Musings from Brian J. Noggle

Fill In Your Own Conspiracy Blanks

From various sources including Associated Press and the New York Times (links courtesy of Boots and Sabers and Little Green Footballs respectively), we get the dramatic fevered imaginings of a few:

In the hopes of elevating this line of thought from the absurd to the....well, there's really nowhere more absurd to go as a serious story. So I will do my best to mock it.

The real reasons for the bulge under Bush's jacket:

It's the wind-up key. Because President Bush, unlike other candidates in this particular race, actually shows up for the job for which taxpayers pay him hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, he had to send his wind-up body double to the debate. And it didn't do to badly. It certainly looked less mechanical than, say, Al Gore.
Missouri is a right to carry state. Since Bush can't feel the comfort of cold steel in leather in Washington DC, which he frequently visits on the people's business unlike his opponent, Bush wore a piece to the debate. He wore it McClane-style so as to not frighten the undecideds in the audience nor to stir controversy with the press should his jacket fall open to display it. Undoubtedly, they would say he was trying to intimidate Kerry and pander to the NRA.
It's where the mechanical arms attach.

To manipulate oil prices, to violate the civil rights of every man, woman, and child in the world, to start wars just to watch them burn, and to conduct his other maniacal schemes, Dr. Octobush has devised a set of extra chimp arms to help him do all the evil that he does more easily. They attach via a special clip wired directly into his brain.
Man, who knew how small devil wings folded up?

Hey, feel free to add your own. We're on the Internet for crying out loud. It's all tRuth.

(Note: Capital R truth does in fact differ from capital T truth, but it's more accommodating to those whose personal feelings differ from the real world, so it's capital E bEtter.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:40 AM