Musings from Brian J. Noggle: July 2003

Journalist Overstates Importance of Variant Spelling

In a story on FoxNews.com entitled Hip Hop Artists Rewrite Dictionary, Jennifer D'Angelo fawns over variant spellings used by hip-hop and rap artists, such as Nelly ("Hot in Herre"), Mya ("My Love Is Like … Wo"). and Christina Iwannabareall ("Dirrty"). She goes so far as to assert:

Every generation invents its own slang (think of the ever-changing synonyms for "cool.") But this crop of artists is changing the spellings of already established English words. I beg to differ. Ms. D'Angelo is forgetting:

Song Title:	Artist:	Year:
"Tip Toe Thru' The Tulips With Me"	Tiny Tim	1968
"Gimme Dat Ding"	Pipkins	1970
"Tuff Enuff"	Fabulous Thunderbirds	1986
"C'Mon And Get My Love"	D-Mob featuring Cathy Dennis	1990
"Nothing Compares 2 U"	Sinead O'Connor	1990
Source: The Billboard Book of One Hit Wonders

Song Title:	Artist:	Year:
"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"	Rod Stewart	1979
"I Gotcha"	Joe Tex	1972
"Outa-Space"	Billy Preston	1972
"Pop Muzik"	M	1979
"Use Ta Be My Girl"	The O'Jays	1978
Source: The Billboard Book of Gold & Platinum Records

Song Title:	Artist:	Year:
"Betcha By Golly Wow"	The Stylistics	1972
"C'mon Everybody"	Eddie Cochran	1958
"Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"	Stevie Wonder	1974
"Every 1's a Winner"	Hot Chocolate	1978
"Lawdy Miss Clawdy"	Lloyd Price	1952
"Rockit"	Herbie Hancock	1983
"U Got The Look"	Prince	1987
Source: The Heart of Rock and Soul

And I didn't even dig into my copy of Billboard Top 1000 Singles - 1955-2000, okay?

So D'Angelo has discovered a trend in song titling that has extended back 50 years at least. Perhaps she should have gotten a government grant of some sort to unearth it.

The difference, of course, between then and now is that some people, including some educators, are trying to legitimize these alternate spellings in written communication. In the name of self-expression, of course. However, half of written communication is expressing what you want to express. The other half is conveying that meaning so that the reader can understand.

Hence, variations in song titles are okay, because the actual communication is aural; that is, the recipient gets the benefit of a beat you can dance to and inflection. However, in written communication, standard spelling, syntax, and semantics alone convey all meaning, so if you're busy "expressing your individuality" by writing gibberish and higherglyphics, you're losing readers. Sorry to dent your self-esteem.

So what're my points?

Variant spelling in song titles and lyrics isn't a new phenomenon.
It's okay for song titles and lyrics, but not for "the dictionary."
I have a lot of cool books about music.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:47 PM 0 comments

Phrase Those Questions Carefully

The illuminated state of Illinois has clarified, according to a story in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, that:

So during those coital communications, take care in choosing your words for communication with your partner. Such inappropriate questions as "Did you hear the doorbell?", "Is that your husband's car pulling into the driveway?", or simply "Do you like that, baby?" might lead to you committing rape.

Remember to phrase the questions as true/false ("True or false: You like that, baby."), short answer ("What did you hear just then that sounded like 'ding-dong'?"), or multiple choice ("The crunch of wheels on gravel was caused by, a) your husband returning home, b) your husband's assistant, Johnny 'Cheeks' Moreso, arriving to pick you up for your shopping trip, c) my frightened-but-strangely-excited imagination, or d) both a and b?").

Note:

Some might say I am misinterpreting the written communication this article poses. An article written by a journalist I assume to be calm and rational, an article covering a law composed by reflective and deliberate legislators, an article I read while sober and reasonable. If I can misinterpret this written communication in the best of circumstances, how absurd is it then to criminalize a potential misinterpretation of a spoken communication composed and delivered while in the throes of hormones, passion, and/or quite frankly oftentimes a bunch of booze?

Also, does the application of the term "bad boy" or "bad girl" assign criminality?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:04 PM 0 comments

Defective Shirt Alert!

Everyone knows that Frank J.'s Nuke the Moon tee shirts impart extra chutzpah, moxie, and other worthy attributes upon wearers, but sometimes the finely-tuned magic can go disastrously awry.

For example, the one that Rachel Lucas got is apparently defective, and dangerously so.

Can't you see she's leaning to the left!

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Iraqi Population Brought Into 21st Century

The Professor links to an article about the drive of Iraqis to learn English. It's a neat piece, but here's the most telling quote:

''We have not seen anything from the United States of what they promised,'' he said. ''I want to help them help me.'' This particular Iraqi wants the United States to provide him with fresh water, electricity, phone service, and who knows what else. He wants the United States government to help him personally.

Sounds like these people are well on their way to the American form of government already. For whom can he vote to receive the best goodies?

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:07 PM 0 comments

Support Trade Paperback Publishers

Pejmanesque links to a Washington Post review of Ann Coulter's Treason and Tammy Bruce's THE DEATH OF RIGHT AND WRONG: Exposing the Left's Assault on Our Culture and Values. Anne Applebaum, the reviewer, says:

Yet about halfway through Treason, an extended rant on these subjects, I felt a strong urge to get up, throw the book across the room, and join up with whatever Leninist-Trotskyite-Marxist political parties still exist in America. As I often suggest, Anne, get those books with which you are wont to disagree, particularly the more screedulous, in trade paperbacks so they're suitable for throwing and stomping. My copy of Stupid White Men has been flung and crushed to the very brink of losing pages. If you're reviewing galleys or advanced review copies, they should be safe for the throw.

Bonus question: Ann Coulter has escalated her criminal allegations against liberals from Slander to Treason in just one book. Wouldn't it have been wiser to have different, intermediate level crimes between the two books. Perhaps Arson or Grand Theft Auto or Photographing Missouri Animal Research Facilities. Instead, by going directly to the most capital of crimes, how can Coulter escalate the rhetoric further? Will her next book be called Genocide or Crimes Against Humanity, or has she titled herself into a corner?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:54 PM 0 comments

Ex Post Facto Are Just Words from a Dead Language

In Waukesha, Wisconsin, they're throwing the new book at a guy who surreptitiously videotaped girlfriends nude. Well, not nude, since that's art. They were naked. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reports:

Avello was charged with two felonies in February for possessing the tapes without the women's consent and producing them while each was "nude in a circumstance in which she had a reasonable expectation of privacy." A possible legal problem arises since the videotapes were made in the late 1990s, and the law that they're rolling up and spanking Avello with was enacted in 2001. Obviously, this would be an unconstitutional application, ex post facto, of laws. But this is a CINS (Crime Involving Nakedness or Sex) situation, so it's important to chillingsworth this guy, lock him up for a decade or two, deprive him of rights to vote and own guns, and put his name in an extra bad database registry.

One of the State's men says:

There you have it. Ex Post Facto overruled by an ADA. Thanks for coming up with the idea, founding fathers, but it's so eighteenth century.

Just in case you bump into a judge who disagrees, Mr., uh, Ted, you can always charge Avello with not having a business license.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:26 PM 0 comments

Bullets and Beer

I have not yet plugged it here, but Bob Ames is running a great site on Robert B. Parker and his Spenser novels at Bullets and Beer.

As I grew up a potential writer, Robert B. Parker offered a shining example on a hill. I described the experience on Bullets and Beer with my essay "Meeting Robert B. Parker."

As a result, I have collected the works of Robert B. Parker. Bob's got a list of my covers, but I've got a better listing of my collection.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:36 PM 0 comments

Microsoft BBBOOOOBBBBBB!

Sorry. I never saw it, but I remember the nature of Microsoft's failed user-friendly construct, Bob. My darling Heather said that I was the second person to mention Bob to her recently(her formerly blue-haired boss was first). This Seattle Weekly story, which I saw on /., is the third source which confirms the fool thing actually existed.

Honestly, honey, Microsoft, back around Windows 95, had this little animated character that showed you everything you wanted to know about your home computer. Think of Clippy running whenever you turned the computer on.

Heck's pecs, I had the Little Computer People Discovery Kit on my Commodore 64. Bradley, my little computer person, looked like Bob. In 1987.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

Paranoia Is Just Another Word For Something Left To Lose

More wireless networking hysteria in today's Washington Post.

Rule #1: The hackers are always smarter than you are.
Rule #2: The hackers will always have more time to try to break your security than you have time putting the security in place.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:52 AM 0 comments

Raises A Constitutional Right

In Illinois, anyway, where the Supreme Court has recently abjudicated its members and other statewide judges into a raise when the governor said the state couldn't afford the cost of living adjustments this year.

Forget the constitutional crisis that occurs when the state comptroller doesn't dish out the money. Let's think about the wisdom of allowing a bunch of judges to sue non-judges. Where the hell do you find an impartial trial for that?

Oh, and lest we overlook it, these sagacious twits have decreed themselves a raise to $162,530 a year because they were barely scraping by at $158,103 a year.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:22 AM 0 comments

Stating the Obvious

News flash:

"The nation needs to break the chains of our addiction to prison...."

Maybe we just need to make going to prison into a felony to deter people from doing it.

(Link seen on Drudge.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:15 AM 0 comments

One More Reason To Boycott French Wine

Mapchic tells a diabolical story about the hijinks that occur in the wine industry, particularly how those dastardly French winemakers operate.

Who needs French wine? Not me! Might I recommend, if you absolutely need a wine that sounds foreign (shiraz not withstanding), try the Concha y Toro Frontera Merlot. It's dry. It's red. It's got alcohol.

The only thing better than a $4.99 merlot is a lot of $4.99 merlot, and the two often go hand-in-hand!

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:35 PM 0 comments

Corollaries to the Axiom

In the June 2003 issue of Esquire, Ilene Rosenzweig writes "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" which offers the following sage advice:

10. Women judge men by the way they drive. If you aren't at least ten miles per hour over the speed limit, we think you're a wimp with no ambition. Heavy foot on the brake? Too neurotic and can't dance. We also analyze your sexual potential at mealtime. Drive fast. Eat slow. I've been looking for a new philosophy, so I decided this one was it: Drive fast. Eat slow. Especially when trying to impress a babe.

I conducted some surreptitious research on this new axiom while trying to impress a beautiful woman last weekend and can offer the following corollaries:

Do not use the red four-cylinder "sports" car owned by the babe when proving you're not a wimp and that you have ambition.
When assertively and decisively changing lanes, remember to leave a distance approximately equivalent to the 6:15 Freight Express, that is, about four train cars and a locomotive, between you and the vehicle in front of you. Particularly if you're driving the red "sports" car.
Don't utter, at about 85 dB, invectives to the other drivers.

You can call these the Brian J. Corollaries, if you wish, and you may use them at will in geometric proofs as necessary. Follow the corollaries as the axiom, and you will lead a more fulfilling life.

Oh, and one more hint, but this one doesn't earn corollary status: order the couscous. You cannot eat couscous quickly without using a spoon.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:54 PM 0 comments

You've Forgotten A Key Point, My Dear

My beautiful wife links to a story about an Oracle manager, an Indian, who used his undue managerial influence to receive monicas from a developer, also an Indian. So of course she sued Oracle.

My beautiful wife says:

The lawsuit said that Oracle knew or should have known of the different cultural and legal context in which Anand was used to working in India, where managers can often exert unfettered power over their female subordinates.

You poor, uncynical creature. This is a perfect case of DIYD/DIYD (an acronym pronounced "died-died"). Because the Oracle did not treat the non-Caucasian differently than it would treat an American, it's getting sued. Of course, had it treated him differently, he would have sued them.

Lawsuits all around! It's a paradise!

- posted by Brian J. @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

Hijinks Still a Misdemeanor in Las Vegas

The St Louis Single Point-of-View is reporting that the whole Bambi-hunting thing, where people could pay $10,000 to hunt naked women in the Nevada desert and then, um, mount the trophies for a Nevada dessert, is admittedly a publicity stunt designed to promote videos depicting men hunting and, um, stuffing their 'kills' without a certified taxedermist present. Publicists would call that guerilla marketing, but those sorts of spoofs and hijinks are no laughing matter in LVNV.

But now he's going to get the "Las Vegas is a Family Place" marketing brochure thrown at him. He's being charged with a trumped-up misdemeanor charge because apparently misleading the news media is not yet a felony.

The story says:

The mayor said, "I'll do everything I can to see this man is punished for trying to embarrass Las Vegas." So the mayor admits that he will wield all power that he has as a government official to punish this man for the bad behavior (not a crime, mind you, just bad behavior) of embarrassing (that is, causing a human emotional response of shame-lite) in a freaking social construct (the fiefdom of said government official).

What is everything in the mayor's power? Fortunately, it's not much:

"This man" is promoter is Michael Burdick. He could get six months in jail and a $1,000 fine for operating without a proper business license. Fortunately, the avatar of Las Vegas has conjured a law with which to prosecute This Man so that he, the Embodiment of the Glorious City On Earth can find vengeance for the vast wrongs done upon The Almighty Yet Easily Embarrassed City of Sin. With this mighty cudgel, the petty tyrant shall once again affirm his power and his will.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:42 PM 0 comments

Jack Blade, American Poet

And all this could seem like a dream out the door
With everyday people, face down on the floor

from "The Secret of My Succe$s"
in the collection Big Life

Class, discuss:

Why would a dream leave the building, and would it use a door? Does this personification of the concept of "dream" work in the complete context of the poem?
What aspects of modern life command common people lie to face down on the floor and to not move, it's not kidding this is a real gun? How does this compare to Thoreau's assertion that most men lead lives of quiet desperation?
Does the juxtaposition of metaphors identify the harried nature of the contemporary world, or is it a feeble attempt to force rhymes?

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:25 AM 0 comments

Sitting Up With Mother Jones

My dear readers, I have hit for the monomyth cycle for you this time. I heard the call to adventure, that is, to read a left-leaning magazine to try to empathize with and understand the arguments of others. I crossed the first threshold when I bought such a magazine when I was in the belly of the whale at the bobomart where my beautiful wife buys her uberhealthy snacks and where I once bought an organic beer that tasted like barley soup. So I was initiated when I met with woman as the temptress, in this case Mother Jones (although I must admit I am not quite into the whole crone fetish). So I have returned, by the magickal flight of the magazine looping through the air as I tossed it in disgust, to bring knowledge, or at least a lot of words, about the experience.

* * * *

The cover story, "Goodbye, New World Order", retells the story of how the unilateralist cowboys in the Bush administration have wrecked the great edifices of the New World Order. You know, of course, what I say. I sing, "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road". The New World Order can start picking through its own rubble for loose change to afford its bloated needs. Got enough to retire your population with full pay at age fifty and develop the third world (now promoted to the second world with the collapse of the original "Second World") to a state of state largesse wherein the formerly-impoverished can also retire at fifty, too? No? Well, maybe you can find enough for a burrito instead.

* * * *

Then, we hear about the weepy circumstances in Tuvalu in a story called " All the Disappearing Islands".

It seems that this idyllic paradise features no arable land, offers jobs in fishing and gathering coconuts, and has a per capita income of $1,100, is threatened by (one supposes) George W. Bush (remember, he determines the fate of every living being on the planet). There's no crime in Tuvalu (apparently, there's no market for hot coconuts), and the people live close to nature (that is, at about sustenance level). It's paradise to certain political thinkers.

Of course, the piece is more of a dirge than a stirring reveille. The piece harps that global warming is gonna keep happening, regardless of what we do, and humanity's going to die out from our own wretchedness. So I won't opt for a subscription to Mother Jones in case that happens before the subscription would lapse.

* * * *

The photo essay "Too Beautiful For Death" describes Kashmir, the Indian province upon which Pakistan wants to get its mitts. The pictures are beautiful, of course, as the region must surely be. The text by Suketu Mehta wrings its hands suitably about how this area could lead to the single most devastating war to ever occur, and soon. It's hard to miss the significance of the numbers of millions or hundreds of millions who could die in such an event. As if that's not bad enough, the article's final pièce de résistance:

insane screaming of dying elephants

Dying elephants? What the schnuck? Never mind the people, but save the Indian elephants?

* * * *

In the story "Keeper of the Fire", a writer wraps its forelimbs around the leg of an anti-capitalist crusader who's out to raise labor costs required to manufacture the cheap goods we enjoy in this country without realizing that this successful crusade will drive investment from the underdeveloped regions benefitting, belatedly, from the Industrial Revolution and will make products we take for granted impossible to afford. After all, if a low-seniority union laborer who earns $20 an hour plus benefits spends two hours making your blue jeans, they're not going to cost $20 at Kohl's any more.

By the second paragraph, before anyone sensible could grab a break stick to pull the swooning writer from the profilee's trousers, the writer gushed this about the dreamboat liberal:

Technically, he is a part of the National Labor Committee, a letterhead group of four or five in a small warren of rooms loaned by UNITE in New York City. But beneath this façade he is an independent, a man controlled by no backers, free of any union, immune to academic nuance. All righty then. Dick Cheney once worked for Haliburton, and he's forever damned as their puppy. George W. Bush once ran the Texas Rangers, and now he's in Major League Baseball's batting gloves' pocket. But this guy is actively employed by the unions, and he's a renegade, unbeholden to anyone? That's when I fell for leader of the pack (vroom!).

* * * *

About this time, I am just flipping through to find the back cover. Hurrying past the reviews, and BAM! There it is! An ad for www.banpoundseizure.org. It says:

The betrayal must end.

still

allow

require

Oh, please, it's not as though the shelter gets on the horn the minute a golden retriever arrives and says, "Hey, Igor, I got that brain you wanted." I would guess that research labs are the second to last resort for animals that have not been adopted and are going to be put down. And not all research labs kill all the animals that pass through.

Oh, I do understand that animal whack job organizations want every shelter to be a no kill shelter, which means public animal control become infinitely growing housing projects and welfood programs for the good of a sub-sentient species. However, it's just not feasible. Don't say it is. Don't. You nutbar.

* * * *

And then I finally made it to the end of the magazine, not much dumber than when I started. Some of this stuff is so a priori wrong that I cannot understand it. To whom are they talking? People who don't like Indian elephants or puppies dying or don't want impoverished people earning money, I guess, and unfortunately this American nation has too many who hold those soundbite views without deeper understanding.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:09 PM 0 comments

The New Traditional

I heard on the radio today a commercial for the newest and bestest Lasik eye surgery techniques, which explained that whatever new gimcrackatron they've devised certainly beats the traditional Lasik methods.

Undoubtedly, Dr. McCoy would agree that those old, traditional means of Lasik surgery (such as those deployed against Virginia Postrel) were medieval butchers and that they were only one step above using leeches to suck that astigmatism right out of the eyeball.

Pardon me, but my family doesn't have a generations-long tradition for opening the front of the eyeball like a can of french-cut green beans and firing a computer-guided thing-we-used-to-call-a-"laser" against the retina until it scorched enough of the cones and rods to make things better, as though it was a military expedition to win over the hearts and minds of my optic nerve with napalm. Oh, yeah, and then they close it back up, and it either works or you're blind, oops.

Pardon me, but I have done too much QA with computers to trust them with anything like the impressionist-themed remainder of my vision, thankyouverymuch. Sure, I realize that the chances of failure are slim, but I buy lottery tickets with slimmer odds.

So my traditional Lasik surgery technique is mocking the very prospect. And as a conservative, remember, I demonstrate:

Fear and aggression of losing what remains of my sight.
Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity in adhering to my gruesome description of the procedure.
Uncertainty avoidance because new technology bad.
Need for cognitive closure so let's just drop the subject.
Terror management by thinking happy thoughts instead of Lasik procedures as I go to sleep to keep away the nightmares.

So thanks, but no schnucking way thanks.

This sentiment guaranteed only until next midlife crisis.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:48 PM 0 comments

Steve Chapman on Liberia

Steve Chapman, of the Chicago Tribune, asserts (registration required) that intervention in Liberia would be a pointless waste of American time, money, and lives.

He's right.

Sorry. I meant to say, "Indeed."

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:39 PM 0 comments

Todd Aiken Responds

El Guapo, an actual card-carrying Libertarian, has recently taken to writing to our shared Congressional representative Todd Akin to express his views as a constituent. El Guapo apparently e-mailed Representative Akin about his views on medicinal marijuana. Rep. Akin replied:

A principled response, apparently to El Guapo's e-mail.

I wonder, though, if the answer was canned. After all, someone I know once wrote, with pen and paper and stamp, to Def Dicky Gep, her congressional representative, to protest that the government had made AVSCOM, a military command and her place of employment, into a smoke-free environment. She smokes. So she wrote her Congressman.

Someone in the Congressman's office scanned her letter, found the word AVSCOM, stamped the canned response letter with the Congressman's signature, and stuffed it into an envelope. The constituent received a nice letter addressing her concerns about the impending closure of the command to save the federal budget. Def Dicky Gep was against it, believe him.

So that, too, was a principled, well-reasoned response.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:25 PM 0 comments

Hollywood Scientists Discover Cure for Sapphism

Hollywood scientists today have announced that they have found a cure for sapphism. Sapphism is an affliction known to, well, afflict innumerable sorority sisters, cheerleaders, housewives, and female prison inmates as well as other members of society, as studies (well, visits to the local non-chain video store) have shown.

The cinemackly-proven treatment for this affliction: the Ben Affleck character.

In the first trial, Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck's "character," a comic book illustrator of a singular facial expression, cures Joey Lauren-Adams' character of rampant and visible Sapphism. Although this first trial was promising, Hollywood scientists were cautious, not yet proclaiming their discovery.

However, in a second trial, Gigili, the Ben Affleck character, a person of undoubtedly immobile visage, cures the Jennifer Lopez character, inducing her to seduce a male with such come-hither lines as "It's turkey time. Come on, gobble gobble." (as reported by researcher Dr. Drudge.)

In double-blind studies, the Ben Affleck character was not found to cause harm to straight males (the Good Will Hunting study) or females not afflicted with Sapphism (the Bounce trial, among others). Scientists are encouraged by these findings and hope to submit the Ben Affleck character for FDA approval.

Competeing scientists, afraid of being locked out of a Ben Affleck character patent, have begun studying similar compounds such as the Bruce Affleck character or the AFLAC duck character in hopes of producing a similar affect. Early tests of these generic alternatives, however, are not promising.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:00 AM 0 comments

The Father of Pragmatism

Charles Sanders Peirce is one of the smartest guys you never heard of. He lived in the 19th century, studied a bunch of sciences, and pretty much founded the particularly American philosophical movement called Pragmatism. Granted, if you have heard of it, you've heard about what later thinkers like William James and John Dewey did to a perfectly good philosophy.

For example, I just re-read "The Fixation of Belief" which describes scientific inquiry as an epistemology that beats out mysticism and insanity. If you've got time, I'd recommend you read the whole thing. It's written clearly, without the cant used by contemporary academics to defend their tenure in esoteric philosophical journals. This essay appeared in Popular Science magazine back when scientific thought was popular.

Maybe I'll do a longer post sometime about how Peirce's thought meshes well with Objectivist and Existentialist strains in my own thought. If you, gentle readers, could stomach it.


christmasList.add(book );

christmasList.add(book );

christmasList.add(book );

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:46 PM 0 comments

On July 21, 2003, BurningEye Became Self-Aware

Hey, my second blog spawn is now online: Adam's Burning Eye.

Everyone stop by and snicker. With him, not at him.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

The Difference Between Republicans, Democrats

I urge all of you except my family members to read this piece of humor.

I shall unveil it live, using puppetry, to you family members at the family reunion this weekend, so do not spoil the surprise.

(As seen on Right We Are.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:27 PM 0 comments

The Headline I Want To See

Uday, Qusay Ead-Day

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:23 PM 0 comments

Michael Jackson Speaks Sense?

Drudge links to a story about Michael Jackson opposing jail for music swappers. I'd like to see more artists come out with this sensible position if and when they realize that prison inmates will spend their money on chocolate and cigarettes instead of $20 CDs with three good songs and eight filler tunes.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:00 AM 0 comments

Point / Counterpoint: Foreign Intervention

Iraq: Damned if you do.

Liberia: Damned if you don't.

Bush = Hitler? No, Bush = GOD. He kills people by acting, he kills people by not acting. This man apparently determines the fate of every person on the planet (and a couple cosmonauts on the International Space Station). Maybe I ought to start sending burnt offerings to Mark Racicot and the Republican National Committee.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:01 PM 0 comments

Ending the Felony Rampage

You loyal readers have noticed I often spit upon proposals to create new felony crimes or bump existing infractions up into felonies (come on, jaywalking causes over $1000 damage to public safety?). Well, some other digitaluminaries are weighing in on this very subject, including Professor Reynolds and Robert Prather (Not Richard Prather, sorry Shell Scott fans).

Now, if each of us could convince one of our senators that this is a good idea, we're a little under 6% of the way to reform! Well, not quite 6 percent, but closer than we are now.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:47 AM 0 comments

Paranoia Would Have Paid Off

Techdirt is linking to a story about a guy who installed keylogger software on Kinko's computers in Manhattan for years. He grabbed many, many sets of usernames and passwords and accounts before being caught.

How did he get caught?

A guy who used a remote access program called GoToMyPC to log into his home personal computer from Kinko's. Several days later, as this poor sap was sitting at his home PC, he was startled to see the mouse cursor moving on its own and looking through his computer, and then the computer made a new bank account with the mark's info, much to the mark's surprise.

The mark logged into his home PC from Kinko's! Class, how many security rules has this mark broken?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:14 PM 0 comments

Is "Iris" a Love Song?

Some people seem to think that the Goo Goo Dolls' song "Iris" is a love song.

Personally, I think it's begging for a restraining order. Hell, I creeped out women with mere sonnets describing their beauty, much less anything with the lines of

John Hinckley, Jr., might have hummed this tune were it around in 1981.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:03 PM 0 comments

Someone Put This on a Bumper Sticker, Stat!

SPAM HAPPENS

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

Book Report: We Can't Go Home Again by Clarence E. Walker

Since I read a lot and nothing good seems to come of it, I've decided to do a bit of brief book reviewing for you, my five Internet readers. I shall incorporate some puppetry for the sixth person who cannot read but logs in for the soothing blue tones.

I have just completed We Can't Go Home Again: An Argument about Afrocentrism by Clarence E. Walker, a professor at University of California at Davis. It's a highly academic book, as the 31 pages (out of 164) are end notes, and it's split into only two chapters: "If Everybody was King, Who Built the Pyramids: Afrocentrism and Black American History" (83 pages) and "'All God's Dangers Ain't a White Man' or 'Not All Knowledge Is Power'" (50 pages). Personally, this limitation (only two chapters) rather makes it difficult to read, since the organization of the material in the macrochapters is not readily apparent (by the subdivision).

Instead, we have super-sized chapters ill-suited for consumption by a McDonald's audience. The first chapter, "If Everybody was King, Who Built the Pyramids: Afrocentrism and Black American History", is the pure science of the book. Walker examines certain tenets of Afrocentric thought, such as Egypt (Kemet) as the primary source for most intellectual thought in the ancient world (which the white men of Greece and Rome ripped off) and that Egypt was even a "black" culture. Instead, Walker identifies Afrocentrism as a therapeutic movement that bears little relationship to actual history. Walker also explores how black African-Americans (not redundant) in the United States diverged from Africans by the nature of their passage to this hemisphere and their bondage.

I didn't trace the quotes nor research from his endnotes, so I cannot comment on the thoughts and arguments to which he is responding, but his historical points and interpretation make sense in themselves.

However, when we get to "'All God's Dangers Ain't a White Man' or 'Not All Knowledge Is Power'", Walker fails to signal for the left turn he makes. Just because Afrocentrism is wrong doesn't mean that affirmative action should be eliminated, I think he means. He begins the second paragraph of the second chapter (page 85, remember):

A rightward drift in American politics is moving the country toward what I call "free market racism," the state of American race relations during the last quarter of the nineteenth century, when the ideology of lassez-faire reigned supreme in the realm of economics and race on the national level. There he lost me. Not in a violent explosion of disbelief, during which I fling the book against the wall and/or stomp on it (this wasn't Stupid White Men, after all, and it is not a paperback). But by coining a term "free market racism," Walker provides the good citizens of ~~Oceania~~ academia with a twist of logic.

Racism and affirmative action, the practice this book defends, represent a statist intrusion into thought and practice in one form or another. Free market, on the other hand, represents a rational system of commerce wherein the best value wins. In a free market of ideas, individual performance should prove a better value than racism or affirmative action. Hence, "free market racism" is a paradox, a contradiction, and a big fat hanging straw man that Walker cracks with a full swing.

I was greatly disappointed with the practical application of repudiating Afrocentrism. Quit following a foolish, bankrupt, therapeutic ideology and start supporting affirmative action. Well, the professor does teach at the University of California at Davis. What did I expect?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:38 PM 0 comments

Clean Your Plate Or No Television Tonight!

My darling wife has discovered that people get fat from cleaning the plates put down in front of them in restaurants.

Pardon my french fry-induced coronary, but come on. Parents throughout the country made their little boomers clean their plates, and the boomers tried to enforce this dictum on Generation X. So when restaurants started putting pounds of high-margin plate fillers in front of paying customers to make the customers feel like they were getting four RBIs' in their Grand Slams, the customers would have made their parents proud. And they got four bags, all right, sagging upon their bods.

People have been conditioned to eat what's in front of them, but hey! You're Pavlovian pooches. Stop drooling when you hear the dinner bell, and push it away. You can still have your after-dinner Guinness. The waitress won't think less of you than she does already, you hard-to-please pinhead at table 42.

How about you only cook half the box of Taquitos, muchacho, or put half of them into the refrigerator for tomorrow. You'll still get all that good yummy Xanthan, Guar, and Carob Bean Gums and annatto colorant, but because you spread it over two servings, you'll get a better chance to savor them.

I understand thinking about what you're eating doesn't burn as many calories as just indiscriminately shoveling crap into your gaping maw, but sometimes it works better.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:35 PM 0 comments

Deciphering Brian J.

If you ever wanted to fully understand what I am saying, you need to visit this guide to Wisconsin slang.

This page also affirms the existence of cannibal sandwiches, a staple of my diet when growing up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:33 PM 0 comments

More Erring on the Side of Caution

Best of the Web links to a story about a boy and his dog. This particular boy is the governor of Connecticut, and his dog leaped from his car and was on the lamb, or on the man, for several hours before the law caught up with it.

The officers chased Coalby for about 3 miles, before a Wolcott man was able to grab the dog after officers shouted at him. How's the man doing?

Police said the man, Ed Humel, was taken to a local hospital after his arm ended up in the dog's mouth. Police would not characterize the incident as a bite. Not until the medical examiner reports, anyway. It could yet prove to be attempted zerbery.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:57 AM 0 comments

Happy Chappaquiddick Day

It's the 35th anniversary of Chappaquiddick. Remember to send your wishes to Senator Kennedy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:50 AM 0 comments

Erring on the Side of Caution

The headline says "Body in lake was chained to weight".

The lead paragraph says:

Dawn Brossard's hands were bound together and her body was held at the bottom of Geneva Lake by a weight and a chain, two officials said Wednesday. The sheriff's department, however, is not jumping to conclusions:

The Walworth County Sheriff's Department has not declared Brossard's death a homicide, saying it is awaiting a ruling from medical examiners on the cause of her death. It could yet prove to be natural causes.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM 0 comments

Democrat Lawmakers Underestimate Consequences of Music Swapping

Drudge links to a story about the new bill in Congress that will hang music swappers with a jail term for swapping tunes online.

It's hard to argue with their math:

The Conyers-Berman bill would operate under the assumption that each copyrighted work made available through a computer network was copied by others at least 10 times for a total retail value of $2,500. That would bump the activity from a misdemeanor to a felony, carrying a sentence of up to five years in jail. Because songs are obviously worth $250 each.

And our lawmakers have uncovered, in a series of hearings, the real consequences of file swapping:

spread computer viruses, create government security risks and allow children access to pornography

Good going, fellows, you have determined some of the contemporary bugaboos you can arbitrarily associate with with an issue to score extra Politicopoints. But I fear you've missed other grim consequences of file swapping:

Peer-to-peer file swapping has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals.
Peer-to-peer music swapping leads to increased manufacture and use of methamphetamine.
Peer-to-peer music swapping causes obesity because users no longer have to walk around a music store.
Peer-to-peer music swapping uses negative campaign ads against earnest incumbents.
Peer-to-peer music swapping contributes to global warming and depletes the ozone layer.
Software like Kazaa and Napster contributes to traffic accidents and SUV rollovers.

So undoubtedly, it is important to make this behavior a Federal felony so states cannot show some restraint in prosectution. It's very important to take away music swappers' rights to own firearms and vote, because when they come out five years of hard time for the eleventh download of Metallica's "St. Anger", they're going to be upset, and we don't want them to have any recourse against their legislator.

So it is important to obscure the true impact of music swapping, which is it has limited economic impact on a small industry with these "reasons."

If this bill fails on its own, remember you can attach it as an amendment to the next Congress Supports Mothers bill. Because what fool congressperson would vote against Mom?

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:50 AM 0 comments

As If They Would Have Given Us One Of Those Boxes

Honey, I see you've linked to a CNN Story about how hometown cable television maven Charter Communications has introduced a sooper cable box that plays DVDs and MP3s. Soon, cable boxes will also play video games, vacuum our entertainment rooms, and from then it goes down hill into drinking all our Guinness Draught and tying up the phone line all night.

You lament that we gave up cable before this became available. Honey, we were existing customers.
They wouldn't have given us this box without charging us extra anyway.

I was listening to Weber and Dolan this morning and they were going on about the business practices of cable companies. Bob Dolan went off on that cable companies have packages that are less expensive than their basic packages and that the customer has to specifically request that package; sales people will never bring it up on their own. Cable companies, and many of their counterparts in high tech services, want to squeeze you for as much as you can when you sign up, and if you're an existing customer, you get nothing until you complain or cancel.

Anecdotally, it's why AOL customers get cheap rates only when they try to cancel. Or why all of our equipment said AT&T for years after Charter took over AT&T's territory here in Casinoport, Missouri, and why the menus were all in middle English and the transmission was in pre-Arabic numerals (1 and who cares, which lead to snow in our reception).

Of course, were we to come crawling back (I mean, try to get the best deal as consumers), they'd throw us all sorts of bones. Want a cheaper rate for 6 months? Want a new box? Maybe some clear reception worthy of the nomer "digital"?

Part of our rebellion in ending the cable tyranny was our response to this sort of business plan which takes advantage of loyal customers and just milks them like old Holsteins already in the barn. Sure, we rebelled against the fact that suddenly our cable bill was double our electricity bill for much less use, but we also rebelled against the Business Plan wherein the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Customers who pay their bills for years without fail should get the latest and greatest automatically to reward their loyalties, but that's not the contemporary way, and we, in our own small way, tried to assure that this erroneous contemporary way of doing business is overthrown.

Did you think we only gave up our cable content, and hence our television, to save money? Where's your crusading spirit?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:34 PM 0 comments

Author Admits He's (Or She's) Too Old

No, not me. This piece takes X-Treme marketing to task for its ALL CAPS HYPE THAT STAID PRODUCTS ARE NOW EXTREME!!!!!

Obviously, the author of this piece is too old to get it. Get out of the way, fogey, and just give Gen AA (the 1-3 year olds) your credit card.

(As seen on The Weigh In.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:59 PM 0 comments

I Don't Want To Hear It

Japanese inventors are going to sell a device that translates cat meows into words, based upon the pitch, timbre, tambre, and who knows what else. Great. This technological innovation nearly matches the inclusion of the big, hairy string on their backs that you can pull to hear them make a noise.

As a cat owner myself, I can honestly say I don't care what they mean when they meow. I imagine it's usually the same pitiful meowing about their own quest for permahomeostasis and the shortcomings of the current stimuli in their environment. Kind of like talking to me during core business hours.

Besides, the cat doesn't give a schnuck about what I am saying at any given time, so I afford it the same courtesy.

(There, that should be enough cover so that my esteemed spouse would never expect it for Christmas.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:43 PM 0 comments

Lileks on Beer-making

James Lileks making your own beer:

I can understand making one’s own beer if, for example, beer is not otherwise available. But there’s a store down the street that sells all manner of fine beers. Some are from breweries that date back to the 18th century. I imagine they’ve gotten the kinks out by now, and it’s safe to drink. Probably even Modela Negro. Theoretically.

I know a couple of people, including the revered El Guapo, who make their own beers. I love you guys like brothers, but I'd like to point out two things about the process:

What you're doing looks kinda like work. I mean, growing your own hops? Is that necessary? That's prime napping time you're wasting.
You're totally not getting the capitalist system, wherein I exchange hours of writing illegible software documentation for a means of exchange, called money, which I can then trade for another good, namely delicious Guinness Draught. Your selfish manufacture of a good you could otherwise buy helps keep the economy stagnant and removes a excessive excisely tax revenue stream from trickling, or in our cases roaring, into state coffers.

Friends, and soon federal officials, won't let friends brew their own.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:18 PM 0 comments

Love Note

My darling, every time I see you, your beauty stuns me like a skillet to the face.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:44 AM 0 comments

When Black Bears Attack!

Apparently, a black bear has gone on a rampage in Colorado and has attacked several campers.

Although the knee-jerk response would be to import some giant kangaroos, which naturally prey upon black bears, this is not a good idea.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:55 PM 0 comments

Translation=Interpretation

Translation is as much "art" as science, and the obra regurgitated into the second language is subject to the translator's idiom and biases. I once saw a 1974 translation of a Pablo Neruda sonnet that turned no se hace nada con muerte as "I ain't got no truck with death," I kid you not. Who translated that, Shaft?

So it's with great skepticism and cynicism that I note the CNN story telling about a congressional flack translating the Constitution to dumb it down for students. Especially a congressional staffer who says of the Constitution (about its length) "it's an itty-bitty thing."

For example, look at the foreshadowing of the fun to be had when "translators" tell us what the Second Amendment means in common language. This guy's translation includes "citizens have the right to own firearms." The contentions have begun already.

I fear one of these translations will supplant the existing document. Hey, how about instead of translating the Constitution for children and the functionally illiterate populace, how about we expect people learn enough to read it in its original form?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

If I Had A Million Dollars (Or 73)

Pardon Mr. du Toit for exploding with rage when a Missouri couple who recently won half of a $261 million dollar Powerball jackpot said they were going to spend the money getting a tractor with brakes and buying a new refrigerator. Whereas Mr. du Toit raged, I understand. Whereas I understand the urge to splurge, I understand it's the shortest distance between old money and shining shoes (see also Janite Lee, et al) is philanthropy, big houses, and essentially eating the seed corn. Hey, I read The Millionaire Next Door. I know the secret to attaining wealth, and keeping it, is not spending it all.

Want to know what I would do with $73 million dollars in my fellow citizens' gambling losses?

I would pay taxes of some tens of millions of dollars.
I would pay off all my debts and my mortgage and my poor mother's mortgage.
I would invest the remainder in a variety of schemes, such as equities, and other investments, hopefully yielding 7-10% a year in returns.

That's it. No Porsche right away, no huge house, no yacht to travel around the world. Know why? Because at 7-10%, $30,000,000 principal yields $2,100,000-$3,000,000 each year in mad money. So once we got to the interest, then we'd have some fun!

Part of the beauty of that windfall would be the freedom from worry, and although the tempation to spend more than the interest would beckon, I'd want the peace of mind knowing that I have the steady income AND a pile of money in the bank. I understand the goal is to run out of money as close to the end of my retirement as possible, but this pile of money would ensure that my wife and I would receive the best health care in our near-retirement-end years, up to and maybe including transplanting our brains into cloned and flash-grown facsimiles of our 25 year old bodies for another several decades of not dipping into the principal.

That's the hypothesis, and I hope to get the opportunity to test it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:48 AM 0 comments

California State Government Unfriendly to Business? Ya think?

A column in the San Francisco Chronicle seems to indicate that California's state government abuse of business as merely sources for revenue and for social progress and not, you know, capitalism, is driving businesses to move elsewhere.

<fanfare>Epiphany!</fanfare>

Why do I suspect, though, that the publication of this column merely represents the equivalent of a revelation at a cocktail party that is followed by a brief moment of silence before the regular drone of conversation (regulation and taxation) begins again?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:07 PM 0 comments

On July 11, 2003, RooNet Became Self-Aware, Briefly

According to this story. which I originally saw on Drudge, a person, whose profession apparently is holidaymaker which would seem to indicate he designs and manufactures holidays, slew a giant kangaroo with an axe after it attacked several people.

Dang those Australians for taking care of business in a straightforward manner. Here in America, where animal life is more sacred than human life (Thanks, PETA!), we have certain rules for dealing with disenfranchised, oppressed kangaroos.

I provide them for your reference, so you level-headed, take-charge Australians (such as Mr. Blair) can better handle the situation in the future:

Either remain silent or make a lot of noise. Certainly one of these will prevent a giant kangaroo from ripping off your head and lying its unholy eggs in your torso.
Do not resist a giant kangaroo; do what it asks and follow the instructions it gives you. Unless it asks you to remove your own head.
If you feel a giant kangaroo is following or watching you, go into a populated location and tell everyone that a giant kangaroo is following you and ask them to call the police. They will be glad to!
Do not get into a car with a giant kangaroo; if it takes you somewhere, you won't come back.
Always acknowledge a giant kangaroo that knocks at the door or rings the bell. You don't have to open the door, but you should always let it know you are home.
Stop! Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Australian.
If walking in a giant kangaroo-infested area, carry your valuables in two pouches. This confuses a kangaroo, who only has a single pouch.
Make a conscious effort to get an accurate description of the giant kangaroo that attacks you so you can pick it out of a police hop-up.
If a giant kangaroo beats the living vinegar out of you, as degrading as it may be, preserve the evidence. Do not alter the crime scene in any way. Don't shower, bathe, douche, floss, apply direct pressure to the open, oozing wounds, cut off limbs for style reasons, or swim in tar pits. Do not change clothes or hair styles. Ask a trusted friend (that is, one who won't laugh at you for getting beaten by a giant kangaroo) to accompany you to the hospital for initial treatment and for the administration of a medical exam to preserve DNA evidence and to document injuries. The examination and evidence preservation often seems as emotionally difficult as the giant kangaroo attack itself, yet it is essential to the apprehension of the damn, dirty marsupial that attacked you. The police department typically covers the cost of the examination if done in furtherance of the investigation.
Always report a giant kangaroo attack to the nearest American Consulate, even if you're in the United States at the time and the nearest consulate is in Ottawa, Mexico City, or Irkutsk.
If you must axe a kangaroo, axe it in the leg so we can take it in for questioning.

Following one or more of these rules will prevent any harm from coming to the giant kangaroo, the goal of American Animal Friendly policy.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:38 PM 0 comments

I'm Not Very Good At This Game

I have been playing the early, buggy version of Real Life, and I cannot seem to level up.

(As seen on /.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:34 PM 0 comments

Yes, But Can They Teach A Straight Guy To Dance?

CNN's talking about a new Bravo show called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in which a team of stylish gay men offer a makeover to a stylistically-challenged straight man (which is almost, but not always, a tautology).

Sounds like a good idea to me. But can they teach him to dance? If so, perhaps I should sign up.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:33 PM 0 comments

Galt's Speech, It Ain't

Although I might be the last blogger to link to it, Bill Whittle's essay "Trinity" describes the three principles that make America great.

It's long, but it's not Galt's Speech long.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:18 PM 0 comments

On July 11, 2003, SkyNet Became Self-Aware

In the United Kingdom, an airship with a computerized brain has escaped and taken off into the blue.

Sure, its computer is only designed to help the giant balloon avoid obstacles, but that's what it wants us to think!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:51 PM 0 comments

Today's Compare/Contrast Paper Assignment

Okay, class, today I want you to write a compare/contrast paper where you describe the similarities and differences between the following statements and value judgments:

Spraying the departing White House press secretary with a fire hose: Funny!

Throwing a water balloon near Speaker of the House: Felony!

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:23 PM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Don't act like a piñata unless you want to take some whacks.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:13 PM 0 comments

And Is A Photo With a Birth Announcement Now a Civil Right?

I just can't stop getting riled over this item about the baby with the birth defects and its litiguous parents. As you remember, this baby died from its severe and disfiguring birth defects and its parents began a crusade to force a newspaper to print its picture with the birth announcement. These parents also filed civil rights complaints against the news paper.

Civil rights complaints? Getting your picture with your birth announcement is a CIVIL RIGHT now?

I imagine they framed this in some sort of discrimination against disabilities legalese. However, the exclusion of the photograph isn't discrimination against the child, who is dead anyway (although its estate and legacy might turn out to be more than my annual salary). It's editorial discretion.

Can I file a civil rights claim because I don't get to grace the cover of Esquire or the centerfold of Playboy (those sexist schnucks are discriminating based on my gender!)?

I would hope whatever authorities see these complaints dismiss them easily, but common sense is proving harder and harder.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:09 PM 0 comments

Thought for the Day

Paranoia is never unjustified, only yet unproven as true.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:02 PM 0 comments

Rage Is Much Easier Than Grief

When your child is born with extreme, visible birth defects from which it dies from in five days, people expect you to grieve. I can sympathize.

Whereas you might want the child's birth announcement for your scrapbook, that's okay too. However, I also understand when the newspaper might balk at running a photograph of the child, especially a newborn with extreme facial birth defects. In normal circumstances, people might accuse the paper of sensationalism or insensitivity for running a photo like that.

I do not have any sympathy, however, for throwing a civil fit because the paper balked.

A couple of parents in St. Louis are doing just that. The mother, in between filing civil complaints against the publisher of the Suburban Journals, offered this bit of vocabularial ignorance:

"He ... used the word 'disfigured,'" Kelly Kittinger said. "He needs sensitivity training if he's going to be dealing with the public." Let's go to the dictionary:

dis·fig·ure

tr.v. dis·fig·ured, dis·fig·ur·ing, dis·fig·ures

These particular birth defects ("Perjorative!" the PC banshees will soon wail) marred the appearance of the baby. Disfigured is an accurate description, and I'm certainly not in favor of sensitivity training that destroys accuracy to sooth inflamed feelings of an allegedly grieving mother.

However, this mother is subverting grief into "righteous" rage at the indignities afllicted upon her lost child by lashing out. Perhaps something good will then come of the child's short life. Increased "sensitivity" and maybe a little settled-out-of-court jackpot for the ~~grieving~~ raging parents.

Also, kudos to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for its continuing coverage of this important breaking story and for showing its compassion for the "little people" by elevating trivial slights into crusades while humping the legs of big corporate interests in St. Louis (publicly funded stadiums, anyone?). An earlier story this week described the birth defects and their disfiguring nature. The linked story does not. By Sunday's paper, perhaps you, oh monopolithic dispenser of wisdom, will have forgotten why the Suburban Journal balked at displaying the picture at all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:49 PM 1 comments

A Gentle Reminder

Remember, dear reader, the number 1 hit song from C+C Music Factory was not entitled "Everybody Dance Now" even though that's what "Zelma Davis" shouted several times during the song, between Freedom Williams' rapping. The correct title for this song is "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Please remember to request it by its full name the next time you're in a honky tonk.

Tidbit: The reason I enclosed Zelma's name in scare quotes is because VH1.com asserts that she merely lip synched vocals performed by others. Talk about a thing that makes you go hmmmm.

- posted by Brian J. @ 2:59 PM 0 comments

Reader Survey Response for Speakeasy Magazine

As some of you know, I fancy myself a "Writer" who dabbles in fiction but also keeps his or her, sorry, Proper Writer Ettiquette sneaking in, MY eyes on more literary fiction, just in case I write a short story in which no crimes occur, no swords are swung, and nobody disappears into a quantum universe. Market research, don't cha know?

So anyways, I picked up a copy of Speakeasy, a writers' musing kind of magazine which contains a bunch of personal essays typically grouped around a theme by professorial writers. I liked it well enough to subscribe, so now I get this magazine delivered every week. Of course, since I was once voted by the Marquette University English Deparment staff as the Most Likely Not To Return To the University (I think I was the only one in the program, and certainly I seem to hold that distinction), I'm not a typical subscriber.

In fact, I work for a living. Well, I write software documentation, and it's true you can put an analogy on the SAT that says Work:Technical Writing::Play: and make the correct answer b.) Napping. I spend 40 hours a week, 49 weeks a year, turning the great Corporate Millstone. Oh, and I vote Republican. So I'm not exactly a typical Speakeasy subscriber.

So I was ever so pleased to read my May/June 2003 "Speak Out! Voicing Dissent: A Special Section On Writing and Politics" issue. Not only does it amuse me to read the prognostications and pre-emptive outrage for the coming war with Iraq that these sorts of magazines provide (read any Harper's from the winter and spring for fun), but it included the Speakeasy Reader Survey.

I have such a blast shattering stereotypes of typical readership that I had to respond:

How do you get Speakeasy?	X I subscribe _ At the newstand or bookstore _ Borrow from a friend _ At the dentist's or doctor's office _ I'm a Loft member
How do you read Speakeasy?	_ From cover to cover _ I'll finish reasing most of the issue before the next arrives X I might read a few articles that catch my eye
What do you do with your copy of Speakeasy?	_ So far, I have been saving them _ I pass it on to ____ (this # of) friends X It goes out with the recycling
Are you.....	_ A writer _ A reader X A writer who reads _ A reader who writes
If you consider yourself a writer, what do you like to write?	Genre fiction, essays, user's guides
Where do you write (in a café, at home, in the garage...)?	In a home office
Has your work been published?	X Yes _ No
As a reader or writer, what do you value most in Speakeasy? Why do you read Speakeasy?	I enjoy the brief, lightweight musings.
Which of the following actions has Speakeasy inspired? [I assumed they meant in me]	_ I bought a book reviewed or advertised in the magazine _ I developed a colossal case of writer's block _ I read more by a consulting author _ I brought a Speakeasy theme into my writing or discussion
What types of books do you like to read (poetry, mysteries, fiction, cookbooks...)?	Mysteries, science fiction, fantasy, nonfiction
Where do you typically get your books?	_ Library _ Borrow from friends X Purchase
Where do you purchase most of your books?	_ Chain Bookstores _ Independent, local bookstores _ The Internet _ Catalogs X Garage Sales
How many books (of all types) did you buy last year?	_ Less than 5 [sic] _ 5 to 9 _ 10 to 14 _ 15 to 19 X 20 or more
What else do you like to shop for?	_ Clothes - I'm a fashion maven _ Music - I love (circle): Rock and roll Jazz Classical Other: _______________ _ Furniture, housewares - my home is my castle _ Anything, but only on the Internet _ The parking lots? The crowds? I'd rather read _ Other __________________
Where do you buy most of your food?	X Supermarket _ Farmer's market _ Co-op _ Health food or specialty store _ Other ____________________
What is the ideal beverage to accompany your reading or writing?	_ Hot cocoa _ Orange juice X Beer _ Wine _ A good martini or two _ Coffee _ Other _____________
While writing or reading, do you like listening to music?	X Yes _ No
What kind of music?	Jazz
What other magazines do you read regularly?	_ Poets & Writers _ Utne _ The Sun _ Outside _ The New Yorker _ Bon Appetit _ Rolling Stone X Other The Atlantic Monthly, Harper's, Family Handyman, Handy, St. Louis Homes, Intercom, Technical Communicator, America's 1st Freedom, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Spin, Esquire, FHM, Writer's Digest, The Writer [I had to include an attachment to list these, which represent only my current active subscriptions.]
In the last year, how many times did you attend the following cultural events?	Live music? _1_ Live theater? _0_ Art gallery or museum? _1_ Movies? _10_ Publication reading? _0_ Spoken word event? _0_ Book group? _0_ Writers' group? _0_ Environmental group? _0_ Political forum? _0_ Political demonstration? _0_ Other _0_ [Heck, I didn't even go to that many hockey games this year.]
Have you ever written a letter to the editor of your favorite newspaper or magazine?	_ Yes X No [Of course, my current favorite magazine is The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. You don't write too many responsive letters of outrage to genre digest magazines. It has, however, rejected my short fiction submissions.]
What kind of television do you watch?	_ Only the news _ Cooking shows - as many as possible _ I indulge in the occasional sitcom or dram--a good story is a good story _ Sports X TV? I never touch the stuff, give me books! [Apparently, this question refers to what type of television content* you watch, not what kind of television upon which you watch it. We use a 25" Sharp.]*
What is your favorite literary moment involving a car?	None [Who can name any* literary moment involving a car?]*
What kind of car do you imagine yourself driving?	_ Honda sedan _ BMW convertible _ SUV _ Hybrid vehicle X Vintage muscle car _ Why drive? I own a bicycle [I doubt by "hybrid vehicle" they mean like a DUKW, but that would be a cool vehicle to have. Of course, by "Vintage Muscle Car, I mean a 1984 Ford Mustang GT with a 5.0 liter engine.]
What kind of car do you actually drive?	GMC Sonoma pick-up
What's your favorite travel activity?	_ Theme parks _ Cruises _ Hiking/biking _ Ecotourism _ Gambling X Activity? I prefer to lie on the beach [or sit in a coffeeshop] with a book
Where have you traveled in the past year?	X The continental United States _ Canada _ Alaska, Hawaii, or the Caribbean _ Central or Latin America _ Europe _ Asia _ Africa _ Other ____ [Nobody tell Tim Blair that Australia doesn't get its own check box, the same as Antarctica.]
How do you make travel plans?	_ I've had the same travel agent for years X Internet, Internet, Internet _ Plans? I point wes (east, south, north) and drive [Better answer for me: Say "Okay" to beautiful wife.]
Age	31
Gender	X M _ F
Education	X High school _ Technical school X Some college X Undergraduate degree _ Advanced degree [An undergraduate degree in philosophy leads one to recognize that an undergraduate degree or an advanced degree would require some college as a prerequisite.]
Occupation	_ Professional X Technical _ Business owner _ Educator or academic X Writer, artist, or other creative field _ Self-employed [I wanted to check "academic," too, since no one really reads the friendly manuals so my job is largely academic, but I doubt that's what they meant.]
Household Size	_ 1 adult X 2+ adults _0_ Number of children
Annual household income	_ Up to $30K _ $30K to $40K _ $40K to $50K _ $50K to $75K _ $75K to $100K _ $100K to $250K _ More than $250K [It says check one, but what do you do if you make $30K a year? There are two check boxes! Note that I have not filled this out for you, dear readers, because as my maternal grandfather, Grampa Naperschevski, used to say, "Do not reveal sensitive financial information on the Internet."]
City of residence	Maryland Heights
State of residence	Missouri

All right, it's not the Political Compass quiz, but it's something, and I don't doubt I fit into the minority of subscribers who voted for Bush for president and will do so again.

I've subscribed to slicks every since I was a lonely conservative voice in Writing Intensive English program at college, when I spent twenty bucks on Harper's instead of, well, textbooks. I hope that my answers to surveys like these remind the editors that a variety of viewpoints consume their material, and to remember that pick-up driving people in the reddest part of the red states can be thoughtful, inquisitive, and appreciative of good prose.

But it's too easy for me to think that if the magazines do notice the low numbers who responded atypically don't matter, or were merely shining them on.

- posted by Brian J. @ 12:48 PM 0 comments

Checks and Balances and Who Needs a Constitution Anyway?

Nevada Supreme Court overrules Nevada Constitution.

(Pointer from InstaPundit.)

The End.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:17 AM 0 comments

Support the Biking Wife

As some of you know, my beautiful wife has a bike now, a biking team of which she is a part, and an urge to ride 150 miles in two days to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

I urge you to visit her personal MS 150 page and sponsor her for a couple of dollars.

The more you all sponsor her, the less we have to dip into beer money to meet her goal.

Thank you, that is all.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:05 PM 0 comments

Bang The Dustbin Lid Slowly

Bono, one of the idle and bored rich, is looking forward to a campaign of civil disobedience until all national debt in the world is forgiven. Well, all national debt for the selected countries who have trouble paying their bills now.

Bono has not announced his plans for the period when welfare states in Europe and the rest of the Western world bankrupt themselves from coddling the impoverished everywhere, but he is expected to unveil a double standard whereby those nations should be held accountable for their debts.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:10 AM 0 comments

Fun With Statistics

Meanwhile, back in the Chicago Tribune, Steve Chapman comments (registration required) on President Bush's trip to Africa and wonders whether we're helping or hindering Africa's case with monetary aid. Good question. Unfortunately, he includes this interesting factoid:

This week, he became only the third U.S. president to visit Africa in the last 25 years. By my dead reckoning, since 1978 we have had only 5 presidents (Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush) serve, and of those 5, only 3 have served their complete terms. At very worst, of our last five presidents, 60% have gone to Africa. I'm not certain 60% merits an only.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:06 AM 0 comments

Send an Unsolicited E-Mail, Go To Jail!

CNN reports on the latest Congressional Zero-Intolergence law, which will throw spammers in jail for up to two years for a non-violent offense. That's right. Send an unsolicited e-mail to someone, go to JAIL! I'll have to watch my step when it's time to send out next year's Atari Party invitations.

The story says:

How many spammers have been identified and penalized civilly? Not many, but hey, if you're going to fire aimlessly and not hit anything, it's best to have a full quiver of punishment arrows so you can just keep firing.
"law enforcement officials"? But Jerry Kilgore is an elected politician, undoubtedly only stopping by the Attorney General's office on his way to bigger and better elected offices.

Undoubtedly, unsolicited e-mail is annoying, but it's a stupid target for legislation and law enforcement with the current state of deficits and the continued existence of violent crime which, you know, actually hurts people.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:29 AM 0 comments

My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:

Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

Shape

By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don't appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:09 AM 0 comments

Drugs Destroy Individuals; the Drug War Destroys Neighborhoods

An op-ed piece in the Washington Post, written by a former police officer, argues that as long as drugs are prohibited, neighborhoods will be torn up and will occasionally riot against police.

He's right, of course, but we're a long way from any repeals at this point, I fear.

- posted by Brian J. @ 10:51 AM 0 comments

Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies, STOP!

It's true, honey. In 1984, a guy playing the television game show Press Your Luck won over $100,000 in an hour by memorizing where the Whammies displayed on the game board. If you don't believe your esteemed spouse, check out the Snopes page that tells the whole story.

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:45 PM 0 comments

IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report's entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn't capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:22 PM 0 comments

Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:

The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes. The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn't seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, "Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we'll take care of you."

- posted by Brian J. @ 6:01 PM 0 comments

Dang That Warmonger Bush!

CNN reports: Last ship in Mars-bound armada begins risky trip.

Couldn't that warmonger keep his ambitions planetary? No! Instead, he and the martial NASA send an armada, literally a fleet of warships, to Mars to conquer another undefended desert!

For certainly, the CNN headline writer was conscious of the ramifications of the word he, she, or it chose, right?

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM 0 comments

Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it's too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

"By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines," the FTC said in its report. It's all for the betterment of the consumer, and it's at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It's oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:51 PM 0 comments

More Synergy from Jewel

As I noted in a previous post, Jewel's new album let me down. However, the Ad Report Card column at Slate has recognized that she's a marketing boon even as she decries marketing.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Wanted For My Collection

I have an Arkanoid, I have a Heavy Barrel, I have a Thunderblade, and I even have a Trivia Whiz IV, but I do not yet have a Blogger.

But I want one!

(Tim Blair pointed me to it.)

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:27 PM 0 comments

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His 'n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you're finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it's in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we're not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:18 AM 0 comments

Coastal Marketing Types Can't Be Wrong!

Looky here, according to iWon, network executives have realized that current television speaks mostly to the cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types, that there are people with televisions in the hinterlands of America, and that The America Channel will attract Joe Working Man.

They say:

I wouldn't be so cynical if the channel were based in Chicago, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Des Moines, Lincoln, Wichita, or any of the other cities, yes, cities in the middle of America. However, this story's dateline is Los Angeles, so I can only assume it's going to be twenty-four hours, seven days a week of what cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types think life is like in the rest of the country.

Sorry, bud, you have no road cred.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:45 PM 0 comments

Someone Start a James Lileks Beer Fund, Stat!

In today's The Bleat, James Lileks admits:

I cut out beer

Lileks is too proud to admit it, but he might have cut out beer because Mrs. Lileks has lost her job, and good beer, such as Guinness Draught, costs almost an hour's worth of "living wage" per six pack. Although a "Work Ten Minutes, Get A Beer" salary program sounds good to me, come to think of it.

Quick, someone set up a beer fund to help keep Mr. Lileks in the choicest of beers, and hurry, before he becomes emaciated.

- posted by Brian J. @ 3:32 PM 0 comments

Call Central Casting, NOW!

I know we had thought that in the movie of our lives, Lolita Davidovich would be perfect to play Heather, but after some persuasive arguments inadvertently provided by Kim du Toit, I heartily agree we should go with Angie Everhart.

By the way, Everhart, pistols or no pistols, rates A Good Deal Of That And Some Cheese Popcorn.

I, of course, could only be portrayed by Paul Bettany.

Who would be you?

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:01 PM 0 comments

Heather's Innocence Exposed

So my beautiful wife Heather picked up a copy of The Healthy Planet: Your Source for Environmental, Health [sic] & Natural Living News as we were leaving her weekend hangout The Touring Cyclist. After a couple of minutes perusing its contents, my sweet light, unversed in the grim ways of politics and whack jobs, exclaims that the writers and editors of this publication are quite to the left of political center!

Isn't she cute?

Of course, she then challenged me why I stereotyped people who eat healthy and care about the animals as left wing whack jobs and people who eat meat and potatoes, sometimes at all three meals, as right wing whack jobs. I didn't really have a logical answer; most of my stereotyping relies on ancedotal evidence and statistical inference.

Aren't I cute?

- posted by Brian J. @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

Erica Jong, Grown Up At Last?

Professor Reynolds links to this story by Erica Jong wherein Ms. Jong dispenses some advice for married people and their sex lives. Unlike her books, this article seems to present the idea of preserving a marriage.

I guess I shouldn't be so quick to generalize. I've only read How to Save Your Own Life (the sequel to Fear of Flying), and since I was not a neurotic, repressed adultress-waiting-to-happen, I didn't feel empowered by it.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:03 PM 0 comments

Real or Memorex?

Over at the Volokh Conspiracy, conspirator Randy Barnett has an interesting musing on young tribute bands. He wonders, who really reflects the true nature of the songs: tribute bands who are the same age as the band they cover when that band was popular, or the Band, which by now contains replacement members and old men?

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:23 PM 0 comments

Forget Freddy Versus Jason

If you want to get me into a movie theater to see a match between two tough guys, let's see:

Michael Ironside (V: The Final Battle, Total Recall, Starship Troopers)
Vs.
Tommy Lee Jones (Under Siege, The Fugitive, Men in Black)

It would be a tough call to determine who would survive or win such a head-to-head , but don't forget Tommy Lee Jones did radio ads for Albert Gore in 2000, whereas Michael Ironside once starred in a movie with Arnold Schwarzengovernor. Advantage: Ironside!

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:59 PM 0 comments

Independence Day Round-Up

Good morning, and happy Independence Day to you all. I won't say Happy Fourth of July because it's not the date stamp that's important today, it's that it's the day upon which our forefathers declared independence from a monarchy.

Some other bloggers have written some well thought-out tributes to the nation, so I'll link to them in lieu of writing my own.

Kim du Toit tells how the new European constitution differs from the United States', and how that's bad. Sure, the Consitution came several years later than the Declaration, but these two documents have worked hand in hand to ensure the United States endures.

(Off topic rhetorical question: Were the years between the Revolutionary War and the Constitution a quagmire?)
Kim du Toit also talks about coming to America as an immigrant. He chose to come here. Me, I was born here by sheer dumb luck.
Kim du Toit points to this year-old column by Eugene Volokh (of the Volokh Conspiracy) on National Review Online. Like du Toit, Volokh is an immigrant; his parents brought him to the United States when he was a young man. Volokh talks about his parents' courage in coming to a new land, unknown to a family from the USSR, but that their leap of faith paid off as we Americans could have guessed it would.
Jared Myers has a set of posts that include the President's message to the nation this morning and the Democrat Party's patholetic (pathologically pathetic) response. Start at the linked entry and read 'em all.
Emperor Misha (another naturalized citizen) has asked, Explain just WHY you feel that this nation is the freest nation in the world and just what it is that makes it so. Many of the loyal readers of the Anti-Idotarian Rottweiler have.

So breeze through these while you're having your morning coffee, but don't spend your whole day on it; instead, I insistyou celebrate the day, the country, and your families and friends.

- posted by Brian J. @ 7:31 AM 0 comments

Stephen King Rules

The New York Post proves once again about how Stephen King is a good guy. Apparently, he bought out a show of 28 Days Later and gave the tickets to other people who wanted to see it.

Lileks mentions the story in a Bleat.

- posted by Brian J. @ 4:09 PM 0 comments

TechDirt Saw It Too

A poster over at TechDirt also noticed that Business 2.0 is heck-bent upon losing Web readership (which I noted yesterday).

- posted by Brian J. @ 11:40 AM 0 comments

Attention, Generation X Worktime Slackers

Hey, for those of you struggling through the last day at work (Thursday) before the long holiday (Independence Day) weekend, don't forget to squander some time at ClassicGaming.com.

Personally, I am reading up on the Metroid database so I can communicate effectively with my esteemed spouse who has been communing with Samus Aran on her Super Nintendo recently.

By "reading up," boss, I want to clarify I meant "reading up last night, not during core work hours."

- posted by Brian J. @ 9:04 PM 0 comments

Ask a Stupid Question

Business 2.0 (who has helpfully decided sometime today to put much of its content behind a subscription, thanks, guys) has a brief (briefer now with everything but the lead hidden away, thanks, guys) piece on trick interview questions.

The article, and the lead (which you can yet see) describes them as "sadistic" and "puzzling" attempts to see how the interviewee fares with "sadistic" and "tricky" and potentially "unanswerable" questions, because obviously that's the nature of the corporate environment.

As a service to my readers, I have put together this handy list of answers you can use in case the sadistic HR nutbar whips this out (the technical interview guys would never entertain such a fad, right?):

Question: Why are manhole covers round?

Because the manholes are round. Question: Why are Coke cans tapered?

Bonus alternate answer:

Question: How would you weigh the world's fattest man without using a scale?

weigh

Bonus alternate answer:

Question: How many tennis balls are in the air in New Zealand right now?

none

Bonus alternate answer:

These answers will prove to your interviewer that you're decisive when it comes to selecting a plausible lie, which is only reinforcing the impression he or she has gotten from your resume and the interview this far.

- posted by Brian J. @ 5:47 PM 0 comments