Musings from Brian J. Noggle

Momma and Pappa Bear Were Depressed

Okay, it's not a quizilla thing, but while I was hanging around on MSN, checking Bill Gates's sofa for hundred thousand dollar bills that might have fallen out of his pockets or from the books in which he uses them as bookmarks, I came across an important headline: Are you among the 19 million depressed? I just had to know! Come along with me, then, as I take the test.

	17 million! That's a more exclusive bunch than lottery winners, if you factor in dollar and ticket winners. I want to join!
	Most of the time? No one told me this was going to be a math test. Let's see, I spend a third of my time sleeping, so that means if I spend half my waking time sad, that's only 33% and not most. Let's see, I spend 14% of my waking time angry at the crazy other drivers, and 32% furious at thoughtless cretins in the government or who want to get into the government who would dictate my life better than I do, 10% in alcohol-fueled mellowness, 2% in alcohol-fueled blackouts (wherein I could be sad, to be honest, but this is only 2% against the total), and 18.5% of the time in vague meloncholy (is that sadness? What are the parameters for sad?). Is that 100% of the 67%....aw, just put down No and then click Submit. Interesting button choice. Submit!
	Do I have trouble doing or enjoying the things I used to do? I've always been a lazy sack of crap, and it just gets easier. Man, this question must certainly suck for former athletes or people who peaked early. Never make it to the crest, and you never have to go down hill, I say, so I click No.
	That about covers my life. Sometimes, I stay up until midnight writing even though I get up at five to go to work, and then when I am on vacation, it's arise at ten, nap from noon until one, nap from five till six, and then go to bed at one or two. The Good Life. Kinda funny that if I don't get exactly the right amount of sleep might be a sign of depression. Might also be a sign of ambition or a life. At any rate, I must click Yes.
	Losing or gaining weight? Once again, the only way to not be depressed is to be status quo. Personally, I like to attribute my weight gain to any or all of the following: Getting married to an excellent cook. Turning thirty. Getting a desk job. Taking six servings of "breads and cereals" in liquid form each day. Of course, it could be the depression. Also, my appetites have changed; I prefer dark beers to pilsners. Why oh why do I go on?? Oh, because it's only question 4. Click Yes.
	I can't make decisions (Yes/No) Sometimes the jokes write themselves. I struggle to not get too lost in double negatives and click No.
	This question's all about feelings. Damn feminine crap. I know I am hopeless and worthless, so who cares about how I feel about it? I feel fine about it; feeling bad about not having any hope or value outside a couple bucks worth of chemical compounds comprising this hunk of reflective meat won't change a thing about it. So I click No.
	Tired for no reason? Probably not. Usually I get tired because I've been working hard, or I get tired because I'm depressed, but never for no reason. Click No.
	Hmmm. If we rephrase this question to "I, myself, think about killing," then we'd have a ooooh boy and how, or its closest equivalent, Yes. However, since I think they mean suicide, I had to click No. If I considered suicide, my wife would kill me.
	The result? I am not depressed, so I cannot join that exclusive fraternity, and of course I'm bummed. But was I honest with myself? Did I lie? What if I lied and I didn't know about it? Was I trying to hide something from this anonymous test? Was it really anonymous, or was Microsoft really storing the results so they could cross-reference my answers and my MAC address to provide a psychiatric profile they could sell to insurers and pop-under ad companies? Perhaps depression would be the *least* of my mental health worries.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:44 PM