Musings from Brian J. Noggle
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Literary Fiction Rears Its Ugly Head Again
In my never-ending cycle of market research (can it be a market if I never sell anything?), I picked up a copy of Gentlemen's Quarterly (save yer click, no content, just "offer" of a subscription and the cover), which somehow gets published every month. Aside from the eyecandy cover phototeeenay on Eva Mendez, ranked SOTSF (Some Of That + Small Fries), GQ includes some articles, a piece of criticism, and Heaven help me, a Short Story.
So the plot of "Side Angle Side", this month's obra, is: Married middle-aged editor of an alternative weekly paper goes for an illicit weekend with the young hot pants up-and-coming writer. They share some joints and some sex, and then she gets weird on him and they get kicked out of the cabin they'd rented, he drives them home, she's weirder on him, he goes home to his wife and young child, and hot pants writes something weird and resigns. I didn't count, but it looks like it took several thousand words.
This story seemed like deja vu all over again. Didn't I just read that story in Harper's? No, wait, it was a college professor going off with a student, or maybe a struggling writer and a teenage bookstore clerk.
Let's face it, literary fiction in the slicks is too much like Mad Libs for the intelligentsia in mid-life crises. Aside from the occasional sprinkling of pieces containing Cause-of-the-Week imaginings of what it was like to be an oppressed member of the opposite sex in the past or some sort of deviant (sorry, rebellious oppressed spirit), old-dude-sleeping-with-hot-young-chick again (or for once) is all they got. It's the snooty equivalent of a Penthouse letter, and not as titillating.
As every single protagonist in literary fiction could tell you, Thoreau said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Because life is the constant struggle against the entropy that the cold universe offers as the only alternative, I guess the desperate struggle sort of makes sense. But it's the quiet part that might bug literary authors. Perhaps they, and their protagonists, would rather rage, rage against the dying of the light by fornicating and affecting adolescence. Here in the Midwest, we rage against the dying of the light by getting up in the morning and going to work.
Maybe once, or twice, this problem, undoubtedly first discovered by Literary writers, of growing older and the hypothesis "struggling through casual sex is good" could have been interesting. If the protagonist had grown, or learned something, or maybe just regretted. Instead, the drugs, booze, and sex have just become Largest-Ball-Of-Twine tourist attractions in the same landscape of quiet desperation that other people, with real jobs, travel through without making those particular stops. Instead, each writer goes through his or her (paging Ms. Jong) own struggle, which includes a lot of humping with no resolution. The protagonists, and the authors, don't seem to get past it.
While I wait for some writer to arise, somehow fighting through the tenured culture of the established writers and established subject matter for the dogmatic slicks and orthodox university presses, to go all Hemingway on the literary bunch and break their walking sticks of his or her head, I'll continue to prefer the genre stylings of science fiction, fantasy, and mystery. The types of short stories and novels wherein the protagonists confront a problem and overcome it. Well, not always, but the struggle's admirable.
Of course, I could start the revolution, but I don't have time. After I finish meddling with this sci-fi piece I have open in another window, I have to get to bed. I have to work on Monday.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:22 PM 0 comments
A Blogger Brethren
Looks like I am not the only blogger who's shopping a book and who links incessantly to his wife. This pseudopsalms fellow does the same.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:49 PM 0 comments
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Automation Threatens My Job!
I never thought it would happen to me, but /. has shown me that scientists have built a robot that can do what I do.
Once my employer gets one of these, I'll be pounding the pavement looking for a new job or sitting at home eating bon mots while I live on my beautiful wife's bountiful developer dollars.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:43 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Long Live Mozilla and the Re-Ascendent <blink> Tag!
I cannot help but recommend that you download the Mozilla Web browser. Not only does pop-under ad blocking come free (and very accurately!), but it accurately renders the oft-maligned <blink> tag. To illustrate, you only need to view today's posts in Mozilla, or go to Lambert Field, the official Web site of the St. Louis airport and the place I first noticed the suhweet blinking.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:37 PM 0 comments
Trivia To Make Them Wonder
A ninety minute porn film has a six page script. Drop that nugget into conversation mysteriously-but-knowingly sometime.
It's better if you don't mention you learned it from Business 2.0.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:32 PM 0 comments
I Was Just Mocking Negra Modelo Yesterday
In a conversation with friends last night, I told some friends that Negra Modelo beer was unpalatable, and that the definition of a Mexican dark beer is beer that is made downstream from las maquiladoras.
James Lileks, in his alway-amusing column "The Bleat", disagrees. He dislikes Corona, but can consume Negra Modelo. Of course, I don't care for Corona, Negra Modelo, or Heineken (the other beer in his column, which takes issue with a Wall Street Journal ranking of favorite beers).
Corona, the number one beer in the United States? What a travesty! What about Guinness Draught?!
Although one thing that Guinness, Heineken, or any American beer lacks is a young, attractive woman billionaire running the show. Grupo Modelo has Maria Aramburuzabala, a bachelorette last time I checked. (Attention, my bachelor reader!)
There's only one way to top a wealthy beer heiress as a mate.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:28 PM 0 comments
Washington Post Laments Intrusion of Real World into Workplace
Although its fifth paragraph acknowledges that workplace safety has improved significantly in the past, this article in the Washington Post laments how dangerous it is in workplaces these days, especially jobs where you don't get to surf the Internet or talk on the phone all day.
Not content to examine how some jobs are really hazardous, the WaPo brings it home to the white collar and near-white collar employees by telling them how some formerly safe jobs are now ! Suddenly, the world of terrorism, workplace violence, and new super-cool, super deadly diseases like AIDS and SARS are intruding on the workday world, and surprise, surprise, surprise, but employers are choosing not to emphasize the inherent dangers of modern life and how they apply to an above minimum wage but below "living wage" jobs.
Seems to me that the movie Article 99 covered that in 1992. The trailer depicted an angry disabled veteran chambering a round in a semiautomatic rifle as he and his comrades chained each other togethter to protest the cutting of their benefits by the ruthless Republican administration of the era. A hospital administrator tells the army of renta-cops, "Disarm that man!" The rent-a-cop replies, "Not for $5.50 an hour." So you see, the WaPo scooped by an obscure Keifer Sutherland film.
Perhaps the WaPo forgets the days when people died on the job, or Heaven forbid, drank beer while operating industrial machinery on the job, or when children were used because they could crawl into or under the enormous, steam-belching, coal-fed machines. Instead, going to work is in many cases not much more dangerous than going to the mall, but since it's not padded with comfortable, non-toxic foam padding, it's still too dangerous, and someone should do something!
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:50 PM 0 comments
Do It Yourself Reparations
Got a hard-to-meet diversity quota? No problem! Rent-a-Negro to the rescue!
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:58 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Trouble Recruiting for Big Parties a Boon for Libertarians?
Fox News reports that the major parties, in particular the Republicans, are having tough times finding candidates for office.
If the Libertarians can field strong candidates, and by strong candidates I mean "not the usual crackpots," perhaps they could win a statewide or national (legislative) election. If only they could field candidates who have a firm grasp not only of the Libertarian platform, but how to explain the platform and its benefits for common Americans without resorting to broadsides against prevailing authority and sounding like they're one rock away from an anarchist, maybe the Libertarians could have a shot.
The blogomockracy is full of able-minded individuals with predilections toward libertarianism. Will any of us hear the call, or are we to wedded to our high-paying blog careers to make the leap into public service?
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:42 PM 0 comments
Someone's Vandalized My Keyword Spam
At one time I was the only Google hit for "Brian J. Noggle is a Cheesehead" but The Artist Formerly Known as the Guy with Blue Hair ruined it by posting something about my admission on his fledgling blog.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
However, by continuing to repeat that I, "Brian J. Noggle is a cheesehead," at least I shall remain the number 1 hit. And in several days, I shall be the only hit for "Brian J. Noggle is a cheesehead" number 1 hit.
The things I do for recognition.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:11 PM 0 comments
Point: James DeLong, TechCentralStation.com
James DeLong, in his piece on Tech Central Station, describes the way some peer-to-peer pirates are scrambling for rationalizations now that the Apple Music Store has made individual tracks available cheaply. Seems Apple went and spoilt their excuse that they didn't want to pay $16 for a CD when they only want one track.
Hey, you freaking bloodsuckers, help yourselves to a couple apples or sodas in the supermarket. Maybe drive off in that Hummer you have been admiring, too, while you're at it. Your whole raison d'etre is:
From each according to his ability, to you according to your desire.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:48 PM 0 comments
Counterpoint: Some Cosmopolitan Open-Source Pinhead
Once, to get my dander up, The Artist Formerly Known As The Guy With Blue Hair provided me this bit of commentary, which he found in some XML source to an introduction to Python (which apparently is not "(A*A) + (B*B) = (C*C)"):
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As I write this, the year is 2000, and the Internet is a battleground of intellectual property disputes. Some people would like you to believe that, without proper financial incentives, music, literature, and computer software would disappear. After all, who would make music if they can’t make money on it? Who would write? Who would program?
I know the answer. The answer is that musicians will make music, not because they can make money, but because musicians are the people who can’t not make music. Writers will write because they can’t not write. I’ve been programming for 16 years, writing free software for 8. I can’t imagine not doing this. If you can imagine yourself not doing what you’re doing, do something else. Do whatever it is that you can’t not do.
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Truly written from the perspective of an enlightened software developer whose day job is probably some $80,000 a year or more IT position.
I'm sure the garage band lyricist and songwriter checking this guy out at the 7-11 would differ, or the writer who has to teach three sections of undergrad English while he writes nearly-free (paid in contributor's copies) for unread literary magazines.
I assume by "appreciate" you DID mean "get your dander up."
Sure, writers and artists will always create; however, it would be nice to get some sort of market value for it, and not get screwed over by cosmopolitan open-source pinheads.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:37 PM 0 comments
Point: Harley Sorensen, SFGate.com
Writing about the recent "commencement" speech by the New York Times reporter Chris Hedges that was booed and eventually trumped by the attendees at Rockford (Illinois) College, Harley Sorensen uncovers another tentacle of the vast right wing conspiracy, that is to say, Midwestern values.
Hedges got to a-foaming at the mouth with the treatise:
- I want to speak to you today about war and empire.
Killing, or at least the worst of it, is over in Iraq. Although blood will continue to spill -- theirs and ours -- be prepared for this. For we are embarking on an occupation that, if history is any guide, will be as damaging to our souls as it will be to our prestige.
Sorensen knows to indict the Right Wing because its 11 spices were all over the crispy skin. How does he know They were in on it, and that it was not a spontaneous outpouring of heartfelt disgust?
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In all, it was a remarkable performance by the audience. And, judging from the presence of "foghorns," it wasn't spontaneous. It was planned.
But Sorensen understands why the audience booed: ignorance! Armed with a transcript, he can at his leisure point out the errors that listeners made while transcribing the speech for a write up. I'll leave it to you, ungentle readers, to read the column to see about what I am talking.
But let me hit, well, not really hit a couple more points. Sorensen saith:
- But even ignorance doesn't translate necessarily into violence. It's rare for me to understand a church sermon, but I've never felt the urge to beat up on a minister because of that.
Oh, and:
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Yet the Rockford incident had a chilling aspect to it. As described in the press, it could well have been a scene out of the recent miniseries on the rise of Hitler to power in Nazi Germany.
The difference between the many incidents at Berkeley and the Rockford incident is that, at Berkeley, it's usually the rabble against an Establishment spokesperson. At Rockford, it was just the opposite; the incident had the feel of a government protest against an outsider.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:58 PM 0 comments
Counterpoint: John Leo, New York Daily News
On the other hand, John Leo says, in his column, deal with it.
Think of it as "dialoging with the text."
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:28 PM 0 comments
Monday, May 26, 2003
Musings on the Matrix, Part VII
Yo, mainstream, get a schnucking clue. Everyone, at least everyone who's a sensitive albino, is throwing a shoe over the presentation of the Twins as lightly pigmented. Albinactivists are roaring as loud as they can about the poor light in which these characters portray albinos, since most albinos really don't know martial arts. Or something.
However, textual evidence in the movie would lead one to think that the Twins were not albinos, but ghosts. Remember, they talk about how supernatural-esque beings representing problem programs in the Matrix. Remember, Primeridian keeps old flawed programs like werewolves (two of whom Persephone shoots with silver bullets) around. Ergo, when confronted with a pair of pale characters who can discorporate at will, I don't think of albinos, I think of ghosts.
Unless the albino community has something they're keeping from us.
(On another note, do you think my characterization of Merovingian as "Primeridian" is enough of an offense to the greater geek community to be banished from the Elgeeksian Fields, or has my frequent escapades as an ad hoc software tester already taken care of that?)
- posted by Brian J. @ 11:25 AM 0 comments
Sunday, May 25, 2003
I Don't Want To Hang Out With You Any More, Rob
Far be it from me to step into Aimster's territory (that is to say, blogging about music while wearing a snazzy bikini top that shows my smooth, albeit slightly convex, belly--normally I blog about other things while similarly attired), but Rob, I have got to tell you I am not buying the new album from Matchbox Twenty, or matchbox twenty, or Matchbox 20, or MaTcHbOx 20, or however your keyboard fluctuates this week. The album, More Than You Think You Are. More than I think I am? I don't doubt it. I thought I was a music fan, but obviously I am your therapist, and I am not a good one, because we're not making progress.
Rob, you have been coming to me for almost seven years now since Yourself or Someone Like You came out in 1996. On that album, we covered your bad relationships ("Push"), your lack of connection to reality ("Real World", a wonderful exercise in free-association, don't get me wrong), and apathy ("Hang"). I listened to that album and I really connected to you, man. I was 24 years old and enjoying some late adolescent angst as well. We were commensurating with experience, bub.
Four years later, in 2000, you came back and described a similar set of misery with Mad Season by matchbox twenty. Your relationships remained co-dependent or self-destructive ("Crutch"), your relationships had gone bad ("Rest Stop") and you were in denial ("Angry"), which understandably led you to a sense that something's not right ("Bent") that you want to project to lunar cycles or something ("Mad Season"). Okay, I listened, and I felt bad for you.
But dude, it's 2003. I haven't bought your latest album, and I probably won't. I mean, you're telling me via the radio about your same old girl problems ("Disease") and how that still makes you feel "Unwell", but listen, Rob, I have grown up, gotten a job, and bought a house whose lawn I procrastinate mowing. I have a lovely wife and several cats to take care of. I cannot keep spending long nights in bars and coffeeshops listening to you mumble into your beer or caffe su da.
I mean, come on, life's not so pathological as you make it out. Maybe if you revealed a more playful or optimistic side more frequently (remember Smooth"?). I mean, yeah, it's an existential world out there, but why not describe a sincere love ballad every once in a while. Even Trent Reznor, the Dark Lord of NIN, explained the depth of his love for his significant other in "Closer". Why can't you capture more of that spirit in your work?
That's just what I am saying, man. Listen, I am going to finish up this Moosehead lager and then I am going to head out. You'll be all right? Good. See you.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:12 PM 0 comments
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Outlaw Chewing And Save Lives!
In his latest Fox News.com column "Junk Science," Steven Milloy recounts the "science" (snicker) of Mad Cow Disease and its entertaining media hysteria, such that:
- Front-page coverage in the New York Times, for example, reported that eating meat from diseased cattle has allegedly caused more than 100 human deaths in Europe since 1994 and “raised questions about the health benefits of eating beef for many consumers around the world.”
However, according to an old United Kingdom government study (see table B.5), in 1995 alone choking caused 153 deaths in just the UK, which would lead one to postulate merely eating (or putting things in one's mouth) kills 1500% more people each year than Mad Cow Disease. Time for some appropriate hysterifluff.
Outlaw oral ingestion! Mandate intravenous feeding! Shoot the herds of people who chew gum with their mouths open! Although, since that would include me, I am less in favor of the latterest (most latterly?) suggestion.
However, in defense of our media and our own perception of statistics, people think they can win the lottery, too, so of course they imagine that Mad Cow Disease could get them if they bought a hamburger or McDonald's stock. So at least we're consistent in our ignorance of statistics and risk analysis.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:32 PM 0 comments
Those Who Misquote Bush Misunderstandimate Grammar
Spinsanity discusses how some commentators have mischaracterized President Bush's description of certain elements of Al Qaeda's terrorist network. To be brief, the meme has spread that Bush said Al Qaeda was no longer a threat. He didn't actually say that, but once attackers got a hold of that piece of straw, they thought it was meat. (Both Instapundit and Andrew Sullivan mentioned this Spinsanity piece yesterday.)
The problem, and the potential for the straw man, lies within the "slops" contemporary writers and speakers play with collective-noun-subject/pronoun/verb agreement. In many cases, writers and speakers mangle it, and those who read or listen come to expect it. The full Bush quote to which the commentators refer:
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Al Qaeda [singular] is [singular] on the run. That group [singular] of terrorists who attacked our country is [singular] slowly but surely being decimated. Right now, about half [collective singular or plural, plural in this case] of all the top Al Qaeda operatives are [plural, refers to "half"] either jailed or dead. In either case, they're [plural/plural] not a problem anymore.
Of course, "half" as a noun falls into the collective noun category where it can refer to either a plural (for a number of entities, like Maureen Dowd has lost half her marbles and cannot find them) or a singular (for a quantity not enumerated, like Maureen Dowd has lost half of her mind and cannot find it). Although Strunk and White advise you to play colloquially with such collective nouns, no where would they tell Bush to mix agreement (Al Qaeda is...they're) in the same paragraph.
So Bush's text means what he (or his writers) meant for it to say. Anyone who argues differently is deconstructing. Which will help you graduate from some of the country's finest higher education institutions with a frameable piece of paper that says English upon it, but it won't necessarily help you communicate more effectively.
(P.S. I'll save the extended rant of each word and grammar rule having an individual purpose in oral or written communication and how violating these rules can lead to listen-time or read-time exceptions like the one demonstrated, and exploited by grammatical commentatorial H4X0Rz, above.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:54 AM 0 comments
Friday, May 23, 2003
More Google Fun!
My large vocabulary and archaic constructions strike again! In addition to being the only Google hit for "Brian J. Noggle Is a Cheesehead" (proof), I am now the #1 Google search (of 2, oddly enough) for "To whit" syntax safire (proof).
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:46 PM 0 comments
SARS Could Be From Alternate Earth in Different Dimension, Some Tech Writers Say
CNN is headlining a story with Did SARS come from the stars? Delve into the story, and you find:
- "I think it is a possibility that SARS came from space. It is a very strong possibility," Professor Chandra Wickramasinghe told Reuters.
The director of the Cardiff Center for Astrobiology in Wales and a proponent of the theory that life on Earth originated from space, admits the theory defies conventional wisdom.
However, in my own interests of hounding the media into publishing my name, Brian J. Noggle (don't forget the J. as it's extremely important to my own pretensiousness), I wish to offer the following unsubstantiated theory:
- SARS comes from an alternate Earth in a different quantum universe and is a result of biological warfare between the Soviet Union and China in the 1970s, just like in The Omega Man, except in this real alternate dimension, unlike its fictional counterpart where the epidemic turns the infected into pasty shambling zombies whose only goal is to infect the uninfected, the real SARS from the real alternate Earth actually kills a small number of people, which I understand is a goal of bioweapons researchers. (Run-on sentences are easy indicators of Grade A Government Choice Cockamamie.)
So when the Chinese (those ChiComs!), in their pursuit of extradimensional weapons (or their space program) accidentally opened a rift between our planet and the Alternate Earth, they let in SARS and probably sent a couple of bootlegged copies of the Matrix Reloaded where DVD-playerless SARS-infected zombies can only sharpen the edges to use as weapons.
Sincerely,
Brian J. Noggle,
Resident Expert in Foosball Slop Shots,
International Society For Finding Alternate Earths That Resemble Charlton Heston Post-Apocalypse Movies.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:44 AM 0 comments
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Billy Bob Teeth Mess Straightened Out
Looks like Billy-Bob teeth sales were actually hurt by a copycat novelty teeth maker, so the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals decreed. Thank heavens that got straightened out. Perhaps it will stop there and not have to go to the United States Supreme Court.
In our Fun Facts corner, Billy-Bob Teeth, Inc., had sales of novelty teeth of five million dollars last year. Call the investment bankers! We need an sophomorically exuberant Novelty Item stock market bubble to re-energize the markets, and we need it stat.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:21 PM 0 comments
Schumer Wants an International Treaty On Spam?
The Washingtion Post mentions in passing in a story about a spammer that Senator Charles Schumer of New York wants an international treaty for the non-proliferation of spam.
Protected by International Treaty? What's next, an Axis of Spammers? Trade wars or military intervention to depose those who would forge headers?
For the love of pete, it's just junk mail you can delete from your inbox and filter, fairly effectively, from your server. It's annoying, but the pushes to make it illegal and criminal are a little much for my taste, but I rankle against legislation and regulation more than I rankle at being annoyed.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:04 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Another Home Schooler Triumphs!
A home schooled child has won the National Geographic Bee this year. And it's not as though he's been in training for the geographic bee: he's also on his state science bowl team.
Regardless of these accomplishments, he probably doesn't feel good about himself since his home schoolers, who love him and don't just look at him as a little monster to suffer for a year, lack diversity and sensitivity training to provide programs to love himself and his fellow little monsters. Of course, his educators aren't paying the administrative vigorish that cripples school district budgets, either.
So this homeschooling win must be a fluke.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:42 PM 0 comments
Mean Machines, Part II
Nestled among the column in Forbes that examines how small cars have fared in the United States throughout history lies the trivium that Sears once produced a compact car, way back in the 1950s.
Of course, I am not going to tell you its name here; I'll save that for a random conversation about Sears or small cars, wherein I can interject, "You know, Sears once sold its own car. The Sears ....."
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:09 PM 0 comments
Mean Machines, Part I
Maxim, a magazine whose print edition I occasionally read for its informative articles (particularly its investigative photo-essays of women of achievement in the film and print industry), this month featured a number of extremely high-performance cars in its column The Ride (link is to pictures and multimedia, some by subscription, which augments the print piece).
Expert advice provided by Lamborghini technical advisor on how to properly use the Lamborghini Murcielago, which sports a 6.2 L, 575 horsepower V-12 engine that can propel the vehicle from zero to sixty in 3.8 seconds (2.7 seconds Canadian):
- "Try to keep the yellow side up."
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:48 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
When Vezina Winners Attack!
So Dominik Hasek, a goalie who bailed out on the NHL after winning the Stanley Cup last year, goes home and gets a little rough in a roller hockey game, sending a player to the hospital. Big hoary deal. Sure, he tried to fight Patrick Roy, but that's goalie-on-goalie action.
Jean Sebastian-Giguere, my new hero until such time as he signs with the Red Wings, went after a Calgary forward. He's got, um, pucks as big as manhole covers, I kid you not.
I guess Giguere's not a Vezina winner, yet, but I kid you not he's got a Conn Smythe trophy coming.
(Hasek link from Fark. All other research from my own memory supplemented by Google.)
(P.S. Sorry, folks, but it was only a matter of time until a hockey post broke through. I am still capturing developers at the coffeepot to tell them how I think the St. Louis Blues are going to do next year and what I think the Collective Bargaining Agreement ending after next year will mean for the NHL, so it's only natural something like it would leak out in the blog.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:34 PM 0 comments
Monday, May 19, 2003
I May Be A Tonto Gringo, But....
A couple of outraged students at UCSB are frothing about the use of the Gaucho as a symbol for the school's mascot or some such nonsense. They've written to the school paper to foam on at length about how the school mox Mexican-Americans and their descendents. Oh, yeah, here's the response to those who might think the collegiate children are being foolish:
- Now some of you reading this might be immediately tempted to dismiss our commentary as some "PC" reaction to what you might perceive as a rather harmless appropriation of Mexican culture. [Emphasis mine]
See also Green Bay Packers, the Ottawa Senators, Seattle Mariners, the Washington Wizards (sorry, I had to stretch for the NBA) or, more appropriately, the Dallas Cowboys.
Still, the incited students have a great idea! Change the mascot!
- We propose the changing of the mascot name from UCSB Gauchos to UCSB Gavachos, a slang term used by Mexicans and Chicanos to refer to white people.
(Original source: Fox News Tongue Tied.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:15 PM 0 comments
Another Luddite Heard From
Larry Blasko from AP has got a really nice piece in the Washington Post describing one of the best computer backup media ever: paper.
I have worked on computers too long, both physically (A+ certified, donchaknow?) and on the software side to trust anything to the vagaries of technology. I mean, some of the coolest short stories I ever wrote are safe enough, I think, on 5.25" floppies that fit into a Commodore 1571 disk drive. But that's no good if I cannot get to them.
Until I am struck blind, though, I can read and retype paper copies. In case you're wondering how many copies I have of the most important document I have created in the last year (my novel manuscript John Donnelly's Gold), the answer is ten, and many are stored off site.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:17 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 18, 2003
Report from the Burbs
As the beautiful wife and I have begun landscaping our beautiful suburban home in Casinoport, Missouri (an inner ring suburb of St. Charles, Missouri), I needed to replace the repeatedly-run-over hose with something that continued to fit onto spigot. We replaced the old Sentry Hardware $1.99 Long Straw model hose with the $2.99 (inflation) Ace Hardware Long Straw model hose. But when it came to the nozzle, I insisted we purchase an heirloom-quality water flow control device. I warm pleasurably with the thought of my great-grandchildren spraying each other as they wash the aerocar using the nozzle I bought.
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So of course we chose the Nelson Model 2280 Industrial Metal nozzle. This nozzle includes a long list of features, including:
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| Of course, when we bought it on Saturday, the nozzle became an instant part of our family. Lawrence, as he prefers we call him, instantly bonded not only with me, but also Heather and the cats. He's moved right in and has adjusted to life outside of the hardware store and outside the blister card with eager anticipation for what each new day brings. Freed from the NASA-style sleeping arrangement hanging from a hook in Ace Hardware, Lawrence prefers a medium-firmness pillow and likes to sleep late on Sundays. Although he sleeps late, Lawrence is not lazy. He's ready to get to work dispensing water to the parched flora (and occasional fauna if one of those "cute baby rabbits" gets too close to any of our hundreds of dollars on nursery-bought flora). He understands the impact of the rain, which has left him on the bench this week, but he's encouraged when we tell him that July and August are coming, and with them, the annual unprecedented drought. In our conversations, Lawrence and I have developed a deep respect for one another. Although we don't always agree on the finer details of some issues, such as how long to deploy a spray upon an individual perennial, we agree that water is an absolute necessity for flowers, and that when April showers are a distant memory, it's only our teamwork that will preserve the order we have established with weedblock fabric and mulch. And that's enough to make our relationship start, and undoubtedly it will grow over time. |
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I fit right in, thanks.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:35 PM 0 comments
Programming Note
We at stlbrianj.blogspot.com vow to be the only media source, ever, to not play that stoopid Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song "Picture." I hear it on alternative stations. I hear it on country stations. I hear it as the bumper on AM news/talk stations.
This blog is your refuge. We will never play the song, but we deserve the right to mock it from time to time.
Thank you, that is almost all:
And yo, is Kid Rock balding, or what? Mullet + Hat = Balding!
Thank you, that is all.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:19 PM 0 comments
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Pssst....Wanna Know What I Said About Ted Nugent?
Hey, if you're coming in from Google and want to see the complete Ted Nugent transcript from KRFX, sorry I don't have it (but if you do find it, I would love to see it. I did talk about the "controversy" on Wedneday, May 7, and you can read the two posts here.
Google's searches only bring you to the main page here, and not the actual post for which you were looking. But rest assured, the Doc-U-Matic 3000 is here to serve you! Don't forget to drop me a line and say thanks.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:38 PM 0 comments
Four Year Old Kindergartens Teach Legislative Math
In Wisconsin, a special study by the "Legislative Fiscal Group" has determined that cutting a program, that is, not spending state tax money on it, would really cost the state money! Shocker! The "Legislative Fiscal Group" urges the state to spendspendspend its way into savings. The story appears in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. By the way, do many journals really need guardians? What sort of dumb combined name is that?
The program costs $72 million dollars. By cutting this $72 million dollar program, the state will lose $8.4 million dollars in federal money that it receives to fund the operation. That's the "cost" described in the hyperlink on the main JSOnline site and in the "Eliminating 4-year-old kindergarten will cost state, study says" subhead. That's legislative math.
Legislative math uses proven Deadbeat Cousin Accounting. You know the accounting I am talking about. Cousin Ned, who has his get-rich-quick schemes and buys pseudo-muscle cars past the point of cost effective maintenance, who works a part-time job around his fiscally imprudent efforts, and who occasionally pops up to "borrow" money (the occasion he needs it). He could get a real job and start behaving like a grown up, but if he did, it would cost him that free money.
Our state and municipal governments might as well call themselves Cousin Ned. They buy a round of drinks and take people out to dinner when the economy's going well or they win $80 on lottery scratch-off tickets, but when that $80 is gone, they still want to spend it, and that's where you come in, dear cousin taxpayer.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:46 AM 0 comments
Friday, May 16, 2003
Closing Time Revisited
The Shepherd Express discusses the possibility of eliminating last call at taverns and pubs, or at least allowing them to stay open a while after they've stopped serving liquor. Although this article examines regulations far off lands where even sober people talk funny, like England and Minnesota, I thought I would add my two shots.
It would be a good idea to eliminate last call and deregulate alcohol serving totally.
After all, two o'clock closing times merely throw a bunch of inebriated and partially-inebriated people into the streets at once. A number of people to bicker, to continue partying, and sometimes to drive home at the same time. The mandated closing time concentrates the goofiness into a single period of time arbitrarily assigned by the municipal or state government. Heaven knows the problems the neighborhoods in Milwaukee alone have suffered because of the throngs. Denny's restaurants in Milwaukee close before the bars do to avoid the rush of post-tavern patrons, for crying out loud.
By eliminating the bars' closing time, municipalities would spread out the impact of partying people and whatever infractions they might perform, hereby diminishing the overall disquiet created in neighborhoods, allowing bar patrons to trickle out until the next day. With the end-all, drink-all crowd evacuating at a single time, we're assuming the cops can be everywhere at once to catch all of the drunk drivers who would kill short-order cooks getting off at one o'clock in the morning and all the gun-, knife-, and fist-bearing disagreeable people.
Of course, opponents might say that eliminating the bar closing time would make people likely to drink more, but that's not necessarily the case of Miller High Life. People can drink as much as they want outside of taverns and clubs. It just means people would drink in places where restaurant keepers could profit from it.
- posted by Brian J. @ 11:59 PM 0 comments
Guinness: Breakfast of Champions
Look, ma, Guinness beer is good for you!
(Pointer from Fark.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:16 PM 0 comments
Bringing Pop-Under Ads Into the Real World
I hate junk mail that looks like invoices for something I have ordered. Cripes, this very day I got three from the wonderful Domain Registry of America, warning me that unless I paid right now my domain names would expire!. In August. Send your check now! Of course, they're not my domain registrar and they've never gotten dime one out of me. As a matter of fact, considering they have sent me this triplicate postal spam four times, I have cost them 12n, where n is the cost of your general presort postage.
It's not just these desperate, fly-by-day two-bit-and-you-get-change operations doing it. Time Warner's been onto the ploy before they wed "A Disk A Minute" AOL. Time and Sports Illustrated offers started looking like past due bills a long time ago. I no longer subscribe to any Time Warner magazines. I have a long memory.
I have no respect for a company that would hope to trick me out of my money. These guys send their "invoices" out the same way as GAINPRO PENIS ENLARGERS (excuse the keyword spamming) pinheads send e-mail. The number of people who are too busy, too unintelligent, or too inattentive and simply cut a check to Time Warner, Domain Registrars of America, or whatever, obviously rewards them enough to keep them doing it. But they won't get my money, and in the case of legitimate and large corporations, I mean any of it.
So is legislation the answer? Hardly. But individuals should be careful with such "invoices," and we in the blog-o-mockracy and in the consumer world should stand up and let the companies know we see what they're doing, and we disapprove.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:51 PM 0 comments
Good Morning, Where Am I?
Why is my blog returning an empty html document this morning?
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:11 AM 0 comments
Thursday, May 15, 2003
How To Find This Site
The list of referrers that brings you, gentle readers, to this site contains some interesting Google and other Web searches that rate the Doc-U-Matic 3000 Word Generator highly. To whit:
- # 10 at Google for the search Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe download (in Spanish, no less!)
- # 10 at Google for the search gephardt daughter gay
- # 13 at Yahoo! for breast augmentation under 3000 dollars
The answer is, nothing, but I get paid for clicks, not sticks. Well, actually, I don't get paid, and all I get is to laugh at your search string. Thanks for playing, and don't forget to try "BRIAN J. NOGGLE IS A CHEESEHEAD"
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:18 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Six Flags As You'll Never See It, Piker
Before Six Flags over Mid America, in Eureka, Missouri (a suburb, now, of St. Louis) opens, the firefighters and emergency workers have their day. It's not like they get short lines to the roller coasters, though; Six Flags lets them use the Thunder River ride to practice rescuing people from flash floods and rapids. How cool is that?
Story, courtesy of the Suburban Journals (a wholly owned subsidiary of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch designed to make you think there's real "competition" or that they contain "news"), here.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:42 PM 0 comments
Who Eats Cats?
- Brian does!
- Bob Rybarczyk's lawn might.
- You can, too, when you order some from Pets Or Food.com
- posted by Brian J. @ 4:07 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Mosquitoes, or French Scientists, Cash In on X2 Craze
How convenient. French scientists have determined that the mosquitoes that carry West Nile are mutants. Just at the same time that X-Men 2: X-Men United is atop the box office again. Sure, these scientists claim this is based on scientific evidence and the announcement is designed to further the understanding of the West Nile epidemic.
Furthermore, the scientists explain their trademarking of the "MassKillto" super villain suitable for t-shirts was inadvertent, and that they meant to send the comic-book style graphic to the magazine Nature.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:22 PM 0 comments
Now, Jennifer, This Doesn't Change Things
Listen, Garner, I love Heather.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:14 PM 0 comments
A Program For America
The Opinion Journal yesterday included a column that explained that Republicans are from Mars, Democrats are from Venus. Or, as the article says, Democrats want to build (presumably Utopia) while Republicans want to defend civilization, whatever its flaws, from the alternatives.
This conforms to an idea I had while I was growing up, in the Reagan/Bush years, that the Republicans made good presidents, but Democrats made a good legislature. Republicans believe in law enforcement and strong militaries, which conform to what the executive branch does, whereas Democrats embrace the social freedoms in the bill of rights, or seemed to, and would provide a good body of legislators for a shambling and mostly gridlocked Congress. A balance of thought, a balance of focus, and the balance of power. What could be better?
But I am older and wiser now. I realize politics is sports for old fat men and women who cannot compete on the field and are afraid to try it in the honest business world (and I do mean honest, not the inbred business-lobbyist-executivocomplex). It's not about making good laws, it's about making a leaping reverse stuff law that says a lot but does whatever someone eventually interprets it to do. It's about scoring votes and trash talking and excessive celebration after every small victory and one side winning and the other being humiliated. Since I have grown up, I have seen how they haven't.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:58 PM 0 comments
Making Your Unlivable Life Worse
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports (second item) that a man in a suburb of St. Louis became suicidal and armed himself with a sword. However, lacking a good instruction manual for killing oneself with a sword, this gentleman drew the attention of neighbors, friends, family members, or the local busybody. Said other, non-suicidal person called police, who arrived and shot the suicidal man when he brandished said sword at them.
No, they didn't kill him. Now he's going to prison for attempting to kill a police officer. That should fix him right up.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:53 PM 0 comments
Monday, May 12, 2003
When We Outlaw Buying Oreos, Only Outlaws Will Buy Oreos
The San Fransisco Chronicle reports about an ambulance proceeding lawyer who's suing Nabisco for selling Oreos which are not good for children. His goal, other than getting his name in the paper so he can be the Erin Brokovich of food lawsuits (man breasts probably included), is to keep tran fat out of the hands of children.
Listen, bub, here's a lesson for you. When Milwaukee started getting decorated by the young graffitos in the local youth crime organizations who used brightly-colored, aerosol-propelled paint in their unauthorized, yet profoundly authentic, murals, Milwaukee banned the sale of spray paint to people under eighteen. You had to go to the counter and show some ID for your Krylon. No kidding. This meant, of course, that those young, impassioned artistes driven to speak out in the only subversive, non-violent fashion they could needed to hang out outside the local True Value waiting for someone they could bribe to come along, or they could improvise. And many did, which meant that most of the gangland glyphs were done in permanent marker. Now, Milwaukee had to make marker possession by minors into a felony....
What's my point? Aside from using the blogomockracy to make fun of this frivolous lawsuit? I guess none. Of course, without sugary things that are bad for you to put into their mouths, we'll return to the dark ages of eating Elmer's Paste and papier-mache. Is that the bright future we want for our children? I think not. Let Them Eat Tran Fatty Cake!
Thank you, that is all.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:33 PM 0 comments
And Six For My Pal, El Guapo
Fark pointed me to a story in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle about an economist's study of how alcohol legislation and taxation impacts consumption and drunk driving laws. The answer is, of course, not like the legislators hoped, but they'll take the tax money anyway.
Interesting factoid from the article:
- Think of it this way, Young said: If the United States' population totaled 10 people and they had 10 beers to split among them, three people would not drink beer at all, five people would share two beers, one person would have two beers, and one would drink six beers. Most alcohol-related problems occur with that last person.
Still, it might prove interesting to study the relationship between government's applied regulation through taxation and not-outright banning of "vices" because this contrasts outright bans (drug use, prostitution, and the rest of the Libertarian Party platform's emancipation list), recently-reduced bans (gambling), bans by judicial awards (smoking). This study might prove to be the third good thing ever to come out of Montana State.
A toast to Montana, then, guardians of liberty and our northern border.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:52 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Jennifer Garner: Some of That, Hold the Chips
As I passed through the den on my way to do battle with the ominous Dark Load of Sith in the laundry room, I passed my beautiful wife stretched out upon the sofa, whereupon she was soaking up some primetime television. "Doesn't she have a great body?" she asked. By she, she meant Jennifer Garner, and by she, I mean my esteemed spouse, or at least we did until the pronouns began straying from their antecedents.
I cast the slightest glance at the television set, and she (Jennifer Garner she, star of television's Alias, not Heather she) was slinking, sashaying, and I think I caught a glimpse of some provocative undulation across a room in an expensive strapless dress.
As a student of some famous tacticians, from Sun Tzu to Machiavelli, I immediately hearkened back to the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar of the Calamari, who once said, "It's a trap!" For although we men, and by "we men" I mean some men who are not happily married like we are, honey, we men sometimes have been known to appraise the aesthetic value of women and occasionally might even think about sitting on rocks and listening to birds singing madrigals with one (and dismiss it out of hand, of course), it's always bad to be called on it, immediately, and out of any context we can use as a defense in future discussions (not arguments, of course). I might even have frozen for a second or two, speechless, while Jennifer Garner wiggled across the screen into some clandestine meeting with either a really good guy or a really bad guy.
Unfortunately, I was not so much leering as running an algorithm to sort appropriate responses. "She's okay," I offered, unsure what question my wife had really asked. Of course, within every object-oriented male, when running the examineChick(object chick) method (sorry, but within Existentialist object-oriented males, all parameters are of type object), compares a woman to a static set of attributes, and the method returns a static value. For Jennifer Garner, I got back a SOME_OF_THAT response. (Contrast with my wife, who returns ALL_OF_THAT+BAG_OF_CHIPS+MEDIUM_DRINK+SMALL_SUNDAE.) Perhaps it's the coastal body type, perhaps it's the way the eyes crinkle, but some attributes within Jennifer Garner did not meet the specification. Sorry, Garner, now stop calling and hanging up without leaving a message.
"Look at those shoulders," she (Heather she, not Jennifer Garner she) said. Of course, she (Heather she, not Jennifer Garner she) was comparing her (Heather her, not Jennifer Garner her) shoulders to those in the white strapless dress. Both women have subtly muscular, but distinctly feminine, shoulders. All Heather wanted was for me to appraise Jennifer Garner's shoulders.
Unfortunately, as I indicated, guys don't throw out a Web Service Definition Language (WSDL) document to indicate the nature of the methods available; the methods are by nature private. If only she had known she could ask if I like Jennifer Garner's shoulders, I could have answered more quickly, without worrying about the ramifications or consquences or the dreaded marriage crash.
"They're okay," I repeated since it didn't seem to get me into any trouble the last time. And before I could get into trouble, I fled into the comfortable confines of the laundry room.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:40 PM 0 comments
Good Hangover Reading
And let's not forget the how-to manual for serious conneseurs, connisoer, uh, people who like to drink: Modern Drunkard Magazine.
As seen at Tim Blair.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:43 PM 0 comments
Friday, May 09, 2003
Dick Gephardt Brings Daughter Out Of Closet, Into Campaign
Dick Gephardt has announced his daughter is a lesbian and will now serve as an important tool in his campaign to woo the homosexual vote, which apparently does not vote on issues but on symbolic gestures.
Next week, it is expected that Gephardt will announce that some of his best friends are black.
Also, is it just me, or do homosexual-friendly candidates often cough up gay daughters, but not gay sons? Is this because they're playing on the current lesbianism-as-non-threatening-and-titilating-homosexuality cultural vibe, er, more?
Discuss.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:07 PM 0 comments
Future Internet Entrepreneur Squelched by Authorities
Well, not exactly, but one young man in the Northwest R-1 school district, from which I matriculated, was busted for videotaping the girls locker room. Now, he's going to get it.
Looks like possible punishment might fit what used to be called "hijinks." A suspension and a slap on the juvenile wrist. Entire movie franchises were built on kids doing this sort of thing, albeit before x10 made it easy. (See also Meatballs (I-IV), Porky's (I-III), and American Pie (I-III).) So spank the boy, send him to bed before dinner, and maybe raise him, but let's not deny him the right to vote, lock him up, and brand him a sicko-for-life yet. Youthful "exuberance" is not a felony yet.
Maybe I am just a softy because Northwest Valley used to be Northwest High School, and I have fond memory of it. Just one, graduating.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:57 PM 0 comments
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Suh-Weet Disclaimer
Heather's gone off on her new bike many times on her blog, but as a certified Reel Gud Dock Righter, it's up to me to critique the Owner's Manual (Version 5.0).
Okay, not the whole thing. I focused on the sweet disclaimer at the front:
-
GENERAL WARNING: Bicycling can be a hazardous activity even under the best of circumstances. Proper maintenance of your bicycle is your responsibility and is essential to reducing the risk of injury. This Manual contains many "Warnings" and "Cautions" concerning the consequences of failure to maintain or inspect your bicycle. Many of the Warnings and Cautions say "you may lose control and fall". [sic, Ms. Igert, I swear] Because any fall can result in serious injury or even death, we do not repeat the warning of possible injury or death whenever the risk of falling is mentioned.
While researching this blog entry, I saw the new Version 6.0 Owner's Manual on the Giant Bicycle's Web site (marketing message: "Cycling Solution Provider for everyone" which would seem to indicate everyone has a cycling problem, dilemma, or conundrum). Still, the upgraded doc says:
- The combination of the safety alert symbol and the word WARNING indicates a potentially hazardous situation which, if not avoided, could result in serious injury or death.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:01 PM 0 comments
Dogs and Cats, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
Not quite. Apparently, the Supreme Court of the fine state of Utah has officially determined that dogs and cats are not equal in the eyes of the law.
How should animal rights activists reactivist to this news? A whole new separate-and-unequal controversy!
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:59 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Who Needs An Intercom?
In my previous days as an experienced Estate Sale Con-E-Sur, I spent a lot of times scavanging the homes of the well-to-do who acquired their, well, to-dos in the 1950s and 1960s. One thing that struck me besides, and often beside, the ovens built into the walls at an ergonomic height, was the hard-wired intercoms within some of the ranch homes, many of which could have fit the 13 x 65 mobile home in which I spent a couple of years into their basements. What a remarkable concept, I thought. But the idea died out in the 1950s, perhaps fifty years before these homes' owners ended their retirements. My beautiful wife and I bought a home that lacks one, and the house was built when Lyndon Johnson was president.
Never fear, IM is here! Although my wife's office and my office hide on opposite ends of different floors of our split-level home (no coincidence), we can get the benefits of the anachronistic knob-and-speaker assemblies in the Ladue and Town and Country homes. "Honey," she types, "I am going to bed," and I hear her voice within my imagination more clearly than I would through fifty-year-old vacuum tubes. "I'll be right down," I type carefully, examining each key carefully as I peck out the response to make sure each letter is where I left it. And I go, to kiss her good night and ensure the bed is adequately feline-occupied for her slumber.
The TCP/IP packets leave not detritus, though, and somehow it's somewhat less satisfying to think our communication leaves no residue, unlike those lines hard-wired and ostentatiously-wrought in 1954.
- posted by Brian J. @ 11:01 PM 0 comments
Doing It in Style Guides
After a period of time at the start-up for whom I work, I've decided it's time to create a style guide. With the revenue sugarplums dancing in our heads, maybe I can convince the assorted VPs of our need to hire a second technical writer eventually. A style guide would help break in, or maybe just break, the untamed new person. No longer would he or she struggle against the bridle of "Do it because I do it that way." The style guide offers me the cover of "Do it because it's in the style guide" (because I do it that way and put it in the style guide that way). Too much exposure to the marketers, and suddenly I am crafty.
So, instead of relying upon guidance from previous employers, which meant falling into the "Do it because it's in the style guide" (because I do it that way because all of my previous employers did it that way, so I put it in the style guide that way) trap, I struck out to research style guides, delving into the obscure and Byzantine style guides developed by true geniuses in their fields.
Some of the results startled me.
Ever had to look over a press release devised by your marketing department? Or worse, have you seen them in print and wondered what fluke or computer virus introduced random capitalization into their text? It's no fluke. Here's the exact rule, courtesy of the Emily Dickinson Style Guide for Prose Writers:
- 4.5 proper Capitalization in sentences or Fragments
When Writing, use Judiciously your friend the Capital Letter to add emphasis to Common nouns, adjectives, and verbs to discriminate and add Emphasis to Key Concepts.
Sometimes, unfortunately often when proofreading my own work, I come across that sentence that features not only a dangling modifier, but a dangling everything. You know, the sort of
I usually expect the writer has been deflected from his or her duty, whether a subject matter expert had to actually write some software, a salesman had to actually cold-call a potential client, or an overworked technical writer actually had to play defense in the important mid-morning foosball game. I understand how hard it can be to pick up where you left off, if you can even remember that you left off in the first place. So I often excused the offender with a pointed bit of Nogglesque humor that has alienated me from peers everywhere. That is, however, until I encountered the Official Manual of William Carlos Williams Style:
- Sentences and pro
per breaks
So much depends
upon the brea
king point of your sentences and lines.
Judic
ious use of improper grammatic
al constructions lends
itself to
greater reader comprehension as
the greater reader paus
es to ponder
the interface.
I even found the software developer's favorite guide, the Elements of Riboflavin Style. The popular Riboflavin Style of writing is that to include the verb "to be" two times each to be clearer. Before this, I assumed it was weak writing, but now I know that the Riboflavin Style is officially sanctioned and that it leads to a healthy manual metabolism and mucous membranes in the gizzard.
My research yielded a harvest more fruity than my wildest imaginings. Essentially, I can carve my own foibles, such as overuse of the word "Judicious" just because it sounds like a combination of Judicial and Delicious, into the style guide. Once I compose it, I can rest assured the style guide will stand, a HumaBrian Stone for the masses, or for the technical writer or intern I can acquire. The style guide will exist not just for now, but for all time, or at least until half way through my farewell luncheon, or until someone has a better idea.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:03 PM 0 comments
The Marvel Universe, Online, Almost Officially
Oh, bay bee! I don't know if you all remember the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe or the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Update '89, but they were encyclopedias of the almost all characters that had appeared in Marvel comic books since the beginning of time.
Looks like the Marvel Directory, a fan site with some claimed support from Marvel, has brought the whole thing online. I am weeping happy geek tears.
Which reminds me: I forgot to look for Stan Lee in X-Men 2. Sorry, honey, but guess where we have to go this weekend?
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:59 PM 0 comments
Ted Nugent Says...Something Naughty!
The AP wire is a-twit-ter after Ted Nugent apparently said, how delicately they put it:
-
the words "g----" and "n-----" on live radio
What we do have for context is this:
- Rick Lewis and Michael Floorwax, morning talk show hosts on KRFX-FM, said that during an interview Monday, Nugent said one of the members of a group called the Funk Brothers years ago complimented his guitar playing by using a racist term for blacks.
Sorry. I understand these "special" words have magickal significance to aggrieved covens of the afflicted, but they are just words. Perhaps Ted Nugent was using them to draw attention to the fact that they're just collections of glyphs on the page or voiced velar stops, alveolar coronals and other articulations and not anything more. Actus reus without mens rea. As our society fundamentally shifts from criminal intent to strict liability template, it's no longer necessary to mean harm with words, just speaking the words is the offense.
We'll probably never know how Ted Nugent meant to use the words or how he really used the words. It's not like the inflammatory news article presents the context or a transcript. Don't bother going to the the Web site of the radio station 103.5 The Fox, or the dee jays with whom the Nuge was communicating, Lewis and Floorwax. Instead of information about this heinous crime, you'd just see the "sunken treasure chests" contest in which one woman with small breasts will win free breast augmentation! At least these holders of the moral high ground took the opportunity of this new-found celebrity to remove the photo of one of the morning show participants vomiting into a trash can after smelling rancid dog feces as part of some morning hijinks. Some marketing flack must have known the attention the Web site was about to receive. Any publicity is good publicity, especially when you're enlightened defenders of feelings AND you don't have puking interns on the Web site.
Ted Nugent's Web site probably won't glorify this "scandal" with a response. I cannot say I blame him. The whole thing smacks of a publicity stunt by a couple of drive-time losers with declining marketing share, deciding to pillory an outspoken conservative figure for fun and ratings.
Unfortunately, it will probably work.
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:04 PM 2 comments
Ted Nugent Trivia!
And another thing, why does the AP article bear this line:
- Nugent is past president of the National Rifle Association and is known for his outspokenness.
- Nugent is a former member of the Damn Yankees, who charted with the song "High Enough", which sounds like a Rave song, but given Nugent's eternally anti-drug stance is not about drug usage.
- Nugent's solo career was built on musical hits designed composed to celebrate the human condition, particularly Procreative Drills, featuring several colloquial representations of male and female genitalia in the titles.
- Nugent is the founder of Ted Nugent Kamp for Kids, an organization designed to train kids in safe hunting.
- Nugent is the founder of Hunters for the Hungry an organization dedicated to providing meat harvested in hunts to homeless shelters.
I guess the point is a free-association of racial slurs, and those who would use them to denigrate (author insensitivity alert!) other races, with the National Rifle Association, whose stance on the Second Amendment runs counter to that of the author of the piece, the Associated Press in general, and "enlightened" people everywhere. The sooner those louts are tarred with the same pot of pitch, the better to round them up and pelt them with animal entrials--no, wait, they might like that.
And let's not let the facts step in front of an onrushing good Nexis-Lexis search phrase. Nugent's own biography does not list him as a former president, but he does sit on the board of directors at the NRA.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:49 PM 0 comments
Fact Checking The Onion
Doh! In this week's issue, The Onion misquotes Alex Rogan, the main character of The Last Starfighter. The Onion's take is this:
-
Continued Bush: "Or, as Alex says to [his girlfriend] Maggie, 'Don't you see this is it? This is our big chance. It's like, whatever this is, when it comes, you've got to grab on with both hands and hold tight.'"
Oh, sure, maybe the writer can claim that the joke is that it was Bush, the "pretender president," who made another one of his characteristic blunders. But I think the writer was playing slops with the cult culture of geeks and banked number four off of the eight ball, a bumper, and the thirteen ball without dropping it in the side pocket.
You Onion guys used to have geek cred when you were in Madison, but since you've gone to New York, you've gotten taken in by the glamour of the east coast and you ain't down with us here in the heartland no more.
(The doctors say I can overcome my dementia trivia with a prescription, but I declined.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 11:08 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Those Must Be Some Cush Prisons
A Brazilian police station turned out a confessed drug dealer because they think he made the whole thing up for the free prison time.
Perhaps he should emigrate to America. Although conditions might not be described as cush, the United States doesn't turn prisoners away.
Our motto: Over 1.4 Million Currently Being Served!
- posted by Brian J. @ 7:49 PM 0 comments
Apathetic Apotheosis
Richard Roeper's got a point in today's Chicago Sun-Times. Laci Peterson is the latest member of the pantheon of people who were anonymous while alive, but became national celebrities after murder, eligible for emotional deconstruction upon which to project something of our own lives and losses so that we can all together regrieve.
Shouldn't we just get the heck over it? It just depends upon what the meaning of closure is.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:37 AM 0 comments
When You Outlaw Paper Bonds, Only Outlaws Will Have Paper Bonds
The Washington Post reports that the Department of the Treasury will no longer sell paper United States Savings bonds. Instead, all bonds will be maintained through electronic accounts. Wow, this is so much a bad idea that I can briefly foam at the keyboard in the scant minutes I have to refuel the Doc-U-Matic "Mr. Digestion" Portable Energy System (MDPES).
It's undemocratic. People without computers or accounts can no longer just walk into a bank and buy a bond. The official explanation is that a large portion, as a percentage, of investment dollars that pour like a broken dam into the nation's coffers are done electronically. And by very large funds and corporations, no doubt. It's a bad symbolic move to suddenly make the common stock in America preferred, with only big investors or little investors with computer accounts eligible to participate.
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:30 AM 0 comments
Monday, May 05, 2003
How Do You Really Feel, Financial Times?
In the story about USA Interactive's acquisition of LendingTree.com, the author or someone misadvertently casts it thus:
-
The LemonTree deal is the biggest financial services website acquisition, apart from online stockbroking deals, since the height of the boom.
(Thanks to /. for the link.)
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:51 PM 0 comments
But I Read The Manual
Honey, I know you recently found a pair of your nice slacks hanging in the closet in a state you characterized as "inside-out." However, I want to assure you that this must be by design, for I read the manual that came with these slacks, and I laundered them precisely according to the concise directions provided by my technical communication counterpart at his or her own sweatshop of indenture.
The user's guide, or perhaps administrator's guide (as I was not so much using as maintaining the slacks), directed me to:
- Turn garment inside out
- Machine wash cold with like colors only non-chlorine bleach when needed
- Tumble dry low
- Remove promptly
- Warm iron on reverse when needed
As a professional courtesy, I cannot even doubt that this documentation specialist would leave out important maintenance steps in this process. When developers compile documentation, they often operate with assumptions not readily apparent to the end user. For example, saying "Search for the record" is shorthand for:
- Type a search term or terms into the Search for edit box. You can use the * wildcard in this search to indicate an incomplete string or the ? wildcard to indicate a single character that can represent any character in that position in the string.
- From the Record Type drop-down list, select the type of record for which you want to search.
- From the By Date radio buttons, click either From this date....
With this respect for my counterpart in mind, I must point out that although the instructions indicate that the slacks administrator should turn the garment inside out, at no point do the instructions direct the administrator to once again toggle the setting of the interior/exterior aspect position. As I indicated, were it a developer who wrote this procedure, I might entertain the notion that the step was merely assumed. However, I defer to the technical writing authority.
Of course, the fact that the instructions do not say turn garment inside in represents a marvelous innovation in slacks technology. I concentrated, using the ancient technique of Docus Ficta (Find The Feature In The Omission or Defect) which learned when I studied the Dark Forbidden Arts of Technical Writing in the verdant jungles of Cambodia (right down the road from those whacky guys at Angkor Wat who kept hitting their softballs over our fence and interrupting the meditations of we technical writing initiates to throw the softballs back). Of course!
By alternating the exposure of both the interior and exterior surfaces of the garment, the user will experience more even wear upon the fabric, increasing up to 100% the life of the garment. No wonder this garment maker is the leader in the industry. Undoubtedly, it has filed a patent protecting this intellectual property. If not, certainly an entrepreneural dumpster-diving spirit like me will poach it.
I am sorry to have to bring this squabble up publicly, dear, when all four of our readers can see it. However, you must now agree that the "inside out" nature of the slacks within the closet was not a mistake, but the direct result of intelligent information design. Even though I might shame you by this display, I promise I shall make it up to you by doing something special, such as ironing your slacks. I will, once I figure out which setting of the iron is reverse; the switch doesn't have a little R.
- posted by Brian J. @ 8:04 PM 0 comments
Memo from the Department of Irony
One of the commissioners of the Federal Trade Commission is named Swindle?
In his column on CNet, Declan McCullagh says it with a straight face, his accompanying photo depicting his normal look of concern that indicates he fully agrees with Ridley Scott's Blade Runner vision of the future, starting about 2007.
Me, on the other hand, I cannot. Orson Swindle! Orson Swindle! Haw haw!
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:34 PM 0 comments
Plug for a Magazine
P.S., if you like the fantasy genre, I can't recommend a magazine more highly than I do Realms of Fantasy. It's got nonfiction about the genre, about threads in folklore, and about other subjects slightly fantasy-lovers might find interesting. It's also got some speculative fantasy fiction in each issue. Don't just browse the Web site, buy the magazine. It's available at the Borders on Olive, fellow Creve Couer geeks, and you could always subscribe.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:19 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 04, 2003
From our Department of Irony
I received two unsolicited e-mail messages this afternoon, on my home account no less, from some punk outfit calling itself DarkSoft Group wants me to give them twenty bucks for an anti-spam remedy! Here's the message, courtesy of some other guy who thinks as highly of them as I do.
The ad claims you can download the product from the #1 download site on the Internet. Let's be frank: I don't know how to discover any psuedo-scientific rankings, but I've always been a doubting Thompson, and I doubt that whoever www.sil00001.com is, they get a lot of casual traffic from people who type sil00001 into the Address bar to find software.
Let me see, give my credit card number to one or more punks collectively known by a name more suited to some 733t h4x0rz than a software company, and probably then provide them with the names and passwords to all my e-mail accounts? What's not to like about that deal?
I just don't have the twenty bucks.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:50 PM 0 comments
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Tester's Creed
At work, I do a little testing, and I just wanted to let you schnucking developers know where we testers stand:
-
Here is the ultimatum of our camp: what can be smashed, must be smashed; whatever survives a blow has value, whatever flies to smithereens is rubbish; in any case, smash right and left, it will and can do no harm.
(Dmitry I. Pisarev)
- posted by Brian J. @ 10:40 PM 0 comments
SARS in Wisconsin! Or at least a guy in a mask
The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Jim Stingl tried out the new mask chic that SARS is spreading in Asia.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:29 PM 0 comments
Crazy 94-Year Old Runs Riot in Norway
I don't know what havoc the police thought this 94-year-old jogger was seeking, but they got right to the bottom of it. Turns out she had not garrotted the night orderly with a jump rope, flailed the nursing supervisor with an un-Velcroed one pound ankle weight, and choked the nursing home warden by feeding him his enterprise's own Ensure in her Buy-It-Now for freedom and the start of a new crime spree.
Nope, she was just jogging.
But you can never be too careful.
To alleviate any confusion, and to put our municipal authorities at ease, I shall remain in the recliner. Thank you, that is all.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:21 PM 0 comments
Point-Counterpoint: Neo Good or Neo Bad?
Okay, Matrix fans. Is Neo good, or does Neo sux?
Personal verdict: You can take the Neo out of the Matrix, but you cannot take the Ted 'Theodore' Logan/Johnny Utah/Eddie Kasalivich out of the Neo. The producers knew GIGO, but also knew AIGOK (Anything In, Garbage Out of Keanu), so they spent the extra money they would have paid to a scriptwriter on leather futures. And made a killing.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:12 PM 0 comments
My Gear
My beautiful wife has elucidated on her exercise equipment collection. Because I am a materialist, too, I want to acknowledge that I have acquired a number of things to keep myself in shape:
- 20 ounce schooner. With beer, it's 32oz. The key is not so much the weight, but the repetitions of lifting that are the key to fitness.
- A 14 ounce all-in-one remote control. A good stretching workout device, particularly when the batteries diminish and you need to find the precise angle to switch from Bill O'Reilly to an independent film.
- A variable resistance, multi-muscular recliner. Work the right arm going up and the calves going down. If you've been repeating the exercise with the schooner, you're repeating this exercise quite a bit, too.
- posted by Brian J. @ 12:38 PM 0 comments
I Am An Elitist, Too
Steven Den Beste has elaborately posted about the meaning of his blogroll. You know, the list of links running down one side of the Web log page, much like that weird, currently-styled-with-checkboxes thing you see to the left. Den Beste describes his philosophy of his blog roll: he links to things he likes, his friends, and some start-up blogs he likes. That is to say, he puts thought into his list of recommended sites and does not just tat-for-tit exchange links to play link farm for people who reciprocate. He reads, vets, and really recommends the sites he lists. In short, he's an elitist.
Hey, I know the feeling. It reminds me of a time when I was young, back in 1994, when I tried to start a little literary magazine (a little literary magazine is redundant, I know). Yes, the St. Louis Artesian. I'd started magazines in high school (Pen and Palette and in college (The Scream), so when I got out and wanted a handy dream, I seized upon it. So I gave it a go. No advertising? No problem. Labor of love, you see. No content? Uh oh.
I couldn't get quality content. I said early I would never publish my own short stories or poetry since I wasn't doing it as a vanity thing, and remember Brian J = quality (and scientists are now working on a new theory to prove that Brian J. >= quality). So I hit the coffeeshouses looking for the slam poets, contacted local universities for creative writing students, posted on the fledgling Internet, and sent press releases to every peer literary magazine, local paper, and media outlet I could imagine. And when the manuscripts started trickling in, they were bad.
I didn't expect a thick magazine to start, but I had to stretch to find poetry or short fiction I would publish. I found myself writing feature articles and publishing my assistant editor's sheet music to fill enough pages to call myself a magazine. I mean, I found some real quality material that I was thrilled to publish, but it wasn't much. (Speaking of which, I googled my old magazine name to see if they had its home page cached, oh-but no, but check it out: one of the poets published in it has the Artesian on his C.V.).
An art editor, who had visions of the Artesian as a photocopied underground Goth zine, brouight in some submissions in his vision, but it wasn't where I wanted to go, so he went. It was my dime, (or $400 every two months, almost fifty percent of what the real world paid my English-degreed self), my effort, and my name on the masthead, so I was not going to put in mulch just to fill in the flower garden and hope something came up. After a year and a half, I gave it up.
So I understand where Den Beste's coming from, although I imagine copious numbers of blogger courtiers don't.
Rest assured, when you click a link over there to the left, I do go to the sites listed as frequently as I say, and I shape my ideas with them. They are Brian-approved, and not just a underground-economy equivalent of a "Ad Space Swap Booked As Revenue" scam.
- posted by Brian J. @ 11:49 AM 0 comments
Friday, May 02, 2003
Name Recognition!
Overlawyered.com has acknowledged the contribution I made when I told them about the bad hairday that netted the sufferer $6,000.
Granted, it's not a link, but it's nice to be appreciated, even at the cut rate without-the-J way.
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:56 PM 0 comments
Sometimes No Means Yes, Boys
In Wisconsin, the Joint Finance Committe has passed a budget amendment designed to thwart the state's no call list, which has been in effect for all of five months now. The new budget amendment, small companies with fewer than 25 employees can call you even if you're on the No Call List. Of course, the amendment comes out of committee with a straight party-line vote, with "small government" Republicans all voting for it.
Let the loophole lassoin' begin!
(As heard on Weber and Dolan this morning).
- posted by Brian J. @ 6:07 PM 0 comments
Cold as a Razor Blade, Tight as a Tourniquet, Dry as a Funeral Drum
After a climber gets pinned under a boulder for five days, he cuts his own arm off with a pocket knife, puts on a tourniquet, rappels to the floor of a canyon, and walks up to his rescuers.
Most of us men would like to think we could do the same thing, but I am not so good with setting anchors and rappelling. Of course, this sort of thing keeps me off of mountains in the first place.
- posted by Brian J. @ 5:58 PM 0 comments
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Weber and Dolan Rox
By the way, Jay Weber and Bob Dolan are the best morning radio duo in the world!
I have listened to them off and on in the last couple of years via the Internet stream, and they're always entertaining. Check them out, and get not only entertainment, but a taste of the city that spawned me.
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:17 PM 0 comments
Hiding in Plain Sight
Whoever would think of looking for Saddam Hussein onstage in London? What a place to hide out! And a steady paycheck. He might be on the next fishing boat from Damascus and plane out of Greece!
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:05 PM 0 comments
Struggling with the Archives
Looks like Pyroogle has fixed the archives somewhat. I am working to get them fixed up so new readers can see what I have been right about all along. And maybe someday--dare I even whisper it--permalinks?
- posted by Brian J. @ 9:03 PM 0 comments
To say Noggle, one first must be able to say the "Nah."
"I will."
Heather L. Igert,
angelweave.mu.nu
"Genuis."
Neil Steinberg,
Chicago Sun-Times
"Some wanker."
Kim du Toit,
on the Noggle Library.
"Brian J. Noggle apparently forgot that the proper design for a tin foil beanie calls for the shiny side out."
Robb Allen,
Sharp as a Marble.
"I'm weeping openly right now. Thanks for hurting my feelings, pinhead."
Bob Rybarcyzk,
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Instapundit
Protein Wisdom
Ace of Spades HQ
Wizbang!
Outside the Beltway
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