Recall, Starship Troopers)
Vs.
Tommy Lee Jones (Under Siege, The Fugitive, Men in Black)

It would be a tough call to determine who would survive or win such a head-to-head , but don't forget Tommy Lee Jones did radio ads for Albert Gore in 2000, whereas Michael Ironside once starred in a movie with Arnold Schwarzengovernor. Advantage: Ironside!

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM 0 comments

Independence Day Round-Up

Good morning, and happy Independence Day to you all. I won't say Happy Fourth of July because it's not the date stamp that's important today, it's that it's the day upon which our forefathers declared independence from a monarchy.

Some other bloggers have written some well thought-out tributes to the nation, so I'll link to them in lieu of writing my own.

Kim du Toit tells how the new European constitution differs from the United States', and how that's bad. Sure, the Consitution came several years later than the Declaration, but these two documents have worked hand in hand to ensure the United States endures.

(Off topic rhetorical question: Were the years between the Revolutionary War and the Constitution a quagmire?)
Kim du Toit also talks about coming to America as an immigrant. He chose to come here. Me, I was born here by sheer dumb luck.
Kim du Toit points to this year-old column by Eugene Volokh (of the Volokh Conspiracy) on National Review Online. Like du Toit, Volokh is an immigrant; his parents brought him to the United States when he was a young man. Volokh talks about his parents' courage in coming to a new land, unknown to a family from the USSR, but that their leap of faith paid off as we Americans could have guessed it would.
Jared Myers has a set of posts that include the President's message to the nation this morning and the Democrat Party's patholetic (pathologically pathetic) response. Start at the linked entry and read 'em all.
Emperor Misha (another naturalized citizen) has asked, Explain just WHY you feel that this nation is the freest nation in the world and just what it is that makes it so. Many of the loyal readers of the Anti-Idotarian Rottweiler have.

So breeze through these while you're having your morning coffee, but don't spend your whole day on it; instead, I insistyou celebrate the day, the country, and your families and friends.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:31 AM 0 comments

Stephen King Rules

The New York Post proves once again about how Stephen King is a good guy. Apparently, he bought out a show of 28 Days Later and gave the tickets to other people who wanted to see it.

Lileks mentions the story in a Bleat.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:09 PM 0 comments

TechDirt Saw It Too

A poster over at TechDirt also noticed that Business 2.0 is heck-bent upon losing Web readership (which I noted yesterday).

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:40 AM 0 comments

Attention, Generation X Worktime Slackers

Hey, for those of you struggling through the last day at work (Thursday) before the long holiday (Independence Day) weekend, don't forget to squander some time at ClassicGaming.com.

Personally, I am reading up on the Metroid database so I can communicate effectively with my esteemed spouse who has been communing with Samus Aran on her Super Nintendo recently.

By "reading up," boss, I want to clarify I meant "reading up last night, not during core work hours."

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:04 PM 0 comments

Ask a Stupid Question

Business 2.0 (who has helpfully decided sometime today to put much of its content behind a subscription, thanks, guys) has a brief (briefer now with everything but the lead hidden away, thanks, guys) piece on trick interview questions.

The article, and the lead (which you can yet see) describes them as "sadistic" and "puzzling" attempts to see how the interviewee fares with "sadistic" and "tricky" and potentially "unanswerable" questions, because obviously that's the nature of the corporate environment.

As a service to my readers, I have put together this handy list of answers you can use in case the sadistic HR nutbar whips this out (the technical interview guys would never entertain such a fad, right?):

Question: Why are manhole covers round?

Because the manholes are round. Question: Why are Coke cans tapered?

Bonus alternate answer:

Question: How would you weigh the world's fattest man without using a scale?

weigh

Bonus alternate answer:

Question: How many tennis balls are in the air in New Zealand right now?

none

Bonus alternate answer:

These answers will prove to your interviewer that you're decisive when it comes to selecting a plausible lie, which is only reinforcing the impression he or she has gotten from your resume and the interview this far.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:47 PM 0 comments

We Gave Up On Cable Too Early

I dropped off our digital cable box on Monday (and then dropped off, reluctantly, the remote Monday afternoon) after my beautiful wife and I determined the cost of "content" piped to a television most likely turned off exceeded our complete monthly electricity bill. We decided we could do without television and digital commercialless music. We might have thought too soon.

We made that rash decision before Rascall Flatts decided they would put nudity in their next video and before Country Music Television (CMT) decided they would play it.

If only I had known you could see naked people on cable television! Having the ability to see the human form--well, okay, the female form-- on cable television any time I want is worth $1100 a year!

(Thanks to Fark for the pointer.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:16 PM 0 comments

More Moderation! Same Low Price!

As soon as Kraft announced its plans to help fight obesity by cutting its portion sizes, I immediately knew the fat it was trying to cut was on its bottom line.

I'm not alone; as soon as I got to work and started streaming Weber and Dolan, Jay Weber lit into it. Other sources throughout the day, including blogs and radio personalities, quickly identified the move as designed to improve fiscal fitness more than physical fitness. Altruism? Not from Altria.

Instead of truly promoting the Aristotlean diet, moderation in all things--well, except in moderation, Kraft merely wants to spin and soak its for-profit maneuver in the "you attitude" that business writing professors everywhere encourage undergrads. Now, it's in a bind. Because everyone has seen through the gesture, Kraft might just have to lower prices for smaller portions (but the same size box!), or face a consumer revolt, unless we as consumers forg---

Hey, look! A shiny object!

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:25 PM 0 comments

Where's the Problem?

I think Democrat House Representative Jerry Kleczka, of Milwaukee, was trying to lash out against those tax-cutting Republicans in Congress when he kleczkavetched to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:

"There's a conscious decision here to just destroy the revenue base of this country," said Kleczka, a Milwaukee Democrat. "They're starving the Treasury." Starving the Treasury? Not spending money that the government does not have? Is this a problem or good governance?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:28 PM 0 comments

Sullivaning Forth

As you can see, I have redone my blog blue, blue, and more blue. All the more to emulate Andrew Sullivan.

As an added bonus to the new colors, we have server-side processing problems, which leads to things like throwing a posting under yesterday's dateline and occasionally throwing in a server-side tag. I'll get around to getting around those things one of these nights.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:58 PM 0 comments

Whitney Sings Norquist's Praises

Whitney Gould, the architectural critic of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, lauds the accomplishments of John Norquist, the soon-to-be-former mayor of Milwaukee.

In particular, she discusses the impact of Norquist's New Urbanist policies on the aesthetic value of the city of Milwaukee, and she identifies some of the mayoral influence on the building and architecture.

New Urbanism, or at least Norquism, have made Milwaukee look more fresh and vibrant than when he came into office. This New Urbanism seems to be a positive counterpart or corrolary of the Broken Window Theory of law enforcement. If any area looks inviting, active, and vibrant in its architecture and maintenance, people will want to come, work, and live there.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:24 AM 0 comments

Public Service Announcement Regarding Beer

As some of you know, my esteemed spouse has become something of a fitness/nutrition, er, expert (I was going to say "nut" but Heather has educated me that nuts contain a lot of fat, and she does not, so "expert" it is).

Since she's gotten into this "way of life" (insanity), we've started visiting the local Whole Foods Market, which sells wheat and fiber; wheat, tofu and fiber; wheat and soy; wheat, fiber and soy; wheat, fiber, tofu and soy; soy, fiber, tofu and soy; soy, wheat, soy, soy, fiber and soy; soy, tofu, soy, soy, soy, fiber, soy, tomato and soy; soy, soy, soy, wheat and soy; soy, soy, soy, soy, soy, soy, baked beans, soy, soy, soy and soy.

When we hit the antique food aisle (you know, expensive, authentic junk food), I found King Lager, a product of Australia, and certainly something of which our Australian friends cannot be too proud. Of course, I did not know that then, so I bought a six pack of it. I figured, of course, since it was in a health food store, it must be good for me.

I should have known you cannot brew granola.

Now, I have been known to enjoy some darker, heavier beers (Guinness Draught, London Porter, and some others), but this King Lager is like drinking wheat soup.

Sorry, guys, I have not slipped into the home brewing hell, so when the texture varies between sips, I have to wonder about the sanitary conditions of the brewery. Do the organic and natural designation cut-off point come before or after Louis Pasteur? Is that prime Australian hopps, or could it be wallaby tail?

On the bright side, my bones are stonger and I have a nice, shiny coat on my head (what remains).

Regardless, I am sticking to Guinness Draught. There are no snakes in Ireland!

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:39 PM 0 comments

Quotes for the Day

As one of the finishing touches of preparing my home office, I am replacing the little scrips of paper and index cards with inspirational quotes upon them to their rightful positions around my desk. For lack of a better topic this afternoon, I shall publish the quotes here, so you can be inspired, too, perhaps even to "ride a century," which contrary to what it sounds, is not sitting in the passenger seat of a Buick on a beer run.

"Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare current."

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out where the strong man stumbled, or where a doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, and who comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause. The man who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, fails while daring greatly, so that his place will never be with those cold timid souls who never knew victory or defeat."

dropbears.com

"Fortune knows
We scorn her most when most she offers blows

Antony and Cleopatra

Act III, Scene XI

Power is only Pain--
Stranded, thro' Discipline

252

"love to wyde y-blowe
Yelt bittre fruyt, though swete seed be sowe." (Love too widely blown yields bitter fruit, though sweet seed was sown)

Troilus and Criseyde

"An error made on your own is safer than ten truths accepted on faith."

Atlas Shrugged

"Unlucky the hero born
In this province of the stuck record"

My goodness, I feel inspired and motivated to get up out of this chair and go get another beer!

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:23 PM 0 comments

Now, For the Irony of Flood Plain Development

The formerly blue-haired guy links to a story about how our illustrious leaders in the varied municipalities in the St. Louis area are rushing to build megavelopments on areas that were under ten feet of water ten years ago this month.

I've shopped at the Sam's Club out in Atlantis Valley myself, so I cannot claim too much superiority.

However, the farmers out there have every right to sell to stoopid developers who would buy that land, and I cannot blame those farmers. After all, if they didn't sell, the municipality of Atlantis Valley would eminent domain the land anyway, since St. Louis area municipalities think that it's perfectly acceptable to strip a person of his or her property rights if the municipality could get buckets of sales tax from the eventual beneficiaries of the confiscation. Buit that's another of my stock rants.

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Atlantis Valley will probably spend its newly-minted tax revenues on amenities for its remaining residents (both of the families whose houses were not in the way of Progress).

Amenities like water parks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:01 PM 0 comments

Vacation Ideas

Business 2.0 lists some interesting industrialist and capitalist tours available.

The piece lists some cool factories that offer public tours, but don't expect free samples like you get in brewery tours from companies like Boeing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:47 PM 0 comments

Poor Form, Peter

Slate today featured a round-up of previous stories about Strom Thurmond, who died last night.

The link that led to this index page off of the Slate home page read Good Riddance to Strom:

Poor form, fellows. I would say "I hope the writers of your obituary show greater respect whether they agree with your principles and politics." I would say that, but I am not that high-minded. I hope someone urinates on your grave, or worse, that no one notices you're not around anymore.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:26 PM 0 comments

I Am A Prime Mover In The Blogomockracy

Tim Blair is crediting me with the idea of the Jake Ryan Beer Fund.

I had no idea I was so influential.

I'm also a contributor, too, so I recommend you stop by Tim's site, see what the fund's about, and contribute.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:38 AM 0 comments

Making the Personal Songs Political

On Tuesday, over on Politiblog, Jared M. enumerated the ways Fred "Wimp Biscuit" Durst (whose personal site is not ihatefreddurst.com as you might expect) and Johnny "Boy Named Goo" Rzeznik schnucked up the Pink Floyd classic "Wish You Were Here" (scroll down--I linked to the lyrics for the whole album Wish You Were Here so you could get the feel for the whole album) for a tribute concert of some sort.

Here's what I said in the comments for the post on Politblog:

Dark Side of the Moon

Wish You Were Here

The Wall

The Final Cut

The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking

Radio KAOS

Amused to Death

Momentary Lapse of Reason

I just wanted to repost it here because:

It's a long post, almost an essay.
I am too lazy to write essays on my own site tonight.
I figured some of my fans (one or two of the three or four) might have listened to Pink Floyd once or twice.

Consider it a manifesto to songwriters and poets everywhere. Get your message across by singing individual experiences to individuals, not by thumping your bleedin-heart-containin' chest.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:39 PM 0 comments

New Streams of Revenue

The New York Daily News rounds up the ways that New York's finest are enforcing all the laws on the books and citing everything to make up for the city's revenue shortfall through fines.

My favorite: The driver who got into a car accident and then got a ticket for having a broken headlight three days in a row. The law in question states:

The law says it is illegal to operate, drive or park a vehicle not equipped with headlamps that are in good working conditions. You cannot drive it. You cannot park it. The only answer is to destroy the car immediately when a headlight goes out. I would expect that sort of law in Detroit, not New York.

Sharpen your outrage, friends. I know this is confined to New York now, but rest assured your municipal officials are watching and learning. Soon, you'll be paying for the upkeep of water parks and other flotsam from rich revenues with fines for grass that's too tall for your particular suburb.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:14 PM 0 comments

How Cute!

To highlight the fact that St. Louis now features several consecutive blocks of buildings in its downtown that are not crumbling, it's throwing a "Summerfest" on Washington Avenue. How cute!

That's not a summerfest. This is a Summerfest.

(signed)

The Milwaukee Chauvinist Club.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:11 AM 0 comments

Now They've Gone Too Far

Editorial in today's Washington Post shows exactly how bad things have gotten in Pakistan:

Women, secular advocates and even Muslims

have also come under attack

Oh, my. So it's not just Americans and Christians dying, which is okay; now it's other minority groups, which is somehow worse than just Americans and Christians.

Now that protected groups are getting it, perhaps we should start protecting them. Am I reading this op-ed piece right?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 AM 0 comments

Buy the Guy a Beer

A survivor of the Bali terrorist bombing recently expressed the sentiments we all share when the admitted terrorist shouted "Allah Ackbar!" in the courtroom.

Jake Ryan, a survivor of the bombing who had bone shrapnel of other victims removed from his body, arose and loudly explained:

"You're a f . . king dog, mate, you are going to die, you f . . k." Tim Blair has started a fund to buy Mr. Ryan some beer to toast his eloquence. I have contributed. You should, too.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:19 PM 0 comments

Il Dick

So Representative Gephardt, in his Look at me! campaign for the Democrat nomination for president, briefly made his voice heard above the dim din of the other candidates by saying:

"When I'm president, we'll do executive orders to overcome any wrong thing the Supreme Court does tomorrow or any other day," Gephardt said. Rachel Lucas was the first to go off on him, followed later by Professor Volokh, Andrew Sullivan, Professor Reynolds, and even ScrappleFace, leading to the normal blogomockratic firestorm.

Okay, so Il Dick would knock out at least one competing branch of government if he were elected president. I have good news, though, he won't! He's such a longshot candidate that he's firing all of his guns at once and imploding in his space, or something along those lines.

Unlike Ms. Lucas, Prof. Volokh, Mr. Sullivan, Prof. Reynolds, and Mr. Face, I have had the privilege of voting against Dick Gephardt. When I lived in Attempted Casinoport, Missouri, that unincorporated area known colloquially as "Lemay," I was in his district. Every two years, I got to vote for whatever Don QuiGOP candidate tilted at the Speaker of the House. The best protest votes I ever cast.

But I digress. When prompted to explain the statement by ABC's The Note, Gephardt's office said:

"The fact that this question comes from libertarian law professors should speak for itself,"

So the response is that libertarians are whack jobs! Ad homenim! Of course, they'd hate to practice the politics of personal destruction, but since some people have begun taking the representative at his word, there will be hell to pay!

Fortunately, Dick Gephardt will return to citizen life soon, and by "citizen life" I mean "highly paid lobbyist life."

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:49 PM 0 comments

Okay, Hijinks Now A Felony

Back in May, I wrote about a young man here in Missouri who got caught videotaping the girls locker room. Lucky thing for him, he didn't do it in New York, where Gov Pattycakes just signed a law making video voyeurism a felony.

Not only that, but if you record a someone unclothed in a bedroom against her (let's be honest, it's always gonna be a her) will, you get added to the state's registry of sex offenders as though you were a serial molester of Webelos.

Ask me sometime and I will go on at length about the legislative insanity that assigns felony to minor offenses that cause no physical harm or threat. It's easy to do something! about a perceived problem by getting tough, but it's another thing entirely to continue to warehouse non-violent offenders for years on end.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:12 PM 0 comments

Five Out of Five Cats Agree

Researchers once again provide a handy rationalization for me: napping is good for you.

My crack feline team, particularly Dominique and Aurora, has often acted as an experiment group by sleeping upon my lap as I spend an hour in the afternoon reclined and, er, working on my astral projection abilities. Typically, I close my eyes and project myself an hour into the future, refreshed and ready for a night of chores or blogging.

Now that napping, too, has proven good for me, I am proud to add it to my daily regimen of healthy vices. Two cups of coffee, two drinks of alcohol, and a nap, and I will live forever.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:11 PM 0 comments

How Many Can You Name?

According to a recent survey (alluded to by Fark), two thirds of Americans cannot name a single Supreme Court Justice.

I could, off the top of my head (and without using the Internet) could name 6: Rehnquist, O'Connor, Ginsberg, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas. Smarter-than-thou colleague Adam could name seven, but he missed Stevens and Kennedy. Neener neener neener!

Which reminded me of a set of questions with which I would strike out at coworkers and associates back when I was a young man. The one that particularly flummoxed fellow English majors who attended the same Jesuit university I did was Name six morals.. Crikey, the biblical book of Exodus quite famously contains ten. I wasn't even asking for moral to which the answerer adhered. Just give me six. Many could not.

The other great fun one was "When was the Civil War fought?" Ikes, the years I received as an answer. 1910 was the best (worse) answer I got. Seven years before World War I. Of course, the respondent wouldn't have known that, either.

Undoubtedly you, gentle blog reader, are better steeped in civics than printers (those who run printing presses), so I expect you could name at least six Supreme Court Justices (because this very entry names seven). However, feel free to challenge your pub mates, and to name their senators and congressional representative, as well as governor, state assembly rep, state senator, mayor, and alderman.

Perhaps if we can shame them through pub bets it will increase their civics knowledge. Or at least get us free delicious Guinness Draughts when we win the bet.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:08 PM 0 comments

V: The Next Generation

Mapchic likes V and V: The Final Battle.

This news, about a new movie that carries on where the others, and presumably V: The Series, left off, should cheer her.

Robert Englund recently said that he'd be remembered forever as Freddy, but we'll always remember you as Willie, the vegetarian visitor, Robert. You're a geek icon.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:51 PM 0 comments

Fame, Fortune, and Chicks with Geek Speak

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is reprinting a Knight Ridder Newspapers syndication about how to enter the IT world by learning a little geek speak.

Words like PEBKAC? Nagware? OS? LAN? Intranet? Firewall?

Drop those in your job interview, you little punk, and we'll know your certs were vaporware. Get back to AOL where it's safe. Before you do, please confirm your credit card number below.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:37 PM 0 comments

Norquist Bows Out of Milwaukee

He might have been a Democrat. He worked a little too closely with a female member of his staff. But Mayor John Norquist did wonders for the city of Milwaukee, singlehandedly revitalizing the downtown with his New Urbanist zeal. His time in office is ending.

I remember Milwaukee being pretty dead downtown when I started college in 1990, about two years into his first term as mayor. Now, when I go back, people live downtown, and not just the homeless. The city's nightlife has spread southward from the East Side so that nightclubs are open in the heart of downtown. Condos are going up by the lake. Apartment complexes have sprouted on Wisconsin Avenue. And there are people.

Kind of a shame that St. Louis, a city whose metropolitan area boasts a larger population than Milwaukee, continues its corrupt morass and stunted revitalization efforts. If Norquist wanted to come down and run for mayor of St. Louis, I'd vote for him.

What, you say, but Brian J., you live in Casinoport. How can you vote for the mayor of St. Louis?

Well, being a living, breathing resident of St. Louis is not exactly required to vote in St. Louis.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Kaplan Weighs In With His Aeronautics Experience

Fred Kaplan, of Slate, elucidates on the MDA's recent missile test. He says it's laughable that the interceptor could have missed and the test succeeded. His ignorance shows, but professional writers, and by professional writers I mean "all other professional writers except me," don't have to know much about the real world to pund.

I've gone on about this missile test before, and I am too bored to go over it again. I'll let John J. Miller handle Kaplan.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:24 PM 0 comments

Florida Law Enforcement Officials Punish Preventive Detention

Less than a week after a Florida boy is killed by an alligator, a Florida man is fined for possession of an alligator because he lassoed it and detained it as it approached a woman and two small children.

The guy, who was driving, stopped and lassoed the reptile as it approached the potential victims. He then dragged it away from the wimmen and chillen and waited for the authorities to show up. When they did, they promptly wrote him a citation, made him cut the rope, and then called a trapper to come catch the animal.

Jeb, what is going on in your state?

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:02 AM 0 comments

Jewel and Firearms

Since I know I am The Formerly Blue Haired Guy's source for Jewel information, I must point him to a revealing admission about her affinity for the long guns on Instapundit.

Easy, honey! I am doing it for Hans!

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:06 PM 0 comments

Stop That Racoon!

Quick! Someone stop that racoon, it's stolen Cyndi Lauper's song "I Drove All Night"!

Wait a minute! That's not a racoon! It's Celine Dion in her Vegas eye makeup!

Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that song belongs to Cyndi Lauper.

Put down the song, Celine, and raise your five-octave voice out of the range of human hearing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:02 PM 0 comments

Jewel 0304: The Review

As some of you might know, I purchased the new album from Jewel Kilcher, 0304, when it came out three weeks ago. A member of my adoring public (which means if it ain't you, it's the other one) asked for a full review of it since I, after listening to it once or twice, gushed enough to convince him to buy it. He hasn't spoken to me since. Let this be my apology.

Jewel's got a new sound, as you have read elsewhere. Her other albums have been folksy, with her voice and subtle acoustic guitar giving her a subtle, breathy sexiness in her love songs (think "Morning Song"). When I first heard 0304, with its dance beats and a more confident sexuality in songs like "Leave the Light On", "Sweet Temptation", or "2 Become 1", I thought, wow! It was something akin to seeing the little sister of your bestest buddy blossom from a cute kid into a woman.

Unfortunately, after a couple more listens, the song "Yes You Can" sticks in my head. The song's a celebration of dance club/rave culture casual sex. Suddenly, it's akin to seeing the little sister of your bestest buddy blossom from a cute kid into a woman who happens to be a prostitute. Ick.

Maybe prostitution's a good analogy. After all, she's changed her music and her image to target a demographic instead of trying to please her core audience with some expansion (Dr. Thomas to emergency, please; Dr. Thomas to emergency).

She's sacrificed some of her other, more thoughtful songs about things aside from chasing members of the opposite sex. No "Hands", no "Down So Long", no "Who Will Save Your Soul" (her best song, period). The album changes pace (allowing listeners to recuperate for a minute and slam some ginseng and saw palmetto) with "America", but I saw the same Songwrite-By-Numbers kit in K-Mart.

So I'm disappointed with the album, but it's not all bad. Jewel can carry a playful dance number when she uses her manic voice. You know the one I am talking about. The less breathy (although still breathy), with clear, aggressive notes ("Who Will Save Your Soul" and "Hands"). When she tries to mesh her plaintive voice ("Adrian") into the bubbles of notes and backbeat, it fails. Fortunately, she stays away from the bleats. After all, the albums all about coming together for a night, not breaking up badly.

I give it a two of four whatevers, and I am disappointed because I expect a little more from Jewel. I listened to Pieces of You over and over again, for crying out loud. I hope it's only a departure, as do many of the reviewers on Amazon. I guess it will depend upon whether her new audience is bigger than her old audience.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:21 PM 0 comments

On Second Thought, Nat....

Maybe it's not a good gamble to demand renegotiation on your recording contract, threaten to return to Australian serials, and hold your breath for more money since you're a big star based on your 1998 album Left of the Middle and your two hits, "Torn" and "Wishing I Was There."

It might be more of a bluff than you think, and if they call you on it, your career might be in real trouble.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:44 PM 0 comments

Since They've Won The War On Terror

Obviously the FBI has some time to get music swappers.

After all, when smart constraints remain on federal law enforcement of civil offenses, the terrorists will have won!

(Pointer from Techdirt.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:25 AM 0 comments

High School PoilitiAngst

Brian's plog--paper log, aka "journal" (because boys don't keep diaries)--entry for January 5, 1989:

story

Yessir, I am easily influenced by what I read, and the Henry Reed series of books (read much earlier than my junior year in high school, thank you very much--as I recall, my tastes around then were fairly heavy into mystery, as my essay "Meeting Robert B. Parker" attests). I started journaling several times in high school, and this particular stretch (my junior year) captures some political thoughts. The remainder is daily life in high school.

Which is why I appreciated my visit to Jared Myers' PolitiBlog. It's got a conservative political bent, but exposed in the life of a high school student. It's the journal entries I would write today, were I short of a score of years.

Oh, yeah, and Wednesday is Hot Conservative Chick Day.

Except he's forgotten the hot Libertarian-esque babes Heather, Rachel Lucas, and Virginia Postrel. Or maybe he just hasn't gotten to them yet.

(Link seen on InstaPundit.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:11 AM 0 comments

Kerry's Boolean Criteria for a Fillibuster?

Oh, and check out the Boolean construction in his criteria for a fillibuster. It's not really clear. He'll fillibuster a candidate who

((would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose OR would turn back the clock the constitutional right to privacy OR (would turn back the clock on civil rights AND individual liberties)) AND would turn back the clock on the laws protecting workers) AND would turn back the clock on the environment

That's a pretty convoluted criteria, and a pretty tough one to meet. I reckon no candidate would, which means Kerry's algorithmic condition will never be met. No fillibuster(String supremeCourtNominee) method call at all!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:29 PM 0 comments

Senator Kerry Threatens to Deploy Evil Kerrybot

Drudge has pointed to a story in which Senator John Kerry, in which the Vietnam veteran claims:

"I am prepared to filibuster, if necessary, any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose or the constitutional right to privacy, on civil rights and individual liberties and on the laws protecting workers and the environment," Kerry said in remarks via satellite at a meeting of Democratic party officials in St. Paul, Minn. As you know, Senator Kerry's full-time job these days is running for the Democratic Party's presidential nominee. This requires nationwide, or at lease extra-DC, schmoozing, gladhanding, speechifying, and fundraising--all things you cannot do while not yielding the Senate floor.

Hence, I can only infer that he is planning to unleash an android replica of himself to do one or the other since he cannot be in all those places at the same time.

I just threw in the evil part because it makes the copy snappier. We all know Senator Kerry is not truly evil, just misguided.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:26 PM 0 comments

Schoolchildren Learn About Suburban Pettiness

Another suburb of Milwaukee is suffering from a shortage of Paxil. Residents in Cerdarburg have created a petition complaining that the colors of playground equipment are too colorful.

If it's not the color of a duck blind, suburban Milwaukee communities don't want it. Heaven forbid their property values not rise as quickly as the next drab suburb over.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:12 PM 0 comments

Future Brave Man Washes Out of Training

In Florida, a group of kids were swimming in a river even though they could see alligators nearby all day. Of course, when they saw the alligators, they got out of the water. Except for the toughest of the bunch, who might have been trying to prove his bravery. It didn't work out for him.

Do you think we'll get a summer of Alligator Attack! hype from this?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:22 AM 0 comments

Scandal: Defects Uncovered During Testing!

Headline on CNN: Missile misses target, officials call it a success. Implication seems to be that the officials (military-techno-industrial complex!) are, um, Mooring the truth a little, too say the least.

After all, the lead intones:

Well, the missile test also did not:

Fix the economy.
Prevent the Oracle hostile takeover of PeopleSoft.
Repair France's image problem with American tourist money.
Vote for my slogan at IMAO.

However, none of these was the objective of the test, and hence none represents criteria for success. The engineers, who are working on the project, probably have a reasonable idea of where they are in the development cycle. As a matter of fact, the officials indicate (but are not quoted in their own words) as saying:

new design

[Emphasis mine]

So the MDA or its engineers redesigned a part of the system and are testing it out for the first time? Note how CNN uses a "but" conjunction in the quote above. I wonder if the second clause, or whatever source from which it came, opposed the first clause. I doubt it. I suspect criteria for the test might have included things like the operations of the independent systems within the interceptor.

No matter the criteria in this individual test, I am glad to see the flaws shaken out before the system's deployed. If the MDA hadn't caught this flaw now, it would have made living in Los Angeles or Seattle much more dangerous a couple years from now. Permanent shadows don't log defects.

Maybe the media should understand the goals and process of testing before they start pontificating.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:45 PM 0 comments

J. Bradord DeLong: Fellow Minion of Sid

In this column in Wired, DeLong admits his problem:

In the spring of 1994, I wiped the game Civilization off my office computer. I wiped it off my home PC. I wiped it off my laptop. I threw away the original disks on which it had come. It was clear to me that I had a choice: I could either have Civilization on my computers, or I could be a deputy assistant secretary of the US Treasury. I could not do both. It wasn't that my boss ordered me to - she herself played a mean game of computer solitaire. In this, I was the boss, and I had decided that with Civilization on DeLong's hard disk, DeLong's productivity would be unacceptably low. I, too, have struggled against Civilization since my esteemed spouse convinced me to install it on my old 486. And then Civilization II. And now the accursed Civilization III.

There have been times when I have removed it so I could better discipline myself to spend more time writing than manipulating little civilizations into conquest or other policy. When I have had to rebuild my computers from software or hardware disaster, I have often delayed putting it back on, but the la belle game sans merci hath me in thrall (sorry, Johnny).

I think he says something else in the piece, but I only saw the name of the game before feeling the compulsion to start a game. The CD's already in the drive, don't you know?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Shareware's Triumphant Return

A CNN article describes how shareware is making a comeback. Well, duh!

The shareware distribution model makes a lot of sense. Smaller applications, many of which are home grown at first, have lower development, marketing, and distribution costs, and the author of the software can pass the savings on. Best of all, you get stripped down versions to evaluate at your leisure for free and for an unlimited time.

It's hard not to appreciate it. Hey, I have been a fan of shareware for over a decade. I still have the original Duke Nukem and Cosmo's Great Adventure loaded on my Windows 2000 box, running in all their two dimensional scrolling glories. Not only do they it run as well on my Athlon 1000+ as on my 286-10, but the replayabilty remains. Todd Replogle, where have you gone?

Hopefully not off somewhere to write the interchangeable first person shooters, like Duke Nukem 3D. I hope you retired off of your old Apogee earnings before sinking to that level.

(Link seen on /..)

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:17 PM 0 comments

Moore's New Tautology Thriller

In defense of his comedy Bowling for Columbine, which critics have pointed out sometimes reflects reality kinda like Silly Putty does, Michael Moore has been quoted as saying "The facts in the movie are correct."

With that in mind, I would like to add:

Michael Moore won an Oscar for his work.
Michael Moore is a gnork.
Morpolians from the third planet of the Ponolia system have begun controlling the thoughts of auditors who count voting results for the Academy.

I assure you, the facts in this posting are correct. The ad hominems and outright fictions, on the other hand.....

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:52 AM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Courtesy of the Chicago Sun-Times' Richard Roeper:

"The true definition of multi-tasking is to do several things half-assed, all at once."

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:42 AM 0 comments

J.K. Rowling Closes Gap to $1 Billion The Easy Way

Authoress J.K. Rowling, whose prowess with fascinating people with 11-year-old boys rivals Catholic seminaries, is closing in on becoming the first billionaire author and has discovered the fast track to wealth. It's not the book royalties or the merchandising rights after all. It's $100 million dollar litigation.

She's suing a newspaper for leaking details about the latest Harry Potter novel for $100 million dollars. Give me a schnucking break.

Oh, and Scholastic's gonna punish retailers who break the rules:

Retailers signed agreements not to put the book on sale early, with Scholastic threatening to punish violators by withholding timely shipments of future Potter books. Pah! I always like Tab book club better. Neener neener neener.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:26 PM 0 comments

Rainwater: Bad or Bad?

Compare and contrast our flood with the Rybarcyzk flood.

We're keeping up with the neighbors, all right. Except Bob doesn't have an Arkanoid or a Heavy Barrel, and he cannot do an Agent Gollum, so I remain King Geek of Casinoport, Missouri!

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:38 PM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Thinking outside the box is not so good when you're a house cat.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:05 PM 0 comments

Support Heather's Modeling Dream

Go over to IMAO right now and vote for my slogan entry. If I win the tee-shirt, Heather will get it and will model it in a tasteful and suitably tasty manner. So you see, it's not for me, it's for Heather. All for Heather.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 AM 0 comments

Gangsta Kitsch

St. Louis Magazine has a story in its June issue (not yet online) about St. Louis gangs in the 1920s and their wacky whackings. Written in sepia-prose and laid on a parchmentesque watermark, this piece romanticizes a bloody bunch of men and their battles to control crime, which included mail truck robberies and control of the illegal drug market, which meant alcohol trafficking.

Contrast that with gangs today. Rap music, particularly gangsta rap, idealizes the lifestyle, and I suspect most people who turn to St. Louis Magazine to find dining plans or interior design ideas don't care for gangsta rap and probably hate and fear the thought of current gangland violence.

Is the difference in gang perception based on race? That is, does middle America prefer its gangs Irish instead of another, differently-colored minority?

Maybe a little bit, but I reckon it's more the long, long ago in galaxy far, far away aspect of it. Egan's Rats and the Cuckoos, whose the survivors have died of old age by now, aren't a current threat to law abiding, SUV-driving folk, but today's gangs are.

Someday, I imagine our descendants will read about drive-by shootings with the same amused interest, thinking "Shooting from a car with a nine millimeter pistol! How quaint!"

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:26 AM 0 comments

Meanwhile, Back on the Twisted Elephant Ranch

Congresswoman Mary Bono, who is almost the Jean Carnahan of California, is going to start a congressional caucus on property rights and music piracy even though she's rumored as under consideration as head of the RIAA.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:44 PM 0 comments

Orrin Hatch Crosses All Lines

It's not clear which portions of the Bill of Rights or Constiturion Orrin Hatch considers sacred, but given his interest in allowing RIAAvens to destroy the computer of someone who downloads copyright songs illegally, I could only answer for certain "Article I, Section 3."

Choice quotes from the linked article:

So Senator Hatch, a legislator, wants to cede law enforcement, the duty of the executive branch of the government to private industry. Further more, he wants that private industry to punish a civil offense with damage to personal property (I cannot fight the bold font any longer) without due process and without a warrant (illegal search and seizure).

He wants this to protect an industry that's doing its best to hang itself with mediocre music, boy bands, American Idol, and targetting an audience with no disposable income but with Kazaa.

I wish I lived in Utah so I could vote against him.

"There's no excuse for anyone violating copyright laws," Hatch said. Hang 'em high, Judge Roy Bean. Make it a capital strict liablitly offense then.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:58 PM 0 comments

Excessive Fairness

Aristotle said, "Everything in moderation," and the bureaucrats at the forthcoming People's Democratic Republic of Europe know that since a little moderation is good, a great deal of coerced moderation must be better. Hence, they want to moderate every type of Internet site to ensure that both sides of any issue get equal time to express their viewpoints. CNet's Declan McCullagh has the details.

As I have said before, some think that the linchpin of democracy was the unlegislated mandate called the Fairness Doctrine.

Of course, the same people tend to think that your property, whether it's your radio station or your Web hosting, does not belong to you, it belongs to the hoi polloi, and they get to administer the application of your limited rights to your own property. You're not qualified to decide who gets to speak on your time and your dime.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:08 PM 0 comments

Hear, Hear

The only gift I could think to give would be another long, long day fishing, maybe 13 years ago.

It was Father's Day. Love them if you've got them. Tomorrow, too.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:39 PM 0 comments

Has It Been Seven Years Already?

Wow, it's been seven years since G.J. Meyer published his book Executive Blues: Down and Out In Corporate America and detailed how much it sucks to be laid off from a six figure salary and how he couldn't find a job.

Now Fortune is reporting it's still tough when you're white-color unemployed. Especially if you're white-collar and formerly of high title and high salary.

Once, when I was a young man in college, sitting in the lobby of one of the halls that house classes on the campus of Marquette Univeristy, peddling doughnuts to support a fledgling literary magazine, and undoubtedly trying to win the affection of one of the interchangeable English-major blondes, a security guard imitation cop stopped at the imitation doughnut shop and gave me a bit of advice for which my upbringing and general outlook had prepared me: always have more than one potential source of income. Actually, he probably said "Have more than one pot on the fire," or some other cliche, but as a recovering English major, I hate to repeat it verbatim.

I can, however. summarize the lesson. The gentleman related his life story, or at least his C.V., while eating a doughnut. He hadn't gone to college, but he'd joined the National Guard. Throughout his tumultous employment career, he'd had the one-weekend-a-month-two-weeks-in-summer pay as well as a variety of part-time positions in addition to whatever full-time job he held at the time. Although his life, to that point, comprised the period from the 1960s to the early 1990s, he'd seen enough ups and downs to know that the world didn't owe him something since he was present.

Of course, he didn't have the $40,000 parchment, so one could easily dismiss the ramblings of an overweight rentacop in a grey parka. But when a security guard talks about security, and not just in the physical sense, perhaps one should heed. As both Meyer and the heroes of the Fortune piece could attest, parchments and titles don't offer true security in a turbulent, evolving world.

Personally, I have held innumerable positions in numerous fields, including printing, shipping/receiving, grocery stores, IT, and magazines. I have a handy mix of blue collar skills and mad money skills. Whatever the job market, I will find something, even if it means something less than what I have now. I have also dodged the bullet of getting an superdooper title. Many cash-strapped companies will give you an esteem-building title instead of giving you a raise. Becoming Vice-Mechanic of Doc-U-Matics would make it much more difficult to simply be a Doc-U-Matic somewhere else, and I have deked when appropriate.

So I doubt I'll ever have time to write a book or talk to another writer about being out of work and suffering without my ludicrous paychecks coming twice a month. I'll be too busy working.

(And as my esteemed spouse has indicated, she has some mad 733t skillz at transcription and biscuit making, so no matter how the economy turns, we'll have a hovel to call home.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:27 PM 0 comments