Musings from Brian J. Noggle

Improved Hockey Nicknames, Cheap

In today's St. Louis Post-Dispatch, columnist Dan O'Neill, who once deservedly got raked over the coals (deservedly so) for getting several St. Louis Blues players' names wrong when he covered them (probably while intoxicated), pens a laundry list of hockey nicknames and calls it a column.

I have to admit, I've always thought most hockey nicknames were kinda boring. Jamal "Jammer" Mayers? Tyson "Nasher" Nash? Tony "Twister" Twist? Come on, where's the creativity, the poetry?

So ever since I have been a Blues fan, I've applied my own nicknames to the players, from afar, of course, since some of those gentlemen are bigger than I am. So hear they are, for your enjoyment:

Last year's crew:
Player	Nickname	Reason
Eric Boguniecki	Bug-on-the-windshield	He's a little guy, and sometimes when he throws a check on a bigger player, he looks like one.
Petr Cajanek	Bionic	Rhymes, almost, with Cajanek.
Dallas Drake	Ducky	A drake's a male duck. Must I draw a picture?
Reed Low	Beaver	He has a prominent overbite. Don't tell him I said so.
Steve Martins	Harvard	He went there.
Jamal Mayers	Gunboat	Tough and fast.
Scott Mellanby	Hawk	Mellanby, especially when he's got his helmet on, looks like the guy from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
Keith Tkachuk	Ka-Ching!	He makes a lot of money.
Barret Jackman	Bert	Heavy brows, high forehead, who else could it be?
Alexander Khavonov	Never	Never Khavanov. Come on, it sounds cool.
Chris Pronger	Cap'n Happy	Grant Fuhr started it.
Bryce Salvador	Kermit	He looks kinda like Kermit the Frog.
Brent Johnson	Big	Roman Turek was "Large."
Old friends:
Scott Young	Walleye	Television cameras often caught him gasping and with an eye on the jumbotron, making him look like a fish.
Scott Pellerin	Droopy	He looks kinda droopy, even when he smiles.
Tyson Nash	Pinball	His playing style was to crash from one opponent to the next.
Michal Handzus	The Zusinator	The guy was a machine, and he never smiled.
Lubos Bartecko	The Wolf	Lubos is kinda like lupus, which.... ah, screw it, it's too scholarly to explain.

Aren't those much cooler than what the hockey players themselves use? Perhaps the NHLPA can hire me as an official Alternate Collquial Designation Originator or something.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:45 PM