Musings from Brian J. Noggle: September 2004

Two Of These Things Are Not Like the Others

From Richard Roeper's column in today's Chicago Sun-Times, entitled Young, untalented celebs coming out of woodwork:

They're young and they're cute, and they're amazingly unaware of the outside world. They spend their days shopping and lunching and sunbathing topless, and they spend their nights at clubs and private parties. They're always, always talking on their cell phones. And they wear red-string Kabbalah bracelets, because, like, it shows how, like, spiritual they are.

There's Lindsay Lohan, who just a few short years ago was starring in "The Parent Trap." Now Lohan's a freshly minted 18, and she's busy clubbing, chain-smoking, feuding with Hilary Duff, hooking up with her boyfriend -- Wilmer Valderrama, the 24-year-old fifth banana on "That 70s Show" -- and denying rumors that her breasts have been surgically enhanced. It's a wonder the girl has time to make movies!

There's Christina Aguilera, a pretty good singer who often looks like she's posing for Skank Monthly. Aguilera, who's been pierced more frequently than a porn star at a biker rally, now says she's going minimalist -- keeping just one special piercing.

There's the little Hilton knockoff sister, Nicky, 20, who married her 33-year-old boyfriend in Vegas. Big sister Paris and fellow party girl Bijou Phillips were in attendance at the classy affair.

There's Nicole Richie, she of the pierced nippled ring that triggers metal detectors everywhere.

Why, there's even Barbara and Jenna Bush -- fine and decent young women, to be sure, but also way more into the party scene than, say, Chelsea Clinton.

There's Jessica Simpson, with her giant blond head and her giant bronze chest and her giant capacity for playing the ditz.

There's the rapidly aging Tara Reid, who looks like the third runner-up in the 1997 Miss Hawaiian Tropic Pageant.

There's Ally Hilfiger and Jaime Gleicher, the spoiled-brat princesses featured on MTV's "Rich Girls."

There's Mischa Barton. Seems like only yesterday she was the little ghost girl under the bed in "The Sixth Sense." Now she's all about string bikinis and the oil heir boyfriend and Fashion Week.

I call foul. Speaking of evil, there's Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer, Pol Pot, Richard Roeper, Adolf Hitler, Ghengis Khan....

I hereby deem Roeper a Juxtaposeur.

Funny, he fails to mention any Kerry children who are prone to showing up at film premieres with see-through dresses and whatnot. I guess they slipped Roeper's one track mind, or maybe he doesn't want to blow his chances with them the next time he sees all of them at a film premiere.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:09 AM 0 comments

Tales from Psuedobabblerhood II

The night's second Gary Cooper film, 1931's Fighting Caravans, depicted a young (and by young, I mean a year younger than my present age) Gary Cooper as a young ne'er-do-well scout on the trail from Independence, Missouri, to Sacramento, California, as part of a large wagon train beset by Indians.

Not too many comments, but:

Lili Damita is way hotter than Helen Hayes, and I can even forgive the French accent since she wisened up and moved to America. Also, at 5' 3", she seems to have a couple of inches on Ms. Hayes, using the relative Cooper scale for comparison.
Like the cantankerous scout Bill Jackson, I too have grown quite fond of a Kickapoo girl.

Still, as I delve more into these older films, I have to admit I prefer color films to black and white, unless they've been lovingly restored by gentle, adulating acolyte hands. But that's a matter of taste.

Also, I hope that I am like Gary Cooper. Although I am a stunning example of manhood in my thirties, I hope to get sexier as I near the midcentury mark and beyond. I'm still hoping to dodge the whole lung cancer thing, though.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:07 PM 0 comments

When Coloradoans Attack!

Well, well, well. Seems that my post tut-tutting the concept of Colorado as part of the heartland has touched a nerve. First, Jared at Exultate Justi comments, and then one of his readers sends me this enlightened e-mail:

You ignorant person...

Dear Brian,
Read your post "Colorado is not the heartland" (linked from Exultate
Justi). I would suggest that you watch too much television if you think
rather small, insignificant places like Aspen and Vail as typical of my
state. Boulder? Show me a major college town that is not infested by
leftist wierdoes. Athens? Lawrence? Chapel Hill? Not!

Skiing? Actually, that 'sport' was developed by us as a tourist trap to
sucker Texans and Chicagoans into spending their money. They also often
spend time in our hospitals after this activity, further spending money.
Sadly, many of these people stayed.

Not the heartland, indeed! I am sick of all of you lowlanders thinking
that this is some kind of snow-covered wonderland (we really ought to
re-name sme of our sports franchises that reflect this misconception).

Denver? typical nasty yuppie-infested big city. Colorado Springs?
Imagine Birmingham, Alabama without the humidity. We are just as normal
as any other place in the USA.

In the interest of reaching out to our poor Colorado brothers and elevating the discourse, I'd like to point out:

Coors beer isn't very good either.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:28 PM 0 comments

Tales from Psuedobabblerhood

So tonight's first movie is the 1932 rendition of A Farewell to Arms starring Gary Cooper and Helen Hayes. Here are my thoughts:

Man, Helen Hayes was kinda cute, but she's like, what, 4 foot tall?
Good to see Gary Cooper was as cross-eyed as I am.
You want to know a secret about the quality of DVDs you get when you buy a classic double feature for $10? Man, it's authentic. I got every pop and his in the soundtrack in surround sound, baby. If only I had HDTV, undoubtedly it would be as pixelated as playing Doom on an Atari 2600. Which I think was called Gunfight, by the way, but that's neither here nor there.
Some people, particularly academics (especially those attending Colorado universities) would say that one could not truncate or chop up a Hemingway novel, but this movie indicates that you can. It's not a bad movie, but it's just a shell of what the book was.

Of course, some would continue to cast aspersions on Hemingway's novels, instead preferring the continental confuance of James Joyce. When I encounter these people, I prefer to engage them in a rigorous drunken brawl. I know that's what Papa would have wanted.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:39 PM 0 comments

The Review Reviewed

Over on JoeCliffordFaust.com, the author responds to my review of his novel A Death of Honor.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM 0 comments

Tales from Pseudobacherlorhood: Brian Shivs Cary Grant

So I pardon me if I get a little, how do you say it, upset. As some of you know, when my beautiful wife leaves town for business or biking, I take refuge in DVDs to kill the long, lonely hours without the fuego de mi corazon, la luz de vida, and the woman who represents even more foreign language sayings with more italics.

So this evening, when my beautiful wife has gone to a tropical location without me, I watch An Affair to Remember, not because I like chick flicks recommended by the Meg Ryan character in Sleepless in Seattle, but because I am researching the requisites for being a sensitive guy (please don't beat me up, Tap City codrinkers).

Little did I know that the whole point was that the musically-minded, auburn-haired babe was travelling in a tropical location when she encountered a sharpie like Cary Grant, whom she decided that, as a non-practicing painter who could do the cha-cha and who had a grandmother in France with a good spread, was worth more than her faithful man at home. Pardon me if I take some offense.

Mr. Grant (and his sharpie ilk), I have a pen right here with which I have practiced the particular angle that I can use to drive its blue ball point through your Xyphoid Process right into the lower quadrant of your left lung, so if you even dare start circling my wife in a stairwell, prepare for your lower tracheotomy, do you know what I am saying?

Sure, the movie tried to make me forget my point by detouring into some musical sort of bits through the first part of the third act, with all those damn urchins singing, but I remained undeterred. No matter how many times they ran that damn "Affair to Remmeber" song through its various interpretations, I could hear nothing but "The Long Goodbye" playing on the car radio, do you get my drift?

Criminey, this brings to mind several things:

I miss my wife.
I should lower my caffeine intake.
As shidoshi said, practice the upward strike by dropping rear leg and pivoting 45 degrees, blocking with left hand and jamming pen into craw with right hand.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:45 AM 0 comments

Friendly Warning

When you're eating leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken, do not catch up on reading your back issues of Playboy magazine. The grease on your fingertips will leave marks on the pages which you will never explain to anyone's satisfaction.

So I heard.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:11 PM 0 comments

That's a Distribution System I'll Enjoy

Regarding the new, more-counterfeit looking fifty dollar bill, MSNBC reports:

The new $50s soon will be showing up at banks, cash registers and wallets.

I'm watching my wallet carefully, awaiting that spontaneous fiftication.

On the other hand, I'm slightly disturbed the government can just beam them right in, but on the other hand, it's fifty bucks (as long as you can convince the cashier it's fifty bucks).

On still another hand, I'm going to use this excuse the next time a scrip of paper that says Brian, Call Me Back, Love Your Bod, Candi falls from my wallet, I'm going to use the excuse that it just showed up at my wallet. Because That's my business contact at xxxxx just won't work when she mentions my bod.

I think I'm out of hands now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:32 PM 0 comments

Distilling E. J Dionne

In today's Washington Post, E. J. Dionne writes a column entitled How To Win The Heartland. As a proponent and resident of the heartland, I was rather interested in hearing how a coastal intellectual would have his type of candidate play in drive around, but not out of unless it's necessary country (which is how I characterize it, but I don't care to fly).

But then I realized he's talking about a senatorial candidate in Colorado. Colorado, home to Vail, Aspen, Boulder, and Denver. Sorry, Stephen, but I don't consider Colorardo to be part of the heartland.

But that aside, let me distill Dionne's wisdom in how a Democrat can win even in the "heartland" into the two most salient nuggets:

Wear black jeans and cowboy boots, and remember to take your cowboy hat off indoors.
Work to extend government benefits to people who aren't currently accepting government benefits, like Republicans.

That just might work in a heart of rich people snow resortland.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:45 PM 0 comments

Another Dizzying Intellect Heard From

Why do you see so many black Republicans these days? Dave Berkmann of the Shepherd Express sees right through us:

Why all the showcasing of blacks by the GOP? "The goal," according to University of Chicago political science professor Melissa Harris-Lacewell, "is not to increase the [Republicans'] share of African-American votes, but to signal moderate voters that the party is not racist. ... Individuals such as Alan Keyes, Colin Powell and [education secretary] Ron Paige have the effect of reassuring 'soccer moms' and 'NASCAR dads' that they can support the Republican Party without signaling they are racially biased." In other words, another GOP scam.

Hey, he's a former professor who taught the "science" of mass communications. Pardon me while I have someone with a better pedigree do my thinking for me.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:32 PM 0 comments

In a Second Bush Administration, They Will Draft Dairy Cattle

Meanwhile, in Wisconsin, John Kerry explains Bush's diabolical plans for cattle, including the dreaded Haliburton Battle Holstein. Or something.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:11 AM 0 comments

The Post-Dispatch Explains the Blogosphere

From a news analysis piece on Sunday entitled New media beat old in testing veracity of Bush memos, which describes how bloggers uncovered the memo forgeries broadcast by CBS:

Hours after "60 Minutes" aired what it said were memos written in 1972 and 1973 by Bush's squadron leader, Lt. Col. Jerry B. Killian, a man using the name Buckhead posted a comment on Free Republic (http://powerlineblog.com), a right-wing bulletin board.

That's precious. In an article about how new media checks the old media's facts and calls them on mistakes, the old media mistakenly gives the URL for Power Line Blog when talking about Free Republic.

Remedial Google classes for all Post-Dispatch writers and editors, stat. Not stet, dammit, stat!

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:09 PM 0 comments

Maybe That's Why He's Hoarse

So I opened my mail, even the piece from John Kerry, because hey, you never know what you might get (Ed Gillespie sent me a dollar, which I am keeping, thanks, Ed!). Here's the pitch from John Kerry:

Click for full size

All caps? I don't think I have ever gotten a letter written in Internet shouting before. Crikey, these people and their typewriters.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:10 PM 0 comments

Mail Call

One of these things is not like the others; one of these things does not belong.

Can you spot it?

One of these mails is not like the others

Click for full size

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:58 PM 0 comments

Do the Math

The greatest Green Bay Packer quarterbacks were named Bart Starr and Brett Favre. That's a B-r-hard consonant ending first name followed by a single syllable last name. Coincidence? Who is to say what divine kismet is involved? However, I would like to point out that Brad Smith fits.

Oh, yeah. Ms. Igert, a Mizzou fan and a Packer fan, is nodding in agreement.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

From Our Department of Unintended Consequences Desk

Pack a large number of disparate people in an enclosed area, moving slowly, and what do you have? A tempting target:

Stepped-up screening procedures at Los Angeles International Airport that were designed to make flying safer have created another potential vulnerability: long lines that are a "tempting target for terrorists," security experts said Friday.

The answer, obviously: Spend more money:

Rand Corp. researchers recommended in a 47-page report that airlines and federal officials spend $4 million a year to add skycaps, ticket agents and screeners to speed travelers through lines in terminal lobbies and on sidewalks and into the secure gate area — where they would be less vulnerable to attack.

Spend more money ($4 million a year to start), add more procedures, and then herd the people into a more "secure" enclosed space where they'll still be a target.

Man, how can I get paid for bad ideas? I have a million of them! At $10 each, I would be rich!

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:07 AM 0 comments

I, Robot; Well, Not I, Personally

I got an opportunity this weekend to see I, Robot, the 2004 film starring Will Smith and "suggested by" Isaac Asimov. In between shots designed to remind us that Will Smith has been working out, it wasn't a bad film. Not even a bad story. I don't remember if I've read the book--I remember mistaking it in my memory for Caves of Steel, which means I'm ultimately as reliable of a narrator as anything you'd find in a Philip K. Dick novel, but that's neither here nor there.

Regardless, I thought I might comment upon those people who often unfavorably compare a movie to its source novel or an Alan Dean Foster novel compared to the original movie. Crikey, people, understand that the two are different media, with different ways of presenting a sometimes common story, which might differ in incidents and characters.

I mean, let's face it, when you're arguing about which presentation is best, you're arguing about whose translation of The Iliad is best. Lattimore? Lombardo? Presented with the choice, undoubtedly an ancient Greek would shake his fist at both books and say that either one ruins the story because the dry text removes the storyteller's inflections and ability to alter the content for the audience.

So yeah, although I think the original Battlestar Galactica was a triumph of storytelling and mythmaking, I won't automatically discard the new rendition because Starbuck's a hot chick, and I wasn't prejudiced against I, Robot the movie simply because it wasn't faithful to the Isaac Asimov original.

And I don't want to ruin it for you, but don't remember early, as I did, that Deckard was a replicant.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:03 PM 0 comments

Book Review: Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz (2003)

I bought this book earlier this year, for full price (minus 30%) from Borders because I didn't think I read enough contemporary fiction, or perhaps genre fiction, or maybe just good fiction. I was right; I read this book in under two days from the previous fiction book I read, which is some number of weeks less than it took me to read the penultimate fiction book. Maybe I shouldn't buy all of my books for under a dollar.

So, onto Odd Thomas. This is the first Koontz I've read, undoubtedly influenced by those strange disembodied voices I heard telling me to read Odd Thomas--that is, the radio commercials for it. So I gave it a whirl, and I liked it. But since this is "horror" fiction, I have to compare Koontz to Stephen King, and I like them both so far, but each has different strengths.

The first person narrator of this book engaged me immediately, and the voice carried me through the book. The book builds a lot of small incidents into a climax of less scope than a King book, but the voice carries the reader. King's books begin with what the dark half in The Dark Half would call the wetwork; third person narration, with each character likeable, but inevitably they start dropping like flies pretty early.

On the other hand, King's foreshadowing is more subtle; although Koontx does the same, it's obvious that the paragraphs he dedicates to foreshadowing are foreshadowing; however, I forgive him that.

The book deals with a 20-year-old fry cook in a desert community in California who sees dead people. When a stranger comes into the diner where he cooks, followed by a number of shadowy harbingers of bloodshed, Odd Thomas knows trouble is coming. And as he badly foreshadows, the trouble will change his life and that of his town, Pico Mundo, forever.

That's a shorter summary than you'll get on the dust jacket, but it will take you not much longer to read the book.

And I don't want to spoil anything for you, but Deckard was a replicant.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:02 PM 0 comments

Read This Nuance

Over the weekend, I read an article in the Kansas City Star which explained that John Kerry's debate weakness was that he was too cerebral and nuanced. I couldn't find it for my wife, but here's another piece of the same flavor, written by the AP and courtesy of the Kansas City Star.

Lead sentence:

This fall's presidential debates will pit George W. Bush's folksy manner and big-picture brand of policymaking against John Kerry's more cerebral outlook and nuanced world view.

Kerry's superiority:

On paper, Kerry would seem to have just the right resume to thwack the president in this type of setting. A high school and college debate champ with two decades of Senate repartee under his belt, Kerry knows intimately the details of policymaking and how to argue any side of an issue.

Bush's "strength":

The president, by contrast, is rarely accused of offering too much information. He is militantly "on message," often repeating a few set points over and over.

"Bush debates the way Chris Evert plays tennis - no unforced errors," says Democrat Paul Begala, who played the part of the president in rehearsals with Al Gore for the 2000 debates. "He doesn't get out of his game. He won't try to get into philosophy and nuance and deep thinking."

The debates:

Kerry, by contrast, "really has no facial expression," says Lakoff. "He just talks. ... I think Kerry's long sentences and lack of intonation and facial expression say, 'Yes, I'm very smart but I'm kind of phoning it in.'"

Jurgen Streeck, a communications professor at the University of Texas at Austin, said that while Kerry is not a very lively communicator, the debates may provide a good setting to showcase him as "a thoughtful speaker."

Bush, meanwhile, must guard against smugness.

"He has that kind of smirk," says John Fritch, head of the communications department at the University of Northern Iowa and director of the National Debate Tournament. "Given the issues that we're dealing with, the casualties in Iraq, an inappropriate smile will not go over well."

Says Begala, "If I were prepping Bush, I would warn him about crossing the line from self-confident to cocky. People like his self-confidence but there are moments, particularly when he's jacked up on adrenaline, when he crosses that line."

Go read the whole article, and you tell me if the point isn't that Kerry's smart, but comes off as too smart, and that Bush is not as smart but more self-assured, almost cocky.

Of course, this is AP, which Powerline has identified as a field office for the Kerry campaign anyway.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:26 PM 0 comments

Book Review: Melancholy Baby by Robert B. Parker (2004)

Okay, I cannot tell you much about this book because it just came out today, and my beautful wife hasn't read it yet, so I cannot give away the details, except:

It's a Sunny Randall book.
Parker continues to explore his femispenser side, which I think involves doubting yourself, paying not only attention to your clothes but also your makeup, and crying. Crikey, I think I must have learned everything I know about writing women characters from him.
Needs more gun play. Like Checkov said, if you see the big bald black guy in act one, he must fire a couple rounds by act three.
The Parkerverse crossovers continue; in the last Spenser book, Spenser passed an unidentified Sunny Randall walking her dog, and in this book....Well, I cannot tell you, but rest assured, this will undoubtedly culminate in a Spenser, Jesse Stone, Sunny Randall, Jackie Robinson, Wyatt Earp, race horse, and Spiderman cross over you won't want to miss! Until next time, Excelsior!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:05 PM 0 comments

My Congressman Hardly Working

Todd Akin, R. MO, wrote legislation to bar Federal courts including the Supreme Court from hearing cases trying to strike down the words Under God from the Pledge of Allegiance.

If legislators have nothing better to do than curtail checks and balances upon their powers, perhaps it's time to cut them down to part time and reduce their salaries accordingly.

(Text of HR 2028: Pledge Protection Act of 2003.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:23 PM 0 comments

Worthy Causes

Beer for Soldiers

Books for Soldiers

The combination, of course, would be Late Night Philsophical Rambling Discussions for Soldiers, but leave that to them.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:44 AM 0 comments

Laying to Rest an Old Friend

I don't know why I felt the need to post this; perhaps because I spent yesterday reviving and relighting old clone (remember when we called them "clones"?) boxes, including my first foray into Windows 95, an old Packard Bell Pentium 233 (but with MMX technology, werd) which I bought to go in my first apartment in 1998.

This journal entry was written on an old 286-10 box running MS DOS 4.0 and LotusWorks. But I guess we'll come to that by and by.

January 24, 1992

I laid to rest an old friend today. A friend I had known for years, since the beginning of high school. A friend that was always there for me, that I could depend on for a little recreation when I needed it, to impose logic on the topsy-turvy world that adolescence too often proves to be has been placed in the box.

I do not speak of a friend placed in his or her coffin, but rather of my old Commodore 64 home computer. I prefer to think of it as a personal computer, or even a friend. We shared a lot of time together, and I began to feel affection for it, I have discovered now that I have had to put it in the closet.

We first met toward the end of my middle school career in a little hamlet in Missouri where there were few actual people to waste my time on. It was a Christmas gift from my mother, a treasure than in its prime of its technology, the creme-de-la-creme of personal computers. Its actual position in the marketplace and high standing among its users was of little concern to me. It was a COMPUTER. And it was MINE.

It is hard to trace the actual roots of my affection for it in our early relationship. We played a few games together, trivial things now that I reflect on them. But a bond was developing as I fought my way through waves of defending Russians in Rush'N'Attack and evil martial artists in Yie Ar Kung Fu. My old Commodore kept me entertained on nights when the rain rumbled upon the roof of our mobile home or when I was grounded for some minute infraction of the house rules.

Then, as the time we had known each other became measured in months and then years, I grew to learn more about it. Commodore Basic 2.0 was my second language and Spanish only my third. I learned how to program it and make it do what I wanted. It was a novel way of impressing my family, a modern version of the old after-dinner talent shows. Aunts and uncles would come into my room to see what incredible feats I could perform with my toy. We were a team, a Mutt-and-Jeff, a duo, inseparable. I was the brains and it was the brawn.

As most children (or at least those who read the Great Brain books by John D. Fitzgerald) are, apt to consider themselves bold entrepreneurs, we became partners in a series of hare-brained schemes to make ourselves rich. The abortive attempts included a weekly advertising circular, which my Commodore could not handle with any success, and a pay-per-download program service. Neither got very far, but it was not due to a lack of an effort by my faithful computer. The only way it could help me in my attempts at wealth was a secondary position in my lawn-mowing business as a sign-maker.

It helped me with school, too. I used its word-processing abilities to write papers throughout high school, printing them in low-quality dot matrix type when other students were still handing in handwritten research papers. It also saw my first stumbling attempts at novels, hidden away somewhere yet on disks for future generations to view and snicker.

Our relationship faltered as I moved on to college. My time dwindled and my needs changed. I bought a new computer that now occupies the center of my desk, the old Commodore banished to some dark corner of my new room. Our relationship did not die suddenly, for it was still present if I needed a quick game of Tetris to easy my mind or distract me from some impending paper. The usage dwindled, however, and its main function of late has been acting as a dust cover for the corner of a desk. When it came time to clean my room, I came to terms with the distance between us and finally had to make the decision to put it away.

With heavy heart I unplugged the various cords and carefully wound them. I placed the components of the Commodore in its new home gingerly, fearing I might damage its fragile innards by this simple act as opposed to the numerous falls it has suffered over the years. I looked at all the software I had acquired over the years, some games unsolved and some utilities unopened. I then sifted through the stacks of computer related printouts I had accumulated, the half-completed programs and game notes offering a testimony to its past usefulness, and almost pleading for a reprieve.

If the computer were alive, it would dread the threat of the box. I will probably never use it again. The box is a veritable coffin for computers, the bottom of the closet its graveyard. It now rests in peace with my old TIs, other relics of the early years of the computer revolution. I fear I will not use it again, only store it until such a time as I no longer care about it enough that I can throw it away.

Just plastic and silicon and little chips. The dreams and aspirations, the triumphs and tragedies of a million games and a million dreams shared. Goodbye old friend.

If it brings a tear to your eye, you're definitely a geek. Probably reading this on a Linux box, too, you psycho.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:46 AM 0 comments

Overdisclosure

Ever had one of your favorite undergarments rust from repeated trips through the washing machine?

What, is it just me?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:43 AM 0 comments

Book Review: A Death of Honor by Joe Clifford Faust (1987)

I bought this book for $1.00 at Hooked on Books in Springfield, Missouri, and it should serve as something of a reminder to me. Avoid the books with the red dots on the spine. If the book store puts them on carts outside, it's because they don't care if someone steals the book.

All right, it's late and I am being melodramatic; the book's not that bad, but its pacing reminded me of walking through thigh-deep water in blue jeans. Sure, it's occasionally cool, occasionally exciting, but you've got to slog a way to get there.

The book is set in a 1987 dystopian future, where the Soviets have pretty much overrun Europe and the East, Canada and Mexico have sealed their borders to isolate us to not piss off the Soviet hegemon, and the only free country is Australia, and everyone wants letters of transit to the promised former penal colony--which is why when Ugarte....sorry, wrong plot there. But America has militarized into a fascist state, where the state raises children and rewards people for procreation. As a result, society revolves around dance clubs with copulation chambers in the back. In this world of countless constitutional amendments and daily terrorist bombings by one aggrieved group or another, crime investigations often fall to the primary suspects--who can exercise their 31st and look into crimes of which they're accused.

This amendment comes in handy when Payne, a bioengineer, finds a corpse in his apartment. After the authorities come several hours after Payne calls them, they leave a yellow claim ticket that gives Payne permission, under his 31st amendment rights, to all materials the authorities gather; Payne originally decides to not investigate on his own, but he's attacked by someone who wants the ticket, so he decides to investigate. Fortunately, he's a bioengineer, because some biology is involved. Interspersed with the interpersonal melodrama in Payne's life and the exposition about the state of the world, Payne does a lot of meticulously and dryly detailed technical things with lab equipment. Perhaps this can be done now. Perhaps it's something in a biologist's current fantasies. Who am I to care? Just the reader, and fortunately a dedicated one at that.

But, as I indicated, the plot offers just enough interest through the first half to make you think maybe, maybe it's going to pick up. And it does, around page 140 (of 273). Finally, action moves along more quickly than explication, revelation replaces mere investigation, or at least the pages turned; perhaps the wind was just blowing more from a righterly direction to give them a good tail wind.

So it's not a good pick up if you're looking for a set-in-the-dark-near-future sci fi novel, or a medical thriller, to both of which this book undoubtedly aspires. However, it's an interesting and heartening bit of historical perspective into the fictional nightmares projected from current evens that are now history. I mean, encircled by the Soviets, with even Mexico against us, and nary a Wolverine in sight? How strangely inspiring that our own current dark times might be so suddenly resolved, all of our worst fears overturned by resolution and confrontation of danger.

Until our future current dark times arrive, of course.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:14 PM 0 comments

But That's Not Cat5 Cable!

Sheesh, what a messy geek house we have. Coax cable strewn over the guest beds and everything; it's a lucky thing I am creepy and off-putting, for if we had guests, I don't know where the sundry electrical equipment would go if we needed the space for overnight guests.

Fortunately, Dominique has learned to make do:

Click for full size

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:14 AM 0 comments

Steinberg on Federal Nations

Here's his potshot from today's column:

George W. Bush's claim that our goal is to install democracy in Iraq is a recipe for quagmire. Iraq is a Frankenstein's monster of sects cobbled together by the British, a non-nation that flies apart without a tyrant holding it together. America can't be the new tyrant.

The United States is also a Frankenstein's monster of sects, races, and lifestyles cobbled together which seems to hold together without a tyrant.

Which isn't to say that certain leaders aren't in favor of a tyranny of our betters in Washington.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:19 AM 0 comments

Ask A Simple Question

Bob Rybarcyzk: Is it uncool for a guy to be addicted to 'Sex [in the City] '?

Yes, it is. Man, I sincerely he's trying to impress his girlfriend by professing to the world his abiding love for her favorite television show. Since he's afraid to say those three little words in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

Someone send that guy a testosterone emergency kit, stat!

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:01 AM 0 comments

I'm An FBI Agent....Female Body Inspector

Because Federal law enforcement is running out of things to do, our legislators are now going to make video voyeurism a Federal crime. Here's a wonderful quote from Wisconsin representative James Senselessbrainer:

"With the development of smaller cameras and the instantaneous distribution capability of the Internet, the issue of video voyeurism is a huge privacy concern," House Judiciary chairman F. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wisc., said after the vote on the second bill.

Also newly illegal on the Federal level: selling "counterfeit labels" attached to copyrighted material including DVDs, CDs or computer programs.

Keep this in mind the next time you gather pitchforks and torches and stakes to march on John Ashcroft's castle or raise your voice into the harmonized kennel whine bemoaning how George W. Bush is crushing civil liberties and implementing a police state, remember who's really giving the executive branch the powers it uses.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:48 AM 0 comments

Hanging with Malkin

Yeah, I am down with the whole cam locking thing, as I spent far too much of my evening assembling a new pressboard file cabinet. Sure, it's a step above Sauder and it's a nice shade of cherry (until it's a nice shade of cherry scarred into dappled beauty of revealed pressboard), but come on, it's the hot dog of wood with painted plastic relish.

I don't want to dwell on the fact that Michelle Malkin has a home office done in pressboard; cripes, I was hoping to escape into the rarified world of furniture that will last to be antiques, made of real wood, and not just pine or maple. But if she cannot escape it by becoming a prized public intellectual, successful columnist, best selling author, and glamourous IMAO t-shirt model, what hope have I?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 PM 0 comments

Aiiiiiiiiieeee! My Eyes

Courtesy of a French, or Quebecker, reader, or perhaps someone who wanted to yank my chain, Google translated my page into French today.

I think I'll take a poll of what looks the most wrong on the page. My vote:

un "certain branleur."
Kim du Toit,
sur la bibliothèque de Noggle.

Being berated by Kim du Toit in French.

I'm not sure to whom that's more insulting.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:13 PM 0 comments

Hot Pix Here, Somewhere, Apparently

Now that I have upgraded my Sitemeter account to make up for the impending demise of bStats, Blogger's hit tracker, I get to see search engine search words. Clearly. Unfortunately for me.

Because I don't want to know who's searching for kangaroo copulation picture.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:49 AM 0 comments

No Irony To See Here, Move Along

From Mandrake Linux's download page:

Since Mandrakelinux is an Open Source product, it needs your financial contribution. Developing a Linux distribution is very costly, so it's up to the community of users to ensure its health. Do you want to help Mandrakelinux become even more robust and powerful? Would you like to see Mandrakelinux become the next standard operating system?

Before downloading our products, we ask for your support by joining the Mandrakelinux Users Club. The Club was created to fund the development of the Mandrakelinux distribution and to pay the salaries of employees who are dedicated to "external" Free Software projects such as the Linux kernel, KDE, GNOME, Prelude, and others. The Mandrakelinux Club also provides attractive benefits to its members such as specialized Internet services and download of many extra-applications.

Free Software can only remain healthy with your financial support, so please join the Mandrakelinux Users Club today.

I understand that's why some communities--called "companies"--charge money for things.

It's organic socialism, and I don't mind it a bit; however, applying the same concepts to government leads to all kinds of irritation on the part of us heartless fiscal conservatives.

In case you're wondering, I didn't download from the Mandrake page; I'd rather pay for the convenience of having a set of CDs and some rudimentary documentation without having to read through a bunch of developer-created documentation scattered among Web pages.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:36 AM 0 comments

Forget the Butler

In testimony why he suspected Scott Peterson in Laci Peterson's death, detective Craig Grogan unloads his litany of probable cause:

Grogan, the lead investigator on the case, told jurors Monday that there was a lot about Scott Peterson that made him suspicious. Peterson was the last person to see his wife alive, the first person to find her gone, he had an odd alibi and it looked as though the former fertilizer salesman had been making concrete anchors in his warehouse.

There you have it. If you're married to a murdered housespouse and you work outside the home, obviously you kill him or her because you're the last to see him or her and the first to notice him or her gone.

Definitely another argument against marriage and cohabitation, or perhaps against interpersonal relationships at all. Never see anyone! It's the only way to be safe.

(Public service note: don't blog hungry; lack of blood sugar makes on note something silly and leap to spurious assertions. It's the only excuse I can think of.)

UPDATE: Noun/pronoun agreement now corrected, dear.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:43 AM 0 comments

Kerry on Letterman, The Review

Ann Althouse reviews John Kerry's appearance on The Late Show last night, and she knocks it:

Kerry cranked out a dismal performance on David Letterman's show last night. He alternated between rerunning lines from his stump speech and plodding through scripted jokes. Unlike Nixon on "Laugh-In" and other candidates who've used pop culture shows successfully, Kerry did not use self-deprecating jokes. He attacked Bush and Cheney and used "Halliburton" as a punchline.

Compare and contrast Kerry and Bush's campaign speeches. Bush cracked jokes at his own expense, Kerry, not so much.

When you're wound tightly into defending your gravitas and authenticity and nuanced intelligence, you have to fear that any crack you put in that image with your self-deprecating humor will cause a complete collapse of the public's understanding of your qualification to lead the country, which is your own sense of worth.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:06 AM 0 comments

Almost Live Blogging Monday Night Football

So I am watching Monday Night Football because tonight is the only night of the year where I can root for the Philadelphia Eagles, and all I have to say is:

At least Ahman Green didn't fumble on the one inch line yesterday.

It's a reference to what Daunte Culpepper of the Minnesota Vikings did, you damn non-suburbanites.

Man, I need a life.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:33 PM 0 comments

Hey, What Kind of E-Mail Is That?

In my e-mail box today:

An interesting e-mail

Perverts.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:29 PM 0 comments

Behold the Power of Bureaucracy

After putting a 3 inch nail into his finger, a Scottish man went to his state-run hospital's ER -- and waited 22 hours before leaving with the nail still in his finger.

Keep that in mind: when every American has health care provided by the government, those who accept that level of help will get care on par with the level of service doled out by the tenured functionaries that serve in departments of social services throughout the country. Meanwhile, those who can afford it, and that will include everyone who makes the mandates, will go to private caretakers. Unless they ban private practice, mandaters exempted, of course.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:25 PM 0 comments

What I Like

Man, there's nothing that does it for me more than a an attractive young woman in black fingernails showing two middle fingers like Avril Lavigne does in this photo shoot for Maxim.

For me, the mighty flip off is a personal gesture tied to a particular, intimate emotional response I have to another single person. I find Lavigne's deployment of that private act in a photo spread to cheapen the actual act itself, the one I share with people of whom I disapprove, especially those driving SUVs who turn from parking lots onto a road where I am traveling 45 miles per hour.

I know, undoubtedly Lavigne's image masters would indicate that the bird-shooting indicates Avril's punk attitude. She's demonstrating her disdain for all things traditional, blah blah blah. But grinning while showing the middle fingers to the camera only indicates the theatrical, inchoate nature of the "rage." She doesn't mean anything by it, and even if she did, her negative energy is directed at everything and anyone, not against transgressors or actual particular events worthy of cathartic demonstration of defiance.

Plus, it kinda looks like she's flipping me off, and although I have seen plenty of attractive women gleefully making dismissive and embarrassing gestures at me, each one still hurts.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:57 PM 0 comments

Honoring The Dead

Not so with someone to politicize the dead--especially her son:

Seth, 24, was in debt after he graduated from Rutgers University in 2002. He joined the army for money and skills that, he was told, would help land him a job with the CIA or FBI -- his dream jobs. "Not for patriotism," said his mother, Sue Niederer, who is now an anti-war activist.

Congratulations, mudder, you have just called your son a calculating mercenary who went into the military only for money and job experience.

Sheesh, I hope my mother doesn't affront me when eulogizing me. But she's a Marine, so (aside from that) she's got some sense.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:50 AM 0 comments

Pick Me Up

But, on a happier Packer note, I received my annual Packer Pro Shop catalog, and of her own accord, my beautiful wife selected something for herself out of the extensive lingerie section.

So, in addition to my Brett Favre jersey, I'll have something else to anticipate eagerly. And it ain't the stained glass table lamp.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:22 PM 0 comments

Half Staff

Set all Packer flags to half staff today as we mourn the loss to the Chicago Bears today:

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:23 PM 0 comments

Introducing the Wife to a Classic

Not only is it purportedly the President's favorite movie, but Big Trouble in Little China attains legendary status because it combines the prodigious talents of Al Heong and James Hong....not to mention Gerald Okamura, best known for his turn as the master in 9 1/2 Ninjas (which is unbelievably not yet on DVD!)

Face it, the movie depicts the lampooned American hero, out of his depth and slightly inept in the face of the world, but with a good heart and good reflexes, he manages to save the day. Conservatism at its best. You hear Rush Limbaugh doing his radio show tongue in cheek, lightly mocking himself....you hear Al Franken doing that? Perhaps I would, if I listened.

I watched this movie over and over on Showtime when I was in high school, and over and over on VHS taped from Showtime when I was in college. As a matter of fact, for my Scriptwriting class, when our group was assigned to create the pitch for a television series, I dominated the group into producing Tales from the Pork Chop Express. And now I have shared it with la luz de mi vida.

And she said it was okay.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:06 AM 0 comments

Disparity

Headline: U.S. Weapons Inspector: Iraq Had No WMD.

Lead paragraph:

Fallen Iraqi President Saddam Hussein did not have stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, but left signs that he had idle programs he someday hoped to revive, the top U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq concludes in a draft report due out soon.

Considering that actual shells with chemical weapons have been found, that logically refutes the "no," but I suspect logic remains outside the grasp of some AP reporters.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:58 AM 0 comments

Good Form, Peter

I heard a radio ad for the Law Firm of Gurreri, O'Malley, and Gonzalez and visited their Web site at We Break Legs.com.

Amusing and effective.

Too bad they don't have the audio of the radio ad, though.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:13 AM 0 comments

A Photoshopper Rises to the Challenge

At Asymmetrical Information, Mindles H. Dreck photoshops the CBS logo. Very well.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:54 AM 0 comments

Aunt Hazel Says

Why don't the Chicago Bears have a Web site?

Because they can't put three Ws in a row.

(Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker, as told to Jay Weber on WISN.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:46 AM 2 comments

Where Is the Spirit of the Internet?

Come on, guys, when do we get to do some photoshops of the CBS logo? Here are some to get you started:

Alternate CBS Logo 1

Now get to it!

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:02 AM 0 comments

The Chicks Dig It

I'm flattered that everyone who has signed up for Vote or Not through this blog has so far been a woman. Wow, my blog is the babe magnet.

It's got to be the hat. Or the vast nostril.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for signing up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:52 AM 0 comments

In East St. Louis, He Would Have Been Ticketed

In Whitehorse, Canada, a Black Lab took a truck for a drive:

A pedestrian in a Whitehorse suburb was taken aback Tuesday night when a dog drove by in a red pickup truck.

Police say a person was out for a walk when the truck with a black Labrador at the wheel passed by.

When police arrived, the truck was in the middle of Thompson Road in Granger, blocking traffic. The dog was still behind the wheel.

All's well that ends with no fatalities in Canada:

There were no injuries or damages, and no indication from police they plan to charge the owner.

Which is unlike East St. Louis, where the dog would be ticketed for driving without a license and without insurance and the owner charged with endangering an animal.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 AM 0 comments

Book Review: Buck Rogers: A Life in the Future by Martin Caidin (1995)

I bought my copy of this book at Downtown Books for $3.95 because I was feeling extravagant, and because I liked the second television show. TSR, the former role playing game company commissioned this book to promote its former role playing game, which was based not on the television show but on the original books from the 1930s (but not the film serial). So I read the book bearing in mind the comparisons that sprang from its precedents.

And the book lacks.

Of course it's a role playing game novel. It features five adventures put together into a loose campaign, wherein Buck is updated from a World War I pilot to a 1990s ace who is purposefully suspended by a secret military program. After his revival in the 25th century, each of Buck's adventures goes through the common RPG cycle: going to the store (wherein Buck and the reader are innundated with technical detail to increase the plausibility of the 25th century technology); briefing (wherein Buck and the readers receive the salient explication laid out by the ~~dungeon master~~ superior officer); adventure (wherein Buck does neat things in a progression of exotic locations); and debriefing (wherein Buck receives his experience points and resulting promotion in level/rank and the ~~dungeon master~~ superior officer gives the hook for the next adventure). Unfortunately, in Caidin's presentation, this cycle is too obvious, and the formula too patented and used with appropriate license from the company that owns all role playing gaming concepts.

So it was a brief, mildly entertaining read crushed under the weight of its own rule books and descriptions of the items, back story, and rules of the game.

The back of the book features a reprint of the original Buck Rogers origin from the 1930s, which provides a means of comparison between the eras. So the book's best impact is as a source of an alternate retelling of the myth. But it's not a very good primary source to enjoy on your own.

One final note: Defense of Michelle Malkin's thesis from her new, often-assailed book In Defense of Internment: The Case for Racial Profiling in World War II and the War on Terror comes in the darndest places. Here's a bit from page 309, wherein the sudden spy revelation, well, reveals the spy to be Japanese:

The Japanese used secret agents on a long-term basis. They would plant their people in a foreign land for years. They were part of the local community, a fifth column, so to speak. Then, when Japanese forces made their moves, they always had amazing knowledge of defenses and how to get through them. By now it was getting obvious we had some kind of agent on our hands."

Undoubtedly, this is one of the reasons why the reviewers for this book call it RACIST!!!! I'm not historical scholar, so I cannot attest to the historical accuracy of the assertion, but I attest that the book's not racist. It presents different racial groups such as the Mongols and the Chinese as different, with different agenda that oppose the main characters. Antagonists of another race or ethnic group is not racism in and of itself, but keep trying, kids.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:36 PM 0 comments

Party Like It's 1989

Hot or Not in ASCII.

Damn, look at the semi-colons on her!

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:03 AM 0 comments

Neil Steinberg: On the Wrong Side of History

From today's column:

The New York Times turned its attention to men's hats last month. Hats, it said, are enjoying "an unforeseen resurgence" in popularity. The "unforeseen" is puzzling, since the media have been announcing men's hats are back regularly for the past 40 years.

"Hats are back," the Fresno Bee noted last year. "Hats are once again cool," the Tulsa World wrote in 2002. In 2001, the Chattanooga Times Free Press trumpeted "hats are back." In 2000, the Chicago Tribune suggested "the hat is making a comeback."

"Hats," the Minneapolis Star Tribune observed in 1999, "are back." And on and on and on.

But hats are not back, and probably are never coming back, though the reason why is lost to general memory. Everyone has seen old photographs of crowds at baseball games, and marveled at the unbroken sea of hats. What we do not realize is that many, perhaps most, of those men hated wearing hats, which were expensive, easily lost and a bother. They all wore hats because they had to.

I say hats never went out of style.

I'll hold him, Brock; you hat him.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 AM 0 comments

You Know Who I Feel Bad For?

Miikka Kiprusoff.

He had to stand in the St. Pete Times Forum with his mask up, waiting for the final handshake after the Tampa Bay Lightning beat his Calgary Flames in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Last night, he had to do the same thing in Toronto after Canada beat his country's team in the World Cup last night.

Jeez, he's going to apotheosize into a bonafied underdog.

(Yes, I did just coin the verb bonafy, which henceforth shall mean "become authentic." Feel free to use it amongst yourselves.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:03 AM 0 comments

Spurious Assertion

Progressive Insurance trades insurance discounts for little boxes that track on users' driving habits.

Progressive chairman of the board Peter B. Lewis has given over fourteen million dollars to pro-Democratic 527 groups.

Vast Left Wing Conspiracy uniting politicians and corporations to strip privacy from common citizens? You read it here first!

Cock your tin foil helmet to a rakish angle and follow me.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:59 PM 0 comments

Pajama Blogging

Like many bloggers, I blog in my pajamas:

Because I take off the jacket for bed, but not the hat.

Criminey, one session as a model during a photo shoot and suddenly I think my face should be all over the Internet. Who am I to talk about hubris?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:35 PM 0 comments

In Touch with Middle America

In this month's Playboy, in between alternate Bush-bashing and baring, a round table entitled "Rip. Burn. Die." gathers music industry insiders to discuss the problems and challenges within the industry. While discussing exhorbitant concert prices, two known figures offer nuggets of insight into the little man's mind set:

John Mayer:
We charge around $40 for a ticket, which isn't a lot of money. Twenty-three year old kids have $40 to spend on a concert. They may say they don't, but they do.

(John Mayer doesn't point out that $40 represents almost seven hours' of labor at minimum wage. Factor in the convenience fee applied to a ticket, and you're looking at a full day's work. Now, imagine you're taking a date; that's Monday and Tuesday of your work week, which isn't a big deal to John Mayer. Now, say you've got a family, and you need parking for the minivan, and suddenly you're not buying any souvenirs or food, and the concert's not that much of a good entertainment value, but who am I to complain? I've already been to one whole concert this year.)
Sharon Osbourne:
We could charge more, but with what's going on with unemployment in this country, we want to keep ticket prices down.

(Ms. Osbourne doesn't mention that unemployment is still at a relative historical low, which means that if she had her druthers, the marked increase in ticket prices would be even more if she weren't afraid to lose more concertgoers, so she'll get in a little dig at the current president if she doesn't have anything else to say.)

Thanks for your insight, celebrities and those whose work provides them with a better-than-middle-class living which apparently has divorced them from fiscal realities here outside the stratosphere.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:50 PM 0 comments

Packer Flag Protocol

I've got a nice 3' x 5' Packer flag to fly this year, but now that I've got it, I'm not sure the protocol. I mean, my first inclination is to fly it on game day, and then on the following day when the Packers win. But I'm not clear on the protocol.

Any readers with the formal Packer flag protocol are encouraged to contact me with details. This Packer flag is serious business, and I do not want to besmirch Green Bay fans around the country by disrespecting the banner they hold dearly.

Note: No known Chiefs fans or Rams fans need reply. I am onto your tricks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:43 AM 0 comments

Global Warming Update

Scientists and policy makers think global warming probably continues unabashed, according to the simulations they run, and as a result, the United States should hobble its industry and become a socialist state like enlightened European failures-in-making:

Blair to urge US to take tougher action on global warming
Thanks, Tony, for calling for American action while overseas. How about talking to dirty-but-growing industrial Asian companies, who pump out greenhouse gases, soot, and air pollution that blow easterly towards our countries? No? Can't stop them because they don't have "enlightened" populations willing to commit seppukku over their unjust strength?

Why don't you spend time on possible dreams. Like getting the United States to adopt the Euro.
SAN FRANCISCO
'Cool gray city' projected to turn murderously hot
Temperatures likely to rise by mid-century as a result of global warming, study warns
Union of Concerned Scientists? Sounds like they might have an agenda outside of science, but it's remarkable that anyone can claim the mantle of "scientist" by writing computer simulations of things that might be instead of studying things that are where conclusions need to be repeatable.

But then again, I've never gotten a government grant, so what do I know about real science?

Meanwhile, after a notoriously cool summer:

Old Farmer's Almanac predicts colder, snowier winter for much of country

Time to break out the long underwear. The Old Farmer's Almanac is predicting a colder and snowier winter for a wide swath of the country.

The editor-in-chief says it'll be colder than average from the Rocky Mountains eastward.

The exceptions will be Montana, Wyoming, northern New England and the Appalachians, but even these areas will be very cold toward the end of winter.

More snow than usual is expected from the Great Lakes, across New England and down to the Middle Atlantic states, and from northeastern New Mexico, across northern Texas and Oklahoma, across the Ohio Valley to the Middle Atlantic.

The almanac is the oldest continuously published periodical in North America, making its debut in 1792. It also boasts a weather accuracy rate of 80 percent.

Maybe it's once again time to switch the unproven longterm meterologipolitical assertion back to global cooling brought on by industrialization.

Pardon me, fellows, but it's the height of hubris to know that the actions of this single species of man can so easily and irrevocably alter global and even celestial mechanisms of which we have incomplete understanding. I pray we don't all pay for the hubris of a few "enlightened" despots.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:25 AM 0 comments

Packerblogging

Live blogging the Packer game because I got nothing.

That's not a fumble, that's a lateral by other means.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:57 PM 0 comments

Think About It

Adobe: A sun-dried, unburned brick of clay and straw.

Acrobat: One who is skilled in feats of balance and agility in gymnastics.

So one would think that an adobe acrobat would be the idiomatic equivalent of a lead zeppelin or a stone kite; that is, something that doesn't fly very well.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:54 PM 0 comments

Tales from Pseudo-Bachelorhood Tape Delayed Live Blogging

As my beautiful wife has been riding the MS 150 this week, that's left me alone in the house with beer and DVDs. Allow me, then, to dramatically recreate the situation.

Friday night, 8:15 pm.
DVD: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World

Hey! That doctor guy kinda looks like Paul Bettany.

Friday night, 8:35 pm.
DVD: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World

Hey, that doctor guy is Paul Bettany.

Friday night, 11:12 pm.
DVD: North by Northwest

Title credits open on New York City, 1949. That's 55 years ago. Drop someone in modern business dress in it and they wouldn't look too out of place and could get along fairly well, no matter what lessons Pleasantville might have you believe.

Friday night, 11:23 pm.
DVD: North by Northwest

Hey, check out the Thornhill library; see those Classics Club volumes on the wall to the right, shoulder height? I collect those now, and I've got more than Thornhill does.

Friday night, 11:26 pm.
DVD: North by Northwest

Hmm, if I'm barely conscious and find myself behind the wheel of a speeding car, I think I could still find the brakes. Unless, of course, is was like a Model A with a hand brake or something.

Friday night, 11:32 pm.
DVD: North by Northwest

I still prefer Gary Cooper over Cary Grant. But that's probably because I saw him in The Fountainhead first, and I'm a hopelessly philosopharian idealogue whose ongoign experience is filtered through the paper of Ayn Rand.

Friday night, 12:40 am.
DVD: North by Northwest

Man, it's a business casual world; Cary Grant's in the hospital, and The Professor brings him slacks, a dress shirt, and dress shoes. Cary Grant goes housebreaking and rock climbing in those shoes. Crikey, my feet hurt just watching it.

Friday night, 12:59 am.
DVD: Lethal Weapon IV

Second tanker truck exploding tonight. First one hit by biplane. Second one by flying man. Funny, the bad guy in the beginning has a full automatic, but the group uses the words "Assault Weapon."

Friday night, 1:10 am.
DVD: Lethal Weapon IV

The four Lethal Weapon movies, completed over eleven years, have a remarkable internal structure; they retain much of the same cast throughout for even the bit parts, such as the police psychologist and Captain Murphy, not to mention the Murtaugh kids. They user similar jokes and everyone ages. I like it.

Friday night, 1:13 am.
DVD: Lethal Weapon IV

Hey, that's the dude from Office Space as the INS agent. Can he ever play a straight role again?

Friday night, 1:15 am.
DVD: Lethal Weapon IV

Let's not forget that Jet Li plays a bad guy in this one. Like Chuck Norris, I'm glad he's been a good guy in his later films.

Friday night, 3:05 am.
DVD: UHF

True story: in 1989, I did some manual labor for a bar owner in Milwaukee, and for 3 days of work, I got $60. That's three whole twenties, brother, and considering I was subsisting throughout high school on what I could earn by my wits and the dollar a day in lunch money I saved by not eating lunch, $60 was a bunch. So I had the opportunity to pick up a forty-five rpm single of M/A/R/R/S's "Pump Up The Volume" or seeing UHF in the theater with my last $10 of the wad. I took the record because I figured UHF would be in the theaters for a while. I was wrong.

UHF was also the first, and as far as I can remember, only movie I purchased on Pay-Per-View.

It was also one of the first DVDs we bought, and it's sat in the queue for a couple of years, but I cracked it open.

It featured Victoria Jackson at the height of her fame and Fran Drescher and Michael Richards before they were famous (which seems to have ended now), andGeneral Hospital's Luke.

And is it me, or does Weird Al just look wrong without the glasses nowadays?

Friday night, 5:05 am.

Cripes, I've got to get to bed.

Saturday, 12:00 pm.

I wish I could set the alarm for later, but I've got a family reunion.

Saturday, 8:04 pm.

Go, Canada! If the United States can't win the World Cup, at least it can be our plucky mascot country.

They used to be sidekicks, but they've stopped kicking.

Well, that's what I did this weekend. I'd enumerate what I ate, but it wasn't enough and it wasn't healthy. I'd enumerate what I drank, but this post is long and boring enough as it is, and I've got to whirl dervishly to clean this joint up before the hot woman arrives because chicks dig clean domiciles. Especially their own.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:24 AM 0 comments

The Most Censored Blogger in America?

Cartoonist Art Spiegelman drew some comic strips that the New Yorker magazine did not accept for publication, and now that he's gotten his time in the bright lights of the television cameras, he's rightfully claiming that he's been censored.

I know how that heavy burden of oppression feels, my friends, because on many occasions, I, too have been censored by the New Yorker, as this revealing photo proves:

Click for full size

Many times, the boot of Big Publication has stood upon my neck as I have written to express my own precious personal feelings and thoughts, and I have been censored! As a matter of fact, it's not just been the jackboot of Big Publication, but the centipede parade of Big Publication, Medium Publication, Literary and Little Publication, Regional Theatre, Literary Agents, and on occasion, Web zines.

For example, here we see the truncheon marks upon my psyche left by Bostonian brownshirts at the Atlantic Monthly:

Click for full size

You see, they have so many people to censor that they cannot afford to use a full sheet of paper! Also, the people at 666 Broadway, whose magazine I have sincerely and somewhat bitterly mocked on this very Web log, Harper's, have crushed my first amendment rights, but at least they used a full sheet of paper:

Click for full size

But it's not just the coastal barons who've silenced my voice. Speer Morgan's thugs at the Missouri Review have deprived me of my government-given right to expression at someone else's expense:

Click for full size

And here's one from Gardner Dozois at Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine. Extensive documentat analysis indicates that not only has The Manditor brought me down, but he didn't even sign the letter himself!:

Isaac Asimov Science Fiction Magazine rejection

Click for full size

And the list goes on and on. Here, a gang-censorship display from Playboy, Pleiades, and Poetry:

Click for full size

Does that make me the most censored blogger in America? The thickness of the stack might say yes

Click for full size

However, I think Art Spiegelman might answer, "No! I'm the martyr! Look at me, look AT ME!"

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:33 AM 0 comments

But At Least They Have Lifetime Warranties

All's quiet in International Space Stationopolis, when ~~Look! The Cavity Creeps!~~ the oxygen generators fail.

Not to worry, they have undoubtedly have a lifetime service and parts warranty.

The three Elektron units on board the space station are the last of their kind. The company that manufactured them has gone out of business, and the engineer who almost single-handedly made the final adjustments of flight units died several years ago. Reportedly he retained some "trade secret" about the final adjustments of the devices -- and it died with him.

Uh oh. I blame the Limited Liability Company business organization.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:10 AM 0 comments

Screw You, I Am A Capitalist

Hey, cheap land in Florida this year. Sweet!

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:35 AM 0 comments

Undoubtedly, It's The Expensive Version

In the video capture of the MTV interview with John Kerry that's available at The Daily Recycler, who else noticed the yellow thing flopping around on his arm?

John Kerry's yellow bracelet

No, kids, if you snap it off, you don't get a sexual favor. That's a Lance Armstrong rubber band for cancer, of which Heather has one.

One has to wonder if Johnk paid $1 for the version shared by the proletariat, or if his is a special, titanium mesh, gold-plated version.

Either way, he's sending us secret code that he's an active sports participant.

Sorry, honey, that I ruined it for you.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:57 PM 0 comments

I Mock Your Petty Conspiracy Theory

You want a conspiracy theory? Here's a conspiracy theory:

Osama bin Laden gives himself up next month.

You see, by sacrificing, but not quite martyring himself, bin Laden allows US forces to capture him so that the conspiracy nuts in the United States will throw the election to Kerry.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:18 AM 0 comments

Register and Win

I don't know how I feel about this: Vote or Not.org:

Hi. We're Jim Young and James Hong, better known to the users of our website HOT or NOT as just "Jim and James". You may be wondering why the heck we're doing this, so here's our explanation.

We want you, and every person that is eligible, to vote. This is something we feel passionate about. We know we're just 2 guys, but we believe that 2 guys with a good idea who are willing to work hard and put their time and money where their mouths are can make a difference... just like one person's vote - YOUR vote - can make a difference.

In a nutshell, we're doing this because we care, and because we can. We also like the idea of doing this because nobody else has done it before, and we like to do crazy, new things.

So register to vote if you haven't already done so, enter to win our money, and drastically improve your chances of winning by getting your friends to register too. We hope you win. (and if you do, it'd sure be nice if you took us out to dinner with some of that cash).

-- Jim and James

Not about getting people to vote; that these guys have $200,000 to give away. Envy? Oh, yeah.

Of course, if you must know how I really feel, click the above link and enter. If you win, the person who referred you gets $100,000. Since you haven't hit the tip jar recently, it's the least you could do for me.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:57 AM 0 comments

No Sympathy for the Devil (II)

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch likes to milk its previous stories for all they're worth, flogging horse skeletons to dust. For example, they recently discovered that elected fire protection boards tend to get paid lots of public money and that sometimes firefighters give the candidates whom they want to win money! Not satisfied with a multipart investigation, the Post-Dispatch carried on for weeks about the splash its story made with oversight groups and the state government; in each subsequent article, the Post-Dispatch mentioned, reluctantly and while kicking a toe shyly at the carpet that they originated the story.

But now, riffing off of the Bill McClellan column about how hard a time released felons have making it outside, the Post-Dispatch runs a story on the front page of its Sunday business page with the title Ex-convicts face a Catch-22 in job search.

Here's the "hook" anecdote that starts the article:

Dava Rogers says she applied at all kinds of jobs for a year, from fast-food restaurants to cleaners, with no success.

On every application, once she checked "yes" to having a criminal record, that was usually the end of it, said Rogers, 42. She served six months at the City Workhouse in St. Louis after being convicted of embezzlement from a former employer. She was released in 2002, but she found work only a year ago as a counselor in transitional housing for the YWCA.

"On the first few applications, I wouldn't check 'yes,' and then they would say if I explained it and didn't lie, they could've hired me," Rogers said. "When I was truthful, there was never a call back."

Personally, I have to wonder if it's not so much the checkbox in her case, but the If so, explain. portion of the question. I would have less trouble hiring a drug offender, a DUI person, a vandal, or any of the numerous other non-threatening felonies which continue to proliferate over someone who steals money from her employer.

I don't hear the St. Louis Post-Dispatch championing pedophiles who want to return to their birthday party clown jobs, but I didn't read the whole article. Undoubtedly, it's in there somewhere.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:21 PM 0 comments

The Right Way to Attract Business

When a juvenile detention center closed in Tarkio, Missouri, the residents, not the local government, joined their money and are looking to buy a business to move to the town.

Private, not government, action. Thank you, sir, may I have some more like this?

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:15 PM 0 comments

When Cleverness Fails

I've racked my brains and broke my wit to come up with a suitable surrounding joke where the punchline is a pun of malfeasance as mall fee seance.

Cripes, I'm not man enough to do it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:34 AM 0 comments

Book Review: Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken (2003)

I bought this book as a four books for four bucks selection from Quality Paperback Club, as the soft covers do less damage to the walls and furniture when I read, hm, opposing viewpoints. So that's why I paid over a quarter for this book, and my bookshelves and floor appreciated the comfortable soft binding.

In spite of Al Franken's best efforts, I learned two things from Al Franken's book:

It's important to remember, when someone tells you something, a fact or set of facts is being relayed to you through the prism of the teller's experience and interpretation, and your miles may vary; that is, when someone tells you something happened, remember to seek out other sources for a richer context of any event. Hey, even if you're present. More knowledge will lead to better judgment.
Al Franken is so full of excrement his hair should be brown? It is? My point, exactly!

Franken slaps around the label of liar widely. According to Franken's definition, anyone who builds an argument by presenting any group of facts in a light to build to a conclusion, unless that conclusion is Franken-approved, it's a LIE. Say that Walter Mondale chaired a committee that issued a report that concluded something, and you're a LYING LIAR who tells LIES if you don't say Mondale disagreed with the report. Got that? To avoid the LYING LIAR who tells LIES tag, which Franken would build into HTML 6.0 for his convenience, one must not only tell facts, but one must tell all facts, in all contexts.

Let's illustrate:

Prosecutors?	LYING LIARS who tell LIES
Defense attorneys?	LYING LIARS who tell LIES
Debate teams?	LYING LIARS who tell LIES
Philosophers?	LYING LIARS who tell LIES
Grad student writing theses?	LYING LIARS who tell LIES

You get the idea.

Franken illuminates, inadvertently but gleefully, the poison infecting our political discourse; a lack of empathy for people with other viewpoints, a recognition that perhaps we share common ground and we can discuss, even argue, our viewpoints honestly. Nah, never mind, anything with which we disagree is mendacity on the part of those with whom we disagree.

Franken likes to posit himself as an answer to Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, George Bush, The National Review, Sean Hannity, and other popular commentators on the other side of the political divide. Unfortunately, he lacks one component they do: they're arguing in good faith, even when they stoop to fire-and-brimstone rhetoric.

Franken's book is so over the top in its own mistruths that I couldn't stand it. Part canard, it recycles some of the basic talking points of George W. Bush's opposition without reflection, but not without invective. In other places, it blatantly presents its own misrepresentations; I particularly disliked the imaginative "Operation Chickenhawk" chapter, which imagined a mission in Vietnam led by John Kerry featuring a platoon comprised of Republican leaders who did not serve. An underground campus literary magazine would reject the piece if submitted by a college sophomore, but since it's Al Franken, it's worth printing in a book? Jeez, at least Motley Crue's filler material was sophomoric and prurient.

If pressed, undoubtedly Franken would respond that he's a comedian, not a thinker. That's a convenient cop-out. Sorry, Al, if you want to play, you've got to be subject to all the reasoned scrutiny I can muster after a couple beers. I give you an F, for Farce. Farce you.

I mean, to take this book seriously as a political statement would be like taking financial advice from Triumph the Comic Insult Dog.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:58 PM 0 comments

Do The Math, Poindexter

I have a good, but misguided, friend who recently laid the all about oil canard on me when discussing the fact that George W. Bush will invade Iran if re-elected, and it's all for their oil.

Yeah, that's a fantastic idea, Chester. Iraq and Iran, all about the oil there. Bush is diabolical enough to fight unpopular-enough wars costing billions of dollars halfway around the world to get whatever oil the freed societies will sell us, which might not be much (for example, Iraq's oil production ain't that much these days).

Come on, you naive people. If Bush were that evil, and if he were so Machiavellian to do anything to get his hands on the precioussss, he would:

Drill in ANWAR, like it or not.
The nation's parks and preserves have oil. Bush would just have to jail, shoot, or "disappear" hippies and environmentalist types to get to it. That's damn cheap.
Depose Chavez and install a protectorate in Venezuela.
Venezuela's right on the other side of the Caribbean. Nice and close, with a convenient dictator-like president-sort-of to depose. Transporting the oil back to the states would be damn easy, and not subject to expensive cross-Atlantic or whatnot travel. But you know how we could make transportation cheaper? A pipeline!
Secure the southern border, by making it narrower--and with Guatamala and Belize.
Our friends down south have recently discovered new off-shore oil fields which gives Mexico roughly 102 billion barrels, about as much as Iraq or Iran--and they're much closer. We could put a couple battle groups off of either coast and push right down from Texas or do some amphibious landings in Acapulco and Cozumel.

So we seal up the border and take care of cheap foreign labor in our auto plants by making them pay American minimum wage, and Bush gets his precioussss, not to mention retribution for the foosball drubbing Vincente Fox laid on him in early 2001. But why stop there?
Invade Canada.
Those "friends" to the north are sitting on the 22nd largest oil reserve in the world and they want to put all their rocks in the sling in get-tough trade negotiations with the American Goliath. You want to talk tough? We've got your tough right here.

In addition to the oil and the easy pipelines, it's politically expedient. Big Pharma will like the end of the drug reimportation threat, Canadian hockey teams will be saved because they'll get to charge ticket prices in US dollars, and most of Canada will enjoy our one-language policy that we'll enforce in Quebec.
Nuke China.
To preempt that threat, Bush could reduce China to rubble, thus easing other oil supplies from the burden of the Chinese industrialization and stockpiling.

So quit being lazy, Chesters, and start using your imaginations for your simpleton conspiracy theories, for crying out loud. Any one or several of the above options will provide us all the petroleum we need to ensure that no hotel room will go un-Vasolined into perpetuity.

Iraq, Iran, and our various Middle Eastern expeditions have more at stake than some precioussss oil, and I'm not going to say it again.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:26 PM 0 comments

Mexican Group Favors Human Sacrifice, Theocracy

Open the journalistic template of local Davids versus Wal-Mart Goliath stories for this story: Small group is fighting big-box store in Mexico. Gist:

A Wal-Mart-owned discount store rising a half-mile from the ancient temples of Teotihuacan has touched off a fight by a small coalition that doesn't want to see the big, boxy outlet from the top of the Pyramid of the Sun.

But with most people in the area supporting Wal-Mart, the group is waging a lonely battle for what it calls its defense of Mexico's landscape and culture.

The dispute in Teotihuacan - a town built next to the ruins of the 2,000-year-old metropolis - illustrates how the allure of low prices and U.S. lifestyles often wins out in Mexico, leaving traditionalists struggling to draw a line in rapidly shifting cultural sands.

Apparently, the group wants a return to rule-by-priests, human sacrifice, and war between the tribes in Mexico, because that's the heritage behind the Pyramid of the Sun and other great historical sites in Mexico.

Or could there be something else?

"We'd rather not have Mickey Mouse on top of the Pyramid of the Moon," says Emmanuel D'Herrera, a business owner in Teotihuacan, 30 miles north of Mexico City.

He's a business owner in danger of a little competition, but so are all the traditionalists who stand to lose a little commerce of their own whenever customers have a choice.

contends a tall sign will loom near the huge twin pyramids that draw hundreds of thousands of tourists annually, although a government-appointed archaeologist disputes that.

And while the store is visible from atop the pyramid, so are many other modern businesses and houses.

Probably D'Herrera's, too, but we notice he's not offering to raze his business or to spill his blood on the altar of traditionalism.

What does everyone else think about the Yanqui imperialists?

Underlining his group's lack of support, D'Herrera said probably 70 percent of the town's mostly poor residents support the new store because it will offer lower prices than the area's small shops.

Damn the unwashed, uneducated masses and their thirst for civilization over an oppressive past and cheap consumer goods over sustenance farming.

Funny how the papers and media alter their support for the common man when it suits their cognac-sniffing sensibilities, ainna?

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:39 PM 0 comments

Book Review: Never Live Twice by Dan J. Marlowe (1964, 1974)

At Hooked on Books, they have a bin of books marked Free with Purchase, so I always grab something. Once, I grabbed this book, and I have read it.

I've doubled the publication dates in the header because the book's obviously an early sixties pulp novel, with its lurid cover and almost cartoonish action prose. However, sometime between editions, the "author" updated the setting a decade, changing a World War II secret agent into a Korean vet seamlessly.

Oddly enough, the book is set in Florida, much like Cancel All Our Vows, and like the other book, it features an almost textually unremarkable sexual assault, wherein the main character forces his attentions on a woman because she's the type who needs it. By textually unremarkable, I mean that the book itself glosses over the assault as a matter of course--something reflective of the time and genre, probably.

Aside from that distasteful bit, the book's a good romp. A wife and her brother kill the drunkard husband by sending the husband's Cadillac into a canal when the husband's drunk. The moment the cold water hits the husband, though, he "comes to," thinking he's a secret agent in a Korean river. He's got to deal with his amnesia and to discover what's happened in the twenty years he's lost. Eventually, he recovers enough of his skills and his muscle tone (hidden beneath forty pounds of liquor) to break up a gun-running operation.

It's easy reading, action movies in 60,000 words, and I ate books like this up when I was in high school. Perhaps that's why I grew up misogynistic, my sensitivity destroyed by these books like the Greatest Generation and early boomers, who currently tut-tut hip-hop music for how it depicts women.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:56 PM 0 comments

Make Mine a Double

Jed at Boots and Sabers helps me with my reluctance to fly.

Make mine a double.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:47 PM 0 comments

Aaron Defends Arnold

Aaron of Free Will Blog defends Arnold Schwarzeneggar's RNC speech.

Remember my comments?

Of course you do. You're not the one who's been tippling on Dutch beer all evening.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

Stop Semicolon Abuse!

Headline of the day: Sunset Hills man shoots; kills alleged burglar

As one of the last regular users of the precious semicolon, I must protest whenever someone uses it incorrectly. It's easier than protesting apostrophe abuse, and it doesn't make on as hoarse.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:12 PM 0 comments

Book Review: Cancel All Our Vows by John D. McDonald (1953)

Well, I bought a used library paperback copy of this book from the St. Louis County Library as a discard, so I only paid a quarter for it. On the other hand, it is a used library copy of a paperback, so I am making no great investment in my personal collection. Still, I had not seen the book before, and I love John D. McDonald's Travis McGee books and most of his other books (if you're currently holed up in Florida, I heartily recommend you ride out the storm with Condominium).

This book precedes the heyday of John D. MacDonald's writing career. The earliest McGee novel hits the scene in 1964, and McGee will lament about the migration to Florida that takes place when air conditioners become prevalent. Cancel All Our Vows precedes that era; the main male character is an executive, and the storyline takes place in a heat wave from which the characters retreat.

Unlike most of MacDonald's other novels, this book is not crime fiction--a distinction blurred purposefully by the paperback publisher, who puts a gun on the cover even though one does not discharge anywhere in the book (what would Checkov say? Not, "Pardon me, we're looking for the nuclear wessels--that's another Checkov, you damn kids).

This book reminds me more of Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. Both deal with attitudes about adultery and marriage, and both are set in the decade after World War II--although Cancel All Our Vows was written 13 years before Valley of the Dolls.

This book deals with said executive, having a midlife crisis (both he and his wife are getting old--they're in their thirties! Undertakers are standing by!). When he meets the wife of a man he's just hired, he starts thinking that cheating might be the answer to his emotional doldrums. He's got a good house, a good wife, good job, good kids, the good life, but he's missing something. Something illicit sex might provide. His wife notices and thinks about a fling of her own. Unfortunately, at the last minute she decides she doesn't want to fling, but the college boy forces his attention on her, and they're all flung. So she's an adultress in her mind and in her husband's, and then he goes with the little twitcher who drew his attention in the first chapter, and they drop peyote or something after she talks all crazy about opening the doors to the darkness of their souls, and woo doggy.

At times I felt bad for the main characters, and at other times I wished that maybe some deserved violence would come. But it didn't, and the book ends on a more hopeful note than Valley of the Dolls.

These books are most interesting to me for the insights they offer into the mindsets of the past. These sort of conundrums continue to occur--Heather and I watched Lost in Translation last night, and some of the themes are similar--but the characters react so differently based on society's expectations at the time. Interesting.

Which is about the most resounding endorsement I can give this book. Don't pick it up expecting a crime book, no matter what Fawcett wants you to think. The ploy must have worked, for this paperback I have is dated 1987, some 43 years after its first printing, and it's because John D. MacDonald wrote the book, not because the book grips readers that much.

The end.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:50 PM 0 comments

Hope Is

The campaign worker, whose name badge indicated she was Ms. Kerry Edwards, walking up the driveway, past the pick-up truck with the American Flag, Green Bay Packers, and two George W. Bush stickers on it to rap on the door politely and ask Ms. Heather was home.

No, I told her, the Bush Cheney volunteer of the house was not home.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:47 PM 0 comments

Loneliness Is

Why was I the only one at the recycling facility with a W sticker on his vehicle?

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:58 PM 0 comments

Filling the Litany

This morning, as I was taking my empties to the recycling facility so that they could hold beer again, I heard John F. Kerry's response to the presidential radio address, where in Senator Marrybucks said:

mortgage payment, and still cover next semester’s tuition. And whether they’re going to be able to save for retirement or just have enough left over for a night at the movies.

Undoubtedly, some people will rejoice that John Kerry can get down rhetorically with the commen proletariat and empathize with their psychological discomfort. Unfortunately, John Kerry, in the interest of time, cut some of the best parts of his litany.

We here at mFBJN have done some crack investigative journalism, and by that I mean our staff did a little dumpster diving outside of JFK₂HQ in our constant effort to find discarded 3/4 full bottles of Pierre Ferrand Ancestrale Cognac, Pappy Van Winkle's Family Reserve Bourbon, or Jameson 15 Year Pot Still Irish Whiskey (discarded because the freshly-opened bottle "just tastes better") or unshredded credit card slips (which you think this crack investigative staff would prefer to find is for you to judge, gentle reader). In addition to a cool pair of cuff links, our staff found a list of the dilemmas that John Kerry cut to make his speech fit.

These dilemmas that John Kerry cut from his empathy for the hoi polloi include:

A $6000 road bike to ride during a single photo op, or a good used car to drive for four years or until it stops running.

That six thousand dollars can only be spent one way, friends. You want to know the strata of used cars? $6000 and up, or anything you buy from a new car dealer is a good used car; anything $1000 and up that you can buy from a used car lot is a questionable used car, anything over $200 that you get from the classifieds which runs for a year or maybe two if you're not afraid of brakeless driving is a fair used car, and anything you buy for $49 as salvage with the promise you'll fix it up is a poor used car.
A properly-tailored two piece suit, or an entire wardrobe for the children this year.
A flattering haircut by a trendy stylist-to-the-stars-and-politicos, or two vacations with the family outside the state, both of which do not involve camping.
Spending $300,000 to fly to the other coast in a luxury 747, or paying off the mortgage over 30 years, with full interest, for a single home in an inner suburb to a city in the middle of the country.
The Swiss chalet, or everything your poor little heads can dream.

Face it, Johnnie Rich (1 of 2), I cannot personally abide by empathy coming from someone so far out of my social strata, particularly when its condescenion comes with a slate of government spending to salve the ills you imagine we have.

Now pardon me while I pick up the chip and reset it for the next guy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:06 PM 0 comments

When Damn Kids Become Program Directors

YGDY, your favorite hits of the 1980s, with none of the hard rock or rap. This next song was the only hit from California-based Faith No More, it's "Epic"....

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:52 AM 0 comments

Other Things Bush Did Not Talk About

Via Spoons, we have this story: Bush Glosses Over Complex Facts in Speech:

President Bush glossed over some complicating realities in Iraq, Afghanistan and the home front in arguing the case Americans are safer and his opponent cannot deliver.

On Iraq, Bush talked of a 30-member alliance standing shoulder to shoulder with the United States, masking the fact that U.S. troops are pulling by far most of the weight. On Afghanistan and its neighbors, he gave an accounting of captured or killed terrorists, but did not address the replenishment of their ranks — or the still-missing Osama bin Laden.

In the interest of elaborating on CALVIN WOODWARD's points, I thought I would list some other things Bush did not address last night:

Insecurity in Microsoft products, or the purported superiority of Linux.
The ability of movie companies and comic book companies to maintain a profitable, lasting set of fan-appealing franchises when faced with misguided efforts, like The Hulk, and underappreciated-but-expensive films like Daredevil.
Lara Croft or BloodRayne: Which video game babe is hotter?
Cats who insist upon sticking their tails in my schooner of beer.
Those burps where Blogger (or other blogging software) makes you think you will, or you actually lose a post. What's up with that? Did Carnivore eat it?
The mere annoyances that are Spam, Adware, telemarketing phone calls, junk mail, and print or broadcast advertising of things I don't like--annoyances that demand FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ATTENTION NOW!
Scofflaws who don't buckle their safety belts. Why is this not a Federal crime yet, punishable with jail time?
Women bloggers who ficklely start and stop their blogs, over and over again, challenging other bloggers who want to keep their blogrolls fresh (This means you, Lucas, du Toit, VKate, et al.)
Those damn Chinese butterflies who keep beating their wings and starting hurricanes.
A federal study to determine how many types of information wild moonbats can communicate through their barks and grunts.
Introduction of federal tax assistance and incentives to bloggers unafraid of the beautiful blink tag.

Actually, history will show that Bush left more out of his speech than he included. Perhaps this was because it was a speech designed to come in under an hour with planned interruptions for applause, chants, and inevitable protestors.

Or maybe Bush is really trying to hide everything else from the world, which receives its information only when the Master pours his words into our ears.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 AM 0 comments

More Piling On Schwarzeneggar

The San Francisco Chronicle runs a story wherein Austrian historians question the memories Schwarzeneggar used in his speech at the RNC, including Soviet troops and socialism:

Austrian historians are ridiculing California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for telling the Republican National Convention that he saw Soviet tanks in his homeland as a child and left a "Socialist" country when he moved away in 1968.

Recalling that the Soviets once occupied part of Austria in the aftermath of World War II, Schwarzenegger told the convention on Tuesday: "I saw tanks in the streets. I saw communism with my own eyes."

No way, historians say, challenging Schwarzenegger's knowledge of postwar history -- if not his enduring popularity among Austrians who admire him for rising from a penniless immigrant to the highest official in America's most populous state.

Yeah, a bunch of historians are going to directly challenge Arnold's popularity by quibbling over rhetorical flourishes (socialism as an adjective versus a formal Socialist party) and whatnot. Here's the challenge to Arnold's memory:

"It's a fact -- as a child he could not have seen a Soviet tank in Styria," the southeastern province where Schwarzenegger was born and raised, historian Stefan Karner told the Vienna newspaper Kurier.

Schwarzenegger, now a naturalized U.S. citizen, was born on July 30, 1947, when Styria and the neighboring province of Carinthia belonged to the British zone. At the time, postwar Austria was occupied by the four wartime allies, which also included the United States, the Soviet Union and France.

The Soviets already had left Styria in July 1945, less than three months after the end of the war, Karner noted.

I don't remember Arnold saying, "In Styria," but then again, I am not going out of my way to challenge a popular leader.

James Joyner had the first rebuttal here.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:19 AM 0 comments

Retouching Last Nights Posts

I've corrected a couple minor grammar and punctuation mistakes, but I have not redone the Roman numerals because I repeated a number early, and didn't want to spend the morning editing the numbers on the posts. Perhaps next time I'll wisen up and use Arabic numerals.

But that's so un-pretensious.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:51 AM 0 comments

Poor Form, Steinberg

Neil Steinberg, of the Chicago Sun-Times, today:

The spirit of Wendell Willkie doesn't get invoked much by Republicans for one big reason: He lost. But there was Dick Cheney at the convention Wednesday night, harkening back to Franklin D. Roosevelt's opponent in the 1940 election, and how Willkie, though running against him, nevertheless supported FDR's foreign policy. Cheney did leave out one small detail: Willkie supported FDR's stance toward the war in Europe because he agreed with it.

In Al Franken's book, this makes Neil Steinberg a LYING LIAR who tells LIES!!!!

To some of us, though, it looks like a big journalism mistake wherein a professional either mistakes Dick Cheney for Zell Miller because they look so alike, or because he didn't watch the speeches or attentively read transcripts thereof and whose editors down the line made the same mistake.

So be it. I don't question Steinberg's core integrity; I do shake my head over his errors in thought and word.

Zell Miller's speech here.
Dick Cheney's speech here.

Press ALT+F and type WILKIE into the Find What edit box. Cripes, do I have to explain everything?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:26 AM 0 comments

Post Live Blogging Smack Talk

Stephen Green, the so-called "VodkaPundit," claims:

Before we get to the (ha!) insightful stuff, let me note something:

Who's got the hardest-working blog in the business?

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you, over the course of the last few days here at MfBJN, we had over 10 hours of live blogging with , hrm, C, carry the XVII, well, a lot of posts and a lot of booze.

Who's the hardest drinking blogger in blog business?

I meant working.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:57 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LX

So it ends.

This is the first convention I've watched. I am sorry I didn't see the Democrat convention this year so I could have more personal compare-and-contrast details, but perhaps in four years I'll remember to pay more attention. If I can remember this resolution tomorrow, when I have pulled the shades and crawl into this office to complete a work day.

I endorse George W. Bush for president, for what it's worth; I don't know whom I might convince to vote for him. The best I can hope, I suspect, is to inspire someone who would lean in that direction but who would normally be to lazy to vote.

Perhaps one day, I can attend a national convention, not as a blogger, but as a delegate from my home state. Some of this will depend on the loosening of the social conservatism of the Republican Party, and some will depend upon whether they have an open bar.

Thanks for stopping by. God bless you, and may God bless America.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog inanity, already in progress.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:34 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LIX

Dammit, I said Lee Greenwood, not Lee Ann Womack.

Freaking cellular phones.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:31 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LVIII

George W. Bush: Summation.

Was it the speech of his life? I don't know. I haven't seen them all.

He covered all the bases: foreign policy, domestic policy, past, present, future; himself, with perspective and humor, and his office. He knows the Republicans in the hall and in the nation don't agree with everything he says and does, but he hopes you respect him for his principles and for his ability to stick to them.

I do, Mr. President, I do.

I would say "O Captain, my Captain," but:

I'm not a Whitman fan.
I'm afraid a lot of people would think it was an allusion to Dead Poets' Society.
This is no occasion for an elegy; I hope our journey has only reached the midway point.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:13 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LVII

George W. Bush.

Damn kids, unfortunately many who will vote unwisely, would think "There is a time..." alludes to the Byrds.

It's the Bible, dudes.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:11 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LVI

George W. Bush.

"Here buildings fell; here, a nation rose."

That's a line worthy of a framing poem, so it can resound in anthologies for the ages. The Kipling who put it in a speech deserves reknown.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:08 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LV

George W. Bush.

The self-deprecating humor, regarding Arnold correcting his English and his Texas "walk" humanizes him greatly.

Unlike certain other elements of American political society, George W. Bush and others I admire recognize their foibles and can occasionally laugh about them.

Does Franken mock himself? I'm not asking rhetorically; I don't know. I don't listen to him.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:06 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LIV

George W. Bush.

We hold these truths to be self-evident....

The address reaches beyond petty contemporary concerns well.

We're with you, Georgie the Kid!

Crap, random Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure allusion. Sorry. Won't happen again.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:04 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LIII

George W. Bush.

He's adding historical context, comparing Germany 1946 with Iraq.

"Maybe that person is still around, writing editorials." Sweet.

Comparing himself (indirectly) to Truman (or perhaps contrasting Kerry with Truman) works. Come to think of it, couldn't both John Kerry and John Edwards run and succeed in Wisconsin?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LII

George W. Bush.

Some would say he's stepping on applause lines, but somehow it strikes me as though he's got more important things to do and to say and he cannot pause for adulation.

Just my impression.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:58 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LI

George W. Bush.

Not a roll call of states who helped (like Pataki), but countries. Presidential.

Who deserve the respect of Americans, not the scorn of a politician. That's got to leave a mark.

He respects and remembers even foreign troops.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part LI

George W. Bush.

He's dodged the "nuc-u-lar" bullet so far, but he hit "vee-hick-ulls".

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:55 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part L

George W. Bush.

Hey, this dude has gravitas.

You'd expect the major media would comment on this.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:53 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part IXL(?)

George W. Bush.

A test of will. He's calling out the American street for its fickle nature.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:52 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLVIII

George W. Bush.

10,000,000 voters in Afghanistan. Good to mention this in prime time, although many network anchors are undoubtedly adding footnotes and "context."

America must keep its word. And when we say, "You're with us, or you're with the terrorists," we better smite those not with us.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:50 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLVII

George W. Bush.

Defend America every time. That's your job, and that's the President's job, contrary to what some might think.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:48 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLVII

George W. Bush.

Oh, it's Four More Years. Cripes, people, let him speak.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:48 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLVI

George W. Bush.

What's the chant? A disturbance on the floor? Protestors? Curse this blocky Internet feed!

Bush recovered well.

The Internet feed did, too; better than ever. Must have been some anti-Real player Microsoftians.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:45 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLV

George W. Bush.

Back up a minute: Bush said he'd appoint judges who could distinguish between the law and their personal opinions. This does fly in the face of certain opponents, who have espoused "The political is the personal," and it hearkens back to the Stoic(?) concept of understanding the difference between Public and Private man.

Of course, I never read a stoic, but I do have a degree in social philosophy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:43 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLIV

George W. Bush.

Dinging a claim I had not heard by Kerry wherein the Democrat nominee said he was a candidate of conservative values.

Hollywood ding? Check. Works.

Defense of marriage act? Not so good.

Impugning Reagan? Check.

Meatloaf said it first: Two out of three ain't bad.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:41 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLIII

George W. Bush.

Welfare reform requiring work, and protecting the post-coital American citizens. Meat for the conservatives.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:40 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLII

George W. Bush.

He's calling Kerry out. I didn't expect that.

A politician who promises to raise taxes keeps that promise. Echoes of Tommy Thompson's first run against Tony Earl for Governor of Wisconsin, if I recall.

How did I forget Tony Earl in my list of Wisconsin politicians?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:36 PM 0 comments

Roman Numeral Corrections to Follow

Okay, I am now out of my depth on Roman Numerals. I'll correct them later if I have messed them up. Apologies to my loyal reader who is keeping up with the live blogging.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:35 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XLI

George W. Bush.

I got that Spanish before he translated it. Leave no child behind. When do we get to hear some Mandarin, or some Hindi?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:34 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XL

George W. Bush.

He's going to do what to schools? Make them the path to the future? A bridge to the 21st-and-a-half century?

Aren't we going to eliminate the Department of Education any more?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:32 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXIX

George W. Bush.

New goals: 7 million more affordable homes? Cripes, leave that to developers and Habitat for Humanity, ainna?

Social Security reform? Bring it on!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:30 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXVIII

George W. Bush.

Ensuring health centers for low population density areas? Guaranteed? Bad promise to make. Might be a worse one to keep.

And decisions won't be made by bureacrats in Washington? I guess he's proposing regional bureaucrat centers.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:28 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXVII

George W. Bush.

Don't know how I feel about the small business health gig. Ask me when I have to start funding employees.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:27 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXVI

George W. Bush.

Spend money on community colleges and job training? Do we have to?

American opportunity zones? Incentives? The Federal Government in charge of, what? Zoning? Local tax breaks? Ew.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:25 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXV

George W. Bush.

Reform the tax code....simplify it?

Oh, baby!

I supported Steve Forbes in 1996 before I voted for Dole. What do you think I want?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:24 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXIV

George W. Bush.

Making America a good place in which to do business? Good. Meat for we libertarian carnivores.

Level the playing field to sell American goods and services across the globe? Eliminate the minimum wage! Yeah!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:22 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXIII

George W. Bush.

Government must take my side? Dammit, the government must only take my side against the foreigners and criminals who would harm me. Not against my fellow Americans or American governments.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:21 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXII

George W. Bush.

Liberty constantly expanding? Great shot kid, don't get cocky.

Am I the first with a Star Wars allusion? Does it matter?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:20 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXII

George W. Bush.

The drifting toward tragedy if America's uncertain line: very good. He said it would not happen on his watch, but not that his watch is the only answer. Good perspective.

Government improving lives but not running lives? Hmm. Trying to improve lives involves a certain amount of power that's on the road to running lives. Government should impact peoples' lives minimally.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:18 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXXI

George W. Bush.

Education spending and socialist senior support is good. Sigh.

Tax relief. Wooo!

You're expecting more insight from me at this pace?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:16 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXX

George W. Bush.

Now a role-call of the family, and the supporters/predecessors (Cheney and Reagan).

Already structured like an epic poem.

Coincidence?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:14 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXIX

George W. Bush.

We can already see the valley? A little early to hang that banner on the aircraft carrier.

Especially since it's too close to an allusion to that whole 23rd Psalms thing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:11 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXVIII

There his is. The nominee, George W. Bush.

Anyone who bet against him accepting the nomination, you have now lost.

Must have been mighty long odds and almost worth a $2.00 bet to win a million.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:09 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXVII

I think I just recognized the mating call of the wild big jawed Nevada woo woo woo woman.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:08 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXVI

Fred Thompson.

The president threw the first pitch from the rubber in Yankee Stadium while wearing body armor.

That's more manly than wind-surfing, bungee-jumping, playing hockey like a thug, and falling down on snow slopes, werd, because he did it and didn't make a show of it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:07 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXV

Fred Thompson.

He's got a good voice, and he's played respected authority figures (See Die Hard II: Die Harder).

Also, I liked his commercial message in support of the Bush Doctrine (What warning did the terrorists give before 9/11?)

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:01 PM 0 comments

Changing the Rules

I should have told Stephen Green that the first person to a Ghostbusters II allusion wins.

I guess it's too late now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:59 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXIV

George Pataki.

Final allusion to the Statue of Liberty as a uniting symbol that can make all of us feel good: reminiscient of Ghostbusters II.

I almost expect a cut to Yohanna de la Torres to in the observation deck of lady Liberty with a healthy dose of mood slime.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:56 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXIII

George Pataki.

A dilemma for the maestros: Previous nights have had the barn-burner speaker preceding the cool resolve speaker. I guess Pataki's supposed to be that crowd-riler, but the organizers couldn't pick someone who would overshadow the nominee.

Man, picking speaker slots must have been like organizing the line-up card for the 2004 St. Louis Cardinals.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:54 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXII

George Pataki.

In the hands of a monster, a box cutter is a weapon of mass destruction. Good line, and good point for further reflection in which this blog cannot engage while its author hen-pecks words with one hand while trying to drink with the other.

"We've already been attacked." Cheney said that last night, didn't he? Or was it Miller?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:52 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XXI

George Pataki.

Talking about wanting a president who would ask the right question when attacked, "What do we do now?" when the wrong question is "Why did they do they hate us?"

A dig at the Clinton administration for not reacting strongly enough to earlier attacks, given in the form of "I wish they had acted more strongly."

Partisanship, or sincere hope? If you ask, you impugn Pataki, and Republicans, as Americans and as humans.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:49 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XX

George Pataki.

Google allusion, to John Kerry, when he says Kerry has to Google himself to know what his current position is.

Winning one for the Gipper? Good crowd response, but hmm.

Democrats losing one with the Flipper? Perhaps I should wait for the next note in the symphony before judgment.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XIX

George Pataki.

So he's the attack dog tonight, highlighting the contrasts between Bush and Kerry.

Do college professors call them Compare and Attack Dog papers now?

The new "And he did" refrain counterpoints the "But not John Kerry" bit from Steele two nights ago very, very well.

What orchestration!

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:44 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XVIII

George Pataki.

Bravo on recognizing contributions from other states after 9/11 and making those delegations stand. The United States of America.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:39 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XVII

George Pataki.

Am I the only one who thought his promise to be brief was an applause line?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:39 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XVI

Michael W. Smith is not Lee Greenwood.

And to clarify the rules, I said to Stephen Green about live blogging and drinking, "The first one to incoherence wins."

Note I am hand coding HTML here, so mistyped tags don't count.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:36 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XV

Mel Martinez.

Crap, there's the Spanish I couldn't follow completely. Got the "All is possible", though.

Also, the night's first allusion to John Winthrop's City on a Hill. Unfortunately, I suspect it's now an allusion to Reagan.

(John Winthrop's "A Modell of Christian Charity" here.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:30 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XIV

Mel Martinez.

Immigrants' messages strike me differently. They risk everything for an imagined ideal.

Of course, he escaped Cuba, and he's now espousing socialist benefits for seniors.

(Cut to LA FORGE, sweat beading on his forehead. "I am trying, captain, but these Rhetoricon Crystals vibrate to different harmonics!")

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:23 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XIII

Mel Martinez.

What, he's a candidate for Senator, and he gave up an existing government position to run? Well, Frank J. voted for him, so he's got to be....from Florida.

He's recounting a story like Arnold's about a youth in a totalitarian society.

His parents sent him to America? Lucky he's not some decades younger, or he would have been sent back.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:19 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XII

Geez, that dancing kid was a gomer, ainna?

Get the full video onto the Internet, and we've got a new phenomenon.

(Yes, I know, I am envious; I don't have those suhweet moves.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:16 PM 0 comments

Our Warm Cocoon

My beautiful wife just showed her wonderful mother the obvious photoshop of Jessica Cutler in a JC T-Shirt, and my wife had to explain to her mother who this Jessica Cutler is.

We bloggers live in such an warm, insulated cacoon. A cacoon almost as soft and protective as a fresh Visualize World Hegemony t-shirt.

Note to non-blogosphere readers: Want to know who Jessica Cutler is? No, you don't.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:06 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part XI

Brass metaphor competition now open.

Jay Tea: Geez, that's enough brass to equip a marching band.

Brian J.: Wow, there's more retired brass on that stage than on the floor of a firing range.

You call it, gentle reader.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:01 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part X

Hey, that's not Michael Williams.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:59 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part IX

Good twins video. Can I get that on DVD, perhaps a special edition where I can control the angle?

Although after their performance last night, it's not the people I would have picked to endorse the President's intelligence. And they made no literary allusions. And they called Bon Jovi old music.

But they're still all that and a bag of Cheetos.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:55 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part VIII

Why doesn't the "convention jockey" get her name spelled out? Is she junior to Yohanna de la Torres, or did one of the others....

Pardon me while I go radio silent--here's a Twins video.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part VII

Tommy Franks (cont'd).

Bush has remained loyal to those who served (unlike some who served and came home to testify in front of Congress against them....).

The "I Choose George W. Bush" refrain is an effective speaking device.

Next 200 years of history depend on choices we make today. I'd say its the weight of the trends of the decisions we make now and in the near future, but I'd inject too many nuances into his message.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:46 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part VI

Tommy Franks (cont'd).

He's not naming Kerry, but he's drawing subtle distinctions; Bush did everything to make sure that the commanders and troops had everything they needed (unlike some members of Congress)....

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:40 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part V

Tommy Franks (cont'd).

Cool, methodical delivery. He's not doing a Zeller, but he knows that's not what his role is.

Hope is not a strategy. Very true.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:37 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part IV

Tommy Franks.

Choose, and choose wisely. Sounds like the last Crusader.

Remained loyal to their country and loyal to the troops....Unlike anyone in particular?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:33 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part III

Wow, there's more retired brass on that stage than on the floor of a firing range.

Introducing Tommy Franks now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:31 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part II

On one hand, I don't dig infomercials aimed at groups singled out by ethnic heritage, but I guess it's important to extend a message of inclusiveness to some people who wouldn't generally hear it.

On the other hand, I feel smart for knowing just enough Spanish to comprehend all the commercial. Which means I can grasp slogans, but if he'd have gone into detailed policy, I would have been lost.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:19 PM 0 comments

Off-Topic Congratulations

Hey, congrats to frequent reader and JC T-Shirts Darbo, who celebrated the Republican National Convention by shooting a bunch of doves yesterday. Woo!

(What do you mean "birds"?)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:12 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging Day₄, Part I

Hello, chicks in tight things?

What convention have I turned on? Or what convention has turned me on?

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:17 PM 0 comments

Headline of the Day

March to protest Venice shootings set for Sunday.

The shootings set for Saturday, because they're not on the Sabbath, drew no objections.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:17 PM 0 comments

Barack Obama: LIAR!!!

Listening to KMOX while I folded laundry, I caught a couple minutes of Charlie Brennan's talk with Barack Obama, candidate for senator in Illinois, and I have discovered he is a LIAR!!!

He offhandedly asserted the following:

That health care costs for average Ill-annoyans is rising every month.
That anyone in southern Ill-annoy can understand long term employment trends.

If you factor in that health care costs for a number of Ill-annoy voters are not increasing (because they're dead), and that insurance premiums for many employers' plans only increase annually, it's clear that he's a fearmonger. Also, if you find one person in southern Ill-annoy that doesn't interpret statistics, you've refuted his second point.

In the proud tradition of Al Franken, whose tome I am currently reading, this makes Barack Obama a LYING LIAR who tells LIES!!!

I think I am getting this professional partisan flack thing down. Hey, coaches from the bigs, contact me at stlbrianj@hotmail.com and I will deploy the the shrill written equivalent of the blink tag for you.

Also, anyone can tell Barack Obama is not a politician from Wisconsin; he doesn't even have a first name for a first name.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:28 AM 0 comments

Glenn Asks, Brian Answers

Instapundit asks:

While I'm (sort of) on this topic, why doesn't the United States address the Afghan opium trade by just

Presumably, farmers would be just as happy to sell their poppies to us, and that would keep them off the market, as well as depriving bad guys of a revenue source. Am I missing something here?

Just the law of supply and demand. Another purchaser on the market would only drive the price up, which would provide incentive for growers to grow more. Illicit purchasers would have to illicitly get more money, which means more crime eventually to support more expensive drug habits and more crime between the people in the industry.

Perhaps poppy farm subsidies are the answer, except poppy farmers would have incentive to take money for not growing poppies and to then grow poppies.

We'd have to chose a better solution from one of the following:

Drug legalization. I bet there are a number of New York tourists right now who would like an over-the-counter opiate to help them over their hangovers. Some of us in the heartland, too.
Increased demand for intact poppies. The VFW could switch from paper forget-me-nots to real ones. The United States could use poppies in the official currency paper, although this might lead to more people licking their dollar bills (although it's common practice in the Noggle household to lick money for the trace amounts of cocaine rumored to be in the bills). People could say I love you with dozens of poppies. However, until drugs are legalized, the government will strictly hamstring your FTD florist.

I did mention I am on the libertarian fringe of the Republican party did I not?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:46 AM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXXIV

Brooks and Dunn rock as well.

Let's end this before I run out of Roman numerals I know.

Return here tomorrow, friends, and we'll have a grand old party.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:03 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXXIII

Cheney did well.

Some posit a lot of evil in Dick Cheney. An amount of evil I cannot find in Al Gore, Joe Liebermann, or John Edwards, or another mere political opponent.

I've always thought of Cheney as competence. Quiet competence in the background.

That's what I'd like in a vice-president. Just in case.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:59 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXXII

Cheney's delivering a calm, focused speech.

Like last night, we get the firebrand speaker, and then the resolved speaker.

Bravo.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:30 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXXI

Our icons, if not only our leaders, can come from humble beginnings to inspire.

Dick Cheney's grandparents lived in a railcar. Michael Steele's mom worked in a laundromat.

Yo, Joe Suburb. Don't count yourself out of our party if your old man was a director at a pharma company.

Fortunately, though, I get to be one who reaches out from the humble end of the spectrum.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:25 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXX

XXX. And I am going to talk about Dick.

Those who bet on the long odds against Dick Cheney for VP, lose.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:23 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXIX

Lynne Cheney knew Dick Cheney in high school.

We in the heartland can understand marrying for life, whereas some of our coastal "betters" (including those who were from the heartland and who found themselves as our coastal betters do not--hear me, unca Newt?) don't bother.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:20 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XVIII

Zell Miller really dealt the thunder. 'Nuff said.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:16 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXVII

Enumerating weapons systems. Does he read Mark Steyn?

"Armed with what, spitballs?"

Holy, cow. Schwarzenneggar made me want to volunteer for campaign duty.

Zell Miller is speed-dialing my Marine recruiter for me.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:11 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXVI

Oh, my. Liberators, not occupiers.

Miller's delivering like an evangelist preacher in an awakening tent, and he's doing a bang up job.

He understands peace through strength.

He's not calling Kerry by name (yet), but he's close.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:06 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXV

Where are such statesmen today? Zell, you have to know we're going to say at that podium right now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:05 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXIV

Zell's on it. It's for the children's security, which is our security too.

Unfortunately, he just said "draft."

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:04 PM 0 comments

Live Blogging Smack Talk

Ann Althouse: 9 updates, no liquor I can tell.

Me: 23 posts, a bottle of Greg Norman Cabernet-Shiraz.

Who's your blogger? Say it!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:02 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXIII

They're piping "Soul Man" into Madison Square Garden.

Am I the only one to remember that Sam and Dave wouldn't let Bob Dole use that song in 1996?

Sam and Dave "Soul Man" lyrics

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:00 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXII

Sara Evans rocks.

Thank goodness that they didn't summon forth the "popular" Gretchen Wilson, no matter how immigrant her name sounds.

Come to think of it, where's Montgomery Gentry? They did a song called "Scarecrow" sort of like this.

Sara Evans' "Born To Fly" lyrics
Montgomery Gentry's "Scarecrow" lyrics

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:50 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XXI

The Step Forward refrain is good.

Marriage is between a man and a woman. Meat for the red crowd, but Romney's not convincing Andrew Sullivan (no link on purpose).

He's right about the national anthem reprise; our national anthem is quite the song of standing when assailed by enemies. (Okay, it was the British then, but the sentiment stands.)

Is God Bless You instead of God Bless America more personal? Call in the scholars!

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XX

Romney called our Iraq War a Just War.

Has he read St. Augustine?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:46 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XIX

He knocked outsourcing. Poor form, Peter.

If we're so strong, our workers will provide more value than outsourced labor.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:45 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XVIII

Romney:

"Sue me." First belly laugh of the night.

Send in John Kerry...send in the clowns? I think I get it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:43 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XVII

Kerry Healey. From Massachussetts. Is she related to Lt. Healy, with the State Police?

She's enjoying her spot, which is better to watch than previous speakers who didn't seem to enjoy what they were saying quite as much.

Building up Mitt Romney....for a run? What?

Oh, an introduction. Heh. Where's my syllabus?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:39 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XVI

Which reminds me, where is Lee Greenwood?

I guess that's for tomorrow night.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:29 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XV

Okay, I said I would not comment on the Reagan video, but I will.

This video was "Taps."

Ronald Reagan was "America the Beautiful."

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:26 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XIV

Michael Reagan is a professional, and he's a Reagan. Finally, some life in the crowd.

Pro-Life. I guess there's no more hiding the babykillers' choice-killing ways.

An adoptee? Damn, the Republicans will take anyone. Immigrants, unwanted children..... Heartless fascists.

Another Winthrop allusion. Criminey, how come the Shining City on the Hill gets more play than the Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God phrase?

I will not comment on the video.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:15 PM 0 comments

Also Live Blogging

Homie Ann Althouse, who after twenty years doesn't understand it's "Wi - SCAHN - sin".

Also, she's using TiVo to cheat, but check it out anyway.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:11 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XIII

This Pennsylvania small business owner Blue Bell keeps calling herself black, which indicates she's insensitive to minorities.

If she sees her skin color as nothing more than a physical characteristic like height or eye color, she could be a Republican because the Democrats would not have had her.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:08 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XII

Yohanna de la Torres made it to New Mexico in like ten minutes?

Cripes, the moonbats are going to have a tizzy about that.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:03 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part XI

Homie alert! A rep from Wisconsin. With cattle on the backdrop. If only they could pipe some of that wonderful dairy-air into the Madison Square Garden.

He's got a bit more energy.

Why do all the Wisconsin politicians have first names for first names and last names?

Gary George
Tommy Thompson
Tony Earl
Herb Kohl (Cole, okay, a stretch)
Paul Ryan
Michael Ellis
Gerald Kleczka

He's trying to recapture a bit of Steele's "But not John Kerry" mojo from last night.

He's an earnest anti-Kerry bludgeon.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:55 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part X

Fifth generation family farmer? Sure, the repeal of the death tax is good.

Now, about those subsidies.

At least she spared us the "they'd have to sell the farm when we bought the farm" joke that I could not.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part IX

Jeez, talk about some delegate hangovers.

That's gotta be it.

I hope that's it. For their sakes.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:48 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part VIII

Small business people. I checked that box on my GOP volunteer form.

Unbundled contracts? Good move.

On the other hand, we have someone with a Spanish accent talking about the Alamo. History suggests that we white Americans have a grievance about that. I am offended. Well, no, perhaps not.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:45 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part VII

Why is Rob Portman getting more response than Elaine Chao? Are the delegates hoping to impress Natalie?

He's a little more fluid of a speaker than Chao; he's not pausing for applause that's not forthcoming. You don't wait for the response and hope your pause will spur it.

Unfortunately, Portman seems confounded by the role of the executive branch and the legislative branch, which is I guess to be expected when one's dealing with the nomination of the executive branch.

America cannot win in the global business environment; it can only compete effectively, perpetually. Or not. The only way to win would be to amass all the world's land and resources....

Hmmmm....

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:39 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part VI

Elaine Chao is pausing for applause that's not coming. How sad. The delegates should drink more.

She's doing okay, but her personal anecdotes aren't connecting.

When mentioning the divesity in Bush's cabinet and government, she gets a bit.

Unfortunately, she's the Secretary of Labor, and she's talking about education.

Poor woman, trapped in one of the more obviously superfluous departments and blending its mission with another superfluous department's.

Bush not resting until everyone who wants a job has one? He's going to look mighty haggard by election day.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:28 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part V

The untold story from the remote from Queens: the fellow that Bush put his arm around? The imperial food taster.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:21 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part IV

Warning: If you're watching on Tivo and are a little behind live time, don't bet against Dick Cheney for the VP nomination. Those mean other bloggers are trying to mislead you and take your money.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:19 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part III

I tried to turn Owen of Boots and Sabers onto the CSPAN live Internet feed because it has no commentators.

Unfortunately, that means that all we get during the musical numbers is shots of people on the floor dancing. But that's refill the booze time.

Now get off my Real feed, Owen; when I was the only one on't, it was pretty smooth. Now that two of us are using Realplayer, it's getting a little blocky.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:15 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part II

I would like to have seen at least 1 vote for Other just to remind George W. Bush that we would hold him accountable.

But undoubtedly, certain quarters would spin that as the beginning of the fracturing of the Republican party.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:01 PM 0 comments

PachyBlogging, Day³, Part I

I wish Nevada would have passed one more time just so I could see that woo woo wooooo woman with the vast lower lip one more time.

As a wise man once ended a book, And I never saw her again.

No, it wasn't Roger L. Simon.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:40 PM 0 comments

See What You Made Me Do?

So I get 1000 hitz and 1 t-shirt order? You're making me do naughty things, including dramatic recreations of hypothetical situations wherein Jessica Cutler's twin sister Monica were to model JC T-Shirt's Visualize World Hegemony t-shirt:

Note that this is only a dramatic recreation, and no Visualize World Hegemony t-shirts were harmed in the creation of this dramatic recreation.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:46 PM 0 comments

Mail Call

Received an envelope with a touching flier featuring underfed, ill-clad waifs, and I was ready to write a check to whoever was going to feed those poor children.

Until I realized Sports Illustrated was offering me an opportunity to purchase their endless line of 2005 swimsuit calendar products.

What kind of sports do these foals participate in? Wearing a flag on their heads and marking golf holes?

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:06 PM 0 comments

That Makes Me a Baby Genuis

Neil Steinberg writes the following about the RNC convention in his column today in the Chicago Sun-Times:

One reason I could never be a Republican is their squeamish view of the world. Everything is dirty, or evil, or forbidden. I tried to watch the start of the convention with an open mind, and wasn't even irked by the lone theme of the first night -- Sept. 11 -- as if the American people are too dumb to absorb two ideas in an evening.

During the montage of recruiting-ad-style tributes to the military, I tried not to be bothered by a guns-and-glory view of war that went out of style after Vietnam.

Then they sang the Air Force Fight Song. I've always loved that song, with its thrilling opening line, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder/Climbing high into the sun. . . . '' Then they got to the verse, "Down we dive, spouting our flame from under/Off with one helluva roar!"

Only they didn't sing "helluva roar." They sang "terrible roar.'' My guess is, a little bowdlerization for the Right Wing, with its horror of profanity, Harry Potter, gay marriage and all matters Satanic and things hellish, or even helluvaish. It's a philosophy for babies.

With that broad brush, Steinberg demonstrates the "live and dictate condescension" philosophy espoused by...well, not all Democrats because I realize some are not like that. Perhaps we could narrow the focus to Chicago tabloid columnists secretly ashamed of their suburban homes. Or Neil Steinberg, anyway.

He gets paid to write a column knocking the Republican convention. I get to write all I want lauding it, for free, and I can drink all I want on the job. Advantage: me!

Someone who makes it to the end of his column, let me know if he:

Kicks Bob Greene while Greene's starting to get up from being down.
Deploys the rhetorical flourish of so-called to earn his pay as a wordsmith.

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:58 PM 0 comments