Public Service Announcement for New Year's Eve Revellers

Plenty of ink is spent reminding you each year that firing guns into the air is a dangerous way to celebrate the holiday.

As a public service announcement, we at MBJ remind partiers that firing guns into each other is not a good idea either.

Thank you, that is all.
- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM   0 comments

 
New Divining Rod for Drunkeness

According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis area police have a new gizmo to use on motorists:

More St. Louis-area police officers are carrying extra gadgets this holiday season to help them catch drunks on the road.

Several police departments in Missouri and Illinois have acquired the new technology during the past year. It is geared for traffic enforcement and could be key in the campaign to halt drunken driving during the holidays.

In the past six months, St. Louis County police bought portable breath testers for each precinct station.

Now officers in the field can easily test a driver who might straddle the line between sober and illegally drunk, police said. Results from the tests are not admissible in court, but officers can use the test as probable cause to arrest a driver then test him or her on a more sophisticated machine at the jail.

That's right, fellows. They've got a new divining rod that, if it twitches right, indicates you might be in violation of the law. Enough to arrest you and drag you downtorn or to Clayton. For violating a law that's sliding slipperily but certainly to the point where wearing an alcohol-based cologne will make you legally intoxicated. Why do the police think this new gizmo is important?

"Some professional drunks can fool you," said Maj. Timothy Fitch, commander of the St. Louis County police patrol division. "Even if they can pass the field sobriety tests, they can't pass this."

Got that? People who are "professional drunks" can pass field sobriety tests--by not behaving in such a manner as to indicate the alcohol has affected them! Could it be that they're perhaps not driving badly either?

What, you think I am making this up and it will only be applied to people who drive forty miles an hour in reverse on the shoulder on the wrong side of the highway? Wrong.

Departments expect these gadgets will come in handy during roadside safety checks and extra patrols scheduled for the New Year's holiday. [Emphasis mine.]

Roadside safety check? Buddy, that means the sobriety checkpoints the police set up on the roads wherein all vehicles get screened. So whatever false positives this thing provides, complete with paddy wagon ride and booking, that means you Mormons are eligible, too.

A pile of cash and another nick in our liberty, for what? Here's the numbers, in a metropolitan area of up to three million people (depending upon the counties you include):

Officers gave DWI violations to 713 drivers through November last year. They arrested 922 in the same time period this year.

That's almost three arrests per day. In a population of three million. Obviously the profession of drunkeness does not pay well, or most professional drunks are telecommuters. What's the life savings?

Last year, Missouri lost 525 people in alcohol-related crashes.

Fewer than two per day, and I would wager that many of those deaths were self-inflicted.

Individually, drunk driving deaths are tragedies, particularly the non-drunk victims. However, I do dispute that all the effort and ever-tightening legislative and law-enforcement nooses drawn around the problem probably have entered the diminishing returns effort. And it's more than the returns that diminish; it's our very freedom, Chester.

Now have a Guinness, and walk home, for crying out loud. A little cool air will clear your head, and you could use the exercise.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:37 AM   0 comments

 
Easy Transition

The Noggle household for the holidays:



The Noggle household for the NFL playoffs:


- posted by Brian J. @ 10:10 PM   0 comments

 
Join Your Loyal Citizens Book Burners Watchers Brigade

Drudge links to a story entitled FBI urges police to watch for people carrying almanacs in the San Francisco Chronicle. Lead:

The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.

Also:

"For local law enforcement, it's just to help give them one more piece of information to raise their suspicions," said David Heyman, a terrorism expert for the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies. "It helps make sure one more bad guy doesn't get away from a traffic stop, maybe gives police a little bit more reason to follow up on this."

The FBI noted that use of almanacs or maps may be innocent, "the product of legitimate recreational or commercial activities." But it warned that when combined with suspicious behavior -- such as apparent surveillance -- a person with an almanac "may point to possible terrorist planning."

To better prepare you intrepid citizen informers out there, I'll give you a head's up to other suspicious characters in America:

Educated people.

That's right, folks. Keep an eye out for:

• Physicists.
  These diabolical intellectuals study such dangerous things as force, velocity, gravity, and other skills useful to terrorists who want to use everyday objects and the laws of nature against innocents.
  
  
• Chemists.
  These "scientists" study how natural and artificial combinations of atoms interact, which can lead to substances harmful to the population.
  
  
• Biologists.
  These dabblers in the arcane arts know how microorganisms--as well as larger organisms, such as angry mutant sea bass--can be used against the children.
  
  
• Engineers.
  These hands-on appliers of science understand the way bridges work, buildings stand, dams hold, and electric circuits work. It's best to let the FBI know immediately if you find an engineer around a possible target. Particularly if the engineer is doing something suspicious, like holding a clipboard.
  
  
• Information Technology professionals.
  Computer geeks, misanthropes and asocial misfits all, know the vulnerabilities of the technological infrastructure of the nation, nay, THE WORLD!

You don't need to fear all academics, intellectuals, or college faculty, however. Although English, History, and *-Studies departments fancy themselves revolutionaries, they're harmless.

Instead, citizen, you should focus on nefarious characters who read books. Sound harmless? Consider someone who reads:

• Comic books or mystery novels.
  These people often determine that there exists a standard of right or wrong aside from U.S. law and court rulings, and often read books where "good" triumphs over "evil," often without the proper bureaucracy in place to spread blame for failure or leak credit for success.
  
  
• Science fiction.
  Non-academics or speculative individuals often read these books, which, like religious documents, contain fantastic versions of reality or blueprints for the future. These individuals are harder to trace than academics since they're "freelancers" who often have telescopes, chemistry sets, or workshops in their homes, garages, or closests and are not subject to sanction by removal of federal funding.
  
  

Of course, anyone who reads literary fiction or Oprah's book choices are safe enough--for now--because they've embraced a passive fatalism that will make them easier to control less likely to perform wanton acts of destruction.

So turn your neighborhood watching eyes on those cash only used book stores, loyal citizens, and the federal law enforcement officials will review bookstore and library records to see who has the dangerous information.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:02 PM   0 comments

 
The End of the Conversation

Since we painted our master bathroom last autumn, I've been meaning to recaulk around the tub. It's starting to break down and show its age. Not that the mold spores mind. They've found a good home and some tasty latex upon which to feast. But I've meant to recaulk this tub since about spring, but I haven't had quite the stretch of time to devote to it. Several hours at least, non-stop, to devote to the project. How could I find the time, when Civilization III called?

But since I had a personal day on Christmas Eve, I had a long block of time available. Particularly since I could not leave the house until the FedEx truck delivered Heather's Christmas gift (which is another story entirely). So I got into the bathroom and began removing the existing caulk. I think a previous owner just applied a layer of latex caulk over an existing layer of silicone caulk when it came time for him/her to do the deed. So it took me almost five hours of intermittent scraping, cursing, and swearing to get all of it off. Once I got the old caulk off, it was a breeze to apply a new ring of caulk.

So although I was reluctant to perform this much-needed household maintenance, I'm still proud to have done it. But why is it that the casual conversations end when people ask me how my holidays were and I answer:

"I spent Christmas Eve in the bathtub with a razor blade and wondered if I really wanted to go through with it."
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:12 PM   0 comments

 
Book Review: Who's Looking Out for You? by Bill O'Reilly (2003)

I have read O'Reilly's first two nonfiction offerings (The O'Reilly Factor: The Good, the Bad, and the Completely Ridiculous in American Life amd The No-Spin Zone: Confrontations with the Powerful and Famous in America), so you can expect I'm somewhat a fan of O'Reilly's message. Be that as it may, you should know that I don't fully appreciate, in an O'Reillyriffic way, his television show; as a matter of fact, I drew attention to my recent personal record of watching forty minutes of his sixty minute show. I don't even bother with his radio show. So my enthusiasm for all things O'Reilly is somewhat tempered.

His books, though, and in particular this book, captivate me. Contrary to what his schooling and his valuable work experience with CBS, Fox, and so on, bring him, he's a better read than a watch. He gets to elucidate his points in far greater detail than when he's got a two minute Talking Points Memo or five minutes to spar with someone with an opposing viewpoint. Still, The O'Reilly Factor is nice, and The No Spin Zone drops a lot of names, but this book is the masterwork of them all.

The title question frames the message. Who's looking out for you? O'Reilly contends that none of the power structures out there, from the government to the media, really have your individual goals and best interests in mind. Of course not; those institutions really aren't about your best individual interests, but they often act as though they are, so it's a point that we the people need to remember.

Of course, even though I agree with his points in the book, O'Reilly has a couple things to with which I contend. First of all, he's a blowhard. He even illustrates this in the book when he quotes himself disagreeing with an opponent and calling him a pinhead. However, I get the sense that he knows the role he's playing, that he is a bit over-the-top. Kind of like Rush Limbaugh speaks with a tongue-in-cheek in many cases. I don't get that sense with many opposing viewpoints, from Michael Moore to Molly Ivins and Barbara Ehrenreich.

Second, O'Reilly asserts that he's on your side. Well, no, but thanks, Bill. I know enough to know you're suspect as well. You don't know me, and you might crusade for an idealized collection of people you know as the little guy, but unless I know you personally, I still see you through the filter of MegaOther--that other person who speaks to many people anonymously and individually. So you might be good to your friends, and you might be good for me as you pursue your audience, but I don't put all my faith in trust in you, Bill.

I know you'll understand.

Still, gentle blog reader, I'd recommend this book highly. I have given it as a gift this Christmas to a family member I value highly. So although I won't give it to all six of you regular readers (especially since Heather can just read mine), I'll give you my honest opinion that it's worth reading.

Take it for what it's worth. I'm only looking out for my personal integrity as a reviewer. You might not even like it.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:06 PM   0 comments

 
More Creepy Love Song Lyrics

Over at Signifying Nothing, Chris Lawrence takes Clay Aikens to task for his song "Invisible". Lawrence decries the lack of subjunctive voice in the following:

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait… I already am)

Dudes, that's the second scariest song in the universe next to "Iris". Let's just break this down:

• If I was invisible
  Then I could just watch you in your room
  He's a voyeur, peeping Tom, or valued x10 customer.
  
  
• If I was invincible
  I’d make you mine tonight
  Okay, wait a minute. If he were invincible, then he would make you his tonight. You've got no choice, he's invincible, just lie back and enjoy it. Fellows, that's called rape, and that's what the word means. Not patting a reluctant fanny. Getting made his by Mr. Invincible, yes.
  
  
• If hearts were unbreakable
  Then I could just tell you where I stand
  Hearts were unbreakable? You mean if handcuffs were not so confining and the hoods of police cars such unyielding headrests, don't you? If you mentioned where you stand, that would be yet one more restraining order in your collection, wot?
  
  
• I would be the smartest man
  If I was invisible
  (Wait… I already am)
  The final assertion is the scariest. If he were invisible, he would be watching you in your room tonight. And he admits that he is! Draw the blinds, turn on some running water and a couple of radios, and stop down at the sporting goods store tomorrow for a nice shotgun for when he gets it in his head that he's invincible.

And they say that video games make people violent. This song is a veritable roadmap to stalking. All the lyrics need is a reference to Google, and all the pieces would be in place.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:40 AM   0 comments

 
Brian Gets His Christmas Wish

I am the number 1 Google hit for Brian J.

In the coming year, I shall endeavor to warrant the attention and the respect my advertent and sometimes inadvertent branding demands.
- posted by Brian J. @ 2:21 AM   0 comments

 
Brian's Top Five Christmas Movies

Not that you asked, but since Heather and I just watched my favorite, I thought I would list the top five for you:

1. Die Hard
2. Lethal Weapon
3. Die Hard 2
4. Gremlins
5. Invasion USA

Nothing gets me into the spirit as much as a roaring fire, a couple beers, the smell of cordite, and these movies.

Bless them all, every one, and let God sort them out.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:24 PM   0 comments

 
Rovers That Pay For Themselves

So I am reading the Samizdata post on the Beagle 2 Martian lander, and I read about how Mars is going to be crawling with landers in the coming months with the arrival of Opportunity and Spirit in January. Beagle 2, for those of you who don't know't, is a European probe, and Spirit and Opportunity are American landers. So I look at the artist rendition and I think of a bunch of robots tooling around on the planet of Mars, and immediately I think:

Wouldn't it be cool if, at the end of their lifecycles, the landers fought it out like Battlebots?

And then I think I am onto something. I mean, think of the possible commercial possibilities that could underwrite part of the cost of the voyage! A pay-per-view spectacular, wherein the robots duke it out in a hostile environment on another world? Dudes, I'd order my first pay-per-view event to see it! Maybe a couple of corporate logos slapped onto the landers, a special camera lander to transmit live video, and bam! You've got enough capital to lift the things at more than seven miles per second, werd.

Picture it. After NASA and the European Space Agency have had their time with the landers, accumulating and transmitting data back to home base, imagine the two rovers rearing up and exposing whirring blades, great spikes and drills, and articulate claws to rend the other into space junk. Because ultimately, that's what they are, junk and refuse and detritus from our exploration. At least we could have some fun with it.

Picture the Beagle 2 and Spirit going at it on the red sands of Mars. Imagine a couple of landers doing battle on the ice of Europa, among the volcanoes of Io, or the hazy surface of Venus. I'd buy the DVDs, dammit.

So get to it, guys. Who needs the X-Prize when you can have the Solar Battlebot Championship Tour? Am I onto something, or just on something here?
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:59 PM   0 comments

 
We Like To See Cohen Squeezing the Resin Bag

Richard Cohen, of the Washington Post, continues to toss us juicy pitches. Speaking of Howard Dean's recent musing about an interesting whack job conspiracy theory that Bush knew about the September 11 attacks before they occurred, Cohen posits:

There is no excusing what Dean said. But providing a context is a different matter entirely. As Dean himself said, the Bush administration has been very stingy about revealing just what it knew about terrorist activities before Sept. 11. Couple that with the fact that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq -- nor a link between Saddam and al Qaeda proved -- and you have the requisite ingredients for a conspiracy theory: Something here doesn't add up.

Let me paraphrase: The theory doesn't make sense, but it only makes sense to have a senseless theory.

(The little angel of paranoia on my right shoulder asks "But why does Richard Cohen want us to think that?")
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:26 PM   0 comments

 
Reassurances From Your Older Sibling

In a St. Louis Post-Dispatch article about how the suburb of St. Peters and its duly appointed constabulary love their new cameras, we get this reassurance:

The only incident of abuse, according to St. Peters officials, occurred more than a year ago. An employee was caught using the cameras to improperly watch people at the Drury Inn on Mid Rivers Mall Drive, a police dispatcher said.

Police spokesman David Kuppler wouldn't say exactly when the incident occurred, or whether the person was charged with a crime. [Emphasis mine, of course.]

Why's that at the end of the story? That deserves a lead of its own.

Remember, fellow sheep, cameras won't keep the wolves from eating you. It will only make sure that the shepherds can identify which wolf ate you. Also, it's apparently good for seeing what Little Bo Peep's doing in her motel room with Christopher Marlowe when they forget to pull the shades.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:20 PM   0 comments

 
In Case You're Wondering

Fark has a Photoshop contest for Playboy covers, and as an inspiration, they link to this story. Fark inadvertently calls the March 1980 the "best ever" Playboy cover.

Au naturel contraire. The very best Playboy covers are:

1. November 1971
2. November 1970
3. May 1973
4. December 1988
5. July 1970

Trust me. I have seen a lot of Playboy covers in my day. Ask me sometime, and I will tell you about the Great Playboy Score.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:07 PM   0 comments

 
A Fair Trade for Your Municipality

Ravenwood links to a bit of Neilz Nuze about a common eminent domain abuse, this time in Alabaster, Alabama.

Remember, citizen, that your municipality would gladly trade your home, without your consent, for a dozen empty spaces in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It only has not because no developer has offered. Yet.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:46 PM   0 comments

 
You Can't Improve on Perfection

Taito's bringing back Space Invaders, Slate reports. Mattel's remaking Electronic Football II. Activision's releasing their greatest hits in a single joystick you can hook up to your television. The commentator acknowledges the creativity inherent in working in the tight technological media. Good work.

In today's games, though, except for Civilization III, the technology has outstripped the game play. I mean, arcade games have dwindled to three genres: Gun games, side-by-side fighters, and driving (or airplane) simulators. Home consoles have first person shooters and role playing games. Where's the creativity in frames per second? Here's a hint; it's not.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:43 PM   0 comments

 
In My Day, a DoR Degree Meant Something

Pardon my disgust, but I just heard a DJ for KSHE 95, "Real Rock Radio", identify Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" as "the title track" to an album. Johnkin' J!

For you damn kids, "Welcome to the Jungle" was the first track (on side 1, before we had CDs--and we liked it that way) of Appetite for Destruction. But this DJ didn't know that. Back in the idealized-and-probably-inexistent old days, disk jockeys (back when the discs were bigger than dinner plates, dammit!) knew their music. But now, the Doctors of Rockology don't know much.

I don't so much blame public education as I do for the consolidated inifinitization of radio stations, wherein the disk jockeys are all utility infielders, plugged into whatever genre of music the home office determines needs a "resource." This explains why drive time guys from the light hits stations suddenly find himself running the morning shows on country and western stations--no knowledge of Kenny Rogers or Hank Williams required!

Sorry, but it irks me. These guys dispense asides and information about what you hear on the radio, and they don't necessarily know the truth, nor how the particular work or individual talent fits into the tradition of the style of music. And they don't care to learn, because it's not important. Not as important as their careers, which will soon take them out of this mid-sized market, and if they're lucky, will land them in the overnights in a major market, regardless of whether they know or even like the damn music they play. It's just a job, and where their enthusiasm and knowledge of the music leaves off, their knowledge of established sophomoric radio tricks, such as the novel prank phone call, takes up.

Welcome to the jungle, indeed.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:56 PM   0 comments

 
Another Flashback

Did anyone else type 0 NEW at the end of high school programming class to teach someone in the next class that he or she should really clear the memory before typing in his or her own program with line numbers starting on 10 and running it?

Oh, come on. You never even thought of it?

Riiiiight.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:49 AM   0 comments

 
Booted

Michele at A Small Victory has her Vic 20 skin up.

I saw it, and I had a flashback.

In the immortal words of Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones:

10 POKE(53280,0)
20 POKE(53281,0)

You damn kids won't get it, but you old school geeks will.

Except you Apple II geeks, but we'll be talking to you in the playground after school.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:34 AM   0 comments

 
The Sound of Advice

MSN's dating expert offers some advice for dating a celebrity.

Hey, my beautiful wife is becoming rather popular in the cool blogging cliques, so perhaps I can pick up some tips. Here's the points:

1. Assume it will end.
2. Protect yourself.
3. Enjoy all that celebrity jazz.

Man, that's depressing. All pessimism and exploitation.

Perhaps I should wait for the advice for marrying an immortal goddess of beauty, baking, and bicyclery column.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:00 PM   0 comments

 
Advice for Rybarcyzk

Bob Rybarcyzk says:

So last weekend we got our first real snow of the season here. I like snow and all -- it's real pretty and covers my questionable lawn quite nicely -- but snow has serious drawbacks as well.

Dude, autumn already takes care of that with leaves. I mean, I had to snatch some from the brown lawn bags at the end of the neighbor's driveway since I don't have any trees in my front yard, and then I had to manually spread them on the lawn much more evenly than Nature would have, but it covered the weird desert camoflauge colors that Soysia takes on in August when you properly scalp the lawn to two inches in the summer drought.

So my lawn still looks good even now that the good old fashioned Wisconsin Snow has been replaced by the Missouri Snow, which is what Wisconsonites call "rain."
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:51 PM   0 comments

 
Thanks, Honey!

I absolutely love the Trivial Pursuit DVD Pop Culture Edition that you got me for Christmas or for my birthday next year, or maybe Christmas next year.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:42 PM   0 comments

 
Greed Is Redux

Radley Balko must read my blog. The day after I link to the Gordon Gekko speech, he posts a column about how greed drives innovation.

Coincidence?
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:40 PM   0 comments

 
Book Review: The 50 Best (and Worst) Business Deals by Michael Craig (2000)

I picked up this book on one of the book-buying binges Heather and I shared last month. I found it in the business section of A Collector's Bookshop, Sheldon's new hole in the wall in Maplewood. He doesn't have much on hand, yet, but I expect that to change. Regardless, this looked interesting. So it is.

Craig has structured the book around 10 common sense rules, with each chapter containing a capsule analysis of several deals that epitomizes the rule, or proves how ignoring the rule can break a deal. For example, one rule is "Take advantage of your adversary's weakness" (Chapter 2). Essentially, it boils down to buy when the seller has to sell. France needed a hunk of money to finance its European wars, so the United States got the Louisiana Purchase at the bargain basement price of three cents an acre.

Because of Craig's background as a big dog attorney means he focuses a lot on the leveraged buyouts of the 1980s. To be honest, all I really remember about them is the mythology handed down as received wisdom, mostly from people who disapproved of them. However, as encapsulated in these vignettes, it makes sense in some cases. Even breaking up companies that are underperforming. Call me a capitalist.

The book weighs in at under 200 pages, and the easily digestible chapters and sections make it a book you can put down. And pick back up. I read this book at work, during lunch breaks, without missing beats. Some books are good for that.

So this book is worth a read. The rules are common sense, but the rewards for following them, as well as the negative sanctions for not following them, offer concrete illustrations that The Art of War does not.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:11 PM   0 comments

 
Greed, For Lack of a Better Word, Is Good

So after reading that book, I had to go and watch Wall Street to get a nut's-eye view of the 1980s and the corporate raiders and LBO artists.

Man, what a cool movie. I rather liked Gordon Gekko, who rose from humble beginnings as a city college kid to become what he was. I mean, read his speech to Teldar stockholders. It's a pretty rousing bit.

But almost to the end of the movie, in the confrontation between Gordon Gekko and Bid Fox over Bluestar Air, suddenly Michael Douglas opens his mouth and Oliver Stone's economic theories come out. He calls capitalism a zero-sum game and vomits forth a Paul Krugman column.

Stone's projecting. Everything he captures right about capitalism in the movie he negates with this single speech, where capitalists are fleas and Martin Sheen's working man is the noble dog.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:08 PM   0 comments

 
Saturday Night I Was Downtown, Working for the FBI

Well I'm gonna be forgiven
If I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5-9 beautiful tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool woman had it all
Had it all, had it all, had it all...

Day two thousand, four hundred, and seventy-nine two. Surviving on beer, popcorn, and cherry flavored Craisins.

Hurry home, honey. I miss you.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:16 PM   0 comments

 
Put a Pig's Head on a Stick

Fark links to a story about an incident at a party wherein one person spilled a beer upon another, which led to a person getting shot in a rather Orient Express manner--the original shooter passed the gun onto friends who proceeeded to put a slug into the offender.

Man, I am glad the Atari Party never gets out of hand like that. With all those offended people throwing a superball at each other to break down the defenses and destroy the corner icon of the other, someone could put an eye out!

Crap! Should I have included a "spoiler alert" above when I mentioned how Murder on the Orient Express turns out? Man, I suck!

My apologies to my newbie Agatha Christie fan demographic. (Wait, no such demographic exists? To whom will I appeal?)
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:58 PM   0 comments

 
I'll Fetch My Rifle

I think the St. Louis Major Case Squad is summining a posse. That's what I get from this headline, most of the way down the page:

Police seek public's help in man's fatal shooting

Man, I love those interns who write the headlines for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Law and Order section.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:47 PM   0 comments

 
Brian Gets His Second Perfect Score

Well, friends, I have gotten my second perfect score on a philosophy test. My beautiful wife led me to a test that rather simplistically asks a dozen questions to determine how your thinking relates to those of profound thinkers from ages past. And I got 100!

1. Ayn Rand (100%)
2. John Stuart Mill (86%)
3. Jean-Paul Sartre (74%)
4. Aristotle (65%)
5. Kant (64%)

I would have to explain my seeming embrace of utilitarianism as a recognition of the tension between assuming rational people will follow the rules and the embrace of the rule of law to ensure that everyone minds a handful of codified manners. Which also explains why I won't vote Libertarian for an executive branch position, sort of. While I'm sure that you, a reasonable person, will understand that theft is wrong, I'd rather have the pooled power of the State to enforce it in case you forget.

Also, there's the problem with shoehorning my thought into a radio button answer, and the interpretation of the questions. However, let us recognize that the greatest good for the individual is also the greatest good for the greatest number. Some will fall through the cracks willfully or not, but that's the nature of the statistics. All the children cannot be above average.

What about my other perfect score? Funny you should ask. My only perfect score on a college exam was my sophomore year in my Philosophy 104: Ethics. Man, I wonder how well I would have done in that class if I had bought the textbook? (Ask me sometime about paying your way as you go through a prestigious private university, and I will tell you how to get around niceties like textbooks.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:25 PM   0 comments

 
META Group Recommends Mind Wipes At Exit Interview

The META Group, a bunch of people marketing themselves as people you can pay to think for you, alerts us to this great danger - Camera-Enabled Phones Pose Significant Liability for Most Enterprises, Warns META Group:

STAMFORD, Conn. (December 9, 2003) — With the cost of adding cameras to mobile phones becoming marginal ($2-$5 per phone), META Group, Inc. (Nasdaq: METG), expects the majority of phones to include this capability within two to three years. However, for many organizations, cameras represent a significant liability or security risk — such as inappropriate candid shots of employees, pictures of production lines.

While the quality of most cameras in current phones is poor, it nonetheless represents a potential channel for leaks of sensitive data or other images that can produce unintended consequences. META Group recommends setting up a clear policy of no camera-enabled phones.

While META Group invites any of you with change in your pockets to visit its Web site for a vigorous upturning and shaking called its "high-value" approach to generating quotable blather, META Group does not address the similar dangers of disposable cameras, regular cameras, or human memory that can also capture and transmit proprietary information to your world-class, best-in-class, best-of-breed enterprise caliber solution's competition. But none of these buzzwords would yield hits in a current search for "relevant" news. Which is what META Group's really trying to do, to get you, a key decision maker in your organization, to look at them like a precocious child who can recite poetry it doesn't understand.

Look in wonder, friends. I wonder who pays these guys, and if I can get in on the grift.

(Link seen on Hans's site.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:48 PM   0 comments

 
Geeks Reflecting

Trey Givens, Deuce's older brother, leads me to the following self-awareness:


You are an Intrepid-class Scout, Starfleet's
frontline sentry. You're a bit of an enigma.
Your grace and intelligence may go unnoticed,
but people rely on you for your insight and
ability.

Which Class of Federation Starship are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I feel pretty.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:41 PM   0 comments

 
Drastic Flu Vaccine Shortage! Everyone Panic NOW!

And a special tip of the hat to the media, who've apparently discovered that the national health industry does not routinely order two doses of flu vaccines for every man, woman, child, cat, and dog in the country. So when the media whips the populace into a frenzy because of the dangers of influenza, and then hits them with the headlines

Flu Vaccines Running Out:

You People Gonna Die

it creates a run on the flu vaccines. A run by able-bodies and healthy adults who aren't risk. Good work, fellows. So then elderly and exteremely unelderly (children) people don't get a flu shot because Joe Athletic Yuppie got it instead and those at-risk members of the population start dying, the media can run the headlines

Flu Killing People:

Current Administration, Capitalism Accomplices

Oh, the humanity!

Not that I want to plant a seed in your heads, dear journalistic activists, but did you know that the local branch of the bank down the road from you doesn't have enough money to give to all its depositors if they all came at once? That's right. Why don't you run a headline like

Banks Short of Cash:

They Don't Have Your Money

It's your duty to bring this to the attention of the public. They have a right to know about scarcity and allocation without understanding the reason why so they can decide to panic mindlessly as needed.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this oversight.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:10 PM   0 comments

 
Words By Which To Live

Neil Steinberg relates wisdom in his latest column:

Elias wrote an excruciating book about surviving Auschwitz. I heard her five years ago, so can't quote her, directly, but she ended her speech by saying something like this:

I have this dream. I dream I am walking up to my family's home in Czechoslovakia. The windows are all lit up, and I know that everybody is well, and there, home, waiting for me. And then I awaken, and it's so sweet, because they were all there, clearly, and so sad, because it was only a dream. And that is what I'd like to tell you today -- if you are lucky enough to be going home later, and the lights of your house are bright, and your family is all there, waiting, you should stop and savor it as the precious gift it is, because someday it too will be just a dream.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:43 PM   0 comments

 
Reality Check

OpinionJournal.com reports:

ALL THAT JAZZ: In the film "Erin Brockovich," Julia Roberts played a working-class mom with a penchant for short skirts who, despite being constantly underestimated by men, ultimately manages to secure the largest class-action settlement in American history. But according to the Wellesley News, an all-female jazz band hired locally during the filming of Ms. Roberts's latest film has filed a gender discrimination complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission against the actress and her production company, saying that they were paid half what an all-male band was getting in the same film. As band member Jeanne Daly told the paper: "I find it amusing that we have to 'Erin Brockovitch' Erin Brockovitch for [the] hypocrisy of gender discrimination."

I find it amusing that the band member confuses Julia Roberts, the actress who portrayed a real litiguous activist in the movie Erin Brockovitch, with the title character and real person Erin Brockovitch. Since Jeanne Daly also confused proper noun 'Erin Brockovitch' with a verb, I'd say she's probably a confused individual.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:40 PM   0 comments

 
Where's the Racial Sensitivity?

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports on the Ricky Clemons scandal at University of Missouri, and relates this anecdote about Ed Stewart, an assistant athletic supporter or something:

"Ed come home, every time he come home, he be like, 'Them crackers shaking. They going crazy. They don't know what to do. They shaking. They can't talk to Ricky. They're like some crackheads running around there.'"

How sweet. He lets out some racial epithets, and the johnking St. Louis Post-Democrat publishes it.

Heaven forbid a white person say any six letter word that begins with n, ends with r, and has a double consonant in it. Were I to say I like Nutter Butters, certain segments of the population think I am deni-oppressing not only members of a different race, but the women therein.

Where's the sensitivity for my easily-bruised feelings? Why are cracker, gaijin, bleach blood, and haole allowed and nigger isn't?

Rhetorical question. It's because we're crackers and deserve the abuse. I matriculated with a degree in English. I learned these things in college.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:09 PM   0 comments

 
Book Review: Black Alley by Mickey Spillane (1996)

Wow. 1996 this book was published. A Mike Hammer novel. A two-fisted, hard-boiled detective novel, something straight out of the pulps. Right before the dot-com bubble. This isn't a Perry Mason novel from the 1960s, which you can lose yourself in because it's timeless and only when you concentrate do you notice they're not using computers. Mike Hammer knows of all these things and ignores them because he's a throwback.

Mike Hammer's older, but he wouldn't admit it. He's also been shot up and is recovering, although not as fast as he would with strict, or even any, bed rest. A dying war buddy lets Mike know he's hidden billions in stolen mob money and challenges Mike to find it. It was bad enough that the mob shot Mike up, but once they think he knows where the stolen billions are, they squeeze. So does the IRS. And Mike can't hold a gun, so he's got to go on his reputation and his balls. And those of his secretary Velda, whom Mike realizes he ought to marry.

Wow. 1996.

The style's definitely a throwback, but the character also recognizes his age and that the world's changed around him. Outstanding. Of course, Ayn Rand liked Mickey Spillane, so who would I be to argue. It's a little weird to have a hardback Mike Hammer, though. This book definitely belongs in a dimestore format, in the mass market paperback. After all, Mike Hammer's a product of the 1960s, same as Mike Shayne, Shell Scott, and Parker. They just didn't have Stacy Keach to lend them credibility with a television character in the 1980s and 1990s (well, Parker did, but they changed the name and the focus of the character in the Mel Gibson movie).

I liked the book, and I read it relatively quickly. I don't want to spoil it for you, but the good guy wins. Thank genre fiction.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:53 PM   0 comments

 
Words of Whizdom

Source: Forbes:

John Doerr of Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers mused that no significant company in the Web era would be created "east of Reno."

When's that earthquake due to put Reno on the new west coast?
- posted by Brian J. @ 4:57 PM   0 comments

 
Introducing Johnk

All right, I can't leave it alone.

However, I am introducing a new placeholder for that most unwordly of unwordlies, the dreaded f-word which appears on this blog slightly less than The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. All three of my regular readers know I prefer schnuck as a stand-in, based upon an essay I wrote some time ago about the need for better, more creative cursing. That essay's lost to antiquity, but the message lives on.

And so in honor of John F. Kerry, indistinguished (some politicial office holder or another) of (some tiny, self-important coastal state), I introduce johnk, a single syllable which can capture every sort of meaning the f-word can, and with less shock among women and children and definitely more mockery of the Democrat party.

Plus, let's savor the word itself. A single syllable word with a nice, hard terminal consonant rox. Try it: Johnk!. Ooh yeah. And if you slur the first syllable, it can be haughty and French-sounding. Zzzzhonc! That's a twofer you don't get with an unvoiced labiodental fricative.

As an addendum, I wish to say to the driver of that red Aztek that ran a red light on Hanley to cut across three lanes of traffic to make a left turn from the right lane this afternoon, Johnk you, you johnking heinzingjohnker. I hope the Jaws of Life bite into your candy-apple vehicle and find half a worm.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:47 PM   0 comments

 
Oops, I Am Revealed

So I am reading this piece in the Implement change to overcome workplace anarchy", mainly because I transposed the verbs when I read the headline, and it says:

I'd seen it before with other teams. It was another "Lord of the Flies" situation. The leadership vacuum had created a breakdown in moral behavior. Like in William Golding's famous book, "The Lord of the Flies," the group had deteriorated into anarchy, with some members resorting to cruel control tactics to assure their own dominance and survival. Newcomers were mistreated, positive acts were sneered at, rude and cruel treatment of teammates prevailed, management's directions were ignored or challenged, and customers were barely served.

The circumstances leading up to this situation, were predictable: a weak leader, or a series of many leaders over a short period of time; a hardened, cynical group of workers; a few positive employees; a band of negative employees, who filled the power void with intimidation and retaliation as their weapons; and some fence-sitters, who kept their heads down and their mouths shut.

The new leadership team had to take back control and restore order and civilized behavior. But where to start? First, we needed to get a clear picture of what we were dealing with. I lead the management team through a process to determine where each member of the team fit: positive leaders, negative leaders and fence sitters. As we stood back and took a look at the finished product, the picture emerged -- most of the employees were either fence-sitters or positive, with only a handful of negative, bitter leaders at the other end.

and I thought, "Great, a bunch of MBAs hired from outside the company with no real knowledge of the way the software works but has so damn fine book and spreadsheet theories, so they hire a hotshot consultant to troubleshoot our attitude. I hope I'm in charge of the trust fall when this nutbar goes down so I can catch him by his necktie."

The new management's probably just preparing for layoffs anyway.

So now you know what sort of co-worker I am. As I explained to El Guapo, maybe Cagey, and certainly my other co-workers, I am the worst case scenario guy. Whatever the company-wide e-mail says, you come to me and I'll augur the worst possible scenario from it. Worse than you could think of, werd.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:10 PM   0 comments

 
Roeper Ruins Another Day

Johnk you, Robert Roeper. You've ruined my day again by asserting in your Chicago Sun-Times column that:

Actress Joey Lauren Adams, the squeaky-voiced girlfriend in "Big Daddy" and the Amy of "Chasing Amy," was arrested Friday in San Diego on suspicion of drunken driving after she allegedly kept running into a curb in a gas station. She's 38, and how did Joey Lauren Adams get to be 38?

It's a lie. It must be a lie. How can the women I lusted for in my age group be nearing forty?
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:06 PM   0 comments

 
Book Review: Eat the Rich by P.J. O'Rourke (1998)

If you read one economics book this millenium, this should be it.

O'Rourke redoes his Holidays in Hell schtick by visiting, and examining the economies of, a number of disparate nations. Sweden, Hong Kong, Tanzania, Russia, Albania, America (well, Wall Street), and Cuba. He rates them as good capitalist, bad capitalism, good (in 1998) socialism, or bad socialism. Each location gets its own chapter, and he visits each. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't go to Albania to discover how it's doing in capitalism, but O'Rourke's nuts. And a good writer.

I don't have any bones to pick with it. Read it. An amusing composite of research and travel with commentary that I agree with. Hey, I paid $8.00 for the book in a used book store. That should tell you how much I appreciate O'Rourke.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:51 PM   0 comments

 
A Bit of Perspective

For those of you lamenting your workplace positions and the drudgery you face, bear in mind that somewhere in Michigan, Curtis Joseph didn't play hockey, but he got paid $48,000 for his day's nonlabor anyway.

Pleasant dreams.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:24 PM   0 comments

 
Good Google Hitz

Wow, I am number six on Google for john kerry fuck. Sweet. But you know what's better?

In a couple days, I will be the only Google hit for "hot john kerry naked pix".

Kooky, baby.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:43 PM   0 comments

 
On the AM Radio

On Sunday, while frantically scanning the AM band for the Packers game, I uncovered Real Oldies 1430. Ahhhh.

Friends, the FM band in the St. Louis area has consolidated into a half dozen "Greatest Hits of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Now!" station, each of which distinguishes itself by playing the eighteen song nationalized playlist in a different order! The Great Oldies Shift has stripped fifties and early sixties music from the dial, instead focusing on the decade popularized by That 70s Show and the "retro" Reagan era.

So I'm happy to see a station still playing the older stuff, and on AM radio. That's how this was supposed to sound, with a hint of static. Man, I hear it and I hearken back to my youth, back in 1964, cruising for girls with Bob Greene. No, wait, that's a little before I was born, but rest assured, you damn kids, AM radio was not.

So pardon me while I dabble in some of my own nostalgia and some borrowed. You kids wouldn't appreciate the subtle hiss of a groove either. Get offa my lawn, or I'll beat you with the frozen hose.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:39 PM   0 comments

 
That Movie Would Make A Great Book

In the Washington Times op-ed piece entitled U.N. troop fantasies, F. Andy Messing and Elizabeth M. Stafford argue that the U.N. can't be trusted with keeping any peace worth keeping.

However, this sticks me in the craw:

In addition, the Pakistani contingent in Somalia looked at the Somalis with contempt and committed various human rights violations, including beating the Somalis with sticks. These actions led to Mohammed Farrah Aideed's group ambushing and killing 24 Pakistani soldiers. As a result, U.N. authorized UNSCOM to take all necessary measures against those responsible for the armed attacks. This later contributed to the deaths of American soldiers in the tragic incident recalled in the film "Blackhawk Down." [sic, and emphasis mine]

What, is Mark Bowden Alan Dean Foster, coming along and writing novelizations of screenplays? Or do the authors of this piece think the only way to connect with their thoughtful readers is to tie the incident to a Josh Hartnett or Orlando Bloom movie? Pah!
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:15 PM   0 comments

 
Firing the F-Bomb Cruise Missile

So Senator John Kerry has launched the f-bomb:

"I voted for what I thought was best for the country. Did I expect Howard Dean to go off to the left and say, 'I'm against everything'? Sure. Did I expect George Bush to f - - - it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did," Kerry told the youth-oriented magazine.

Oooh. He's young, hip, and aggrieved, and has used this word undoubtedly only after his advisors told him it was okay. Some people might disagree with the leader of the free world using the f-word, but I got no problem with it; I'm from the North Side, wherein the f-word was a part of my vocabulary in the third grade and in frequent rotation therein (much to the disgust of Danny H, my sophisticated fourth grade friend).

No, what bothers me is that Kerry deploys it against a sitting president. I expect that's how he would be as a president, too, a stretch just inside the limit of my vast and fertile imagination. He'd save his wrath for internal opponents, and people who disagreed with his policies. Not against external threats or the pompous politicos and despots who would like to lay low our very civilization.

So if a leader's going to display controlled psychopathy with the f-word, I'd rather he use it in appropriate places. In the imperative tense, such as to the United Nations, to Little Kim, to Jack Chirac. Or as an alternate pronunciation for the unvoiced labiodental fricative in the names of Arafat or Kofi. These uses of the f-word I could support.

But for JFK the lesser, I would offer the word in its imperative reflexive, but he prompts me to a North Side Stream of Cussingness, which is a stream of common swear words, grouped and repeated, not in a particularly clever fashion, but with feeling.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:51 PM   0 comments

 
Spike 'Em

Boeing's trying to flex its corporate extortion privileges. If the government spikes the ill-conceived contract to "lease" tanker aircraft, Boeing will lay off 500 voters.

Blow it out your exhaust vent, Boeing. I grow weary of the influence you peddle over taxpayer dollars with the threat or offer of jobs. Sorry to the 500 who'll have to find other jobs (which they will; it's time they learned you ain't the only fish in the sea, just the biggest plankinton-and-krill sucking sea denizen of the blue). But Boeing, you've been taking tax abatements to come into a community and then being a "good corporate citizen" by throwing some crumbs to good local causes and supporting other local corporations--particularly sports teams (Heaven forbid we are deprived of your glowing logo during the national anthem at hockey games).

Me, I pay my taxes to be a good citizen. And then I go to hockey games. You just have to go to hockey games.

What's my point? Oh, yeah. Big corporations sux, and so do the governmental playas who coddle them and who then hump big corporate legs. 500 jobs for $200 billion tax dollars. A pox on the politicos who thought this was a good idea.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:28 PM   0 comments

 
Can't I Read It Anymore?

Over at Opinion Journal, Michael Judge reflects upon the articles in Playboy, given that magazine's fiftieth anniversary celebration:

Playboy's editors take a bow for being at the forefront of every liberal cause of the past half-century, including civil rights, equal rights, gay rights, birth control, gun control and abortion. Call me naïve, but somehow I think these social movements would have taken place with or without a magazine that was nearly named Stag Party.

Worse yet, Mr. Kaminsky has rounded up the usual suspects to decry the brown shirts currently running the country: "America's leading literary light," Norman Mailer, says with a straight face that the Bush administration went to war in Iraq because "an escape was needed from our problems at home." Not to be outdone, Hunter S. Thompson claims that he's "personally embarrassed by the fascist sink these [expletive]-eating greedheads from Texas have plunged us into." With Manson-like flair, he goes on to say, "Those pigs deserve to be boiled in their own oil."

Forgive me, Ms. Wolf, but perhaps the least offensive thing in this issue is the centerfold of Playboy's 50th Anniversary Playmate, Colleen Shannon, whose turn-ons include "vinyl, positivity, supportiveness, artistic abilities, and a good sense of humor."

Geez, do you mean it's like Harper's, a magazine I can no longer read? Why, I shall become enraged, shall write a piece to the editor, and shall take up my righteous anger and.....

Wowza, check her out!

I'm sorry, you were saying?
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:14 PM   0 comments

 
Just in Time for the Holiday

Neil Steinberg, in his Friday column, examines how nations review their own histories and concludes that the United States owes no apology for dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of World War II.

He begins:

There is a museum in Tokyo dedicated to Japan's ample history of warfare. But if you visit the plainly named Military Museum, you will find no reference to the grotesque medical experiments the Japanese army conducted in World War II or the sex slaves it kidnapped. The Rape of Nanking, when rampaging Japanese troops raped and murdered hundreds of thousands of Chinese, is airbrushed into the "Nanking Incident'' and the facts are said to be uncertain. Civilian deaths aren't mentioned at all until the Americans begin firebombing Tokyo in 1944.

This is par for the course. In Japanese textbooks the relentless quest of military domination that so marked that nation's conduct in the 20th century gently morphs into a brave struggle for independence against a hostile world.

Nor is the museum a relic of the equivocating past. It opened just last year. "The museum's jingoism begins in the very first room,'' wrote Howard French in the New York Times. "There, a saber adorned with gold braid, an ancient relic from the Imperial Palace guard, hangs, dramatically lit, above a block of text glorifying 2,600 years of independence, secured by valiant warriors against unnamed invaders.''

Click the link and consume the entire column.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:07 PM   0 comments

 
A Hole in the Magnetic Layer

Drudge links to a story that Cracks in Earth's Defenses Let Space Storms In.

Time to start a pool: what industry will the environmentalists target for this one?

The obvious answer, all, is not allowed, since that represents kind of a metaopponent for environmentalists. No fair choosing civilization, either.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:03 AM   0 comments

 
That's My Kitty!

Kelley at Suburban Blight has a kitty cat. It looks a lot like my kitty Dominique.

It takes a lot of investment in time and effort to make a cat that mean. It's good that someone's been recognized.

Oh no, I am cat blogging, aren't I?
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:50 AM   0 comments

 
Introspection

The Meatriarchy Guy leads me to question my relationship to my fellow man, whereupon I discover:


You are Gambit!

You are a fierce fighter and a good friend to have.
Your preference for solitude and your
attractiveness make you very intriguing to
those you meet. Unfortunately, close
relationships are few and far between for you
because you often have trouble opening up to
others.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

---

The Volokh Conspirators and Pejman made me question my fitness to rule, wherein I discovered:


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Fools! I shall exact retribution!
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:39 AM   0 comments

 
Now That I Will See

Now playing at Cold Fury:

Dirty Harry Potter: Who needs magic when you carry a magnum?
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:17 AM   0 comments

 
Make Your Nomination!

Michele at A Small Victory is taking nominations for Video Hall of Fame, Category 1: Coin-Op Games.

Go there and vote for the games I own.

Thank you, that is all.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:11 AM   0 comments

 
Donating to the Unattended Kettle

The holidays present a quick and convenient way to donate to charitable causes, particularly the Salvation Army. Outside every retail outlet, it seems, a volunteer has set up shop with a bell and a kettle. I usually pitch the change from my transaction into the kettle (as if you didn't know I use cash!) when I encounter one of these bell ringers. I know it's a little bit, but cumulatively a lot of little bits add up.

However, I don't care to put the money in an unattended kettle. I don't know where the bell ringers go, but I find a lot of kettles that had previously featured the melody of unenthusiastic and sometimes almost-frostbitten bellringing accompanied by a rousing rendition of John Cage's 4'33". I don't know what NLRB regulations dictate for professional bell ringers, or what union benefits they enjoy, but they get a lot of warm-up, cigarette, coffee, and/or lunch breaks.

Now, it's not that I want to be any less a nice guy when this happens, but I don't want to throw change into an unguarded repository. Partly, it's because I don't want it to get stolen. Also, partly it's because I don't want to just be a Pavlovian dog. I refuse to respond to the stimulus of the red kettle unless I hear the bell ringing.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:33 PM   0 comments

 
Audiobook Review: Don't Know Much About History by Kenneth C. Davis (2003)

As you might know, I spent a lot of time on the road this weekend, and I like to take a couple of audiobooks on the road with me. This time, I chose a piece of nonfiction and a piece of fiction. This audiobook was the nonfiction. The title and premise seems to lend itself to a rather conservatarian premise--that public schools suck--so I thought this would be a nice round-up of history to pass the time. Something with which I could build my stock of trivia and with which I could comfortably agree about the way public schools are failing our students. However, to quote a famous military strategist and analyst who frequently appears at the news site Fark.com, "It's a trap!"

Davis, read by Jeff Woodman with Jonathan Davis, starts out by saying that students overlook history because the classes are boring, and that the narratives don't display the historical figures as men and sometimes women with foibles. Personally, I disagree with that. I think kids don't get into history because modern textbooks have been boiled down to a bland lowest common denominator with the highest possible message woven into the narrative, even if coloring had to be added to make the pattern fit. That, and kids are kids and don't want to read books anyway. So I subtly disagreed with Davis from about two minutes into the drive. I can agree to disagree.

I should mention that this particular version is an abridgement, so it's possible the wrath I am about to recount should strike the abridger and not the author--but the author approved the abridgement, so he's as responsible for the bastardization of history as much as the, uh, mother? Okay, this metaphor broke down early, but there's what passes for a disclaimer.

The audiobook is 3 CDs. About three hours. The first vignettes--it's a set of brief stories from history, relayed in a question and answer format--dealt with settling the continent and the revolution, so its on track for a good pacing of history. Hey, passable narratives and foibles for everyone--a lot of our founding fathers were womanizers and alcoholics. Kinda like contemporary citizens. And I got my dose of trivia--Remember "One if by land, two if by sea"? Know which one it was? I do.

However, by the middle of the second CD, halfway through the piece, the damn thing was already past World War II--the part of history with which the author had direct experience and hatchets to directly grind, so he got to rubbing the whetstone. Civil rights! Camelot! The Saint Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior--no foibles like those promised in the introduction, just angelism.

And for the last CD, let's recap the post Kennedy world: Vietnam was BAD! Republican President Nixon, Liar. Nothing about Carter except that he beat Ford. In the years between 1980-1988, Republican President Reagan, or the people covering for his incapacitation, do Iran-Contra. In 1991, Republican President George Bush leads the nation to war for oiiiiiil. In the years 1992-2000, the media and the evil Republicans attack Bill Clinton. In 2000 (it's a revised and expanded edition, don't you know?) a damn Republican steals the election.

The CDs run three hours. It took me almost six hours of interstate to finish them. Once I got to the last CD, I had to rinse every couple of seconds with some country music. Fortunately, the middle of Illinois has three things: corn, classic rock, and country. I was hoarse soon after the Wisconsin border from fusking the text. But I listened to the whole damn thing because I am a glutton for punishment. Or stupid. I prefer to think I am a glutton because (1) it's a deadly sin and (2) because it sounds cool when pronounced, accusingly, with a faux French accent.

I cannot attribute the general population's lack of knowledge of history to the condescension inherent in these "educational" books which warp the facts of history--call it spin, call it whatever you want, but textbooks and even popular bits like this contain more "narrative" and inferred meaning than are really necessary to convey the facts. In many cases, these "special features" can turn readers and students off to the content or to the actual history behind the content. Don't know much about history? You'll only know a little more after you finish this book, but you'll certainly get a particular story that--the author hopes--will make you think and vote "intelligently" and "appropriately," citizen.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:23 PM   0 comments

 
WWKW?

Angie Everhart's going to be the captain of one of the teams in the first annual Lingerie Bowl that will be played during the Superbowl.

Well, Would Kim Watch?

Vegas says 12 to 1 he will.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:25 PM   0 comments

 
Fisking Robert Cohen

I was going to fisk Robert Cohen's latest column, but it's too time consuming to refute this bad Santa's columns for no pay. However, I do want to snark about this bit:

The use of George W. Bush as a role model for a Democratic presidential aspirant is both novel and troubling. Bush, after all, is Mr. Secrecy. His White House -- actually, it's ours -- is virtually hermetically sealed. We still do not know who Vice President Cheney consulted in drawing up the administration's leave-no-energy-company-behind energy bill, and there is the little matter of our still not knowing why the administration went to war to rid Saddam Hussein of weapons he did not have. It is -- shhh -- a secret.

My snarkage:

• Leave-no-energy-company-behind energy bill? Come on, Dicky, this administration left their oil buddies at Enron behind, didn't they? Oh, never mind. I cannot talk sense into you. I better just call you Dicky again to elevate this conversation to its proper depth.
  
  
• not knowing why the administration went to war to rid Saddam Hussein of weapons he did not have? Come on, that's so cliché, and a lying cliché at that. Are you (a) really that simplistic in your analysis of foreign policy, or (b) dumbing it down because you think your readers are that simplistic about foreign policy? Which is worse?
  
  Actually, I'd like to point out that "administration" and "weapons" still have more than one syllable. Just in case you think the American public disagrees with you and yours because they just don't understand! You can still make it dumberer for them.

I keep asking myself why I bother to try to read things with which I disagree since they make me so angry. Life's too short. I should stick to pulp fiction.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:06 PM   0 comments

 
Reasons I am a Paul Bettany Fan

Let me count the reasons:

1. He is the second most sexy man in the universe. Just look at the man.
   
   
2. He lives with Jennifer Connelly, and while she's not the sexiest woman in the world, she's quite up there.
   
   
3. As Blackfive reports, Bettany knows how to handle French reporters.
   
   

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:53 PM   0 comments

 
What's Wrong with That?

I think Die Hard is a perfectly good answer to the question What is your favorite Christmas movie?
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:58 AM   0 comments

 
Yes, Ms. Postrel, There Is a Santa Claus

Virginia Postrel, commenting on David Brooks' recent New York Times column (registration required), asks and then answers her own question:

The column, which deserves reading in full, leaves unanswered a rather important question: What's the point of Republican political power? Nothing more than job security for a different clique?

Well, yes.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:07 PM   0 comments

 
Glad I Got It For Free

In his latest six-columns-for-the-price-of-one, which would also seem to be six-columns-with-the-forethought-of-one, Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun-Times spends a little time between the asterisks to ding Bush for not attending soldier funerals:

In the meantime, our current president Punk'd the world with his stealth visit to Baghdad last week -- proving that even in this day and age, it's possible for POTUS to make a safe, quick visit to almost any event in the world.

Sure would like to see President Bush try a similar mission and show up at a memorial service for one of those American soldiers who keep getting killed in Iraq, even though the war is over.

Hey, Rick. You pick one. The single soldier to be so honored. The one who's more important than the others.

Pretty easy for a newspaper columnist, wot?
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:01 PM   0 comments

 
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee! My Ears!

Roger Freeman, gossip reporter, does the previously unthinkable and always the unpalatable:

He suggests a Billy Joel duet with Dido.

Noooooooo! The Piano Man with the....the founder of Carthage? Whatever will this trollop be known as in thirty years other than the Trivial Pursuit answer to the question about Stan?
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:56 PM   0 comments

 
Helping the Brother Move

This weekend, I didn't get to post because I went home (Wisconsin, that beautiful northern state that's also home to Harvey, Owen, and DC) to help my brother move from Milwaukee to LaCrosse. It's the other side of the state, but fortunately the short way.

It was good to be home. It's easy to forget the experience of being in Milwaukee during winter football season, wherein a full fifteen percent of the population wears apparel bearing the Green Bay Packers logo. I am not kidding. It's one thing to remember it abstractly, but to see it firsthand is always somewhat shocking.

And they think they have football fans in St. Louis.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:45 PM   0 comments

 
Outside, on Monday Morning, in LaCrosse

I saw children standing on the corner waiting for the bus. By themselves. In 20 degree weather.

Here in tropical Casinoport, Missouri, children don't wait on the corner for the bus. They wait in running SUVs that crowd about the corner. When it's sixty degrees.

Must be the small town life, or hardy Northern stock.


- posted by Brian J. @ 7:33 PM   0 comments

 
Passing Through Madison

On the way home from LaCrosse, I passed through Madison, Wisconsin, and I had the urge to stop to Ann Packer's house. It would be the proper way to express my appreciation for her book, and if she had her Christmas lights up already, it might lend a spooky ethereal effect if they blinked through streamers of Charmin.

Silly me! I remembered then that she lives in Northern California and only writes "authentic" novels about Wisconsinites who only come alive when they leave Wisconsin for cosmopolitan locales. Maybe I could have thrown a perfect Brett Favre spiral and one-hopped a roll to northern California if I bounced it just right in Colorado, but odds were it'd hit the eastern side of the Rockies and flutter hopelessly down, leaving her home unscathed.

It was a long drive home. I had a lot of time to think.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:33 PM   0 comments

 
And the Next Day

My brother moves to LaCrosse, and the God-fearing people begin their flight.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:18 PM   0 comments

 
Jeepers Creepers

Oh, yeah, secure your gear. Office creepers aren't something from a horror movie crossed with Dilbert. They're thieves who prowl office buildings, often during work hours, who hoover up unsecured wallets, purses, and electronics. I have warned you time and again.

(Link seen on Techdirt.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:04 PM   0 comments

 
Today's Object Lessons

Courtesy of the Everquest players who killed Kerafyrm, The Sleeper, an "unkillable" monster designed to be the end of the EverQuest world or something. Players should not have been able to kill it, you see. Seems that the Sony development team gave the beast 10 billion hit points, a bunch of invulnerabilities, and an unbelieveable regeneration rate, and 200 players teamed up to do the impossible. Much to Sony's chagrin.

Lessons to be learned:

• Developers:
  Don't even tell me about "Functions As Designed." Just because you think that no user would do what you believe is improbable doesn't mean he or she will not. If you need something to be impossible to kill, make it impossible to kill. If I tell you it's possible to enter bad data into the database, don't tell me that a user wouldn't enter bad data. He or she will, and your faulty application allowed it.
  
  
• Everyone:
  Out there on the Internet, there are a lot of patient people with lots of time that they can spend probing, prodding, and investigating vulnerabilities. They have more infinity than you do. Close your ports, and good luck to you.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:01 PM   0 comments